Tag Archives: schemes

Martyria (mar-tir’-i-a): Confirming something by referring to one’s own experience.

“I’ve seen it all now.” That’s what my father would say when he saw something that was unusual, or he hadn’t seen before. Or, he might say “l’ll be” leaving off the “damned” out of respect for Mother, who did not allow swearing within 15 feet of wherever she was. I was frequently the target of Dad’s wonder. He hardly paid attention to me otherwise, smoking cigarettes and sipping gin and tonics—in the living room, on the porch, in the yard, in the car. We got an automatic shift car just so he could drink and drive with fewer hassles. He never drove fast, keeping it under 10 mph. Once we hit a tree on the way to Cliffs and it didn’t even damages the car. People would blow their horns at us, but Dad would just give them the finger out the window and motion them to pass.

In my continuing quest to get his attention, I tried for an “I’ll be” from Dad every day.

I had found dad’s loaded shotgun in the basement and decided I would shoot one of the songbirds that frequented the trees in our yard. I took the gun up to my room and looked for an article on how to shoot a gun in my back issues of Boy’s Life Magazine. I looked and looked and couldn’t find anything. No luck. But I remembered that my “Cisco Kid” comics had a lot of gun play. I got the basic idea—you aim and pull what is called “the trigger.” I was ready. I came out the front door carrying the gun. Mom and Aunt Ethyl screamed and ran away. I aimed at the tree in the front yard and Dad said “I’ll be.” I pulled the trigger, but it wouldn’t move. There was a little thing that looked like a slider button. I lowered the gun and pushed it toward the front of the gun. Then, I pulled the trigger without thinking about aiming. The gun went off. It blew a 3” hole in the door of our Chevy coupe. You could see a carton of Luckies on seat through the hole. I dropped the gun and started running to the The Church of the Genuine Icon where I would seek sanctuary from my father and the police, like the hunchback in the movie. Father Pringle told me the church wasn’t allowed to offer sanctuary anymore due to the flood of maladjusted teens that had begun overwhelming the church in the late 1940s. “Those WW11 vets were a wild bunch,” said Father Pringle shaking his head. “Gee Father Pringle, that doesn’t help me!” He said, “Ok, ok. Go in the men’s room and rapidly pull three sheets from the toilet paper dispenser at the same time as you flush the toilet. A secret passage will open.” I did as he told me, and boom, a passage opened. I could hide for a couple of days while things cooled off.

I was sitting there wondering who kept the torches lit when the secret door swung open and there was Dad. He said “I’ll be. Son, you’re gonna have to work after school until you can pay for a new car door.” Then, he started laughing—his laughter echoed off the catacomb walls—built and doubled and tripled, and suddenly we were surrounded by spirits in motorcycle jackets and boots wearing Levi prototypes and pastel-colored motorcycle hats emblazoned with winged motorcycle tires. They were holding chains and tire irons. Father Pringle came running through the door and flipped on the electric lights. The spirits vanished.

Father Pringle apologized for not telling me to flip on the lights to ward off the spirits. I told him I didn’t care and Dad said “I’ll be.” It had been a banner day, from start to finish. I stood there looking at the Church of the Genuine Icon. I turned to Dad and said “I’ll be.” He smiled at me and said, “I’ve seen it all now.”

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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