Category Archives: aphaeresis

Apharesis

Aphaeresis (aph-aer’-e-sis): The omission of a syllable or letter at the beginning of a word. A kind of metaplasm.


‘oly moly! I am lost in space. I vaguely remember giving my teeth to a fat raccoon. What’s this? Oh hell! It’ a ransom note. I thought I ‘ad enough trouble with my divorce from devil woman and my affair with angel woman—a perfect polarity like hate and love, dark and light, idiot and genius., shit and Shinola. The marriage was 7 years of despair, vodka and ice, and getting fat. Bellini got so fat, I couldn’t tell whether she was smiling, or her underpants were chafing. When I asked, it was always the underpants. Then she’d ask me to help her get untangled. I’m not going to go into detail, but let me just say: It was like her underpants were alive. I had to stalk them and pounce catlike, quickly shoving both my hands under the crotch and pulling as hard as I could—I imagined I was a tow truck summoned by AAA to pull a car out of a ditch.

But the ransom note really worried me—it didn’t specify a ransom. It was signed Fat Raccoon, which I knew was some kind of joke: raccoons can’t write. But, I still needed my teeth! Just then, my neighbor came out of his house carrying a paper bag. “T’was me,” he said. “We we’re playing catch with your uppers when you passed out. So, I picked up your teeth and bagged ‘em. As far as ransom goes, I would like you to pay for my lawnmower’s gasoline for the next five years, play checkers with me once a week, and go for moonlight walks, weather permitting, whenever possible.”

Wow! I couldn’t believe how things were working out—an instant “Yes!” was forthcoming. My neighbor handed over my teeth. My cellphone rang. It was my girlfriend. She said: “He told me about your teeth. I’m too young to date a man with false teeth. Get dental implants and I might reconsider.” My gums were throbbing as my blood pressure rose. Next it’ll be Botox. Where will it end? Bellini and her tangled underpants were looking better and better.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print or Kindle version of The Daily Trope! They’re titled The Book of Tropes and are available on Amazon for $9.99 (or less).

Aphaeresis

Aphaeresis (aph-aer’-e-sis): The omission of a syllable or letter at the beginning of a word. A kind of metaplasm.


A: If an ant can’t do it, can an aunt? Ha ha! This is the kind of humor that makes the world go ‘round and maybe even go out of orbit. Ha ha! Then, we’d have to write its orbituary. Ha ha! Get it? Obituary/Orbituary? Ha ha!

B: Can you please shut up so I can finish filling out these divorce papers?

A: What? Since when are we getting a divorce?

B: Since I’ve been putting up with you and your stupid jokes for five terrible years.

A: Are you saying my jokes stink? Should I drain them down the sink? Ha ha! Get it? Stink/sink. Come on. You can crack a smile.

B: Crack a smile? I’ll crack your head if you don’t shut up.

A: You’re making Butch very mad. He wants you to apologize to me and tear up the divorce papers. He may be a dummy, but he does what I ask.

Butch-the-dummy: I am damn mad now, and it is no joke Mrs. Ratcar. Tear ‘em up Mrs. Ratcar.

B: Why don’t you climb back in your box, Butch, and take Mr. Ratcar with you?

(one half-hour later)

Knock on the Door: Is this where Henry Ratcar the comedian lives? We’re here to interview him for Entertainment Tonight for his upcoming special “Ratcar Comedy Live From Las Vegas.”

A: Yikes! I completely forgot! Come in. Never mind my wife. She took a sleeping pill and fell asleep in her chair. Please excuse the torn up papers on the floor—junk mail headed for the trash.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print or Kindle version of The Daily Trope! They’re titled The Book of Tropes and are available on Amazon for $9.99 (or less).

Aphaeresis

Aphaeresis (aph-aer’-e-sis): The omission of a syllable or letter at the beginning of a word. A kind of metaplasm.


I shot out the clip of my ‘andgun and threw it in the pond. No more guns for me. I don’t care if I can’t ‘fend myself like that kid in the grocery who fought off 10 innocent unarmed people with his AK. I’m being sarcastic. My heart is broken. We must ban assault weapons tomorrow.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print or Kindle version of The Daily Trope! They’re titled The Book of Tropes and are available on Amazon for $9.99 (or less).

Aphaeresis

Aphaeresis (aph-aer’-e-sis): The omission of a syllable or letter at the beginning of a word. A kind of metaplasm.

Everything was was comin’ ‘long just like we said it would. We had a pile ‘a sliced ‘tatoes ready for the frier, a couple ‘a pounds ‘a beef patties, a dozen buns, five cans ‘a baked beans, a case ‘a beer, and just for some needed balance, a pound ‘a cole slaw. Oh–we had a gallon ‘a ketchup too!

At 3.00 pm we’d be sitting ‘long each side of the dining room table enjoying our annual winter barbecue. Dad and Mom will be sitting at the ends ‘a the table–our dignified guests!

We can’t wait!

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print version of The Daily Trope! The print version is titled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99 (or less).

Aphaeresis

Aphaeresis (aph-aer’-e-sis): The omission of a syllable or letter at the beginning of a word. A kind of metaplasm.

‘Round, and ’round, and ’round she goes. Where she stops, I think I know: The MacDonald’s drive through on Erie Blvd. She loves those chocolate shakes, French fries, and quarter-pounders with cheese, and it’s just about dinner time.

Let’s go see if we can find ‘er. Maybe we can all eat together. That would be fun! Here we go!

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print version of The Daily Trope! The print version is titled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99 (or less).

Aphaeresis

Aphaeresis (aph-aer’-e-sis): The omission of a syllable or letter at the beginning of a word. A kind of metaplasm.

NOW! Move it! It’s time to do the Hokey Pokey and turn ourselves ’round! We all know that’s what it’s all about. Get whirling you wild dervishes!

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print version of The Daily Trope! The print version is titled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99 (or less).

Aphaeresis

Aphaeresis (aph-aer’-e-sis): The omission of a syllable or letter at the beginning of a word. A kind of metaplasm.

If you don’t ‘ear me, I can’t say much that’ll ‘fluence you! [ear for hear; fluence for influence]

Or:

Self-conceit ‘dores the looking glass when lights are low, and shadows ‘mooth the wrinkled truth, filling ruts of time. [dores for adores, mooth for smooth]

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Aphaeresis

Aphaeresis (aph-aer’-e-sis): The omission of a syllable or letter at the beginning of a word. A kind of metaplasm.

We had roasted Cornish ens for dinner last night. [ens for hens]

Or:

We cycled up the hill to the water tower to watch the sunset. [cycled for bicycled]

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).