Category Archives: cacozelia

Cacozelia (ka-ko-zeel’-i-a): 1. A stylistic affectation of diction, such as throwing in foreign words to appear learned. 2. Bad taste in words or selection of metaphor, either to make the facts appear worse or to disgust the auditors.

My cat made me nervous. His utilization of his food bowl as a litter box made me reticent to be around him. I wanted to incentivize him to do the right thing, so I started putting his food in his litter box and switched the food dish for the litter box, putting the litter box in the kitchen for him to eat from. But then he started looking at me—sitting on his haunches, unblinking yellow eyes, grooming his whiskers. I had heard of cats eating their owners—chewing off their faces and escaping through their cat flap, blood dripping from their whiskers to ingratiate themselves to an unsuspecting widow or a little girl or boy, or any lonely person in need of a modicum of affection and company.

Every night would begin with Sidney jumping up on my bed. He would dig his well-honed claws into my chest as he purred, sounding like an idling motorcycle. After I’ve fallen asleep, he jumps off the bed and wakes me up with a loud thump on the floor. I go back to sleep. He jumps back on the bed and wakes me up. He starts kneading me, claws pricking my chest. He stops. Purrs. We both go to sleep. He wakes up, jumps off the bed, wakes me up, etc., etc. I have been sleep deprived for 4 years. I would send Sydney to the animal shelter if he did not have a redeeming behavior.

Each year the manufacturer of “Silver Stench” canned cat food hosts the “Cat Flap Classic.” The “Cat Flap Classic” consists of a 10-foot dash through a cat flap. The cat with the fastest time for the 10-foot dash wins the prize which is $20,000, a year’s supply of “Silver Stench,” plus a series of “Silver Stench” endorsements. Sidney has won the “Cat Flap Classic” for the past 3 years. I take the prize money and leave Sydney staying with the Vet. I travel to the Arizona desert, where it is quiet and there’s no cat to keep me awake. Ahhhh.

When I got back this year, the Vet told me Sydney was suffering from arthritis and his running days are over. It was hard to believe—he was 100% healthy when I left for Arizona. But it was true—Sydney could hardly walk. Our racing days were over. So, I invented “The Cat-a-Vator.” It is a battery-powered lift mounted on a small hand truck. When a cat steps on the lift’s platform, it slowly goes up, and they can walk onto the bed without having to jump. Likewise, stepping on it when it was up would make it go down.

I made millions off “The Cat-a-Vator.” Our mansion has fifteen cat flaps. Sydney enjoys walking through them. But, Sydney still kept me awake. There was nothing I could do—Sydney would not shut up. So, I came up with the idea of using noise cancelling ear buds to deaden the purring sound. It worked! Now, I am working with “Silver Stench” to hold a “Cat Flap Classic” for elderly and disabled cats. I think Sydney is looking forward to competing.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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