Brachylogia (brach-y-lo’-gi-a): The absence of conjunctions between single words. Compare asyndeton. The effect of brachylogia is a broken, hurried delivery.
Up, down, over, under, sideways, backwards, forward, in between. Directions—all different ways of going, but straight. Straight is the boring way, the legal way. But, I am crooked, a “bent copper” as they say in the UK. I’ve been on the force for 20 years, and I manage to do a bad deed nearly every month. This month, I did traffic tickets for pay. The rubes paid the fine on the spot, or from an ATM, avoiding getting a ticket. The rubes love it—it keeps their insurance rates down, and keeps them out of court. A favorite of mine is picking stuff up from loading docks that’s been left for me. In exchange, I keep quiet about their fencing stolen goods. Last week I snagged a 72” flat screen! But this might change.
I have been assigned a partner. Clarence is 22 and just graduated from the police academy. His head is full of bullshit about being a moral and vigilant cop. He is slowing me down. Yesterday, I was supposed to pick up ransom in exchange for the cat I had kidnapped. Clarence got in the car and starts sneezing his ass off. Guess what? I had to take the cat home and skip the ransom pick up. I told Clarence I would take the cat home and reschedule the visit to the vet. He told me he knew what I was up to: I loved spending quality time with my cat and that he was like that too. What a goddamn dork. I had to get rid of him: get him relieved of duty as my partner, or kill him.
So, I peed on the driver’s seat of our patrol car. Clarence jumped in and landed in the warm puddle. He squirmed around and started the car. I said, “Wait! What’s that smell? Did you pee yourself?” “I think so,” he said. “I need to change my pants.” I did this for a week and Clarence was eventually relieved of duty for incontinence. I went back to “work” accenting my police work with crime.
I bumped into Clarence in a topless bar where I’d gone to collect my weekly take. Clarence waved at me and hoisted up a beer in my direction. He motioned at me to come over. I was ready for him to curse me out for what I had done. Instead, he had a big smile and shook my hand saying “Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you!” All I could think was “WTF?” Clarence told me: “I knew what your were up to. I heard about the cat napping. When there was pee on the seat, I knew it was you, trying to get rid of me. I played along and was indefinitely suspended on medical leave with full pay. What a deal! So, thanks! I owe you. I will never tell your bent secrets. You’re my role model!”
God, now I did have to kill him. He knew too damn much about my corrupt policing practices.. On the other hand, he idolized me. I still had the kidnapped cat. I would test him by having him return it , even though he was on medical leave, and collect the ransom money for me. The next day the headlines read: “Rookie Patrolman Recovers Missing Cat.” This could be a problem. I loaded my .45 and went to pay Clarence a surprise visit.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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