Category Archives: asphalia

Asphalia

Asphalia (as-fay’-li-a): Offering oneself as a guarantee, usually for another.


I can’t tell you how much I care for Little Louie. We’ve been to hell together. I got back before Louie, but he told me he learned some lessons. I don’t know what that means, but I’m sure it wasn’t the three R’s. It was probably the three L’s—Loyalty, Liquor, and Ladies.

And you know me: I’ve been a part of this racket since I was twelve. I just had my 40th birthday, and I’ve never let anybody down. I was shot on four different occasions. I spent two years in prison. I never squealed on nobody. Remember the FEDs? They were real bastards, but I kept my mouth shut. My loyalty to this organization can’t be questioned. It’s in my soul. We all have this tattoo of a goose on our right butt cheek. It means the world to me.

You caught Little Louie selling product he stole from us to the competition. Now, you want to chop off his hand. If you will back it down to two or three fingers, I promise he will never never steal from us again. If he does steal again, you can take my hand with our Justice Cleaver, which, by the way, was a gift my father gave us when he retired. Let’s give Little Louie a chance to go through life with two fingers and a thumb. I put myself up as a guarantee that he’ll never make that left turn again. Settled? Ok! Good. Let’s get ready to ambush and shoot the shit out of those goddamn Colombians! Where the hell is Little Louie?

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Paper and Kindle versions of The Daily Trope are available from Amazon under the title The Book of Tropes.

Asphalia

Asphalia (as-fay’-li-a): Offering oneself as a guarantee, usually for another.


You know me: Johnny Limbo. My motto is “How low can you go?” That’s what I ask my clients before I loan them money & we’re not talking about interest rates. Mike, here, will do anything to get a few bucks from me to support his La Bonnotte Potato habit. At $320 per pound you gotta have the money. Mike knows what he likes.

Sometimes it takes a little ‘prodding’ to get my loan payment from Mike, but he hasn’t left town or tried to kill me. That stub where his left pinky used to be shows what he’ll go through to keep his promises.

Extremely trustworthy. Kind of cautious. Got the eyes of a Potato. Ha! Ha! That was a joke.

Bottom line: Mike needs a job. You give him a job and I’ll make sure he takes care of business—mine and yours. Since he’ll be using his hands for work, I’ll start focusing my disciplinary measures on his feet.

Remember, this is Johnny Limbo vouching for Mike. My word is like a gun aimed at your head.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Paper and Kindle versions of The Daily Trope are available from Amazon under the title The Book of Tropes.

Asphalia

Asphalia (as-fay’-li-a): Offering oneself as a guarantee, usually for another.


I have been a fry-cook for 22 years. I’ve flipped more burgers than any single McDonalds, Burger King, or Wendy’s. Ok, that’s an exaggeration, but it is close to true. I taught Elrond, my son, all he knows, and I believe his prowess as a fry-cook surpasses mine. In addition to burgers, he can do omelettes and steaks, and oysters, and much, much more. Additionally, Elrond is easy-going and gets along well with other people.

I hope you would consider him for the fry-cook position that just opened. I will mentor him and see to it that he does well. I’ve been working here for the past 9 years. I know I’ve earned your trust. If Elrond does not work out, I’ll resign. I am confident that won’t happen, but I swear I will leave.

See you later!


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).


Paper and Kindle versions of The Daily Trope are available from Amazon under the title The Book of Tropes.

Asphalia

Asphalia (as-fay’-li-a): Offering oneself as a guarantee, usually for another.

To Whom It May Concern:

I can vouch for my nephew Sid. On the surface he looks like a dishonest, violent, reprobate. Those things that he’s done are completely out of character! I know Sid and he would have a good reason for “beating up” his girlfriend–we don’t have to know anything more than what he’s told us and one thing’s for sure Sid’s not a liar.  He’s pretty small and self-defense seems like a reasonable motive–somehow the little guy won the round this time. He must’ve figured out some winning boxing moves.

In short, Sid is a good boy.

As you probably know, I am writing this from my cell at Ossining. So, you know I have nothing to gain by lying, as I have been completely reformed and helping my nephew out of a scrape will never count toward my parole.

If I’m wrong about Sid, add another 10 years to my sentence! I (a beacon of good behavior) stand behind Sid 1,000 percent. Trust me! I wouldn’t con you!

Yours truly,

Ponzi

Ponzi McDough

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Asphalia

Asphalia (as-fay’-li-a): Offering oneself as a guarantee, usually for another.

This is a small hiccup in a long and lustrous political career. Throughout his political career he has never had a misstep, or had to face the sort of humiliation he’s being made to face by certain Congressional operatives–Democrat and Republican–with this Russia thing.

If anything, I can vouch for Sen. Sessions.  He’s not going anywhere, despite the recusal. You can come after me if he disappears!

Right before the hearings begin, I’m going to send him to Palm Beach for memory restoration–that’s all we’re going to do–send him to Palm Beach. It’s great there, I promise–it’s great, wonderful, great! He will be well prepared. Believe me.

  • Post your own asphalia on the “Comments” page!

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Asphalia

Asphalia (as-fay’-li-a): Offering oneself as a guarantee, usually for another.

Jeez! He’s just a kid! If you have to blame somebody, blame me. But please, leave my little brother alone. I’ll get your Glock back from him and ground him for 10 years! He’s too stupid to take the blame. I’ll take the hit.

  • Post your own asphalia on the “Comments” page!

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

 

Asphalia

Asphalia (as-fay’-li-a): Offering oneself as a guarantee, usually for another.

If my brother can’t come through for you, take it out on me–he’s too young and too idealistic to take that kind of hit.

  • Post your own asphalia on the “Comments” page!

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).