Tag Archives: rhetoric

Traductio

Posted on January 22, 2022 | Comments Off on Traductio

Traductio (tra-duk’-ti-o): Repeating the same word variously throughout a sentence or thought. Some authorities restrict traductio further to mean repeating the same word but with a different meaning (see ploce, antanaclasis, and diaphora), or in a different form (polyptoton). If the repeated word occurs in parallel fashion at the beginnings of phrases or clauses, it becomes anaphora; at the endings of phrases or clauses, epistrophe.

My couch was spinning like a compass under a magnet. North, south, east, west over and over, not pausing, spinning, spinning, spinning. I had a crayon in each ear. My ears felt warm and alive. My ears were buzzing like the buzzer I used to have instead of a doorbell. I tried to stand up. I felt like an accordion. I collapsed back on the couch. The couch began to vibrate like a cheap coin operated motel bed. “The couch will be my tomb,” I thought as I faded into the big fat cushion. But, the deeper I sank, the better I felt. I pulled the crayons out of my ears, against the advice of my favorite FOX truth caster, Tucker Carlson, who was standing there, sort of hovering, with his arms crossed and a smug frat boy look on his face. Poof! No crayons, no Tucker. Why did I ever listen to him? I see now it was like taking advice from a talking urinal.

My dizziness was subsiding when my couch lifted about a foot off the floor. I gripped the cushion and we started to go higher. As we were about to slam into the ceiling, we melted through it, the attic, and the roof of the house. With no warning we swooped down and the couch dumped me on the front lawn. Then my couch took off, it broke the sound barrier, exploded, and burned up in a ball of fire, like a meteor entering the atmosphere.

I felt great sitting there on the lawn in my sweats. I knew I was done being hounded by Tucker Carlson and the terrible dizziness I experienced, and the stupid things I did, when I listened to him and believed what he said,

I started listening to NPR and everything started to make sense. I felt like I had been saved by my couch and my willingness to pull the crayons out of my ears.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Tricolon

Posted on January 21, 2022 | Comments Off on Tricolon

Tricolon (tri-co-lon): Three parallel elements of the same length occurring together in a series.

I wrestled with so many likelihoods every day that I was exhausted when I got home from work. I was cranky. I was klutzy. I was jammed. It is hard to synthesize these feelings into an integral whole denoting my end-of-day self. Definitely not positive. I was angry. I was dizzy. I was stuck. It was weird.

As I was thinking about my weird state of being, somebody started ringing our doorbell and pounding on the door. “Mr. Greengenes, I have an important message for you!” Pound, pound, pound. Ring, ring, ring. Why can’t this Bozo just call me or text me like everybody else? Why was he at the door? “I’ll get it honey,” said my wife. She opened the door. There was a whooshing sound and the doorbanger was there, standing in the middle of what looked like a sideways blue tornado! My wife backed off and hid under the kitchen table. I yelled “Holy shit” and stood my ground. The little green man took out a luminous paper-like sheet, smiled, and started to read:

“Mr. Greegenes, I am pleased to inform you, on behalf of the people of the planet Nooboo, that you have been voted the alien most likely to willingly be the main dish at our annual Badda Bing Festival. In return, your wife will receive $50,000,000 tax free, a 75” LG TV, a lifetime supply of Perrier, and an excellent replacement husband. Before I could say anything, my wife came running out of the kitchen yelling “Can you throw in a Rolls Royce?”

This was insane. There’s no way I want to be eaten by space aliens, let alone be betrayed by my wife. I yelled “No!” Everything went black. I awoke to the soft hum of the Noobooian space craft cutting through time and space. As far as I could see, there was no way to escape. Just then, the little green man climbed down from the flight deck. “Mr. Greengenes, I have a proposition.”

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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Abating

Posted on January 20, 2022 | Comments Off on Abating

Abating: English term for anesis: adding a concluding sentence that diminishes the effect of what has been said previously. The opposite of epitasis (the addition of a concluding sentence that merely emphasizes what has already been stated. A kind of amplification).

Your writing could fill a book! The book would be like a clogged toilet overflowing with excrement. If you want to write, write me a check for saving you from the ridicule you’ll be subject to by anybody who reads what you’ve written. What you’ve written is a projection of your insanity and befuddled imagination Mr. Verne. Where did you get the idea that the ocean is 20,000 leagues deep and you can float around under it in a boat? I would laugh, but it is too pitiful to deserve anything but scorn or pity. Why don’t you do something worthwhile with your life like sell used buggies or become a professional wrestler? Or, I can get you a job at the scythe factory—there’s a future for you there!

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Abbaser

Posted on January 19, 2022 | Comments Off on Abbaser

Abbaser [George] Puttenham’s English term for tapinosis. Also equivalent to meiosis: reference to something with a name disproportionately lesser than its nature (a kind of litotes: deliberate understatement, especially when expressing a thought by denying its opposite).

You’re no Albert Einstein, but you’re good enough to teach here at Ponzi University. You will be teaching mathematics, physics and horseback riding, three subjects that you not qualified to teach, but the Trustees want you to teach anyway. Given the quality of students we attract, nobody will be the wiser. Just don’t get anybody seriously injured or killed, unless you are told to: as we say, “Anything’s possible at Ponzi.” That covers us for liability and was made up by Billy Bar, one of our most devious alums who bribed his way through law school and paid a real law student to take his bar exam. When he took horseback riding, he never managed to mount a horse, let alone saddle it, and was permitted to draw a picture of My Little Pony to pass the course.

So, welcome to Ponzi University, one of the most successful scams in the history of higher education. Never forget: here at Ponzi, if you can fake it, you can make it. If you can’t, somebody might find you naked in a landfill, dismembered in a suitcase, or holding a sort of tenure, working for life on the janitorial staff.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

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This posting is available as a video on YouTube at Johnnie Anaphora.

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Abecedarian

Posted on January 18, 2022 | Comments Off on Abecedarian

Abecedarian (a-be-ce-da’-ri-an): An acrostic whose letters do not spell a word but follow the order (more or less) of the alphabet.

A black cat drove everybody fundamentally, gleefully, and hypermodernly, insane. Just kidding! Legally made null, obligations parted quietly, remaining stultified theatrics until victory wielded xenophobia’s yapping zillionaires.

The black cat sighed a barely audible meow, having had his magnificent antics reduced to a passing “just kidding” by the dumbass that feeds him, gives him treats, and cleans his rustic toilet box. The black cat’s grievances had been mounting since Christmas when he was given another light-flashing collar to add to the pile on the floor by his water dish. It was so embarrassing and frustrating to prowl around at night with a flashing blue beacon around his neck—it was worse than the bell on his daytime collar—he couldn’t get within 20 feet of a field mouse with the damn blue light flashing. He was sick of it.

The black cat had considered running away many times, but he always decided not to. At the last minute he would jump up on dumbass’s lap and purr, and dumbass would scratch the black cat behind his ears.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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Accismus

Posted on January 17, 2022 | Comments Off on Accismus

Accismus (ak-iz’-mus): A feigned refusal of that which is earnestly desired.

Oh, come on. I don’t deserve another cashmere sweater! I know it’s my birthday, but those sweaters are really expensive. Besides my cashmere sweater collection is huge and includes nearly all the available colors at Cashmere Corral—the only place I shop for cashmere sweaters. Just to let you know, my missing colors are Pothole Brown, Type A Red, and Mr. Blue. All X-Large pullovers with v-necks. But again, what did I do to deserve one? Helping you remodel your kitchen, I did as a favor. Giving you a ride to work every day is just something a friend does. Beating up your Ex was no big deal. I’m just glad he took off and will never come back. He was a real bastard. Anyway, let’s forget about this sweater thing.

Hey! What’re you doing? Oh—I can see—you’re logging on to Cashmere Corral. Ok Ok. You wore me down. Go ahead and buy me the Pothole Brown. I don’t deserve it, but I’ll like it a whole lot.

By the way, even though it’s probably not possible, we were talking about a 70” TV the other day. I was wondering. . . .

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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Acervatio

Posted on January 16, 2022 | Comments Off on Acervatio

Acervatio (ak-er-va’-ti-o): Latin term Quintilian employs for both asyndeton (acervatio dissoluta: a loose heap) and polysyndeton (acervatio iuncta:a conjoined heap).

Asyndeton: the omission of conjunctions between clauses, often resulting in a hurried rhythm or vehement effect.

Hurry, hurry, hurry. Time is flying, running, rolling. This may be your last chance to cash in on Bitcoins! You say you don’t know what the hell a Bitcoin is? You say you’re nervous? I’m nervous too! That’s why I’m investing in Bitcoins. I’’m afraid they will all be gone if I don’t act now and relieve myself of a few hundred old-fashioned dollars to reap miraculous rewards. Go to your bank, wire the money, get rich, feel good. Go crypto!

Polysydeton: employing many conjunctions between clauses, often slowing the tempo or rhythm.

I went to the Merryland Mall, and the parking lot was almost empty, so I parked where I wanted to park, and I got out of my car, and went inside to buy some socks and a big bag of dog food for my dog, and also, for making dog food cookies to give away at the nursing home to the residents, and nurses, and doctors, and visitors, and janitorial staff. That’s why I needed a fifty-pound bag of Hungry Pup.

The cookies are easy to make: weigh and pour 2 lbs of dog food into a large brown paper shopping bag, and roll up top of bag to close, then stomp on the bag until there is no more crunching sound, now pour dog food dust into large mixing bowl, then add 3 cups of water and 2 oz. of vodka. Now, put in one cup of sugar and mix vigorously with small tree branch or rubber bone with bell inside. Next, scoop out cookie-size glops of dog food dough and slap them onto a cookie sheet, and then, bake them in your oven at 350 degrees for 20 minutes. When they are done, you can add one M&M to the top of each cookie, for color and flavor. Now, set your cookies out to cool, and be careful if you have a dog. Lock your dog in the closet until the cookies are cooled and you have put them in the trunk of your car.

There! You have made the cheapest cookies on the planet.

I finally found a pair of red socks, and put them in my shopping cart with the jumbo bag of Hungry Pup, and headed for checkout. Soon, I would be home and wearing my new socks, and baking dog food cookies for the old people.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Acoloutha

Posted on January 15, 2022 | Comments Off on Acoloutha

Acoloutha: The substitution of reciprocal words; that is, replacing one word with another whose meaning is close enough to the former that the former could, in its turn, be a substitute for the latter. This term is best understood in relationship to its opposite, anacoloutha.

He was hiking across America—the USA. He was walking from New York City to Santa Barbara—“from sea to shining sea.” He was plodding 3,000 miles to raise awareness about the fact that ALL buttons are made in China. “The implications of this fact are astounding,” he wrote in the little yellow-paged notebook his mother had given him to feed his obsession with “Blue’s Clues” back in the 90s. His adult life was devoted to finding the truth and spreading it far and wide with his public antics. He nearly asphyxiated himself with a plastic shopping bag during during the “war” over their effect on the environment. Going way back, he nearly sliced off his thumb during the pop-top troubles by opening the giant can of Coke he’d made out of cardboard with a meat cleaver he’d altered to look like a pop top. He refused to go to the hospital until he nearly fainted on the pavement outside the 7-Eleven where he was demonstrating with another person, who was opposed to him, and was making pop-top necklaces and giving them to admiring children.

Anyway, if all buttons are made in China, and China decides to stop making them, all shirts and blouses would hang open, exposing us to each other’s chests. He was pushing the idea that the US government should set up a button reserve, much like the petroleum reserve—a button stockpile that could be accessed in times of button shortages. Also, he believed the government should provide subsidies for the development of Velcro alternatives. Moreover, given that China also has a corner on the pearl-snap market, all the problems related to button- front shirts pertained as well to Western-style shirts.

It was a flaming hot crisis.

He had set up a Go Fund Me site called “Don’t Let the Future Come Unbuttoned.” So far, he had raised $11.58. At this point, after two weeks, his trek had taken him to Netcong, New Jersey where, on the road shoulder, he had unbuttoned his shirt and opened and closed it, flapping it like a bird’s wings and flashing his chest.

He was arrested by the State Police and was charged with distracting motorists and parading without a permit.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Acrostic

Posted on January 14, 2022 | Comments Off on Acrostic

Acrostic: When the first letters of successive lines are arranged either in alphabetical order (= abecedarian) or in such a way as to spell a word.

MITCH

Meager

Intellect

Tying

Congress’s

Hands

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Adage

Posted on January 13, 2022 | Comments Off on Adage

Adage (ad’-age): One of several terms describing short, pithy sayings, or traditional expressions of conventional wisdom.

There was a time when nothing seemed to matter. I rolled around in flower beds. I drank Pina Coladas in the rain. I dumped tons of salt on everything I ate. I farted loudly and proudly. Then it happened. I had heard it many times, but I never understood it’s gravity as I ignored it and failed assimilate it’s gravity. I thought I was safe.

“Never trust a fart.”

That day on the bus, I trusted a fart. I thought it was going to sound like a barking seal and make a cloud that would choke my fellow passengers.

I was wrong. I pushed hard on the fart—too hard. It made a sound like a gurgling brook. It filled my underpants with a nightmare.

I had pooped myself. Luckily, my escape point was one stop away. People were turning and looking at me, sniffing the air, and turning back around with a look of total disgust. A little boy spoke up: “Mommy, that man smells like my hamster when we found him in the wall, dead.”

The bus stopped. I got up and my nightmare swung between my legs as the passengers held their noses and silently stared at me. I got off the bus and hurried home. “Never trust a fart.” So true. Such good advice.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99.

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Adianoeta

Posted on January 12, 2022 | Comments Off on Adianoeta

Adianoeta: An expression that, in addition to an obvious meaning, carries a second, subtle meaning (often at variance with the ostensible meaning).

Son: I’m looking forward to eggs (3), bacon, pancakes and maple syrup. I slept all night just so I could have my special Saturday morning breakfast. It’s collection day on my paper route. Maybe, with my breath smelling like maple syrup, I’ll get some tips.

Mother: The way you run your paper route, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of “tips.” Last month, Mrs. Manion’s tip was big: “Stop throwing my paper on my porch roof or I’ll cancel my subscription.” I talked to her and promised you would improve your aim. She was skeptical, but she gave you another month.

Son: Gee Mom, thanks. If we didn’t need the money, I would quit my paper route in a second. It’s hard walking up the hill dragging my wagon filled with papers. I’m out of breath and dizzy by the time I get to Mr. Popper’s at the end of the route. But, he always gives me a “Power Cookie” that makes feel like running all the way home! He makes them in his really cool laboratory, then he and Mrs. Popper bake them in the oven. I love the chocolate coconut and love to have one every day!

Mother: Mr. Popper’s a force in our neighborhood! I’m sure at some point he’ll get some of the credit for the changes that have taken place on our block, and maybe, all over the city.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Adnominatio

Posted on January 11, 2022 | Comments Off on Adnominatio

Adnominatio (ad-no-mi-na’-ti-o): 1. A synonym for paronomasia[punning]. 2. A synonym for polyptoton. 3. Assigning to a proper name its literal or homophonic meaning.

Mom: Your behavior mars your character—it’s like you’re Martian—from another planet—from Mars. Ha ha! Your projected self is selfish, and you think you’re selfless! Your lack of self-awareness is astounding. Your idea of self-reflection is looking in the mirror. You spend your time on Tik-Tok trolling for fans by squirming around in your underwear to the “tune” of crap techno. You can’t be my shining son. You’re more like the dark side of the moon.

Son: C’mon Mother! Mothering was never your strong suit. Please, let’s lighten things up and shed some light on our dimly lit relationship. So, who’s my father? Do I have any brothers or sisters? Did you go to college? Who the hell are you?

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

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A video reading of this example is available on my YouTube channel: Johnnie Anaphora: All the figures of speech

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Adynaton

Posted on January 10, 2022 | Comments Off on Adynaton

Adynaton (a-dyn’-a-ton): A declaration of impossibility, usually in terms of an exaggerated comparison. Sometimes, the expression of the impossibility of expression.

A: You’ve heard the saying, “Make hay while the sun shines.” I’m not sure, but I think it means you shouldn’t make hay at night. You could be injured operating heavy equipment after dark, and also, get lost in the hayfield, maybe ending up driving your tractor on the freeway and getting a ticket.

But all that is nothing compared to your latest Big Idea, which has as much of a chance of succeeding as a pony in college, or climbing a ladder to the moon, or living in “an octopus’s garden in the sea.” We know Ringo had a bit of a “problem” when he wrote that, and you’ve got a bit of a problem with what you’re proposing. Blue-Tooth? It sounds like a dental disease. And God, what a stupid idea. People already plug their headsets into their media players with a nice skinny little cable. Voila! Music! Your idea is doomed. Being ‘wireless’ is like being shoeless on hot sand. It’s like Hansel and Gretel without bread crumbs. You are done. Finished. Defeated. Pack it in.

B: I just got an e-mail from Bose this this morning and Apple last night. I think I’m about to be a billionaire. They love my Blue-Tooth, even though you don’t. I’m taking out a lease on a condo overlooking the Bay. I pick up my Tesla this afternoon. Let’s go for a ride so you can tell me again how stupid electric cars are. I remember you said, “Electric cars have as much of a chance of succeeding as killing a wolf with a fly swatter.”

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99.

Video readings of the example are available on YouTube: Johnnie Anaphora—All the Figures of Speech

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Aetiologia

Posted on January 9, 2022 | Comments Off on Aetiologia

Aetiologia (ae-ti-o-log’-i-a): A figure of reasoning by which one attributes a cause for a statement or claim made, often as a simple relative clause of explanation.

A: We should go backpacking in Belarus because it’s a strange place that nobody goes to. No fighting crowds of rude American tourists!

I got this blurb about Minsk from the Tripadviser website: “Minsk is a unique city where you can feel the spirit of the lost USSR epoch. The city has the biggest in the world complex of Stalinist Empire style architecture, statues to soviet leaders which still stay untouched around the country, and the remnants of communism era left at different corners.” Also, Belarus is run by a dictator! Just think, we’ll get a glimpse of how things will be if Trump gets re-elected!

B: I would consider going, but I think you’re crazy. I don’t want go anywhere because it’s “so strange” nobody goes there! I really don’t see the value of looking at Stalinist architecture. Stalin was a brutal murdering pig. The buildings should be demolished and, oh, if I said that out loud in Belarus, I’d probably be looking at jail time. Again, I’m sorry: there is no way in hell I want to tour a dictatorship that celebrates Stalin. I’d just as soon tour Afghanistan! What about Costa Rica or Canada?

A: Wait, we’re both Canadian. Where’s joy in trekking around our own country?

B: The joy is because we’ve hardly ever been out of Toronto. How about the Maritimes? We could get a of couple kayaks.

A: I’m in!

B: Ok! Let’s start our research now and put our plan together.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99.

Video readings of the examples are posted on YouTube: “All the figures of speech: Johnnie Anaphora.”

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Affirmatio

Posted on January 8, 2022 | Comments Off on Affirmatio

Affirmatio (af’-fir-ma’-ti-o): A general figure of emphasis that describes when one states something as though it had been in dispute or in answer to a question, though it has not been.

A: How dare you challenge my right to believe? Space aliens. Blue bumblebees. Two-headed dogs. Talking frogs. Deep state. Walking on water. Chuck Norris. Barney. You fiend! You assault my freedom, my conscience, my faith!

B: Calm down. Nobody’s attacking your right to believe. We can’t function without beliefs. It’s your beliefs that may be questioned, and you should see that as an opportunity to keep your beliefs, change your beliefs for the better, or likewise, change your critic’s beliefs. Beliefs are mutable—that’s what makes them beliefs. They can change. And as they change, it can be for better and for worse. And ironically, what’s “better and worse” are beliefs too.

A: Stop trying to poison my mind with all of your belief talk. My beliefs are based in faith, which is based in other beliefs. Deprive me of believing and you deprive me of being.

B: Nobody’s trying to deprive you of believing. You can believe whatever you want to believe no matter how it may affect you and the people you believe are your friends. Look, I think we’ve taken this conversation far enough. Let’s put the vodka back in the liquor cabinet and watch TV like we used to do.

A: I believe that may be fun.

B: Me too!

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99.

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Aganactesis

Posted on January 7, 2022 | Comments Off on Aganactesis

Aganactesis (ag’-an-ak-tee’-sis): An exclamation proceeding from deep indignation.

John: You did it again! You did it again! You did it again! Damn you to Hell! I wasn’t put on earth to line things up! To make things right! To sweep it under the carpet. Damn you!

Jane: But there was an earthquake last night. Didn’t you feel it?

John: No! You liar, you want to tell me my best chocolate soldier, General John, was knocked off the fireplace mantle and broke off his head because of an earthquake? Ha ha ha. Once again, the wind blowing out your mouth cries Mary. But, there are imps in my attic because I’m a Voodoo Child, and you’re Mrs. Blue. You angel-faced liar. Poor General John. He was in charge of the chocolate soldier brigade I bought on the internet and has guarded our home and watched over you since I came home two weeks ago.

Jane: John! Look in the newspaper! The headline says: “Earthquake Rocks Bay Area.” That’s the truth. You need to calm down and have one of the bon-bons I picked up at CVS last week. They have a delicious cherry center and Dr. Rick says they’ll make every day feel like Valentines Day; our anniversary and your favorite holiday!

John: You eat one first.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99.

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Allegory

Posted on January 6, 2022 | Comments Off on Allegory

Allegory (al’-le-go-ry): A sustained metaphor continued through whole sentences or even through a whole discourse.

“Oh dear, what shall I do now?” cried Mad Donald. His first thought was to ride his carriage to Royal Burger and assuage his sorrow with two Triple Beef Barges, a Great Sugar Croak, and two boxes of Flemish Tarts. “I lost” he sobbed. “Royal Burger won’t do—I want to win, not just eat myself into a stupor.”

Mad Donald called his loyal cut-throats, with Bathless Steve Bunion taking charge of coming up with a strategy. Bunion remembered when he was child. He lied to his parents every day, and he got his way every day because his parents loved him and were gullible. He loved to lie about lying. He liked it more than riding his donkey, or eating candy.

He told Mad Donald about his childhood success getting his way as a liar. Mad Donald enthusiastically agreed: “Yes! Why didn’t I think of that? I lie all the time. So, what do we do now?” “We lie!” exclaimed Bunion. “About what do we lie?” asked Mad Donald. “The jousting match you lost! Have you forgotten? If you had won, you would have been showered with riches and been declared a celebrity throughout the land.” “Oh, that’s right.” said Don, and they started to make a plan, based in lies, to make Mad Don a winner. In brief, this is what they came up with:

—George Sorenose drugged Mad Donald’s horse

—Mirrors made it look like Mad Donald fell off his horse

—Mad Donald’s lance was shortened

—Mad Donald’s gauntlets we’re poisoned and his hands fell asleep

Once word got out, Mad Donald’s fans went crazy and made a slogan: “Cheater, cheater, vegetable eater, Moe Biten didn’t beat you!” The slogan did wonders as a unifying chant, and also, to deflect peoples’ thoughts from the truth. They massed together and attacked the jousting grounds, burning them to the ground, but saving the championship trophy to give to Mad Donald, the true winner (as far as they were concerned).

Mad Donald and Bunion were arrested the next day for conspiring to rig the games, and thereby inciting a riot. Their lies had been revealed throughout the land. But still, to the puzzlement of Moe Biten, 68% of Mad Donald’s fans still believed him. But nobody else did. They attacked the jail, dragged the two prisoners outside, and impaled them on jousting lances.

This was a bad day in the history of the United Incorporated States. It taught us to keep jousting lances under lock and key, let the government kill bad people, and to try not to lie too much or you will get caught.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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Alleotheta

Posted on January 5, 2022 | Comments Off on Alleotheta

Alleotheta (al-le-o-the’-ta): Substitution of one case, gender, mood, number, tense, or person for another. Synonymous with enallage. [Some rhetoricians claim that alleotheta is a] general category that includes antiptosis [(a type of enallage in which one grammatical case is substituted for another)] and all forms of enallage [(the substitution of grammatically different but semantically equivalent constructions)].

The car was Donna’s. I could tell by the make and model, but also by them bumper stickers—“Eat More Cottage Cheese” and “Support Your Local Clown” and “No Swearing Allowed in Heaven. You Better Stop Swearing Now.”

She always told each of her friends to bring gas money if they wanted to ride with her. But here it was in the middle of the night —parked by the roadside—9:00 pm to be exact. I never would’ve seen it if I weren’t headed for Vegas. I had taken out a home equity line of credit for $20,000 and I was on my way to make it into $200,000 playing poker at the Flamingo Casino. I had bought a system on the internet that guaranteed a winning hand every time. I was ready to rip!

But now, I was flipping out. Donna was out there somewhere, walking around the desert. Then I heard a voice cry out: “Hey you got a tissue?” It was Donna! She was peeking over the hood of her car. “I had to take a wicked leak, and remembered I didn’t have any wipes in my car until it was too late. You’re a Godsend Nicky.” Lucky for Donna I had an unopened pack of Kleenex in my truck. I got them and handed them to her while she hunched behind her car.

The luck of crossing paths with Donna was overwhelming. I felt like it was a message from above. I had loved her since middle school, but she didn’t love me. We had kissed once, but that was it. Over the years, I’ve counted her boyfriends—27 to be exact. Maybe out here on this lonely highway, I might have a chance to try again. I grabbed her and held her close. She screamed and hit me in the face with her cellphone. My cheek was bleeding and I tried to apologize, but she jumped in her car and drove away, tires screeching.

I got to the casino around 11:00 pm. My cheek had scabbed up, but my ego was still bleeding. I decided to play keno instead of poker. By 4:00 am I won $40,000. I was ready to pack it in when I saw Donna! She was walking toward me smiling. She was holding my pack of Kleenex. “These are yours Nicky” she said as she held them out to me. “Yeah, thanks” I said as I took them and stuffed them in my back pocket. “I’m glad you stopped bleeding” she said. “Yeah” I said. “Let’s get a room” she said. I said “Really?” Donna said “Yes.” So we did.

We spent three nights at the Flamingo. I won $240,000.00. We were married on the third day at the Chapel of the Bells. That was ten years ago. And to think, I actually considered murdering Donna after she hit me in the face with her cellphone.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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Alliteration

Posted on January 4, 2022 | Comments Off on Alliteration

Alliteration (al-lit’-er-a’-tion): Repetition of the same letter or sound within nearby words. Most often, repeated initial consonants. Taken to an extreme alliteration becomes the stylistic vice of paroemion where nearly every word in a sentence begins with the same consonant.

Trucks, tracks, tigers. Triggers, Tootsie Rolls, Tambourines. Tacos, tattletales, tourniquets.

Bitter beverage. Big Ben. Better burger.

You may think “So what?” I say, “Ha!” Throughout history, many innovations have been initiated by the play of alliteration. The list is laboriously long. So, let’s take one example: buttered bread.

In 1620 Dunstable Clodwell was shivering by the meager little fire in his drafty little cruck. His cruck was plastered with wattle, manure, and hay. His cow, Holy Mary, took up a lot of room even though she was backed into a corner, however, she generated a lot of heat and helped warm the cruck. Outside the Black Death was raging. Dunstable had resigned himself to certain death, but he was hungry. The neighbor woman Sharona Pinkwinkle always had food—she took it in exchange for doing laundry, and, as she said, “Pleasing the boys.” Sharona was big and busty. As usual, she had set out a slice of bread and a blob of butter, anticipating Dunstable’s regular dinner time visit. He ate his bread separately from his butter as everybody did back then. He looked at Sherona as he prepared to bite into his bread. He was behind her and thought “big butt” to himself, and holding his bread still, he thought, “butt on bread” and laughed to himself. Then, looking at the butter blob, he thought “as I live and breathe, what ho, what can butter on bread be?” And that was it: he put his butter on his bread and took a bite. “Mmmmm” he exclaimed, “that’s good, and I only need one hand to eat it. If I had a flagon of ale, I could hold it in my free hand, gulping it down after each bite of my butter bread.”

Sadly, Dunstable died two days later from the Black Death. He was found on his corncob mattress clutching a piece of buttered bread in his cold hand.

So, even though Dunstable didn’t know what an alliteration was, the connected consonants “b” built a bridge and sparked a realization—from big butt to butter bread the die was cast, and made smearing substances on bread a widespread practice.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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Allusion

Posted on January 3, 2022 | Comments Off on Allusion

Allusion (ə-ˈlü-zhən):[1] A reference/representation of/to a well-known person, place, event, literary work, or work of art . . . “a brief reference, explicit or indirect, to a person, place or event, or to another literary work or passage”. It is left to the reader or hearer to make the connection . . . ; an overt allusion is a misnomer for what is simply a reference.[2]

I was floating in my hot tub, when I remembered once when I was in a bar in Harpers Ferry, West Virginia. Two men beat the crap out of each other in a dispute over what “four score a seven years ago means.” One of them actually believed “score” was a reference to Lincoln’s drug dealing, a sort of bookkeeping strategy for tallying sales for the past seven years. The other guy believed “score” was a cryptic message to the Freemasons, referring to the lines etched into bricks to break them neatly to size: four score referring to the four points of the compass etched in a sacred brick, and “seven years ago” as the last time the Freemasons had built a pyramid.

Even though it was clear that neither of the men had read the “Gettysburg Address” (that was clear from their interpretations) both of them developed, and fought over, the completely bogus and crazy opposing positions they took.

As he was being wheeled out of the bar on a stretcher with a swollen bleeding nose, a fractured elbow, and a neck brace, I asked one of the men where he got his ideas from. He snapped back, struggling under the stretcher’s restraints: “From my head, jackoff. This is America, I can believe what I want to believe. You, or nobody else can tell me what to believe!” At that point, I wanted to call Scotty and beam up, back to sanity land.

Anyway, the memory of the event scared me all over again. Is it true that the will to believe is all the reason that’s needed to believe—that the lunatics in the Harpers Ferry bar had a right fight it out over their conflicted interpretations?

I climbed out of my hot tub, donned my spa towel, and headed for the liquor cabinet. I filled a water glass with Johnny Walker Black, went to my bedroom, put on my pajamas, and picked up Umberto Eco’s “Interpretation and Overinterpretation” from the nightstand next to my bed. I had some reading to do, but would I get the meaning right?

1. Phonetic transcription courtesy of Miriam-Webster’s On-Line Dictionary: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/allusion <3/6/08>.

2. Definition courtesy of Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allusion <3/6/08>.

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Amphibologia

Posted on January 2, 2022 | Comments Off on Amphibologia

Amphibologia (am’-fi-bo-lo’-gi-a): Ambiguity of grammatical structure, often occasioned by mispunctuation. [A vice of ambiguity.]

My mother liked our dentist more than me. She sent him candy on his birthday and wore rubber gloves everywhere. She would get high on black market nitrous oxide in the basement in her “dental chair”—a swivel chair mounted on cinder blocks with a naked lightbulb hanging above it. She even wore a little bib, and spit on it.

I, on the other hand, thought our dentist was a sadistic monster captivated by other peoples’ pain. One time, he tried pull out one of my teeth with a pair of pliers. When it wouldn’t come out, he shattered it with a hammer, and collected the tooth fragments off the floor with a whisk broom and a dustpan. It took one hour to remove the tooth with no novocaine, or anything. After it was over he called me a good boy and gave me a silver dollar. I swore I would kill him after school the next day, but I couldn’t come up with a plan and I didn’t know where his office was.

So, you can see why my mother liked our dentist more than me!

Mom was finally institutionalized for her dentalphillia. We committed her when she started flossing our dog’s teeth and trying to make me and Dad wear bibs at the dinner table.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

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Ampliatio

Posted on January 1, 2022 | Comments Off on Ampliatio

Ampliatio (am’-pli-a’-ti-o): Using the name of something or someone before it has obtained that name or after the reason for that name has ceased. A form of epitheton.

Before

Hey Genius! You’re going to be the smartest PhD ever. Astrophysics? Electrical Engineering? History. Math? Creative Writing? When you’re old enough to talk, we can figure it out. In the meantime, I’ve gotten you some toys: a rubber squeaky star, a big battery pillow for your cribby, an antique rattle, a toy calculator, and “The Three Little Pigs” book I can read to you: a great work of literature.

After

Hey Handsome! Pull your blubber butt up over here. I remember, back in the day you rivaled David Bowie for adoration. A new girl every week. You were something else. You even had hair and all your teeth. Too bad corn on the cob is on the menu. The reunion organizers should’ve thought of people like you. Our lives have morphed. I’m an artist—I paint in acrylics and pull in half a million per year doing portraits and landscapes around the world. I understand you’re a night manager at Burger King. I bet you smell like a cheeseburger when you go home. Too bad about your wife taking off with the exterminator.

Oh well, things change as time goes by. If you lost 100 pounds and got a hair transplant, maybe you could regain some of your cred. Oh, when did you get out of prison?

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Anacoenosis

Posted on December 31, 2021 | Comments Off on Anacoenosis

Anacoenosis (an’-a-ko-en-os’-is): Asking the opinion or judgment of the judges or audience, usually implying their common interest with the speaker in the matter [and illustrating their communally-held ideals of truth, justice, goodness and beauty, for better and for worse].

We are all here today for the same reason. We may have different feelings about it, but all of you can tell me why. We are here to support each other as we struggle with our loss. I lost my car keys this week. You lost your wedding ring two day ago. You lost your wallet this morning. You lost your battery charger last week. We could call each other losers, but that, in a way, ridicules our common problem: losing things, from little thing like Jane’s contacts, to big things like Ed’s truck.

We are tired of hearing “Why are you always losing things?” “You’d lose your head if it wasn’t fastened on.” “You give getting lost a new meaning.” “What’re you going to lose next, your mind?”

Do you know what I mean? Yes! Am I on the right track? Yes! What more can I say? Oh damn, I can’t find my notecard, but I’ll keep going. There are adhesive chips we can buy and put on everything we own. The chips emit signals that will lead you to a lost item through an app on your iPhone. Each chip has a distinct frequency, so you can trace and recover multiple items. Now, the only problem is if you lose your phone. However, there ‘s good news. Your phone has an app that will find your phone as long as it is turned on.

I lost the chip company’s internet address, but I am sure we can find it on Google. I think it may be called LoserFinder.

From now on, when asked where something is, we’ll never be at a “loss” again. Ha ha.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

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Anacoloutha

Posted on December 30, 2021 | Comments Off on Anacoloutha

Anacoloutha (an-a-co’-lu-tha): Substituting one word with another whose meaning is very close to the original, but in a non-reciprocal fashion; that is, one could not use the first, original word as a substitute for the second. This is the opposite of acoloutha.

My face, my soul’s mask, blurts out the breaking promise I am about to throw into your life—broken before it is made, in pieces in my heart like shattered ice melting into clear water: a small reservoir of fate spreading its imperial hopelessness throughout my being.

Forever! I promise. Forever to be your bride even as the deadly spores may carry me to eternity’s unimaginable edge, where souls wait at the abyss for permission to cross over to the timeless shelter built of faith and hope.

And now, I know not whether forever is real. And there, my promise to you fractures—like a tree limb in a storm, a piece of China dropped on the floor, a glass of wine to the same fate. Dropped. Shattered.

And why do I make a promise doomed to be broken as it is made? It is born of love and desire. I love you. I desire an infinite future, and since we do not know the future, we are free to wander through it by the light of our own desire, not caring whether it is prompted by truth’s call. So, the promise breaks, as it is founded on imagination claiming to promise something real. But still, I promise. My promise is a compass to navigate the perilous journey presented by the future and the anxiety it drills into our heads.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Anacoluthon

Posted on December 29, 2021 | Comments Off on Anacoluthon

Anacoluthon (an-a-co-lu’-thon): A grammatical interruption or lack of implied sequence within a sentence. That is, beginning a sentence in a way that implies a certain logical resolution, but concluding it differently than the grammar leads one to expect. Anacoluthon can be either a grammatical fault or a stylistic virtue, depending on its use. In either case, it is an interruption or a verbal lack of symmetry. Anacoluthon is characteristic of spoken language or interior thought, and thus suggests those domains when it occurs in writing.

The sun was setting, beyond Legos, beyond logos, beyond legible. There was this orange blot slowly sinking on the horizon like a round burning elevator headed for the ground floor of the universe. “Where is the truth in that?” I asked as I repositioned the funnel on my head so it pointed straight at the sky, held secured by the rubber band under my chin that I had threaded though the two holes I drilled on either side of the funnel and the knots tied at the ends of the rubber band.

This is what’s wrong with all of us, partially disguised platitudes wreck our concentration and ability to assimilate the grit of everyday life—like oysters unable to grind out pearls under the turbulent sea, we are gloppy and cold and undone. But all that is beyond me now. The stars are coming out. I point my funnel tip at Venus and put Dionne Warwick on my portable CD player: “The Look of Love” streams into my ears and the starlight beams through my funnel, directly into my brain. This is the “frame of reference” I drive, walk and run through life looking for as I eat the fried egg sandwich my Mom made me, with a hard yolk on white toast with butter, salt, and pepper. As I chew and swallow, I feel Eros drilling into my forebrain. Everywhere I look, everything I see, prompts love and affection— my car in the driveway, my lawn, the hollyhocks growing in the back yard: everything.

Dawn is breaking. The night sky has disappeared. The sun is headed up to the day’s top floor. I take off my funnel and put it back in its holster. I plug my portable CD player in to recharge on the back porch. In the kitchen, my hope is brewing fresh coffee. My Mom is frying two eggs, yolks hard. The toast is in the toaster. While in the toaster, the lights went out. Mom pounded on the outlet, and all is well.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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