Category Archives: apagoresis

Apagoresis

Apagoresis (a-pa-gor’-e-sis): A statement designed to inhibit someone from doing something. Often uses exaggeration [or hyperbole] to persuade. It may combine an exaggeration with a cause/effect or antecedent/consequence relationship. The consequences or effects of such a phrase are usually exaggerated to be more convincing.


Once there was a boy who shot dice every day. Every time he won, he would gratefully kiss the dice. Once there was an old lady who lived alone with her cat Rambo. She would shake his treat bag and clap her hands to call him. When he came home, she would pick Rambo up and gave him a kiss. There was a guy who was addicted to golf. He dressed like a lunatic in green riding pants, and a blue and orange and black golf shirt, and a pink hat. He cheated at golf, but he was the boss and nobody said anything. Whenever he sunk a putt he kissed the golf ball as if it were his lover, wrapping his tongue around it and quietly, and briefly, moaning. Then there was the woman who always kissed the egg before she cracked it and made scrambled eggs for her husband’s Saturday breakfast. And, there was a girl who still played Barbie at the age of 22. After Barbie defeated her in the living room ballerina contest, she was getting back at Barbie by giving Ken long lingering kisses, all over. Although Ken’s pubic area was only a flesh-colored triangular blank space, she pretended it wasn’t. She propped Barbie up in a position where she had to watch her slobber all over Ken’s flat pink plain of asexuality.

In the end, what happened to these kissing crazies? Every one of them had to have their lips amputated and then replaced by dead peoples’ lips—refrigerated since being surgically removed from their hosts. Lip loss is not as uncommon as we think, but in every case it is transmitted by kissing inanimate objects or animals. If you don’t want to lose your lips, kiss only people, and only on the lips.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

Paperback and Kindle editions of The Daily Trope are available on Kindle under the title The Book of Tropes.

Apagoresis

Apagoresis (a-pa-gor’-e-sis): A statement designed to inhibit someone from doing something. Often uses exaggeration [or hyperbole] to persuade. It may combine an exaggeration with a cause/effect or antecedent/consequence relationship. The consequences or effects of such a phrase are usually exaggerated to be more convincing.


A: If you keep touching yourself like that, your hand will start to smell like Satan’s butt, you will become a stutterer, and your privates will turn green and melt off. After that, you will die.

It’s not too late!

To begin your renewal, you can wear these touch-proof underpants. They are made of Kevlar and can stop a bullet. For purposes of bathing, and peeing and pooping, one of our church brethren will handcuff you, aim your penis for you, and hose you off. If he sees you somehow touching yourself, he is authorized to give you a shot of “electro-ball therapy.” It is what it sounds like, only it’s worse.

Well, what do you say?

B: If you are for real, I’m calling the police. You and your “congregation” are a bunch of sadistic weirdos.

A: Smell your hand.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

Paperback and Kindle editions of The Daily Trope are available on Kindle under the title The Book of Tropes.

Apagoresis

Apagoresis (a-pa-gor’-e-sis): A statement designed to inhibit someone from doing something. Often uses exaggeration [or hyperbole] to persuade. It may combine an exaggeration with a cause/effect or antecedent/consequence relationship. The consequences or effects of such a phrase are usually exaggerated to be more convincing.

If you do that again there’s no doubt–none at all–that you’re going straight to Hell when you die, which may be pretty soon at the rate you’re going. This isn’t baseball where you get three strikes–this is life, and in life you get one second chance–two strikes and you’re out. 

Rachel Maddow works directly for Satan. She spreads his sulfurous lies on the television. If you let those lies enter your brain, they will take it over and soon you will be disrespecting your parents, become a vegetarian, and get a tattoo.

For the tenth time time, I forbid you to watch Rachel Maddow–or any of CNN for that matter!

God wants you to respect your parents and eat meat–good red meat.

See that blowtorch on the dining room table? It’s there to remind us of the fiery horrors of Hell. See the back of my hand? That’s where my Daddy burned me when I was about your age. Your late grandmother had him put in jail–he was convicted of attempted murder for what he did to my hand. I never understood that, but glory, did it teach me a lesson!

If I was more smart, I would’ve listened to my Daddy. But I was too stupid to listen to his threats. I picked up the TV remote control to tune in “The Rifleman” and the next thing I knew my hand was on fire. Your grandmother called 911 and the police and put the fire out by sticking my hand in a mixing bowl filled with the strawberry jello she was making.

So, obey me and you’ll be all right. Disobey me again,  and I may use the family blowtorch to give you a taste of Hell.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

Apagoresis

Apagoresis (a-pa-gor’-e-sis): A statement designed to inhibit someone from doing something. Often uses exaggeration [or hyperbole] to persuade. It may combine an exaggeration with a cause/effect or antecedent/consequence relationship. The consequences or effects of such a phrase are usually exaggerated to be more convincing.

You thought Obamacare was a bad deal. Look at what’s coming our way through Congress to replace it!

Trumpcare (or whatever you want to call it) mistakenly uses the word “care” as in “health care.” As I read it, it should be called the “The Republicans and Trump Don’t Care About Sick People Death Warrant.”

If it passes in its present state (or even with further modifications to appease the Republican Conservative Evildoers), you are screwed–yes–Totally SCREWED. It’s like a health insurance plan for people who will never use it, because, if they do, it will cost an arm and a leg and probably their feet and some fingers too & that’s just for treating something like a case of the flu.

So, if you are prepared to die, support Trumpcare–it’ll kill you soon enough. When you see your insurance premium and your policy’s scope of coverage you’ll be clutching your chest and dialing 911. Can you do that–clutch & dial? Better start practicing. Or, better start calling your Republican Representative and begging her or him NOT to support the legislation.

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Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

Apagoresis

Apagoresis (a-pa-gor’-e-sis): A statement designed to inhibit someone from doing something. Often uses exaggeration [or hyperbole] to persuade. It may combine an exaggeration with a cause/effect or antecedent/consequence relationship. The consequences or effects of such a phrase are usually exaggerated to be more convincing.

Pew, that stinks!  Do that again and I’m going to pull over to the side of the road, get out the duct tape, and seal your gas pipe! Roll down the windows my eyes are burning! You are disgusting.

  • Post your own apagoresis on the “Comments” page!

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

 

Apagoresis

Apagoresis (a-pa-gor’-e-sis): A statement designed to inhibit someone from doing something. Often uses exaggeration [or hyperbole] to persuade. It may combine an exaggeration with a cause/effect or antecedent/consequence relationship. The consequences or effects of such a phrase are usually exaggerated to be more convincing.

The next time you order sushi, I’m going to slap you in the face with a mackerel and stuff wasabi up your nose.

  • Post your own apagoresis on the “Comments” page!

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

Apagoresis

Apagoresis (a-pa-gor’-e-sis): A statement designed to inhibit someone from doing something. Often uses exaggeration [or hyperbole] to persuade. It may combine an exaggeration with a cause/effect or antecedent/consequence relationship. The consequences or effects of such a phrase are usually exaggerated to be more convincing.  

Keep riding that motorcycle and some day you’ll be a red skid mark on the asphalt, or, if you’re lucky, a comatose stick in a hospital bed.

  • Post your own apagoresis on the “Comments” page!

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

Apagoresis

Apagoresis (a-pa-gor’-e-sis): A statement designed to inhibit someone from doing something. Often uses exaggeration [or hyperbole] to persuade. It may combine an exaggeration with a cause/effect or antecedent/consequence relationship. The consequences or effects of such a phrase are usually exaggerated to be more convincing.

If you burp like that again I’ll have you arrested!

  • Post your own apagoresis on the “Comments” page!

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

Apagoresis

Apagoresis (a-pa-gor’-e-sis): A statement designed to inhibit someone from doing something. Often uses exaggeration [or hyperbole] to persuade. It may combine an exaggeration with a cause/effect or antecedent/consequence relationship. The consequences or effects of such a phrase are usually exaggerated to be more convincing.  

If you get a tattoo, your your father will have a heart attack and your mother will cut your arm off!

  • Post your own apagoresis on the “Comments” page!

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.