Category Archives: perclusio

Perclusio

Perclusio (per-clu’-si-o): A threat against someone, or something.


“If you don’t pay up, I’m gonna eat your eyeballs with a dull fork while you’re still alive.” That threat was one of my best. I’ve been in the threat-writing business for 12 years helping gangsters and other disgruntled people scare the shit out of other people—rival gang members, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, potential heirs, lovers, police, and for the psychopaths, random innocent strangers. My threat-writing business is called “Say Your Prayers.” Business had always been good.

Now, somebody was threatening me. I had no idea who it could be, although I was pretty sure I new why. By my count, I had contributed to viciously threatening 2,300 people and my clients had never failed to achieve capitulation—they always got their way. It was a disgusting way to make a living, but it made me wealthy, with death threats being my biggest seller. I had to find out if the person threatening me was serious. The person was using the plain prose direct threat strategy: “I’m going to kill you.” Usually, a good threat includes the contingency: “if” along with “you do” or “you don’t” where the threat is being used as a motivational push in a desired direction as the key, as in the case of the death threat, to avoid death. But, “I’m going to kill you” provides no direction. It is a “pure threat” that leaves it up to the addressee to come up with a contingency.

This is not an easy task. Since I don’t know what I’ve done to “deserve” the threat, it is nearly impossible to come up with a plan. Usually, in cases like this the plan involves leaving town and going into hiding. And maybe, if I announced that I would pay a shitload of money to get off the hook, that might appeal to the intrinsic greed that is resident in all people, and only needs to be piqued by the offer. Then it dawned on me! I could write a counter-threat that would end this craziness.

I wracked my brain. The threat “I’m going to kill you” is so simplistic that it is hard to counter with anything but the standard “You’ll go to prison.” I gave it some more thought. Ah ha! I came up with “I’ll find out who you are and kill you first.” Then, I could back it up with reference to my vast network of information sources, my informants, the hitters, and ties to organized crime and the police. I texted my threat back to the encrypted number it had come from. Immediately, I got back “It is hopeless dead man.” How frustrating. It was time to go home and pack and go into hiding.

I opened the door and there was my maid in her cute little maid suit pointing a pistol at me. I was stunned. She had always been cheerful and polite. I liked her a lot—maybe too much. She was 19 and in the US illegally. She came from some country in eastern Europe that I had never heard of. Her name was Giselle. “Why do you want to kill me?” I asked, about to pee my pants. Giselle said: “You pay me bad. My boyfriend says I should shoot you. I am desperate to prove him my love.” Yeesh, I thought, this is beyond weird. I said, “Look, all you have to do is ask for a pay raise. That’s how it works in America. Death threats aren’t the way. Give me the gun.” She handed it over. Then, she gave me her boyfriend’s name and address. I made a phone call to Tony.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Preclusio

Perclusio (per-clu’-si-o): A threat against someone, or something.


A: If you don’t give me back my jar of pickles, I will kill you right here on the spot. I have a knife long enough to slice your aorta. I have a Glock I practiced with this morning. I have a piece of wire that will most likely cut off your head. I have a corkscrew that will screw into your ear. I have a hammer that will pound holes in your forehead. I have a straight razor that will slit your little size-15 throat. All my weapons are in my backpack. All I have to do is reach in and pull one out and then putting it to work trimming your mortality.

B: Jeez, your backpack must weigh a ton! It looks like you’ve got a sweatshirt stuffed in it, or maybe your little Teddy Bear. Ha ha. Anyway, what’s so important about these pickles? I can’t believe you would you would threaten to kill me over a stupid jar of pickles, or anything else.

A: These pickles are antique. My Great-Great-Grandmother made them for Union soldiers going off to battle. My ancestral cousin was one of those soldiers. He ended up being assigned to Headquarters and kept the pickles, which he considered a good luck charm. Eventually, the pickles were passed along to me, where I’ve taken care of them for 59 years. As you can see, they mean a lot to me. Please give them back.

B: ‘Please’? How cute. How polite. How full of shit. You’ll get your pickles back off the pavement dickweed. Unless—you want to buy them back. $50.00. Cheap.

A: Ok. My money’s in my backpack. I reached in and pulled out the first thing I got my hands on. I smashed him in the forehead, between the eyes, as hard as I could. The hammer went through his skull and lodged in his forehead. He started to crumple, but I caught the jar of pickles before it hit the pavement. This person was stupid. I told him my backpack was filled weapons, but he didn’t believe me and my ‘get the money’ ruse worked. I admit, I was lucky. It might have been the pickles.

This is the closest the family pickles had ever come to being destroyed. This guy had grabbed the pickle jar out of my hand when I was walking down the street. I vowed not to take the pickles for a walk ever again. I would keep them locked in their shrine on the mantle along with the urns, my model race cars, and the monthly bills.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99. Available in Kindle formate for $5.99.

Perclusio

Perclusio (per-clu’-si-o): A threat against someone, or something.


He: If you don’t get off your fat ass and start cooking dinner by the time I count to ten, we’re going to play the abusive husband game again.

He: Where the hell did you get that huge knife? Put it down dumbo. Ow damn—you cut my friggin’ pinkie off. Call 911! I’m bleeding!

He: What do you mean, you hate me and you’re calling the police? If you call the police, I’ll tell them you cut off my pinkie. You’ll be arrested and I’ll be sitting here with stitches and a bandage watching Wheel of Fortune with our neighbor’s wife.

He: What? I NEVER beat you. Prove it. Oh, the video on your phone. So what? How’d you get it on Facebook? Hmmm. Well, I’m screwed. Thanks. I’m outta here. It’s been hell knowing you.

She: Go! I was a normal person when I met you. Now, I hide in the shadows, fearful of your constant wrath. Go! Get out! Go find another victim. Or better yet, die. I’m going to get help and restore my soul.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99. Available in Kindle formate for $5.99.

Perclusio

Perclusio (per-clu’-si-o): A threat against someone, or something.

If you don’t start acting like a grown up world leader at these summit meetings, we’re going to make you stay at a youth hostel with the rest of the kids. Also, you will be required to wear short pants and go to bed by 21.30. Now, go sit in the corner over there and think about what you’ve done.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99. Available in Kindle formate for $5.99.

Perclusio

Perclusio (per-clu’-si-o): A threat against someone, or something.

Give me that screwdriver, or else! Do you get me? This garage is my garage! If you want to ‘borrow’ tools, just ask.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99.

Perclusio

Perclusio (per-clu’-si-o): A threat against someone, or something.

If you don’t get the delegates you need for the nomination, when you get to Cleveland you better get ready to hear the RNC floor chant: Better call Paul! Better call Paul!  Better call Paul!

But we know this Paul guy’s no dummy.  A little pressure applied in the right places will keep his answer on target.

I’m not saying we’re going to harvest anybody’s thumbs, I’m just saying Ryan better start saying, “Don’t call Paul!” “Paul doesn’t want to talk to you!” or his DC glory days are done forever.

If he wants a bright future: if he wants to keep pulling out plums, Pauly Porgy better call Georgy Porgy and find out how to be a good boy for the next five years.

So, panic not, we have a plan!

We’re here for you Teddy-Ready-Bear. Unfortunately, though, Trumpster’s ass is going to get a free pass off of you on this one. BUT: Have no fear, we’ve got one waiting for Mr. T-rump and it isn’t his favorite scotch or an Eastern European supermodel. It doesn’t go ‘boom’ either–it goes ‘bust’ as in collapse, fiasco, scandal, financial ruin.  Ha! Ha!

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Perclusio

Perclusio (per-clu’-si-o): A threat against someone, or something.

If you don’t stop yelling, I’m going to start yelling, and when I start yelling your head is going to explode.

  • Post your own perclusio on the “Comments” page!

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Perclusio

Perclusio (per-clu’-si-o): A threat against someone, or something.

If you don’t stop the political craziness in Washington, DC, we’re going to stop paying federal income tax.  We’re sick of shelling out money to pay for bickering boring bunglers blaming their way toward dystopia in buggies drawn by toadies, sycophants, and lickspittles wearing cocked hats, smelly wool suits, and manifest destiny flip-flops.

  • Post your own perclusio on the “Comments” page!

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Perclusio

Perclusio (per-clu’-si-o): A threat against someone, or something.

If you walk out now–when we need you more than ever–I will make sure that you never see the inside of this house again.

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).