Period: The periodic sentence, characterized by the suspension of the completion of sense until its end. This has been more possible and favored in Greek and Latin, languages already favoring the end position for the verb, but has been approximated in uninflected languages such as English. [This figure may also engender surprise or suspense–consequences of what Kenneth Burke views as ‘appeals’ of information.
There are many, many things I want to know. Like why do I have to wear a $1,500 suit to work? I can afford it. That’s not the problem. I work the meat counter at Hannaford. I am a butcher. I cut and slice, weigh and wrap, and produce a receipt that the customer shows when they check out. I wear a white coat splotched with blood and meat fragments. My boss tells me the suit shows respect for the dead animals we sell—mostly ground or cut up. He says it’s like a barnyard funeral. I thought he was crazy. I knew at some point I would rebel. He told me that we get our meat from a cult up in the hills outside of town. They slaughter the cows and lambs with AR-15s. The ten oldest men in the cult were expected to marry a cow and write poetry about the cow’s spiritual characteristics. The cult was called MABA (Make America Bovine Again).
As my boss told me MABA’s story without calling them a bunch of crazy bastards, I knew he was a cult member. The required suit was a MABA imperative. I asked, “What’ll happen to me if I don’t wear a suit, like other butchers at other grocery stores?” He said matter of factly, “You’ll turn into a cow, be shot in the head, and butchered.” Being the arrogant nit wit that I am, I challenged the rule. The next day I didn’t wear my suit.
When I stepped behind the counter I lost consciousness and woke up in MABA’s corral. I looked down. I had hooves. I didn’t have arms or hands. The cow next to me said “This is the end of the line. I’m hoping to end up at OutBack Steak House. What about you?” There was gunfire in the background. I yelled in despair and all that came out of my mouth was a hearty “Mooo.” Then, I saw my escape route out of there. There was a gate that was periodically opened when a MABA cowboy came into the corral or left it. My opportunity came, and I went full tilt for the opened gate. I knocked the cowboy down and breezed through the gate, down the hill, and off onto the open prairie. What would I do next? Maybe I could get a job at a dairy. I went to sleep. When I woke up, I was me again. I went home, put on my suit, and went to work.
With a knowing look, my boss welcomed me back. I said “Moooove over so I can reach my boning knife!” We both laughed, but I was planning on putting my knife across his throat and making him take his suit off.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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