Category Archives: tapinosis

Tapinosis

Tapinosis (ta-pi-no’-sis): Giving a name to something which diminishes it in importance.


I’m 29 and they call me “Goo Goo.” It has got to be the worst nickname ever or anywhere. It is worse than “Dooley Burger” or “Biltong Butt” or, for sure, “Cabbage Breath.” As far as I know, it comes from the sound I made before I could talk. It was cute back then, but now I carry it everywhere—my boss at work even calls me Goo Goo: “Hey Goo Goo, bring me the Potcher real estate file.” The nickname has faded into the woodwork. It just seems “normal” to everybody to call a 29-year-old man Goo Goo. I used to say “please don’t call me that,” but I gave up. People would say “Ok Goo Goo,” or “Whatever you want Goo Goo,” and then just go on calling me Goo Goo. I thought, maybe if I changed my nickname I could escape Goo Goo. My Name is George Matlock. I though that “Mat” would be a good nickname. When people called me “Goo Goo,” I would say “Please call me Mat, it’s short for Matlock, my last name.” Not a single person honored my request, not even my mother. In fact, she was insulted and threatened to die at home instead of St. Martyr’s Nursing Home, where all I would have to do is visit every month, pawning off her end-of-life care on the good Sisters.

After exhausting all my nickname excising strategies, I decided to move somewhere far, far away from where “everybody knew my name.” I settled on Botswana, where I could get a job as a broker working in a diamond exchange. As far as I knew I was a complete stranger to everybody in the whole country of Botswana. I became Mat Matlock. Good solid Mat Matlock. Every time I said my name was “Mat,” a chill ran down my spine. I had “Mat” monogrammed on my shirt cuffs. I had a white hat that had “Mat” embroidered on it in giant red letters. I wore it to play golf. I had a water bottle that said “Mat.” Next, sitting in my living room on a Saturday afternoon, I was considering a “Mat” tattoo. The doorbell rang. I opened the door. It was a postman hand-delivering a piece of mail “forwarded all the way from the USA.” As the postman handed it over, to my horror I saw it was addressed to Goo Goo Matlock and it was from Publisher’s Clearing House. I asked the postman if anybody else had seen it. He said, “Well, Mr. Goo Goo, of course.” When I heard him say “Mr. Goo Goo,” a pain shot through my chest and I fell on the floor. I woke up in a hospital room. My wristband said “Goo Goo Matlock.” I tried to smother myself with my pillow, but I couldn’t figure out how to do it. A nurse came in my room to administer my meds. She said, “Now, now Goo Goo, I’ll be taking care of you. We’ll get that mean old heart attack fixed.”

When my nurse said “Goo Goo,” all my anxieties faded away. Her “Goo Goo” had a magical effect. “How did you find me?” I asked. She looked shyly at the floor. She said, “I’ve always been here Goo Goo.” Again, I felt the magical inflow. She told me she was the guardian spirit I had unwittingly conjured as a little boy when I had said “Goo Goo” in my crib. She had nicknamed me “Goo Goo” and had implanted it in my mother’s head, and had spread it far and wide. I was dumbfounded, a little scared, but mostly angry. “Why did you make me suffer all those years, hating it, and being humiliated, every time I was called Goo Goo?” Tears came to her eyes—they were beautiful as they sparkled in the hospital room’s institutional light. “It’s about the lessons we must learn in life” That did it! All the suffering bullshit. It hurt. It was awful. I didn’t learn shit. I grabbed the water bottle from the bedside table, and aimed it for her head. The bottle hit her square on the forehead and her head burst into pastel-colored flames. There was a little man’s head inside her head yelling “Goo Goo” and laughing maniacally. Suddenly, she disappeared and my hospital wristband said “Mat Matlock.” The postman came to visit and he called me “Mat.” I was free!

Everybody was happy to see me when I came back to work at the diamond exchange. A huge blue diamond had been mined while I was gone. I was anxious to see it, so I went down to the vault to check it out. It was in a glass case with a name card leaning against it: “Goo Goo.” I felt like I was falling down an elevator shaft. I was shaking, pounding my forehead, and laughing maniacally. I was given an additional 2 weeks leave from work. I sought out a famous shaman from Zimbabwe. Together, we got on the internet and, along with numerous charms and potions, we Googled, and we found the Goo Goo spirit hiding as a photo of a Caramel Gooey Bite on a Quest Candy site—a very clever ruse for a Goo Goo. The Shaman whipped up a piece of anti-Goo Goo code, spoke an incantation, released the code on the Quest Candy site, and scrambled the Goo Goo once and for all.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Tapinosis

Tapinosis (ta-pi-no’-sis): Giving a name to something which diminishes it in importance.


Operative: My name is Nello. I’m glad to see you can afford a Rolls Roach: the automobile of the aristocracy—the automobile of the oppressor. You should know better than to stop for a saw horse with a blinking yellow light. And driving alone too—tsk tsk. Get out of the car, or should I say scar? Pants down! Hands up! I’ll just fish your wallet out of your jacket pocket while you tremble and think about your immediate future. Ok, what’s your phone’s passcode—don’t make me smash your skull with this tire iron. Ok. What’s your bank account’s pin? You’re going to give me a grant to save the world from people like you. Ok, I bet you even know your swift code Mr. International Business Man. Time to empty your account into mine. Ahhh. Nice. Now, take off your pants. We’re going to soak them in gasoline and use them to torch the 4-wheeled obscenity you’re driving. Normally, we’d take your shoes too, but it’s supposed to rain & we don’t want you getting your feet wet. He ha! Do you have anything to say?

Victim: Yes indeed! I obtained this car about an hour ago from the headquarters of Pompelmous Corporation, makers of edible listening devices disguised as grapefruits. I have disguised myself as Pompelmous’s CEO and am on my way to sabotage a secret meeting in New Vernon to discuss expanding their line of devices to English muffins and Taylor Ham. I will kill all the attendees. I am unafraid to sacrifice my life to protect my privacy and save us all from government snooping into every facet of our lives.

Operative: My God! That’s beautiful! Pull up your pants and be on your way!

Victim: (on cellphone). Hello, police? There’s a gang of revolutionaries on RTE. 12 right outside Green Village with a fake roadblock. They are flagging down luxury automobiles, in the name of some kind of political movement, and taking the occupants’ money. Oh, you’ve already gotten a number of other calls? Why are they still there? Under surveillance? Is this Nello? Nello?

Operative: Yes. It’s me and I’m in the back seat with a Glock aimed at your head. Turn this shit barge around. We’re headed for the Great Swamp. I’ll be driving alone to the chop shop and you’ll be face-down in the mud. Don’t try any funny business or our little ride will abruptly end.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99.

Tapinosis

Tapinosis (ta-pi-no’-sis): Giving a name to something which diminishes it in importance.


Where did you get that ping-pong table hanging on the wall? Turn it on so we can watch the last episode of Dallas, or maybe the security cam in the Wal-Mart parking lot.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99.

Tapinosis

Tapinosis  (ta-pi-no’-sis): Giving a name to something which diminishes it in importance.

So, you’re still a fan of the New York Tinies? They used to be giants, now they’re ants. Give it up. 

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99.

Tapinosis

Tapinosis  (ta-pi-no’-sis): Giving a name to something which diminishes it in importance.

So, where did you get your new Muddy Benz? Was it at an auction?

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99.

Tapinosis  (ta-pi-no’-sis): Giving a name to something which diminishes it in importance.

So, when is the Volkscheater diesel emissions scandal going to settle? When the fat lady chokes?

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Tapinosis

Tapinosis  (ta-pi-no’-sis): Giving a name to something which diminishes it in importance.

Have you seen the 2014 Crudillac?

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Tapinosis

Tapinosis (ta-pi-no’-sis): Giving a name to something which diminishes it in importance.

The so-called “fiscal cliff” is actually a fiscal curb. If we go over the fiscal curb, we’ll drive off the road to prosperity.

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Definition courtesy of: “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

Tapinosis

Tapinosis (ta-pi-no’-sis): Giving a name to something which diminishes it in importance.

Are you going to wear your mink skins to the theatre?

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Definition courtesy of: “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

Tapinosis

Tapinosis (ta-pi-no’-sis): Giving a name to something which diminishes it in importance.

The King’s wearing his metal sparkly-hat again!

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Definition courtesy of: “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)