Category Archives: sarcasmus

Sarcasmus

Sarcasmus (sar’kaz’-mus): Use of mockery, verbal taunts, or bitter irony.


“You look like a gerbil in a dress. What are you going to do about it? Cut down on the food pellets? Work out on your hamster wheel more often and more vigorously? Wear a mumu? Hide in your cage? Liposuction?” I was mean. I was angry. I was tired of dating a bowl full of jello.

That said, you’ve got to remember how you got this way and do it in reverse. I think ice cream played a role—you actually did scream for ice cream when I duct-taped you to a chair to keep you out of the refrigerator. Then, you whined like a dog begging for a treat. I turned you loose when you threatened to call the police. With the duct-tape, I didn’t know how you planned to do it, but I cut you loose anyway. You ran for the refrigerator and tore open the freezer door. There it was: a gallon of chocolate marshmallow raspberry pistachio chunky chocolate swirl. I called it swill instead of swirl. Before I could say “Go for it fatso,” you had the soup spoon going like a jackhammer and your mouth and chin were smeared with ice cream. I could almost see your girth growing. You finished one gallon of fat-laden ice crap in 25 minutes.

That was it, I said “Goodbye fatty. Have fun at the trough” and headed for the door. You stuck your finger down your throat and a torrent of melted ice cream spewed out between your chocolate-stained lips. “Oh God, now it’s bulimia?” I yelled. This was exactly the moment I realized that I loved you. Together, we could beat this fat lard-ass thing. With your consent, I locked you in the bedroom. It had a bathroom attached. I fed you healthy meals 2 times a day. In three months you had your old body back again—after we had the sagging skin tucked. When we had sex now, I had no trouble funding your vagina. Life was perfect.

Then, I came home early one day and there was a huge fat guy on the couch feeding you M&Ms through a funnel. I called you lots of names, but I think the best was “fudge sucker.” I packed my bags and left. I will never call anybody sweetheart ever again, and it’s all your fault, you blubber-breathed scale buster. You brain dead butt wind blower.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Sarcasmus

Sarcasmus (sar’kaz’-mus): Use of mockery, verbal taunts, or bitter irony.


I have been living with you for two years—oh, I should say “dying” with you. Since you’ve dyed your hair like a-shades-of-shit rainbow, I’ve been looking around the house for your brain so I can stuff it back into your head and maybe make you normal again. I might as well be living with a piece of cheese: a reticent wedge of not so sharp cheddar.

I don’t know what happened to you to throw you so far out of character. Maybe it was falling down the stairs? Maybe it was being hit by a car? Maybe it was catching fire at your birthday party? Maybe it was being attacked by a shark and losing your foot? I don’t know, but I am compassionate. You have a month to find yourself.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99, and also in a Kindle edition for $5.99.

Sarcasmus

Sarcasmus (sar’kaz’-mus): Use of mockery, verbal taunts, or bitter irony.

Your hair is a complicated blond freeway intersection designed to confuse your nits into tumbling down your collar. For a guy with your brains, I would expect something like this. Time and again, you show us all how amazingly brilliant your amazing brilliance is. If we could all be like you the world would be destroyed.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99, and also in a Kindle edition for $5.99.

Sarcasmus

Sarcasmus (sar’kaz’-mus): Use of mockery, verbal taunts, or bitter irony.

I think that’s a lovely hairdo. I like the long swirling blond wings. A truly cosmic comb-over. You must have a gifted sculptor doing your hair! I envy its complexity and the message it sends: Vanity rocks!

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99.

Sarcasmus

Sarcasmus (sar’kaz’-mus): Use of mockery, verbal taunts, or bitter irony.

Yesterday was a stellar f***ing day! My subscription to The Economist expired, my pants fell down at the mall, I lost my wallet, I ran out of vodka, my cat froze to the back porch, I found out my neighbor gave me an STD, I slipped in the shower, I chipped a tooth, my hemorrhoids flared up, and I felt like I had a Serrano pepper stuck up my a**! To top it off, the  damn bald spot on the back of my head grew by another 1.16 inches!

Truly, a wonderful f***ing day–like having a stroke, being run over by a Fedex truck, going to Trenton, NJ being spread on a 12-foot long ebola sandwich headed full bore into a chipper-shredder.

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Sarcasmus (sar’kaz’-mus): Use of mockery, verbal taunts, or bitter irony.

Don-cha just love Sarah Palin! She’s there for pistol packer patriot Ted Nugent! Just like him, she’s tolerant, respectful, and wise.  They’re like two peas in a red, white, and blue pod.

Let’s pull our .357’s, aim high, and fire a few hundred rounds toward Washington as a tribute to freedom of expression and a show of support for Sarah and Ted, Wild Turkey, Fox News, and the NRA!

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Sarcasmus

Sarcasmus (sar’kaz’-mus): Use of mockery, verbal taunts, or bitter irony.

Look, it’s the amazing Whining Weiner! How tony! How tasty! How trendy! How cheap!

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Sarcasmus

Sarcasmus (sar’-kaz-mus): Use of mockery, verbal taunts, or bitter irony.

Those Greeks sure know how to manage their money–nothing beats double-triple-minus-∞ junk bond status as a testament to Greece’s brilliance at managing its finances.

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Sarcasmus

Sarcasmus (sar-kaz-mus): Use of mockery, verbal taunts, or bitter irony.

Hey, New York–don’t let the bedbugs bite!

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Sarcasmus

Sarcasmus (sar’kaz’-mus): Use of mockery, verbal taunts, or bitter irony.

What’s the matter Georgie–did the big bad Congress give you a boo boo?

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).