Tag Archives: paenismus

Paenismus

Paenismus (pai-nis’-mus): Expressing joy for blessings obtained or an evil avoided.


Another shitty tip. I broke my ass serving these people a three-course meal. I almost broke my arm with my one-handed carry of the 18 pound turkey. There they were: six slurping, slopping, chomping, back-of-the-arm wiping hogs. There was turkey and cranberry sauce on the floor, squash smeared on the tablecloth, garnished with blobs of chestnut stuffing. On top of it all, there was pumpkin pie filling rolled into little round balls, skewered by silverware. The bill for this mess? $650.00. My tip? $5.00. I went over into a dark corner and nearly cried.

I was hurt. I was angry, but I still felt blessed—blessed to have a job, and blessed to be living in the city I love. New York was alive with wonder, interesting things to do, a diverse population, great places to eat, and more. It was crazy expensive though. I lived in what my landlord called a “one-half bedroom” apartment. It had a fold-out bed, but the room was so small, the bed wouldn’t go down all the way. So I slept at a 45-degree angle. Once I got into bed, I had to stay there or the bed would slam back into the wall, and I’d have to go through the whole pulling down thing again. I had a hot plate and a mini-fridge from my college dorm. I had one chair, and for entertainment I listened to NPR streaming on my cellphone. I kept all my clothes in a cardboard box. As soon as I turned the lights out, the roaches came out. There was no food in my apartment. Maybe they just wanted to socialize. Their skittering and wing clicking mating sounds were annoying.

As the year went by, I started to get sick of New York. The breaking point was the roach that walked across my face in the middle of the night. I slapped my face so hard and so many times to kill it, that I had a welt the next morning. My sister in New Jersey invited me to stay with her for as long as I liked. I took a bus from Port Authority, carrying my clothes on my lap in their cardboard box. I left my hot plate and fridge behind. My brother-in-law Jan gave me a job in one of his 25 discount liquor stores. The chain was called “Gin Canal” after his Dutch heritage. He specialized in gin, of course. In spring, he would add tulips to his inventory, in memory of his father. I worked the 11:00 pm to 2:00 am shift, which was, I soon found out, prime robbery time. I was robbed at least once a month. My brother-in-law didn’t care. He told me he had a “subsidy” that covered his losses. I think the subsidy came from the counterfeit federal tax stamps we glued onto unstamped bottles on Sunday afternoons.

Then, one night while I was getting robbed again, I recognized the bastard: it was $5.00 tip man from back in my waiter days in New York. For one second, I wondered what the hell he was doing here. Then, I jumped over the counter and hit him on the head with a gallon jug of “Carlo Rossi Paisano.” He was out cold and covered in wine. I took off all his clothes and dragged him out into the street. When I got back inside, I went through his pockets. There was an ATM card in his wallet with the PIN number written on the back! I locked up Gin Canal and headed for the ATM around the corner. I figured my tip should’ve been $120.00. That’s what I withdrew. Then, I gave his ATM card to a homeless man who looked like he needed some money. I pointed out the PIN number and told him Santa Claus had come to town.

When I got back to Gin Canal I put the $5.00 tipper’s clothes in the gutter and burned them, alongside him. As I was cleaning up the wine and broken glass on the liquor store’s floor, I thought about all the cliches connecting to sowing and reaping, and Karma and all that stuff, and felt like Destiny had shown me the beauty of revenge.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Paenismus

Paenismus (pai-nis’-mus): Expressing joy for blessings obtained or an evil avoided.


I am so lucky! I’ve been cheating on my taxes ever since I started paying them and I have never been audited. That’s thousands and thousands of dollars in my pocket that are not paying for battleships, or anything else the government wastes money on, like mental health counseling. If you’re crazy, no amount of therapy is going to make you sane— you can get pills from your doctor that will straighten you out. CVS has tons of pills and your insurance will help pay for them, so, why does the government need your money?

What’s that? Uh oh. It’s a letter from the IRS: “Dear Mr. Cobb, due to your failure to pay the correct amount of taxes for the past twenty-five years, the IRS is authorized to take your youngest child and put her to work at Roy Rogers Roast Beef until such time as the debt is paid. She will be housed at the IRS Boarding House with other teenagers who have been hopelessly corrupted by their tax dodging parents. We will pick up your daughter on March 25 at 7.00 am. Please have her packed and ready to go. In the event you can get your hands on $350,000 (what you owe us with interest and penalties), leave it in a suitcase on your front porch. We will ring your doorbell when we’ve picked it up. Thank you for being a US citizen. Yours truly, IRS.”

I knew it would just be a matter of time. I was surprised I only owe $350,000. I’ll be leaving it on the front porch.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99.

Paenismus

Paenismus (pai-nis’-mus): Expressing joy for blessings obtained or an evil avoided.

Let the blessings continue to flow, and may they carry on after the July 4 recess.

During the recess, may the Senators ponder the American Health Care Act of 2017, hold their wives and their children close and imagine what a pile 10,000 dead bodies will look like–10,000 deaths caused by their support of the American Health Care Act of 2017.

Let us pray that their visit home will soften their hearts so that they may vote against the American Health Care Act of 2017.

In so doing great evil will be avoided and a great blessing will be obtained.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99.

Paenismus

Paenismus (pai-nis’-mus): Expressing joy for blessings obtained or an evil avoided.

Oh Botox! You maketh my brow to rise upward. You restoreth my visage. Yea, tho I walk in the shadow of the valley of wrinkles I feel pretty good.

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Paenismus

Paenismus (pai-nis’-mus): Expressing joy for blessings obtained or an evil avoided.

I am blessed: the drugstore is well-stocked with gallon-sized bottles of Malox. Now I’m ready to drink mint-flavored liquid chalk and ride out “Brinky Boehner and the Conserva-Nuts” cacophonus rendition of “Bye Bye American Pie.”

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Paenismus

Paenismus (pai-nis’-mus): Expressing joy for blessings obtained or an evil avoided.

I am so thankful that I made no moves in the stock market last week–I was ‘this close’ to selling! Close call!

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).