Category Archives: martyria

Martyria

Martyria (mar-tir’-i-a): Confirming something by referring to one’s own experience.

See this tattoo?

I got it when I turned 18. It didn’t hurt and the colors have lasted beautifully for 10 years: good old Sponge Bob. Now that I’m 40, he’s better than ever! I keep it covered at work, but other than that, Bob’s free to see the light of day.

If you get the right image, a tattoo tells a story and is good to look at too!

I think you should get one. You like layer cake–a layer cake with pink frosting would be cool!

Go for it! Take my word for it–you’ll be happy you did.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Martyria

Martyria (mar-tir’-i-a): Confirming something by referring to one’s own experience.

See this scar?

It’s a token of pain. A trace of violence. An image of risk. A jagged lesson scribbled across my belly in slicing intersected strokes.

Clearly, I’m alive. Clearly, I survived the angry blade. Clearly, I fought back, or I would’t be here right now; I wouldn’t be standing right here, alive and well and ready to show you my plan–the plan that saved my life!

Simple! Here it is: It’s called a Glock. I emptied the magazine into the lunatic who was attacking me.

Problem solved!

I encourage you to try my plan!

If you can pull the trigger, you can defend yourself with a Glock!

Fire away!

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Martyria

Martyria (mar-tir’-i-a): Confirming something by referring to one’s own experience.

I took my belt in another notch. That’s twelve notches in three weeks. It wasn’t Jenny Craig, Nutrisystems, Medi-fast, diet pills or anything else that slimmed me down.

It was the ultimate weight-loss program!

 It was Lost in the Woods™

Three weeks ago, as agreed, my Lost in the Woods™ Near Death Coach (NDC), Ronald “Mad Cow” Zombinski-McGiver pushed me out of a helicopter hovering ten feet off the ground somewhere in Southwestern Oregon. Somewhere deep, maybe too deep, in the woods.

Ronald is a new breed of leading-edge dieticians who see being lost in the woods for three weeks shoeless, wearing only boxer shorts, and equipped solely with a signal mirror, as a natural, purely organic alternative to the weight loss gimmicks advertised in what Ronald calls “the commie  infomercials” on cable television pitched by Dan “The Dupe” Marino and Marie “Mata Hari” Osmond.

And now, here I am: Lost in the Woods™ I’m starving. I’m smelly. I’m shoeless, my heart is barely beating, BUT I’ve lost inches of useless fat faster than you can say “Bruised, blistered, burned, and bitten!”

I hear the thumping sound of the helicopter. It’s getting closer.  Soon, I will be raised from the forest, slender boxer-shorted stud that Lost in the Woods™ has made me!

I flash my mirror. I can hear the helicopter getting closer. There it is! Right over my head! I can see Mad Cow looking down from the door, leaning forward like he dosen’t care whether he falls out!  He’s got a huge smile on his face.

The prop wash knocks me on my back. There’s a little red dot on my chest. Through the swirling dust and pine needles I can see Mad Cow’s pistol and the purple writing on his t-shirt: Disappeared in the Woods™ . . .

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Martyria

Martyria (mar-tir’-i-a): Confirming something by referring to one’s own experience.

She keeps referring to her 35 years of experience as a reason to vote for her. Well, I have experience too, and what’s more, I learned something from it–how to bring people together, inspire confidence, and make lasting positive change.

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).