Category Archives: congeries

Congeries

Posted on February 16, 2023 | Leave a comment

Congeries (con’ger-eez): Piling up words of differing meaning but for a similar emotional effect [(akin to climax)].

Me: Liar! Selfish! Deceptive! Bastard! Prince of prevarication! What else can I say? I know you took my puppy Fontana. Give Fontana back now! If I can’t have Fontana, I don’t want to live. This may look like a bundle of dog biscuits, but it’s a bomb. Hand over the puppy you heinous anus.

Ed: You have truly flipped out. I always wondered when it would happen, but I never imagined your stupid puppy would play a role.

Me: Bullshit. Stay close while I search this dump. What’s this in the cabinet under your sink?

Ed: I don’t know what it is.

Me: There you go Mr. Liar! It’s “Purina Puppy Chow”—Fontana’s favorite. Come on, what’s going on here? My BIC is itching to light the biscuit bomb. Tell me what hell is going on, or you’re coming with me to my next incarnation.

Ed: You’re scaring the hell out of me. Today, I don’t want to be blown up. Maybe tomorrow. Ha ha? We’ve been friends since our sandbox days. You’ve always been a bit unstable, but this takes the cake.

Me (lighter lit): 10, 9, 8 . . .

Ed: Ok ok. Look in my bedroom.

I opened the door. There was Fontana with a bow on her head, beautifully groomed, wearing a new rhinestone studded collar, curled up in a new doggie bed, gleefully wagging her tail. My girlfriend Stella was sitting alongside her. I asked Stella what this was all about as I put the BIC back in my pocket.

Stella: It was Fontana’s first birthday and you were supposed to be at work. I have a key to your house. You weren’t there, so Ed and I picked up Fontana and took her to the groomer for her birthday grooming, and then, we went gift shopping at the adjacent pet store. We wanted to surprise you at home. We stopped here on our way back to your house, you came home early, and you showed up here unexpectedly and “caught” us. I’m not sure what Ed wanted to do at his place, although he squeezed my butt cheek yesterday. I thought he was just kidding around—he went “honk honk” when he squeezed it. Anyway, don’t you just love the way Fontana looks?

Me: I wasn’t listening. I was thinking about the bag of puppy chow under Ed’s sink. I felt my BIC in my pocket and looked at the biscuit bomb in my hand.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

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Congeries

Posted on June 19, 2022 | Leave a comment

Congeries (con’ger-eez): Piling up words of differing meaning but for a similar emotional effect [(akin to climax)].

Big. Medium. Small. Short. Tiny. Microscopic. Who cares? How did size get connected to so many things? Larger than life. Big time. Huge. Big as a house. Colossal. Size matters, even if it doesn’t matter. But it does! It does too much. I have a foot-long penis. It is a blessing a curse. When I talk about it, most people find it fascinating. I’m happy about that until I get questions like, “Couldn’t you make a lot of money in an adult circus sideshow?” “Do you have a cam-site?” I prefer questions like “How do you stuff it in your pants?” “Has it made you more confident?” “Does it keep you from playing any sports?”

I remember when I became aware of my bigness. My father joined me up with the YMCA when I was ten. Back then, naked swimming was the norm. I was late and all the boys were lined up naked by the pool when I got there. I saw their tiny dinks and knew I was special. But, I left for fear I’d be teased. I don’t know why my father did that to me, but I thought that he might have a big honker too and wanted to toughen me to teasing. My suspicion was confirmed when my dad died and the mortician felt obligated to tell us what was there. If the penis museum in Iceland was open at the time, his giant wang would be floating in a jar in Reykjavik.

I could write a book about my gargantuan pecker. It has defined me and given me my orientation toward life. Next time you’re eating a wiener on the 4th of July or Labor Day, put some mustard on it and think of me.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

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Congeries

Posted on October 22, 2021 | Comments Off on Congeries

Congeries (con’ger-eez): Piling up words of differing meaning but for a similar emotional effect [(akin to climax)].

Dizziness. Flatulence. Itching. Constipation. I’m not Santa Claus. I’m not Mick Jagger. I’m not Ward Bond (he’s dead). I am just an old man with the usual maladies. I watch TV day and night and wait for the phone to ring. It’s either going to be the Angel of Death or another damn bill collector. My kids never call me. My car was impounded by the state police because I had been ticketed 12 times for driving 25 “or less” on the freeway.

My Social Security check covers my rent, five cans of tuna, five cans of beans, one gallon of milk, 2 boxes of Fruit Loops, one loaf of day-old bread, and one bottle of Bakon Vodka per month. I dropped out of Meals on Wheels because the volunteer delivery lady wanted to have conversations and asked too many questions.

My wife got our whole nest egg when she divorced me—she found out I had an “extra” child with our cleaning lady and that was enough to win her the whole enchilada, which was substantial.

Pain. Anxiety. Emptiness. Anger. Sorrow. These are my golden years: the sun is setting over the pile of shit my life has become.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

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Congeries

Posted on July 10, 2020 | Leave a comment

Congeries (con’ger-eez): Piling up words of differing meaning but for a similar emotional effect [(akin to climax)].

Masked, wary, frightened, and determined, crawling through the grocery store staying below the killer mist drifting up and down the aisles. We need food, but if it’s not on the floor I won’t touch it–advice of FOX TV News. I crawl past a woman standing up examining a head of lettuce. I tell her to get down with me or she will die. She laughs and beans me on the head with the lettuce. Ha! Now it’s on the floor. I grab the lettuce and crawl as fast as I can to checkout. My knees are bleeding. My back hurts. I don’t think I’ll watch Fox TV News any more.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

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Congeries 

Posted on October 27, 2017 | Leave a comment

Congeries (con’ger-eez): Piling up words of differing meaning but for a similar emotional effect [(akin to climax)].

Crying, sweating, stumbling, falling, passing out. Today, I tried walking home from work. If a passerby hadn’t known CPR and performed it on me I’d be resting in the morgue right now!

I’m going to check my health insurance policy and my ‘final expense’ policy tonight. If they’re in good order, I’ll try walking to work in the morning.

I think I’ll buy some sweatpants and t-shirts on Amazon and carry my suit and tie in a shopping bag. I think my loafers will work for footwear, but I may have to buy some walking shoes too.

If I die tomorrow, you can have my glass kangaroo collection and giant ice cream bowl–my two most prized possessions: valuable, delicate, different and beautiful. I’ve spent a lot of good quality time arranging and rearranging my kangaroos while eating Chocolate-Covered Cupcake ice cream from my bowl–which, as you know, is made from silver and is encrusted with moonstones.

Wish me luck and pass the kale and beans! Big day tomorrow!

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

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Congeries

Posted on February 8, 2017 | Leave a comment

Congeries (con’ger-eez): Piling up words of differing meaning but for a similar emotional effect [(akin to climax)].

Ice, slipping. Rain, drenching. Snow, drifting.  Sunshine, blinding. Clouds & snow again–all in one afternoon.  Welcome to Central New York (CNY) where we play weather roulette trying to plan our days and nights around (or in spite of) the weather.

I’m thinking of inventing a combo tool just for CNY: Umbrella, snow brush, ice scraper, an all-in-one weather-thwarting tool.

Sunglasses sold separately.

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

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Congeries

Posted on January 30, 2015 | Leave a comment

Congeries (con’ger-eez): Piling up words of differing meaning but for a similar emotional effect [(akin to climax)].

Snow, buried, blizzard, frozen, freezing, shoveling, plowing, salting, sobbing.

From Machias, to Merrimac they’re sobbing for the collapsing roofs.

They’s sobbing for the burning homes.

They’re sobbing for the bursting pipes.

And worst of all, because of you, Juno, they’re sobbing at the wailing sirens–at the flashing lights of ambulances saving the injured and delivering the dead.

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

 

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Congeries

Posted on September 18, 2013 | Leave a comment

Congeries (con’ger-eez): Piling up words of differing meaning but for a similar emotional effect [(akin to climax)].

Homes and highways damaged and destroyed. Friends and loved ones missing and dead.

Yesterday we were in schock. Today, we mourn. Tomorrow, we will begin to rebuild.

In the weeks, months, and years to come we will work, rejoice, remember, struggle, and seek solace in the spirit of hope that joins us and speeds us ahead.

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

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Congeries

Posted on February 21, 2013 | Leave a comment

Congeries (con’-ger-eez): Piling up words of differing meaning but for a similar emotional effect [(akin to climax)].

The new Appple iGod is indestructible, immutable, and runs on pure sweet love beamed from above by iDove. Its media player will supposedly “restoreth your soul” with endlessly looping ambient angelic music available on iHymn for all eternity for only 99¢! Bottom line: like all things Appple, it’s beyond biblical, man! It’s like, hyperousion!

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

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Congeries

Posted on September 29, 2010 | Leave a comment

Congeries (con’-ger-eez): Piling up words of differing meaning but for a similar emotional effect [(akin to climax)].

Your proposal is unrealistic, dangerous, insulting, immoral, and muddled.  In short, it’s ready for the shredder.

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

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Congeries

Posted on November 22, 2007 | Leave a comment

Congeries (con’ger-eez): Piling up words of differing meaning but for a similar emotional effect [(akin to climax)].

You are my generous, intelligent, kind, creative, loving, self-confident buddy! My child! My daughter! My rainbow!

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

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