Anthimeria (an-thi-mer’-i-a): Substitution of one part of speech for another (such as a noun used as a verb).
I’m a trucker. I truck my way along the highways and byways in the plush cab of my Peter-Built mobile. I just drive. I don’t ask what I’m carrying. I pick it up and drop it off. Sure, I have a bill of lading, but I ignore it. The company I drive for likes that, and I don’t care why. I’ve got six months before my resignation kicks in. I’ll miss the sights I’ve seen ridin’ the roads of America. Once I pulled over to take a whizz and stumbled across a group of people in a field. There was about 50 of them and they were tickling each other—rolling around, standing up, crawling through the dirt. They were dressed like panda bears, with different-colored pastel costumes. There was a lime-line circle drawn around them that they couldn’t overstep or they were out. A sweaty pink panda came up to me and asked if I wanted tickle. As far as I could see, that wasn’t permitted—we were outside the circle and I didn’t have a panda suit. She said “Good answer” and started tickling me. Her hands were like magic. They flowed over my body lie hot oatmeal. I laughed until I peed my pants. It took me an hour to find my truck. Luckily I carried a couple of changes of clothes. I was pulling on my clean pants when she popped up at the passenger-side window. She had removed her panda suit and she was beautiful. She said her name was Lolly and she needed a ride. She had a small carry-on bag and a black purse—that was it.
I let her in the truck and she slid over close to me. It felt good. We sang a few rounds of “Old MacDonald’s Farm” and she jumped out the truck window at 70 MPH. I threw her stuff out the window and kept driving. I have learned a long time ago not to get involved—especially in something like this. I needed coffee.
I pulled into the truck stop and there she was standing outside with her bags. I was shocked. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to walk past and ignore her. She pulled her panda suit out of her bag. She yelled: “You had your chance. We could’ve done the panda dance, you wimp! You chickened out!” Then, I noticed people were walking past like there was nothing there. There was nothing there! Then, I realized I had taken an extra dose of benzedrine to get through the night’s drive to Bakersfield. I never should’ve done it, but I did. The last time I did this, I started driving across the Pacific Ocean to Japan. When I snapped out of it, I was driving on Rte. 80 through the Delaware Water Gap. I shook it in a couple of hours, as the sun was coming up.
POSTSCRIPT
It’s lonely out there on the road. All you have is the asphalt ribbon stretching out in front of you and the hallucinations you induce when you snort a pile of speed every 2 or 3 truck stops. My heart longs for Panda Girl, but I know I can’t choose my hallucinations. Two days ago, I drove to Tacoma with a sloth hanging from my sun visor.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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