Protherapeia (pro-ther-a-pei’-a): Preparing one’s audience for what one is about to say through conciliating words. If what is to come will be shocking, the figure is called prodiorthosis.
“Here we are for the millionth time—Applebees—the root of our family’s connectedness and feeling of family that macaroni and cheese and applesauce instilled, from being ensconced in booster seats to squeezing in the booth in blue jeans and sweatshirts ready to chow down. Mom and dad are long gone, but we can feel their presence as we put our napkins in our laps and keep our elbows off the table. Those admonitions seemed harsh back then, but now they are music to our ears.
Charlene, Frank, Mary and me, but somebody’s missing. You might not like what you’re about hear, but I have got to tell you: little Donny, our baby brother is in prison. I know it’s a shock and I would not have known if it hadn’t seen the podcast on “Local Losers” a program about out neighbors who have run afoul of the law, from parking tickets to murder. It is a great source of gossip that I follow almost religiously.
Now for the details.
First, Donny committed fraud. He had a business “Find Your Pet.” He would take client’s money and go to his neighborhood bar “Doodles” and drink it away. He would send bogus progress report via text messages. Things like “one of my operatives observed your dog urinating on a telephone pole. I went and investigated, but your dog had fled the scene, leaving only a stain on the telephone pole.” The messages were boiler plated and Donny sent the same message to the same person twice. That was the initial trigger to his demise and arrest.
Second, sticking with the pet theme, Donny shifted over to pet kidnapping and ransoming. This was not easy. In many instances burglary was added to the crime. He had to break into peoples’ houses to nab their pets. This was his downfall. He broke into a suburban home to kidnap a parrot he had observed in a cage on the front porch. He was wearing his disguise: Frosty The Snowman. It was summer, but he didn’t care. Frosty was a character we all revered as kids. Donny still thought the world of hm.
Donny broke into the house and looked around for the parrot’s cage and found it in the livening room with a shroud over it. Donny pulled off the shroud. The parrot looked at him and said really loud “Get out bucko!” Donny heard fumbling around upstairs. The owner came down the stairs, pointed a handgun at Donny, and called 911.
Donny was sentenced to 50 years in state prison; to the “Tesla Correctional Facility.” I’m sorry I had to tell you all this, this way. I imagine you’re quite upset. “Upset about what?” asked Mary. Frank said, “He was thieving little bastard. He stole my Buck Rogers ray gun and I never saw it again.” Then Charlene chimed in: “He was a pervert. He made me watch Popeye cartoons every day.”
“Well, ok,” I said. They all swore they would never visit or communicate with Donny. But, Donny had friends on the outside. One by one our siblings disappeared. I was the last one standing. I went to visit Donny. He gave me a high five and we said “Yeah!” At the same time. Donny said, “We finally got rid of those shit stains.” Then, he went on to tell me how he pulled it off. When he was done, two police officers and a plainclothes officer entered the room and Donny was arrested for three counts of murder. I wasn’t charged. I had been granted immunity for setting Donny up. I hadn’t really done anything anyway, but the meeting at Applebees got the ball rolling.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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