Heterogenium (he’-ter-o-gen-i-um): Avoiding an issue by changing the subject to something different. Sometimes considered a vice.

You ask me why I “insist” on lying, lying, lying all the time. First it’s not true, and second, you are the one who’s lying.

The only things I do “all the time” are eat, sleep, poop, and urinate. And I don’t actually do those things all the time. I just do them every day, night, and morning.

Talking about eating, nothing beats a good meal (and a couple jumbo cups of Diet Coke) at great restaurants like MacDonald’s or KFC. Every time I eat a Big Mac with cheese, and a jumbo order of fries, I feel like I’m ascending to heaven—I can hear angels singing “Have a second order of fries.” And KFC! The 16 piece meal, including 4 large sides and 8 biscuits, supposedly feeds 8. I can put it away with a couple of Diet Cokes in five minutes. That’s no lie, ask Melania.

I have to pretty much take her by gunpoint to my fast food favorites. She says they smell like Slovenia and remind her of the unpleasant things she had to endure to settle in America. By the way, I wish people would leave her alone about the beautiful garden she made at the White House. The rumors that the flowers keep uprooting themselves and dying—committing suicide—rather than remaining planted in the garden, are hard for us the live with. We cry together watching the FOX News reports about all the dead plants. Melania thinks it is Democrat-trained groundhogs, possibly equipped with military grade stealth technology, making them invisible. She says they probably have battery-powered chips in the backs of their fat little necks that send vision-blocking rays at our eyeballs.

Anyway, I’m glad I could be here today. I enjoy talking about myself, and also, about my perfect wife. See you at the voting booth in 2024. Help Make America Great Again, again—with Rudy, the My Pillow Guy, newly implemented voting restrictions, and all the wonderful militias, we can do it!

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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