Comprobatio (com-pro-ba’-ti-o): Approving and commending a virtue, especially in the hearers.
Life is always more complicated than we want it to be. You are my sheep. My flock. My ensemble of groveling dupes, perfectly situated for exploitation—even as I say it, I know you don’t know what it means, and you’ll do anything I tell you to do. If I had enough red Kool-Aid I could prove it right now. I would put on my special Jimmy J. Sunglasses, tell you to drink, and you’d flop down on the floor, gone to meet your maker.
But we’re not here to test your loyalty to me and your faith in the Big Guy upstairs, rather, we are here to exploit your virtuous desire to do my will in other aspects of our lives. Your pliancy is admirable. Your collective idolization of me is surely the will of God. As long as you take these little pink pills, you will follow, enlightened zombies stumbling along the path to salvation. Please, keep your robes on! Today, we have more important thing to do.
Tomorrow, collectively, by our power and glory, and in the fullness of time provided by Sunday morning, together, all 205 of us will swarm Wal-Mart! We shall remove Satan’s playthings, load them on the trucks waiting outside, and bring them back here to be sorted and sold to sinners on EBay. We will have a modest triumph over Satan, temporarily depriving him of income. You may rightfully ask:
“What will we do with the proceeds gathered from the swarming to further our collective journey on our spiritual path?” Yea, I say unto thee, I have heard the lord’s voice, and he has said: “Build a giant hot tub in the basement Pastor Blotch, and fill it with love.”
Upon hearing this command, I prostrated myself on the floor and sister Louise joined me, and together, we showed our passionate desire to comply, as we rolled about uttering cries of thanksgiving, truly possessed by the divine spirit.
As we swarm WalMart tomorrow, fill your shopping carts and dump them outside by the waiting trucks as fast as you can. Think of the hot tub and the sustenance it will provide here on earth to your carnal body and how it will teach your soul patience as it awaits eternal life. May your virtue prompt you as you do his will. Be compliant. Be unquestioning. Be dutiful. Be swift. Now, go and prepare yourselves to meet Satan’s imps at WalMart and vanquish them with faith-based robbery. May your shopping carts overflow and your harvest be abundant.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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