Paenismus (pai-nis’-mus): Expressing joy for blessings obtained or an evil avoided.

I am so lucky! I’ve been cheating on my taxes ever since I started paying them and I have never been audited. That’s thousands and thousands of dollars in my pocket that are not paying for battleships, or anything else the government wastes money on, like mental health counseling. If you’re crazy, no amount of therapy is going to make you sane— you can get pills from your doctor that will straighten you out. CVS has tons of pills and your insurance will help pay for them, so, why does the government need your money?

What’s that? Uh oh. It’s a letter from the IRS: “Dear Mr. Cobb, due to your failure to pay the correct amount of taxes for the past twenty-five years, the IRS is authorized to take your youngest child and put her to work at Roy Rogers Roast Beef until such time as the debt is paid. She will be housed at the IRS Boarding House with other teenagers who have been hopelessly corrupted by their tax dodging parents. We will pick up your daughter on March 25 at 7.00 am. Please have her packed and ready to go. In the event you can get your hands on $350,000 (what you owe us with interest and penalties), leave it in a suitcase on your front porch. We will ring your doorbell when we’ve picked it up. Thank you for being a US citizen. Yours truly, IRS.”

I knew it would just be a matter of time. I was surprised I only owe $350,000. I’ll be leaving it on the front porch.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (

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