Category Archives: aschematiston

Aschematiston

Aschematiston: The use of plain, unadorned or unornamented language. Or, the unskilled use of figurative language. A vice. [Outside of any particular context of use or sense of its motive, it may be difficult to determine what’s “plain, unadorned or unornamented language.” The same is true of the “unskilled use of figurative language.”]


I am an amateur organic chemist. I boil random things, cut them up and look at them on dishes or in cups from my mother’s China set. I also practice experiments in behavior modification. My last b-mod study was to use carefully metered electric shocks to train a duck to bark like a dog. The experiment almost succeeded as far as the duck developed a taste for dog biscuits, but barking was not going to happen. The duck survived the experiment. Now, it staggers and falls down when it walks and can’t do “ducks in a row” any more. He has been, what I call “deflocked.”

My “Mummy” stands in the corner watching me. When she died in the living room upstairs, I dragged her into the kitchen, took her apart and dried her out in the oven. Then, I put her back together and dressed her in her favorite red blouse, Campbell tartan skirt and my favorite apron, with the inscription: “I’d be a vegetarian if bacon grew on trees.” Every time I look at her standing there, I have to laugh. If Mom wasn’t a mummy, she’d laugh too, but if she laughed now, she would crack.

Today, I am trying to get one of my lab rats to moonwalk like Michael Jackson. I put him on my rat treadmill, and he keeps flying off the back and hitting the wall, and landing on the floor. I am thinking about making a papier-mâché moon, and then letting the lab rat walk on it. I’m not sure, but I think walking on a papier-mâché moon would constitute a moon walk. But, maybe I should try a different kind of animal—maybe a black bear or a box turtle. In the meantime I’ll set the slightly injured lab rat free down by the town dump. He’s nearly blind from hitting the basement wall so many times, but who knows, he may find somebody to love down at the dump and start a family. I sincerely hope he does not catch rabies, or some sort of social disease, from his rat-bride.


Paper and Kindle versions of The Daily Trope are available at Amazon under the title The Book of Tropes.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

Aschematiston

Aschematiston: The use of plain, unadorned or unornamented language. Or, the unskilled use of figurative language. A vice. [Outside of any particular context of use or sense of its motive, it may be difficult to determine what’s “plain, unadorned or unornamented language.” The same is true of the “unskilled use of figurative language.”]


1. The Red Fox jumped over the fence. He landed on the other side and kept going. He was hunting mice. The mice lived in the field. He caught a mouse and chewed its head off before he ate it. Then, he went on his way. I watched hm until he disappeared into the woods on the other side of the field. Then, I climbed over the fence to examine the mouse’s head. It’s eyes were glassy and it’s nose was dripping blood. I put the head in the plastic sandwich bag I carried on my country walks. When I got home I would boil the head until the flesh fell off. Then, I would add it to my skull collection. So far, I had a crow, a rabbit, a groundhog, a squirrel, a raccoon, a vagrant, and a chicken.

2. The Northern Lights looked like strands of colored spaghetti dangling overhead— the stars looked like twinkling flecks of Parmesan cheese, shaken from above, seasoning the display with their shimmering cheesiness. I had been in Iceland for two weeks waiting to spot the Lights. I was collecting dust like a tabletop in a sawmill. I was a tire waiting to roll. Finally, the Lights appeared. I was happy as a crayon rubbing around on a piece of paper.

It was time to go back to New York.

Iceland is pile of old lava with smelly steam coming out of holes in the ground everywhere. Iceland is a lava lullaby where it is either light or dark all the time. I had seen the Northern Lights. One more thing to erase from the list of things I want to do. Next, I will visit Liberty Park in New Jersey. After that, maybe the Tesla factory—it will be electrifying!


Paper and Kindle versions of The Daily Trope are available at Amazon under the title The Book of Tropes.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.


Aschematiston

Aschematiston: The use of plain, unadorned or unornamented language. Or, the unskilled use of figurative language. A vice. [Outside of any particular context of use or sense of its motive, it may be difficult to determine what’s “plain, unadorned or unornamented language.” The same is true of the “unskilled use of figurative language.”]


1. This is a mess. You spilled your milk and dumped your Spaghettios on the floor. I’m going to pretend I never saw this, but you should consider heading back to Kentucky and working as a school crossing guard or something like that. What do you think, Mitch?

2. The sky is a sponge squeezing it’s juice on the peanut butter earth: like a forked wing flying around in circles spitting invisible lice into the air, it rains down a blood-sucking shower of Truth.


Paper and Kindle versions of The Daily Trope are available at Amazon under the title The Book of Tropes.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

Aschematiston

Aschematiston: The use of plain, unadorned or unornamented language. Or, the unskilled use of figurative language. A vice. [Outside of any particular context of use or sense of its motive, it may be difficult to determine what’s “plain, unadorned or unornamented language.” The same is true of the “unskilled use of figurative language.”]

1. Today is Wednesday. Tomorrow is Thursday. Then comes Friday. Friday is payday. Starting at 5.00pm, it is the best day of the week. It’s when the Senators and Representatives take off their shirts and hang around the mall.

2. The sky is clouded with big clouds, like floating Brillo pads hovering over bedsheets of snow. Winter has arrived and I am headed to the air-conditioned wonderland brimming with swimming pool hopes and coconut pies. It’s like watching a puppy wag its tail. Mexico, here I come!

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

Aschematiston

Aschematiston: The use of plain, unadorned or unornamented language. Or, the unskilled use of figurative language. A vice. [Outside of any particular context of use or sense of its motive, it may be difficult to determine what’s “plain, unadorned or unornamented language.” The same is true of the “unskilled use of figurative language.”]

1. You smell like borscht.

2. Where did you get that expensive vodka?

3. Your answers are like pieces of fruit with all the juice squeezed out.

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

Aschematiston

Aschematiston: The use of plain, unadorned or unornamented language. Or, the unskilled use of figurative language. A vice. [Outside of any particular context of use or sense of its motive, it may be difficult to determine what’s “plain, unadorned or unornamented language.” The same is true of the “unskilled use of figurative language.”]

1. You smell.

2. Your tailwind is a foulwind!

  • Post your own aschematiston on the “Comments” page!

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

 

Aschematiston

Aschematiston: The use of plain, unadorned or unornamented language. Or, the unskilled use of figurative language. A vice. [Outside of any particular context of use or sense of its motive, it may be difficult to determine what’s “plain, unadorned or unornamented language.” The same is true of the “unskilled use of figurative language.”]

1. I am going to school now.

2. I’m flying to the learn-house before the tick goes tock!

  • Post your own aschematiston on the “Comments” page!

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

Aschematiston

Aschematiston: The use of plain, unadorned or unornamented language. Or, the unskilled use of figurative language. A vice. [Outside of any particular context of use or sense of its motive, it may be difficult to determine what’s “plain, unadorned or unornamented language.” The same is true of the “unskilled use of figurative language.”]

1. I am.

2. It’s time to put the brakes on that tomato–it’s permeating my mind like a frozen pants suit.

  • Post your own aschematiston on the “Comments” page!

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.