Apocope (a-pok’-o-pe): Omitting a letter or syllable at the end of a word. A kind of metaplasm.
I was twistin’ and shoutin’. It was the senior dance and I was stoked. By “senior” I don’t mean high school. I mean old people at Faded Glory rest home. We had a monthly dance. It was not unusual for one or two people to die of heart attacks on the dance floor. They were mostly men who’d worked all their lives, or took drugs, or both.
Last month Jack Goldwing did his last dip on the dance floor. He was 87 and had worked shining shoes from his stand in the Running Brook Mall for 57 years. He told me about some of the techniques he employed to get a big tip—he would call the customer “Sir” and brush super fast. Then he would spit on the shoe (or boot) and rub it even faster until it had a mirror shine. He averaged $2.00 in tips per shine. Not a lot, but better than nothing. He died doing the “dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, num, num, num, num,” a fast novelty dance from the sixties.
I met a women at Faded Glory. Since then I haven’t been sleepin’ alone. Well, technically I’m alone—alone in my bed I’d had pushed into her room. We share so much in common—we’re both in our eighties, neither of us have children—well technically we both have children, but they don’t act like them— no birthday cards, no visits. Nothing. I pay my own way at Faded Glory. They are absentee children, circling around waiting to pick our bank accounts when we die.
In my case there’s a lot to “pick.” I was an inventor for many years. For example, I invented the “Dill Pickle Guard.” It was for people who pack their own lunch and are plagued by leaky pickles. It works on the same principle as a condom, only it has a zip-lock top. I made millions off of it. You might be familiar with it from your own lunch-packing days. I also invented nutritional paste for people who like to eat paste. I did’t do anything to alter the flavor. They are bite-sized nuggets that come in different colors, but white is the overwhelming favorite. I made millions on that one too.
I have hundreds more inventions—the hand crank toaster, the solar panel hat, canine themed bedroom slippers. And more. Check me out on Wikipedia is you want to know more. My name is Alf Briteige.
