Heterogenium (he’-ter-o-gen-i-um): Avoiding an issue by changing the subject to something different. Sometimes considered a vice.
Honey, you say I lied, but my dog Chrono is wagging his tail rapidly. If we could teach him to measure increments of time he would make an excellent metronome ticking and tocking musical beats. His tail is like a whip. When I’m wearing shorts and he gives me a wag on the leg, ouch, it hurts! So, we must harness his wag power; put it to use for the good of humanity and the well-being of my household.
I pondered the wag. Chrono’s tail pointed in the wrong direction for stirring. But then, I realized I could make him a sling and turn him upside down over pots and pans and say “Good boy” and he would start wagging/stirring. After the sling was ready, we mounted him up over a pot of green pea soup, which was rather thick and needed vigorous stirring. I said “Good boy” and Chrono went at it. His tail hit the sides of the pan and made a ringing sound. Quickly, the soup was so well-stirred it became frothy.
I removed Chronos from his sling and poured a bowlful of pea soup for each of us. My wife was first to sample it, and she spit it out. “This tastes awful!” I tasted it and spit it out too. I had never tasted a dog’s tail, but the soup was suggestive of wet dog—of bath water left in the basin after a dog’s bath. Disgusting!
Why wife’s brother was “Inflato the Clown.” He was fairly famous around Toronto birthday circles. He could make a balloon into any shape—from pirate ships to tigers, or, apples to zebras. From certain activities I engage in with my wife, I got the idea of putting one Inflato’s balloons over Chrono’s tail, shielding whatever he was stirring from the taste of dog’s tail. Inflato had the perfect ballon. He used it to make wiener dogs, blimps, and torpedos
The balloon was easy to install: stick the tip of Chrono’s tail in the opening at the end, roll the balloon up Chrono’s tail, secure it with a wire twisty. Voila! The soup is protected from the tail’s foul flavor. It was time to try it out. We put Chrono in his sling, affixed his balloon, and lowered his tail into the soup. I said “Good boy.” Nothing happened. I said it again. Nothing happened. I suspected why he would not wag, but I did not say anything. Instead, we put Chrono to work stirring non-edibles without his balloon, mostly washable paint and lithium grease. We’ve also taught Chrono to be a metronome which is a much more effective use of his wag than stirring.
We rigged him up with a ticktock generator and he works for a piano teacher right in our town. He sits on the piano, marking time, a skill he has learned through extensive operant conditioning: with dog biscuits, petting, and endless good boys.
Two days ago, I was listening to music and working on my lawnmower in my garage. Blue Oyster Cult’s “Burnin’ for You” came on the Bluetooth player. Chrono stood up, looked around, and started dancing. He circled, and dipped, and jumped and dragged his butt across the floor. I was stunned. I’ve hired a dance coach with the intention of putting Chrono on tik-Tok. He is a remarkable dog. I hope you’ve found Chrono’s “tail” entertaining.
After I told “Chrono’s Tail,” my wife forgot she had accused me of lying, and we went on with our happy life. Chrono wagged his tail.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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