Alliteration (al-lit’-er-a’-tion): Repetition of the same letter or sound within nearby words. Most often, repeated initial consonants. Taken to an extreme alliteration becomes the stylistic vice of paroemion where nearly every word in a sentence begins with the same consonant.
Carl was a Cretin. Somewhere he had learned the Liar’s Paradox: All cretans are liars. As a Cretin claiming all Cretans are liars, was he telling the truth? Who knows. He wasn’t from Crete, he was just a Cretin. He was stupid and offensive. He had earned the Cretin title, testing everybody’s patience with his obnoxious character. He would swear at toddlers, kick puppies, and steal Social Security checks from elderly peoples’ mailboxes. Somehow, he managed to evade arrest and gloated when he cashed the checks at the bank. People would look at him with their mouths hanging open, but they didn’t do anything. Carl’s father was Mayor and had an iron grip on Tinker Town, named after the Tinkers from England who settled it in the late 17th century, making them among the first colonists of what would eventually become West Virginia. Most of then made and repaired tin cups and thimbles. They were known for donating tin cups to beggars. Their thimbles were revered. They had a cushioned lining, enabling sweatshop seamstresses to sew for 12-15 hours per day without discomfort. A the time, the thimble cushion was seen as a benevolent innovation that was sponsored by the church.
Anyway, Carl Cretin continued his criminal capers, waving his stolen checks each month when he took them to the bank. It seemed that his father was Mayor for life—covering Carl’s ass out of a sense of family loyalty. However, trouble was brewing on the horizon.
Tinker’s Social Security recipients had formed a “society” to combat Carl’s criminal ways. They all rented Post Office boxes at the Post Office. As a government facility, it was under the jurisdiction of the federal government—if Cretin tried to steal checks from the Post Office, he would be subject to arrest and a 25 year jail sentence.
Being completely stupid, Carl thought he was smart.
Carl immediately hatched a plan to rob the post office. He bought a battery-powered drill at Lowe’s, and a black balaclava at Dick’s Sporting Goods. Disguised as a robber, he would drill out the post office boxes’ locks and scoop out the checks. The post office boxes were located in a wing of the post office open 24-7. Carl planned to hit the post office at 3:00 am when there wouldn’t be anybody around. He thought “I’m a goddamn genius” as he opened the post office door and headed to the first post office box and started to drill.
Suddenly, a a bright light lit up and a vuvuzela started blowing loudly. There was an old man standing there. He had been appointed by Tinker Town’s Social Security recipients to watch over their post office boxes. His name was Clint and he had insomnia.
Carl ran out the door and tripped on the curb, knocking himself unconscious. He was plied with smelling salts, handcuffed, and driven away by federal agents never to be seen again. It is rumored that he changed his name, was pardoned, had plastic surgery, and was appointed FBI Director. We don’t believe the rumor for a minute. How could a Cretin be appointed FBI Director?
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu.
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