Category Archives: ara

Ara (a’-ra): Cursing or expressing detest towards a person or thing for the evils they bring, or for inherent evil.

I hate everybody, and with good reason. Damn humanity! Screw all people! Eat shit featherless bipeds. Oh, and by the way, I’m human so I hate myself and mistrust myself. I mistrust my mistrust ad infinitum. I am wary of me and always think twice before doing anything I want to do. So, I do nothing. But, I learned the hard way, doing nothing is doing something. Like the time I was downtown shopping for a turtle at the pet store. I noticed the heat in one of the aquariums was turned up too high. The water was starting to boil and the fish were bouncing around in the bubbles. I was in a hurry, so I went straight to the turtle tank, scooped up a turtle, paid, and left. It was starting to smell like fish chowder as I went out the door. Just as I got out the door, I heard the proprietor yell “Oh my God! Those are my most expensive fish! I’ll kill the sadistic bastard who did this!” Although I didn’t turn up the heat, I was partially to blame for doing nothing about it. But, I don’t care.

I hate being apathetic. Apathy is my secret weapon, even though it’s the pathway to further self-loathing, regret, and isolation. I hate hating myself, but that does not make me like myself. At the same time, I hate the idea of killing myself, taking medication or joining a self-help group. My self-hatred manifests itself most palpably in my personal hygiene: I aim for bad breath as my signature hygiene statement. I think it is the most offensive body odor. I back it up by not washing my private parts. When I go to work at Carlisle’s Cheese Factory, some of my colleagues hold their noses when I walk by. I know it’s all in fun because the cheese factory smells worse than me, especially the Limburger Room, which is kept sealed off because of the Limburger’s stench, a stench I adore as resonant with the human condition.

Some old philosopher said “The people are a beast.” It might have been Ronald Reagan. It is true. We fight for everything, like beasts. Nothing belongs to everybody, except what nobody wants. The fights are metaphorical and literal. Greed motivates them: when two people want what’s only enough for one person, they fight for it (or buy it with superior wealth, gained from fighting elsewhere). Love, by the way, is a shared delusion that lasts until it’s put to the test by penury or some other misfortune. In love, you give up your autonomy—the one glimmer of happiness residing in our souls alongside being superior to other people. In short, love is a kind of mental illness.

Anyway, like I said I hate everybody, including myself. We’re all heartless scoundrels, and may not know it because we’ve never been faced with a pathetic charity case that deterred us from our greedy pursuit of everything of value to us; maybe donating $2.00 to the Hungry Children Cause, arguing that if thousands of people donate $2.00, it’ll add up to big bucks. But just imagine the hungry children lined up for their saltine with peanut butter and a cup of powdered milk.

Haha! I hate you. Damn you! You and everybody else. You’re no damn good. I’m no damn good. Get over it. Admit it. I did. I’m running for President.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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