Tag Archives: schemes

Medela

Posted on April 7, 2022 | Comments Off on Medela

Medela (me-de’-la): When you can’t deny or defend friends’ faults and seek to heal them with good words.

Life is too complicated for anybody to evade failure or making mistakes. I’m 67 years old, each year is an anniversary of some kind of screw up. I’m a little higher than average on the goof-o-meter, but that’s just the way it is. Like I said, I’m 67. I’m still here and I generally enjoy life. I’ve got a key here that you might want use to unlock your problems and walk away free. You need to develop a strategy you can use that will allow you to learn from your mistakes and forgive yourself whenever you can. If you are wrong, admit it. Do not bear malice toward those who rightfully accuse you.

The latest thing: stealing nine carrots from your neighbor’s garden plot. If you think about your reason for doing it, it would be like cutting water with a knife—silly. So you need to admit it to Molly. Apologize, and volunteer to help in her garden. Prove yourself worthy of her friendship. Redeem yourself by helping her in the garden.

Who knows, you may become friends. That’s how I met your mother. She wouldn’t look at me and I was mad for her. So, I ripped wires out of her car, from under the hood. I planned to come to her rescue and fix what I broke. It didn’t work. As soon as I asked if I could fix her car, she knew it was me who ripped out the wires. She reported me to the police and I was convicted of the wanton destruction of another person’s property. I was tried and convicted and spent thirty days in jail. I’ll tell you another time how we hooked up and ended up getting married. I’ll give you a hint: we went on a “job” together after I had apologized and fixed her car.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Meiosis

Posted on April 6, 2022 | Comments Off on Meiosis

Meiosis (mei-o’-sis): Reference to something with a name disproportionately lesser than its nature (a kind of litotes). This term is equivalent to tapinosis.

You know, I’ve been biting into these things, eating all kinds of cakes and pies, drinking their juice and alcohol made from the juice. They make a big part of my state’s economy profitable, but still, I think they are way overrated. It isn’t popular, but I call them “crapples” for what their cultivation does to us. “Huh?” you ask.

You’ve heard of Adam & Eve, right? The story of what happened in the Garden of Eden should be enough to prompt the outlawing of crapples. Satan hangs out in apple orchards and the fruit section of grocery stores. Every time you eat an apple you are doing Satan’s bidding and will probably become a prostitute, bank robber or heroin addict, scraping the bottom of life’s barrel, catching diseases, going insane, and going to prison. You may say “I’ve partaken of apples all my life and I’m not a prostitute, bank robber, or drug addict.” To that I say, Satan is clever— just wait—keep consuming crapples and you will fall. Believe me: it is inevitable. Look at Jeffery Dahmer—he loved crapples and ate them all of his life. And then, one day he became a serial killer and switched over to eating people. Satan rejoiced. Or look at Charles Manson: he religiously followed Satan’s apple a day dictum. Satan rejoiced.

So there. You risk damnation every time you bite into a beautiful red Cartland, a crisp Red Delicious, or a bright green Granny Smith. Do not please Satan. Stop consuming all crapple products and you will help thwart his plan. Save yourself! Put down that apple and pick up a nectarine or an avocado!

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Mempsis

Posted on April 6, 2022 | Comments Off on Mempsis

Mempsis (memp’-sis): Expressing complaint and seeking help.

Since I started getting old, my butt has started shrinking. It used to be like a big baked ham. It provided a cushion to sit on no matter where where I was—on the rocks by the ocean, at a wooden picnic table, on a bar stool, on a park bench. Since my butt has more less disappeared, sitting on any of those hard surfaces has become uncomfortable, almost to the point that I’d rather stand. Shore rocks are especially difficult, as well as quarried blocks. I’ve taken to carrying a small round pillow that belonged to my mom and held a prominent place on our living room couch. She left it to me in her will with a cryptic message: “Don’t fear the surface.” Evidentially my butt-shrink malady was hereditary. Although the pillow is great, there’s another shrunken butt problem that I think I’ve solved.

When my butt was like a baked ham, it provided a sort of shelf for my pants to rest on. Now that my butt has diminished, the shelf is gone and my pants have started falling down. When I bent over or squatted my butt crack showed. For example, a few weeks ago, I squatted down in the grocery store to grab my favorite cereal off the bottom shelf. I felt a cool breeze and a woman started yelling at me, covering her eyes, and calling me a “dirty old butt flasher.” A crowd gathered and somebody threw a loaf of Italian bread at me. It was humiliating, and painful too.

So, I tried tightening my belt three notches, but all that did was cut off the flow of blood to my kidneys. I also tried smaller pants—they were uncomfortable, especially on my man parts: if I moved the wrong way, it was like I got shot in the crotch. Besides, my pants still managed to inch their was down my hips and I couldn’t pull them up because they were too tight. Here’s my solution: suspenders! I always wondered why people wore them. Now, I know why: to gracefully manage the symptoms of the terrible physical condition I relentlessly suffer from: Dwindling Butt Syndrome (DBS). The suspenders will keep my pants up. I made this discovery last Christmas when I took my granddaughter to the mall to see Santa Claus. When he got up to get a drink of water, I noticed he had diminished butt. I saw that he had a big pillow on his Santa Throne. I understood that. But what I didn’t understand was how he kept his Santa trousers up in the face of his case of DBS. So, I asked. He said, “Ho, Ho, Ho, son. See these babies?” He stuck his thumbs behind his suspenders, pulled the suspenders out, and snapped them. “Get yourself a pair of these, and your pants will stay up like your butt has regenerated.” Santa smiled and handed me a little candy cane, and gave one to my granddaughter too.

Well there you have it. Santa gave me a tip for life that was the best Christmas gift I ever got. Even though I am deeply grateful to Santa, I’m considering having my butt cheeks pumped full of collagen.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Merismus

Posted on April 4, 2022 | Comments Off on Merismus

Merismus (mer-is’-mus): The dividing of a whole into its parts.

Not every whole has parts, but can you call something a whole if it does not have parts? What about Moses parting the Red Sea? Or, me parting my hair? Then there’s the bomb that blows things apart. Dividing a whole into its parts implies that it has parts in the first place, and the division is of concepts or entities that are correctly construed as the bound-together ensemble ‘making up’ a given whole.

In discourse, there are many good reasons for dividing wholes into parts. And also, from a different perspective, assembling parts into wholes, like an IKEA adventure, or a Christmas dollhouse, or stringing beads onto a necklace. But that’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about wholes. Their division makes things easier to remember, for speaker and listener. It gives a discourse the sense that it’s going somewhere as each part lapses and fades into the next. In addition, the part/whole division gives the discourse a suspenseful aura by building in the anticipation of what’s next by proffering previewed parts. Let me demonstrate:

This is an orange. It is spherical, and guess what? It is orange. Ha ha. It has four parts: the skin, the fruit, the seeds, the stem. I’ll be covering each part in the order I just listed them. So first, the orange’s skin. . .

If you think about it, you can divide just about anything into parts, even if it makes you bitter, angry, and depressed. Take my first marriage, for example. It had three parts: 1. We got married, 2. She cheated, 3. We got divorced. See, I don’t even need to go into detail to give you a clear picture of what happened. Now, let’s look at my most recent business catastrophe: 1. I took out a government-backed small business loan, 2. Nobody wanted popcorn coconut smoothies, 3. I went bankrupt, 4. I am in debt up to my ass until 2030.

Well, there you have it. You know the old saying: If you have the parts you have the whole. This in itself can be a further employment of the part/whole strategy: you can deter people by showing them they don’t have the parts: If your shoe does not have laces, you can’t go for a comfortable walk. So, forget it. Oh, I can sell you some shoelaces. How badly do you want to go for a comfortable walk? A lot? Not much? Not at all?

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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Mesarchia

Posted on April 3, 2022 | Comments Off on Mesarchia

Mesarchia (mes-ar’-chi-a): The repetition of the same word or words at the beginning and middle of successive sentences.

I started lifting weights. I started lifting my spirits. I started lifting myself! I made a contraption like a swing on a pulley. I would sit on the swing and pull myself up by the swing’s rope. I called it “Joey’s Pull-a-Muscle.” I got to the point where I would time each pull, trying to break my own record each time. In order to increase the challenge, I decided to put on weight by eating cake and pie and three large double-cheese Domino pizzas per day, with sausage, bacon, meatballs, and smoked shad toppings. After 6 months I went from 220-340 pounds. I bought a 5x spa towel and made Tick Tok videos of myself when I wasn’t lifting or eating. I got 600 likes for my “Seduction” video—in the video I slowly lifted the hem of my spa towel while wagging my finger and shaking my head “No.”

Then I met a girl on Tick Tok. She said she had been watching me and would love to come over to my apartment and pull my rope some afternoon. What she said sounded slightly sexually suggestive, but I was game for anything. So, I invited her over the following day at 1:00 pm. I would try to take a shower in preparation. Unfortunately, I got stuck in the shower. I stood there, wedged in, all night long.

Then, at exactly 1:00 pm there was a knock on my door. I yelled to her to come in. I guided her to the bathroom with my yelling. When she arrived at the bathroom door, I was stunned. She was wearing one of those inflatable a sumo wrestler suits, fully inflated. She pulled me out of the shower. I put on my spa towel and we sat on the couch. By the way: she was quite attractive: black hair, brown eyes, nice ears, straight teeth, small feet. That’s all I could see with the sumo suit covering her up.

“Would you let me pull your rope now?” she asked. Then it hit me—I had seen her face in the newspaper! Her name was Beth Grisley and she was being sought in connection with the brutal stabbing and dismemberment of the professional wrestler Two-Ton Tommy Tompowski! I stood in front of the open window and yelled “Come and get me!” She grabbed a steak knife off the coffee table and came running at me. At the last second I stepped aside. She would’ve flown out the window, but the inflated sumo suit wedged in the window. I called 911 and soon everything was settled.

As the dust settled, I thought to myself, never again will I invite a stranger over to my apartment to pull my rope. Never again will I make Tick Tok videos. As soon as I lose 100 pounds, never again will I get wedged in the shower.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Mesodiplosis

Posted on April 2, 2022 | Comments Off on Mesodiplosis

Mesodiplosis (mes-o-dip-lo’-sis): Repetition of the same word or words in the middle of successive sentences.

I started making plans a month ago. I am making this banquet a spectacular event. You’ll be making it even better if you come! The tablecloth alone is worth it. I took a cooking class at the community college. Although I only got a C- my professor told me that my cooking is “interesting” and if I want to be a fast-food chef, I would probably “ have an impact.” I asked her what she meant by that and she told me that “many people would feel the effects” of my cooking. Using the famous MacDonalds two-sided grill, I will be cooking eel, alligator, and free range Urban Pigeon. The pigeon will be marinated in olive juice and stuffed with popcorn and bread crusts. The eel will be wrapped around a short length of 1” pipe and secured with bread package twisty closures. The eel will be slow roasted and basted with a mixture of maple syrup, gin, tomato sauce, pounded anchovies and raw clams run through a blender. The alligator will be kept intact. We’ll need 6 grills to cook it. Mmm. Imagine the smell. The alligator will be stuffed with Taylor Ham, peeled hard-boiled duck eggs and blue cheese. As a humorous touch, I’m putting an expensive running shoe in the alligator’s mouth. For eating utensils, everybody will get a foot-long switchblade knife. In addition, everybody will receive a glow in the dark bib. You may be wondering “What’s for desert?” Well, nothing special. Just a ten-foot high tiered cake with four small chocolate escalators ascending the cake’s pyramid-like sides. The cake will be topped by an ancient magic lantern holding some of the essence of the goddess Hebe— the Geek goddess of youthfulness. When the lantern is lit everybody will look younger and a wild time will ensue. A perfect ending for a perfect banquet.

As soon as I get out of the hospital, I’ll be sending out detailed invitations. I was bitten by an alligator while I was foraging in the Everglades for fresh organic food. My gun jammed and the alligator took a piece of my hand and swallowed my Glock, which went off in his throat and made him mine. He’s a 12 footer. He may be though, but I’m tougher.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Mesozeugma

Posted on April 1, 2022 | Comments Off on Mesozeugma

Mesozeugma (me’-so-zyoog’-ma): A zeugma in which one places a common verb for many subjects in the middle of a construction.

I thought I was a Pharaoh —I was aways posed in profile with a snake sticking out of the front of my hat, a pleated skirt, hippo skin sandals, and the good old crook and flail—indispensable accessories for the ruler of this world. I live in Florida, outside Miami. The climate allows me to exercise my Egypto-hood without freezing in the winter time like I did up in New York. I had to wear a bulky down coat that made me look silly by covering my torso but leaving my snake-hat exposed. I looked like Eddie Bauer on his way to a costume party. But now, I’m running for mayor of Surfside. I’m running on the platform that we should build pyramids as a tourist attraction and a Yul Brynner museum and library, devoted to his career as an actor, and also a research facility devoted to the study of (not cure of) male pattern baldness. We know this much: Mr. Brynner found his way trough life when he shaved his head at the onset of his own baldness. Since then, countless balding men have shaved their heads, not knowing that it was Yul who paved the way, making head-shaving a normal practice for middle aged men, making it attractive, manly, and shiny.

Anyway, when I win the election I will institute Egyptian rules, but we won’t have slaves. The citizens of Surfside will pay me monthly tribute and loan me their legal age daughters for weekend trips to Miami. I think I will make a good ruler, benevolent, but not a pushover, really nice but not a weenie. Wish me luck! Please don’t mention this to my neighbor Moses. After the election, I hope he leaves Surfside and gets off my back once and for all.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Metabasis

Posted on March 31, 2022 | Comments Off on Metabasis

Metabasis (me-ta’-ba-sis): A transitional statement in which one explains what has been and what will be said.

It you will, if you count to ten, you will see a metaphorical rainbow. Yes, that’s right. I told you about the phenomenon in great detail, setting out the prior conditions, their necessity, and the eerie music that must be playing to prepare your brain like a 10 pound turkey to be basted with truth and stuffed with wisdom. Next, I will explain how the metaphorical rainbow operates to endow you with an angelic halo, another metaphor hovering above your head, like a swarm of luminescent bees or flies—it depends on your body odor. If you smell like a flower, you get bees. If you smell like garbage or dog-do, you get flies.

I know this next phase of your spiritual journey is complicated and vexing. Be patient, what’s next will be truly mind bending. And once you’ve achieved “Bent Mind Hood” every word will become a metaphor, and you will lose your grip. Clutching and squeezing will never again be goals. Ok. Let us begin by singing Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive.” Then, we’ll have some delicious Kool Aid.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Metalepsis

Posted on March 30, 2022 | Comments Off on Metalepsis

Metalepsis (me-ta-lep’-sis): Reference to something by means of another thing that is remotely related to it, either through a farfetched causal relationship, or through an implied intermediate substitution of terms. Often used for comic effect through its preposterous exaggeration. A metonymical substitution of one word for another which is itself figurative.

Your dreams are nightmares waiting to hatch. They’ll be featherless and will crash when they jump from your mind-nest out into the world. I can hear them bouncing off anybody who will listen and who will get a good laugh as payment for their wasted time.

I just don’t know what else to say. Dreams are like cheese, and cheese is like truth. There are so many different cheeses, likewise there are many many different dreams. You have cheddar, you have the “can’t open your locker dream.” You have feta, you have the “teeth are falling out dream.” This list is endless. But, then there’s truth—it goes well with cheese: like a delicate cracker with just the right amount of salt, and shortening, and gluten. Mmm! I’ll have some of that! Give me a slab of Port Salut on a warm truth-cracker! In a way, dreams follow the truth around like a child chasing a butterfly. The child will never catch the butterfly and would not know what to do with it anyway, like an electric drill, or a motorcycle, or a federal income tax form. You just yell at the kid: “wake up,” and that usually works. If it fails, make sure they major in philosophy when they go to college. A sort of cordial recalcitrance, or witty smugness will take them far, perhaps as far as a PhD.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Metallage

Posted on March 29, 2022 | Comments Off on Metallage

Metallage (me-tal’-la-gee): When a word or phrase is treated as an object within another expression.

If you say “far out”” again, I’m headed far out the door—so far, I’ll be in in another city or state, or maybe country. Canada’s just up the road. I know you picked up “far out” from your parents—die-hard tie dyed hippies from the 60s. The still talk about The Who’s sunrise performance of “Tommy” at Woodstock like it was just this morning. Every other word is “far out.” Also, “like” and “man” and “wow” find their way in too. At the grocery store: “Like, where are the avocados, man? Oh wow. Over there? Far out.”

The best is the way they dress. Where the hell do they get bellbottoms in the 21st century? They should rent themselves out for parties as real Hippies. One good thing though: now that pot is legal, they’ve lost their paranoia and grow it in your back yard. But the clincher is what they eat. Their “Bean Alone” diet is totally horrendous. One of these days your house is going to explode from the gas your parents generate.

Well that’s it—hokey donkey—holy guacamole—I got it out of my system. Let’s go out to dinner now. Hokey donkey artichoky. Let’s go. Ok?

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Metaphor

Posted on March 28, 2022 | Comments Off on Metaphor

Metaphor (met’-a-phor): A comparison made by referring to one thing as another.

Your eyes are the abyss—the endless frightening expanse, shooting fragments of clear light stretching from your soul—one green, one brown, your eyes’ colors conflict like everything else about you. But your presence is compelling. I want to stay. I want to be with you with no end: living in the pulsing expanse of your flesh. A quiet parasite taking sustenance from your body without your awareness. You are my banquet, my revel, my dessert.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Metaplasm

Posted on March 27, 2022 | Comments Off on Metaplasm

Metaplasm (met’-a-plazm): A general term for orthographical figures (changes to the spelling of words). This includes alteration of the letters or syllables in single words, including additions, omissions, inversions, and substitutions. Such changes are considered conscious choices made by the artist or orator for the sake of eloquence or meter, in contrast to the same kinds of changes done accidentally and discussed by grammarians as vices (see barbarism). See: antisthecon, aphaeresis, apocope, epenthesis, paragoge, synaloepha.

I made my way through life with moovement on my own two footies, fancy free and gracefully, with glee and snap. I never listened to the blues—the lamentations of dis-pair: of broken up couples whining in the mirror at their sole reflection: taking note of every tear, counting the sobs, and the tissues, to tally their pains. Nope. I’ve kept myself alone from the start; alone to the end. I live in the vale of solitude where bees bzzzz to no avail—they’re all deaf, but they can feel the vibrations of each other. However, they don’t know what they mean, like water in a stream that washes over your feet, or the feeling of a breeze on your skin, or the warmth of the sun.

We shuffle from one place to the next, dragging our hopes and fears along with us: hopes in a recycling bin, fears in a garbage bag. We don’t know where we’re going, but we go nevertheless, conscious of our burden, relentlessly looking. But like I said, I’m happy without all the heart-raking travail. I have a cat.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Metastasis

Posted on March 26, 2022 | Comments Off on Metastasis

Metastasis (me-tas’-ta-sis): Denying and turning back on your adversaries arguments used against you.

You say I shot a hole in your front door. Ha ha, that’s crazy. I’m out on parole for throwing rocks at kids on their way to school. I live on the edge of incarceration and would never do anything to land me back in jail again. You say my moral resolve is weak, but it’s your moral resolve that’s weak, starting with lying about me having anything to do with your front door. You know damn well that I was traveling out of town when it happened and there’s no way I could have done it. I wouldn’t be surprised if you did it as a gambit to get me back in jail. Ever since me a Maggie hooked up, you’ve been out to get me. Get over it. You’re not married any more. I have everything. You have nothing, and you did it to yourself. What did you think would happen when you ran off with the high school senior class President— sure she was 18—but God, you’re 38. Thank God the poor kid came to her senses and went home, but not before she had twins. You just about destroyed Maggie.

Anyway, you’re the most disgusting excuse for a human being I’ve ever known. Next time you want to shoot a hole in your front door and blame it on me, make sure I’m home first. And by the way, I don’t own a gun, so you’ll have to loan me yours and show me how to shoot it.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Metonymy

Posted on March 25, 2022 | Comments Off on Metonymy

Metonymy (me-ton’-y-my): Reference to something or someone by naming one of its attributes. [This may include effects or any of the four Aristotelian causes {efficient/maker/inventor, material, formal/shape, final/purpose}.]

The pen is mightier than the car jack when it comes to stabbing somebody in the eye, but the word-processor is mightier than the AK-47 when affecting the human spirit and bringing about positive change. So, you want to change things to fit your vision? Start writing, stop shooting. It may take longer to make your writing effective—longer than spraying bullets. The easiest way to settle a disagreement is to kill your opponent. But it is murder, and it doesn’t really settle anything— dead bodies can’t be persuaded and it’s persuasion, not coercion, that brings society forward in a reasonable compassionate way. Dead bodies create anger a alienation: faulty foundations for social reality.

So, if you don’t want the dove to crap on your head, don’t screw with fire irons.

Definition courtesy of “Sliva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

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Ominatio

Posted on March 24, 2022 | Comments Off on Ominatio

Ominatio (o-mi-na’-ti-o): A prophecy of evil.

Listen unto me and know the future. My words are knit into the time to come like an argyle pattern on an expensive woolen sock made by hand in Scotland by an old sheep herder in accord with ancient family tradition. My words are wise, my visions true, and my sight cuts through time like a Swiss blade through a rotten peach.

Evil is impending. Tomorrow it will rain, it will go below freezing, and the rain will mix with snow to make driving conditions hazardous. This is what I prophecy unto you. You will be well-advised to stay home from work and give thanks for my accurate and timely weather forecast, or more properly, meteorological prophecy.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Onedismus

Posted on March 23, 2022 | Comments Off on Onedismus

Onedismus (on-e-dis’-mus): Reproaching someone for being impious or ungrateful.

I made breakfast for you again—the 19 millionth time. Eggs, pancakes, bacon, toast & jam, coffee—for the nineteen millionth time, and all you do is gobble it down with slurping and piggy snorting sounds. I bet if somebody saved your life you’d walk away without a word. You’re such an ungrateful snake. I hate you more than I hate our racist neighbor and I hate him so much I’d actually like to kill him—with poison or a blunt instrument to the back of the head.

You don’t respect me, you’ve never respected me since you turned 15 and started smoking and hanging with thugs who are nearly all in jail. So, here’s the bottom line: start showing me some respect and some gratitude or I’m going to kill you. See this tire iron? It’s a blunt instrument. It will put a crack in the back of your head and your brains will squirt out on the floor. From now on, you will say thank-you and you will wash the dishes. If you can’t do this, and you stay here anyway, you’ll become a corpse. You’re free to leave and find somebody else to burden with your character defects. You could go on that dating site http://www.ungratefulbastards.com.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.ed).

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Onomatopoeia

Posted on March 22, 2022 | Comments Off on Onomatopoeia

Onomatopoeia (on-o-mat-o-pee’-a): Using or inventing a word whose sound imitates that which it names (the union of phonetics and semantics).

One day, I was walking to school and I heard a squishing sound and smelled a sweet smell. It had happened again, to my great embarrassment. Every day squish, or more like sploosh. It made a wet stain so everybody could see it.

My mom packed my lunch in a brown paper bag. Every day she gave me a jelly donut and an apple. The apple would smack the jelly donut, sploosh. I begged my mom to buy me a lunchbox, the partitions would afford my jelly donut protection from my apple. But she was too cheap. So, I started a pool cleaning business so I could buy a lunchbox. I was only 11 and determined to succeed. I named my business Marine Magic and quickly earned enough for my lunchbox. It had a picture on it of Godzilla blowing fire at a skyscraper.

That was forty years ago. I sold Marine Magic two years ago for $1,000,000,000. I’m retired now. Every day I enjoy a jelly donut from my battered old lunchbox. If my mother hadn’t been so cheap, I wouldn’t be here today. Every once-in-awhile I press down on my jelly donut just to hear it sploosh, or I throw it at my spoiled son to remind him that it’s not too late to become something other that a sponge.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Optatio

Posted on March 21, 2022 | Comments Off on Optatio

Optatio (op-ta’-ti-o): Expressing a wish, often ardently.

I wish I was a pipe. I would carry water in and sewage out. In and out. I would have a clear set of responsibilities, unlike now. I am the Dean of a small liberal arts college where I spend my time tricking the faculty into believing unilateral decision making is best for them, that “it’s really what they want” even though they don’t think so. Like all deans, I’ll be leaving after four years, where my skill as a bullshitter will land me a presidency, and I’ll get to tell bigger and bigger lies. Only the Trustees can stop me. The faculty is a weenie-wimp breeding ground—they’re like intellectually active comical bedbugs— they suck each other’s blood and make each other itch, and they think it’s funny. They’re going to do nothing, except make tokens of tokens ad infinitum.

Hmm. I wish to change my wish. I wish I was a pandemic. My “disease” would be called “Academic Administritus,” mild, but ubiquitous and mostly psychological. It will make faculty constantly affect righteous indignation. If it’s “their way” they’ll never get it, but they will believe they did because they got mad, shook their fist, and felt good afterwards. I’ll just make sure they have a parking place and the process will repeat itself until they retire, or go somewhere else. If you take away their parking, they will be cured and will kill you.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetorica” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Orcos

Posted on March 20, 2022 | Comments Off on Orcos

Orcos (or’-kos): Swearing that a statement is true.

Liars are the lowliest form of human life. They tear the social fabric like it is cheesecloth. Once that fabric is torn, unmoored, set loose from trust, the essence of human relations is undermined, and when lying becomes endemic, paranoia sets in. When you ask anybody anything, if it makes them look better, they’ll lie—ask them how old they are, they’ll shave off five years. Ask them where they got all that cash. They’ll tell you from gambling.

I am not a liar and that’s the truth. That wasn’t a lie. Neither was that. Or that. I won the money gambling, or I inherited it, or something like that. I have receipts and other documents supporting the truthfulness of what I’m swearing to. So, while I could be lying, I swear I’m not. It’s like when I tell my wife I love her, there’s no way of proving it. Same with the money. Even though the same amount is missing from the place where I work, it is a coincidence, like if my wife saw me coming out of a motel with my secretary. My wife would say, “Oh gosh. What a coincidence that is. They must’ve been working away from the office.”

I am an honorable man like Julius Caesar, or Huey Long, or Donald Trump. Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Oxymoron

Posted on March 19, 2022 | Comments Off on Oxymoron

Oxymoron (ox-y-mo’-ron): Placing two ordinarily opposing terms adjacent to one another. A compressed paradox.

The car parked in the impoundment lot was almost new and very very expensive. It’s not every day we get a Rolls Royce. The interior is made of wood and leather, like it was made by a carving beaver who liked lounging on leather at the end of the workday. The chances anybody would retrieve it grew tinier every day. Who in our big nothing of a town could possibly own, let alone bail out, one of the most expensive luxury cars in the world?

Then I saw Mr. Parker, our high school principal, coming up the street. He was carrying a small suitcase and he was wearing one of those Groucho Marx mustache, glasses, and nose disguises. I was suspicious. When I saw him drive the Rolls off the impound lot, I convicted him in my head of some kind of criminal activity.

I went to the lot and the owner Mr. Rim had some pretty steep stacks of 100-dollar bills on his desk. “Don’t you worry about Mr. Parker,” Mr. Rim said, “He won the Rolls in a raffle and had a little trouble paying the taxes.”

I was relieved. I knew Mr. Parker was a good guy. What happened to him was an unfortunate accident. He got locked in the trunk and starved to death. It was surprisingly predictable—the Rolls is built like a tank and has no latch inside the trunk. The one thing I don’t understand, though, is why none of his colleagues came looking for him.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Paenismus

Posted on March 18, 2022 | Comments Off on Paenismus

Paenismus (pai-nis’-mus): Expressing joy for blessings obtained or an evil avoided.

I am so lucky! I’ve been cheating on my taxes ever since I started paying them and I have never been audited. That’s thousands and thousands of dollars in my pocket that are not paying for battleships, or anything else the government wastes money on, like mental health counseling. If you’re crazy, no amount of therapy is going to make you sane— you can get pills from your doctor that will straighten you out. CVS has tons of pills and your insurance will help pay for them, so, why does the government need your money?

What’s that? Uh oh. It’s a letter from the IRS: “Dear Mr. Cobb, due to your failure to pay the correct amount of taxes for the past twenty-five years, the IRS is authorized to take your youngest child and put her to work at Roy Rogers Roast Beef until such time as the debt is paid. She will be housed at the IRS Boarding House with other teenagers who have been hopelessly corrupted by their tax dodging parents. We will pick up your daughter on March 25 at 7.00 am. Please have her packed and ready to go. In the event you can get your hands on $350,000 (what you owe us with interest and penalties), leave it in a suitcase on your front porch. We will ring your doorbell when we’ve picked it up. Thank you for being a US citizen. Yours truly, IRS.”

I knew it would just be a matter of time. I was surprised I only owe $350,000. I’ll be leaving it on the front porch.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Palilogia

Posted on March 17, 2022 | Comments Off on Palilogia

Palilogia: Repetition of the same word, with none between, for vehemence. Synonym for epizeuxis.

No! No! No! Yes! Yes! Yes! Maybe! Maybe! Maybe! Ok, bottom line: I don’t know. I’ll never know. I’m seeing a therapist. We’re doing cross-roads counseling. It’s for people who don’t know which way to turn whenever they come to a “commitment intersection,” I am trying to learn how to come to a full stop and look both ways before I go one way or the other. Now, what I do is run the stop sign, hit the gas, and drive straight away. Sometimes, I have a messy collision and people get hurt.

Don’t push me. I’m going home.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Parabola

Posted on March 16, 2022 | Comments Off on Parabola

Parabola (par-ab’-o-la): The explicit drawing of a parallel between two essentially dissimilar things, especially with a moral or didactic purpose. A parable.

Life is like a box of candy— full of little sweet things that are bad for you. Maybe life should be more like a set of rotary nose hair clippers—it would go around and around (like reincarnation) and keep you well groomed.

Anyway, so many sayings about life lead us astray and need to be permanently checked out of the library of wisdom. For example: “If at first you don’t succeed try try again.” If you’re trying more than three times, you should quit and try something else.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Paragoge

Posted on March 15, 2022 | Comments Off on Paragoge

Paragoge (par-a-go’-ge): The addition of a letter or syllable to the end of a word. A kind of metaplasm.

My brainzini is pumping wisdom— going to smart man city. I got this word game called Wugwordy. It is fantasticated! Since I started playing, I’ve become a word-wise-ass. You may be wondering how to play.

Well, first you go to the on-line game site. Then, you get out your letter bucket. The bucket is filled with letters that you bought from Wugwordy. Next, you dump your letter bucket onto your I-Pad’s screen, completely covering it with letters. Then, you make five words from the letters you dumped on your screen. Finally, you take a picture of your words and post it on Instagram, with a brief caption taunting your friends. You are now one colossarola player, known around the internet for your Wugwordy prowess and the jealousy directed at you by your almost no longer friends.

Losing friends has always been the cost of superiority. Don’t worry, you’ll find other superior people and make new friends with. You can be superior with each other and address put downs to the non-superior people that you have to work with, and basically, inhabit the same planet with. “Lame Brain” is one of my favorite put downs. “Nit Wit” too.

Can you spell “Shit head?” You may be a Wugwordy wizard too!

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Paralipsis

Posted on March 14, 2022 | Comments Off on Paralipsis

Paralipsis (par-a-lip’-sis): Stating and drawing attention to something in the very act of pretending to pass it over (see also cataphasis). A kind of irony.

Tucker Carlson is hardly worth mentioning, unless it is possible to commit treason as the son of a a wealthy family empire in the frozen chicken dinner business. The only reason Fox News keeps him around is to pay the tab for the lesser losers who work there. Even Shawn Hannity needs a boost these days. He just does not have top dog crazy any more. Tucker, on the other hand, decides what to say on the basis of any one of a number of adjectives that elicit squeals of delight on one side and vows to kill him on the other. This isn’t news. It’s an hour of op-edding without a reasonable conclusion, just a rest until the next broadcast. It does not stop. It’s like a nightly earthquake, with a fire and lots of injuries.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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