Bomphiologia (bom-phi-o-lo’-gi-a): Exaggeration done in a self-aggrandizing manner, as a braggart.
When I played basketball, I could jump 50 feet straight up. I bumped my head on the roof of the gym and shot thousands of baskets. If you don’t believe me, look at the dents in the gym ceiling. I was the champion of Bunn High. I could’ve played professional basketball, but I helped needy people instead.
When I tell people about my basketball career, they say “Bullshit.” That’s their loss—they could be basking in the glow of a champion.
When I went to work at the homeless shelter, it wasn’t named that. It was called “Loser Housing.” I renamed it “Homeless Shelter” and now it is the standard name for loser housing. It puts a positive spin on living with roaches, no heat, and faulty plumbing. I am quite proud of myself.
A typical day for me is about helping these people find a better life for them and their families. Just last Monday I did minor surgery on a toddler with an extra toe. It was painful for her. The vodka helped, and my Swiss Army Knife cut through the bone like it was a piece of wire.
The parents were extremely grateful. They don’t have to buy expensive orthopedic shoes for their daughter any more, and she can follow her dream to become a ballet dancer.
My pet chickens give a big “beaks up” to my charitable work at the homeless shelter. When they see me they flock around me expressing their love and admiration. I’ve trained them to flap one wing and spin around singing a “buck, buck, ba dawkit” version of “Strangers in the Night.” It took me a year to train them using corn and worms to get their respect and feel rewarded. I’m thinking of making a Tick Tock recording as the world’s greatest animal trainer. KFC has already contacted me.
My chicken Barbara may have laid the world’s biggest egg. It weighs nearly nine pounds. It is a shame she sacrificed her life for the egg. She exploded in her nest box. We’re all looking forward to seeing what hatches. Maybe it’s a dinosaur! Ha! Ha!
Right now, I’m in the process of making a giant ball out of rubber bands. Soon, it will be too big to take any more rubber bands. When that happens, I’m going to drop it off the roof of my apartment building to see how high it bounces.
POSTSCRIPT
His bragging days are over. His rubber band ball landed on a man in a wheelchair and killed him, and then bounced out into the street and caused a major traffic accident.
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu.
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