Anacoenosis (an’-a-ko-en-os’-is): Asking the opinion or judgment of the judges or audience, usually implying their common interest with the speaker in the matter [and illustrating their communally-held ideals of truth, justice, goodness and beauty, for better and for worse].
Mayor: Who doesn’t think homelessness is criminal? I don’t mean that metaphorically. I mean crime, like illegal—yes! I didn’t expect a standing ovation for what I just said. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! I am humbled by our shared lack of compassion for our fellow human beings. A man without a home is a crime scene just as disturbing as a bank robbery, or a murder, or a lighted bag of dog poop on your front porch.
A man without a home is desperate and desperation should be criminalized— it is crime’s front door, unlocked, and wide open. If you are hungry and living in a cardboard box, you’re going to do horrible things: you may panhandle for thousands of dollars, you may shoplift a can of beans or sardines, or both, from your local grocery store. You may have to steal a plastic spoon and a can opener too, putting a dent in the grocery store’s profits, without which, they will pack up and leave town. Maybe you grab an apple and eat it in a back corner of the grocery store, leaving the core on the floor as you slink away. Intolerable!
But then, there is an abundance of deposit cans littering our streets and highways. The homeless man can walk the roadsides, bag them, and redeem them, creating a dependency on litter to sustain his life, encouraging bleeding heart liberals to toss cans out their car windows to “feed the homeless.” These people are breaking the law. I will devote significant resources to catching them, convicting them, and fining them and to eliminating the illegal infrastructure that gives homeless people false hope.
Once we criminalize homelessness, the homeless will have a home: a jail cell, with five or six colleagues to “learn their lesson from.” It could be Bible study, learning how to play chess, or other edifying games like Candyland. It’s not our job to nanny our jails. Whatever happens, happens. We just clean up the mess and don’t pry. We respect our prisoners’ autonomy no matter how disgusting they are and deserving of incarceration in a urine-smelling roach-infested cement cell.
So, who wants to criminalize homelessness? Show me your hands. Wo! It’s unanimous. Let us have the Rev. Hal Alleujah bless our decision, making it good no matter how bad it may look to non-believing demonic sulphur-smelling whores of Satan and Judas lovers.
Rev. Hal: Oh dear lord almighty sitting on your throne in heaven looking down on this vail of corruption and sinfulness and Satan’s playground where we play with His toys when we are alone at . . .
Mayor: Ok, that’s enough Rev. Hal. We get the point, and thank you for gracing us with prayer. Our police force is standing by to round up the homeless who are now officially breaking the law. If you want to have some fun, you might want to join the roundup. You will be issued a net.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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