Category Archives: hysterologia

Hysterologia

Hysterologia (his-ter-o-lo’-gi-a): A form of hyperbaton or parenthesis in which one interposes a phrase between a preposition and its object. Also, a synonym for hysteron proteron.


I was in India for the fist time. I am a salesman, not quite door to door, but close. I sell a chewable drug called “Faster!” It it popular with manufactures who want to influence workers’ nimbleness and manual dexterity, moving their hands rapidly to assemble whatever it is they are assembling. The faster they move, the more product is made in a shorter period of time. Workers dosed with Faster! have been shown to increase their output by 12-18% over peers not taking Faster! The laws are so lax here, and corruption so rampant, that it is permissible to lace workers’ food or beverages with Faster! without their knowledge. The company I am meeting with today manufactures bondage balls and small three-function flashlights. Their name is Gagflash Products Ltd. The CEO is taking me on a tour of the plant, with a special emphasis on their quality control operation. I’ve seen videos of their bondage ball testing on BDSM internet sites—including the premier site titled “Owy,” and, of course, “Belt, Welt, and Candle,” the very first BDSM site on the internet..

It was early in the morning but it was steamy hot already. It was 8.00am and I needed a cold beer already to lower my temperature and make me feel a little better. I guzzled my beer like a schoolboy, and had two more for good measure. The hotel doorman motioned that my cab had arrived. I was feeling no pain. My driver held the cab’s door open for me and I jumped in. Off we went. We rode for about ten minutes when I realized I hadn’t told him where I was going. I asked him if he knew the way to Bombay. He said “Yes, Mumbai.” I said, “No, Bombay.” He said, “Yes, yes. Mumbai, Mumbai.” I said, “Let me out you idiot. I’ll find somebody else to drive me.” I was feeling no pain. He said, “Sir this is very dangerous here.” I said, “Look, I grew up in Newark, New Jersey. Stop the goddamn cab and let me out.” I got out. The cab took off. I tripped on the sidewalk and nearly fell down. I pulled out my phone to call the hotel to have them send me another cab, but there was no cellphone service. I went up to a guy to see if he knew where I could find a phone. He reached out and dropped a small snake down my shirt and motioned like he wanted to box or wrestle. Luckily, my shirt was untucked and the snake slid down and out the bottom of it. It hit the ground, and then, slithered up the guy’s pant leg. The guy put away his fighting pose, pulled a cellphone from his pocket and waved it over his head, taunting me as he walked away.

Now I heard some dirge-like singing. I saw five men in a circle coming toward me. They were wearing American football helmets painted pink and decorated with images of striped hyenas. They were dressed in see-through togas and Gucci loafers. I didn’t know whether to laugh or run. Unfortunately, I laughed. As they came closer, they opened their circle and scooped me up, closed the circle, and kept on going and chanting. I tried, but I couldn’t escape from the circle. We stopped in front of a wall with a gate. There was a poster picture of Jerry Lewis affixed to the gate. The gate opened. We went inside. There was a little man who was, despite the heat, sitting on a giant couch in a a yellow onesie with blue cuffs. He took a look at me and said to the circle of men “He’ll do.” I asked what was going on and got no answer. I looked around. There were cheap plaster faces of terrified-looking men lining the wall. The little man said, “Soon you will become the final face, completing the pantheon of WOES arrayed on the Wall of Desolation devoted to The Great Bummer. Go take a bath and prepare yourself.” As I was led to the bath I noticed a bucket of plaster of paris. Then it hit me: My face would be pushed into the bucket. I was going to drown. I was going to die. Then, I heard a commotion and yelling. It sounded like my cab driver! He burst into the bath with an AK-47 ready to make some woe of his own. We fled back to the cab and took off. “Why did you come back?” I asked. He told me he felt very bad for dropping me where he knew I would have trouble. He wanted to make amends. I asked him how he found me. He told me the crazy snake man who I had encountered saw the cult members take me away, and told him where the cult’s headquarters was. My cab driver pulled his AK-47 from under the cab’s seat, broke through the gate, and saved me.

I thanked him profusely and told him I would buy clothes for myself and give him a $25 reward when we got to Bombay. He said, “Oh that is wonderful. Yes, yes, yes! When we get to Mumbai!”


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Hysterologia

Hysterologia (his-ter-o-lo’-gi-a): A form of hyperbaton or parenthesis in which one interposes a phrase between a preposition and its object. Also, a synonym for hysteron proteron.


I went, like a bat out of hell, down the rocky hill, rolling like a golf ball to the bottom. It was the only way to get my wallet after I threw it in disgust into the ravine. I had tried to buy a nose hair trimmer on Amazon on my phone and it told me my credit card was no good. I had broken my trimmer on the tangle of fur growing out of my nose. One of the side effects of my anti-tremor medication was to induce nose-hair growth. If I didn’t get a new trimmer, my nose hairs would grow down to my chin before I knew it, and I would have to hide in my house again.

I picked the battered piece of leather, previously called my wallet, up from the ground and climbed up the rocky hillside, back to my car. I got in and looked in the rearview mirror. The nose hair was touching my upper lip. I started the car and headed for home. I was in a hurry and was speeding. Suddenly, I heard a siren behind me. I pulled over and took out my license and grabbed my insurance card and registration from the glove box. The police officer walked up to my car and I rolled down the window. She shined her flashlight in my face and started to laugh, “What the heck is up with your nose hair?” I told her and she asked if she could touch it. I thought it was highly inappropriate, but maybe it would get me out of a ticket. She reached in the window and gave it a gentle tug. It felt good having somebody else touch it. She told me she wasn’t going to give me a ticket because I already had enough to contend with. I was about roll up the window when she handed me a card and told me if I needed any help with my nose to give her a call.

I pulled back on the highway stunned. She was attracted to my wild nose hair. I couldn’t wait to call her and ask her to buy me a trimmer and come over to my house and give me some help.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99. A Kindle edition is available for $5.99.

Hysterologia

Hysterologia (his-ter-o-lo’-gi-a): A form of hyperbaton or parenthesis in which one interposes a phrase between a preposition and its object. Also, a synonym for hysteron proteron.


I flew over —my feet were cold—the snow-white tundra. What had started as a spring break dare 50 years ago had ended with my transformation into an Arctic Man Bird. Yes, as unbelievable as it sounds, that’s what I am. I have talons—they’re huge—protruding from my fingertips, making it difficult to write this account of my life’s adventures as a bird. I never recorded my experiences before because I was fearful somebody would hunt me down and blow me out of the sky. But I am old now. I will die soon anyway. I never found a mate. I never had and any progeny. My remains will be found in a block of ice, if at all. Scientists will argue, Nobel Prizes will be won.

Wait!

A soft shrieking fills the air. A winged shadow appears at my cave’s opening. It is an Arctic Woman Bird. She lands. She gleams. I love her. “You are old enough now to give me a little chick. Our age difference is necessary to assure a successful mating. After we mate, I will stay with you and help raise our chick” She said.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99. A Kindle edition is available for $5.99.

Hysterologia

Hysterologia (his-ter-o-lo’-gi-a): A form of hyperbaton or parenthesis in which one interposes a phrase between a preposition and its object.  Also, a synonym for hysteron proteron.

I went over–flying like a mangled frisbee–the huge bump in the road called Thrill Hill. I must’ve lifted three feet off the pavement. Sparks flew from the car’s rocker panels when I landed. I immediately turned the car around to have another go. I was under–the stakes were high–no illusions that I might wreck my car or get arrested, or something worse. But I was an inveterate thrill seeker. It ran in my family. It was in my blood.

That’s when I saw her standing by the side of the road waving a flashlight back and forth, beckoning me to take another run over Thrill Hill. She was almost transparent with golden hair. She was wearing what looked like a veil made into a dress. Her lips were red and were dripping red. “Oh my God!” I yelled, “It’s the Fury of the Hill beckoning me to my death.”

I took her challenge, and I wouldn’t be writing this if I had died.  No sir. I am slightly transparent now and wear overhauls made from a veil. I help the fury. I put, for the sake of safety, new batteries in the flashlight every night. I also do our laundry, which isn’t much. Also, I tidy up after she eats her latest unfortunate victim(s).  She tells me that someday I’ll get to wave the flashlight. Until then, I am quite satisfied with the way things are.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99. A Kindle edition is available for $5.99.

Hysterologia

Hysterologia (his-ter-o-lo’-gi-a): A form of hyperbaton or parenthesis in which one interposes a phrase between a preposition and its object.  Also, a synonym for hysteron proteron.

I was too far beyond my comfort zone, under the frosty ocean water. I could feel the water pressure on my ears. It was hard to breathe through the breathing equipment. It was nearly dark. The current was strong. The seaweed was thick–twisted waving dark brown vines growing up from the seabed.

This was my first dive but my friend Edward had assured me I would be ok–but I wasn’t ok. Where is Edward? Where is Edward?

I’ve got to get out of here!

My instincts tell me to swim toward the light, but Edward had said something about the “bends”–something about rising to the surface too quickly.

Where is Edward? Where the hell is Edward?

I begin swimming slowly toward the surface (although I’m not sure what “slowly” means in this context).

I’ll take the risk that “slow is slow” and when I see Edward on the surface, I think I will register my anger and disappointment with a suitably violent act–an act of physical violence–perhaps a punch or a kick.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99. A Kindle edition is available for $5.99.

Hysterologia

Hysterologia (his-ter-o-lo’-gi-a): A form of hyperbaton or parenthesis in which one interposes a phrase between a preposition and its object.  Also, a synonym for hysteron proteron.

I was in with bare feet the recycling bin. Luckily there was no broken glass so I was able to dance the “Ecology Dance” in celebration of Earth Day.

It was awesome. As I danced, I became an organic cucumber anxious to ‘go salad’ for a happy little vegetarian family or single mom living a terrible life in the filthy crime-ridden city. I would bring magical ‘cuke rays’ to dispel her darkness, and allowing myself to be sliced up, become part of her fresh, safe, and healthy salad.

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Hysterologia

Hysterologia (his-ter-o-lo’-gi-a): A form of hyperbaton or parenthesis in which one interposes a phrase between a preposition and its object.  Also, a synonym for hysteron proteron.

I made my way through (although my head was spinning) the dimly lit corridor. I could hear the clicking of high heels ahead of me. It had to be her. “Mommy” I yelled. No response. Then, I heard another clicking sound, but this time it wasn’t high heels. Dizzy and disoriented in the near-darkness as I was, I could recognize that sound anywhere! It was Mommy’s false teeth chattering–those cheap teeth she bought on our trip to Hong Kong ten years ago.

It was music to my ears.

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Hysterologia

Hysterologia (his-ter-o-lo’-gi-a): A form of hyperbaton or parenthesis in which one interposes a phrase between a preposition and its object.  Also, a synonym for hysteron proteron.

We climbed up and over (despite the rain and falling rocks) the steep canyon wall so we could reach the tomb ahead of the band of looters who took the lazy trail about six miles up the canyon. We would get there first. We would save the sacred site and, with luck, capture the craven thieves.

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).