Category Archives: mempsis

Mempsis

Mempsis (memp’-sis): Expressing complaint and seeking help.


Since I started getting old, my butt has started shrinking. It used to be like a big baked ham. It provided a cushion to sit on no matter where where I was—on the rocks by the ocean, at a wooden picnic table, on a bar stool, on a park bench. Since my butt has more less disappeared, sitting on any of those hard surfaces has become uncomfortable, almost to the point that I’d rather stand. Shore rocks are especially difficult, as well as quarried blocks. I’ve taken to carrying a small round pillow that belonged to my mom and held a prominent place on our living room couch. She left it to me in her will with a cryptic message: “Don’t fear the surface.” Evidentially my butt-shrink malady was hereditary. Although the pillow is great, there’s another shrunken butt problem that I think I’ve solved.

When my butt was like a baked ham, it provided a sort of shelf for my pants to rest on. Now that my butt has diminished, the shelf is gone and my pants have started falling down. When I bent over or squatted my butt crack showed. For example, a few weeks ago, I squatted down in the grocery store to grab my favorite cereal off the bottom shelf. I felt a cool breeze and a woman started yelling at me, covering her eyes, and calling me a “dirty old butt flasher.” A crowd gathered and somebody threw a loaf of Italian bread at me. It was humiliating, and painful too.

So, I tried tightening my belt three notches, but all that did was cut off the flow of blood to my kidneys. I also tried smaller pants—they were uncomfortable, especially on my man parts: if I moved the wrong way, it was like I got shot in the crotch. Besides, my pants still managed to inch their was down my hips and I couldn’t pull them up because they were too tight. Here’s my solution: suspenders! I always wondered why people wore them. Now, I know why: to gracefully manage the symptoms of the terrible physical condition I relentlessly suffer from: Dwindling Butt Syndrome (DBS). The suspenders will keep my pants up. I made this discovery last Christmas when I took my granddaughter to the mall to see Santa Claus. When he got up to get a drink of water, I noticed he had diminished butt. I saw that he had a big pillow on his Santa Throne. I understood that. But what I didn’t understand was how he kept his Santa trousers up in the face of his case of DBS. So, I asked. He said, “Ho, Ho, Ho, son. See these babies?” He stuck his thumbs behind his suspenders, pulled the suspenders out, and snapped them. “Get yourself a pair of these, and your pants will stay up like your butt has regenerated.” Santa smiled and handed me a little candy cane, and gave one to my granddaughter too.

Well there you have it. Santa gave me a tip for life that was the best Christmas gift I ever got. Even though I am deeply grateful to Santa, I’m considering having my butt cheeks pumped full of collagen.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Mempsis

Mempsis (memp’-sis): Expressing complaint and seeking help.


Stogle Bridge has been falling down for the past three months. It is unconscionable for the town council to let this happen. If that crack widens a little more, and we keep the bridge open, plain and simple, people will die. Please close the bridge, allocate the funding to repair it, and REPAIR it! I need your help. We need your help. Please do the right thing. Thank-you.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99. A Kindle edition is available for $5.99,

Mempsis

Mempsis (memp’-sis): Expressing complaint and seeking help.

I can’t find my bicycle pump. I can never find it when you’re around. Come on, help me find it. I’m sure you put it somewhere around here where we can find it. Come on!

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99. A Kindle edition is available for $5.99,

Mempsis

Mempsis (memp’-sis): Expressing complaint and seeking help.

You told us we would get some “dirt” on Hillary Clinton. You’ve given us nothing. Come on–surely you have something! Please! I know you’ve got to have something.*

*This is fake news–purely fictional. Never happened.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99. A Kindle edition is available for $5.99,

Mempsis

Mempsis (memp’-sis): Expressing complaint and seeking help.

I was led to believe that this powder would grow hair on my head! So far, I’ve dumped a kilo on my bald spot and nothing’s happened.

Well, something’s happened: there’s an abundance of hair growing out of my nose and ears–there’s lots of it & it isn’t very attractive. Also, hairy warts have popped up on my cheeks & I’m getting a hump on my back.

What the hell have you done to me?

Fix it!

What? You say I bought the “Troll Formula” by mistake?

So, what can you do to fix it?

What?!

I need to hide under a bridge for a week & and eat at least one ill-tempered billy goat?

That’s asking a lot, but I am getting a little hungry for billy goat.

Where’s the bridge?

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Mempsis

Mempsis (memp’-sis): Expressing complaint and seeking help.

Hello world! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

The Alert gizmo my daughter pinned to my robe is fake! When I press the button with the red flag on it plays a ring tone and sings “Arise! Arise! Arise!” Although I find this very inspirational while I’m on my back here on the floor, I actually need somebody to help me arise, arise, arise.

I’m glad I have my iPhone in my pocket. 911 is a life saver!

“Hello 911? I’ve fallen and I need immediate assistance so I can arise, arise, arise. Yes, I’m sure it’ll take three tries, so please dispatch a paramedic strong enough to lift a baby minke. My address is . . .”

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Mempsis

Mempsis (memp’-sis): Expressing complaint and seeking help.

When the US government shuts down tomorrow, the US Congress will be paid as usual and the US military will get government I.O.U.s.

You can’t pay a utility bill with an I.O.U.

We continuously hear from Congress how it owes the military a debt of gratitude.  Clearly, Congress has already gone into default on that debt.

As far as I can see, Congress can pay its biggest debt today by offering the entire US an APOLOGY for failing to govern, and by donating their bloated paychecks to the men and women in uniform who actually deserve to be paid!

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Mempsis

Mempsis (memp’-sis): Expressing complaint and seeking help.

Something is very wrong and it needs a lot of fixing. You work hard, yet you can’t afford college for your children. You work hard, yet you can’t afford health insurance for your children. In some cases, even though you work hard–maybe even at two jobs–you can’t provide your children with a nice place to live.  And what’s worse, you can’t even look your children straight in the eye and say, “Don’t worry, everything’s going to be all right.” Well, the only way to make everything all right–to make it better–is to join together and help me help you make everything all right. In less than a year, with your vote, we can turn things around. The future can be better.  I need your help. But, I need your help now. I need to be on that ballot in November if we’re going make everything all right.  So,  . . .

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).