Adynaton (a-dyn’-a-ton): A declaration of impossibility, usually in terms of an exaggerated comparison. Sometimes, the expression of the impossibility of expression.
Dad: That’s like asking for your Uncle Bill to be normal or a roll of toilet paper to answer your questions about the meaning of life. I know you aspire to be in a circus sideshow, but you can’t grow a third leg out of your butt, like a tail. We might be able to get you an 11th finger, but that’s not much of an oddity. It probably wouldn’t get you a place in a side show. You could get your body covered with tattoos. It would be fun deciding what to put on you. My first choice would be my face on your forehead. It would symbolize the fact that I’m your mentor—tattooed over your frontal lobe. We could put Mom on your chest, life sized. Inking her head over your heart says it all—what a great Mother’s Day gift! Beyond me and mom’s images, it would be up to you to fill in your body with meaning.
Son: Dad, that would hurt like hell. Tattoos are not for me. Maybe I could swallow swords. Remember when I swallowed my cereal spoon when I was a toddler? You freaked out and I had to pull it out. I had strained beets all over my face. Maybe I could swallow barbecue skewers or hedge clippers to give my show some pizazz. I could do a yardstick and a mop-handle too. I could be “Johnny Swallow.” I could combine my act with fire eating—I could down a flaming yardstick or baseball bat!
Dad: That’s all fine and good, but it’s like walking backwards with your eyes closed against the light at a busy intersection during rush hour. Get my drift? Hopefully it’ll take you safely to shore. Let’s talk about something else, like Uncle Bill’s pending visit for Christmas.
Son: Oh, come on Dad. We both know that Uncle Bill’s the most bizarre person we know. Just because he’s Mom’s brother, we let him within ten miles of our front door. Getting dropped off by an ambulance from “State Home” is a sure sign he’s off. The guy that walks him to the door has him attached to a harness and you have to sign paperwork before he’ll hand over the leash. Uncle Bill jumps up and down and yells “Poo-Poo” and comes inside and rubs his butt on the TV screen. You had a ring installed on the living room wall so you could tether Uncle Bill to spend quality time with the family when we watch TV. Last year, he got loose and ate a fair amount of the Christmas tree when we were all sleeping. The trip to the Emergency Room was a nightmare. Let’s just say, hospital security caught and restrained Uncle Bill minutes before he was going to give a random patient a nose job with a bone saw. What’s our plan this year, Dad?
Dad: Shackles, handcuffs, and the tether too. I’m trying to get Uncle Bill’s doctor to increase his medication’s dosage, and give him handfuls of THC gummies. It’s a shame because Uncle Bill has a beautiful singing voice. He sounds like Bruce Springsteen. His cappella version of “Born in the USA” would make you cry. He was 20 years old when he snapped while he was singing it on a subway in New York on his way to classes at NYU. If you could only know him as we did, you might be a little more charitable.
Son: I know Dad. He’s our flesh and blood.
POSTSCRIPT
Uncle Bill stood up in the living room and sang “Born in the USA” backwards and was cured. He finished college and is an AI programmer for Google.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.