Tag Archives: schemes

Periergia

But what about my mother? She was made of slid personal hygiene flooring. We never talked about anything else, we would talk about different brands of soap at dinner. We’d talk about the relative merits of their smell—a very important topic to my who wore the soap sachets dangling n her armpits from a specially designed harness. Mom really smelled good. It gave me a feeling of optimism, that the world was becoming a better place—a place where cared how they smelled. we would have hygiene themed meals. The names of the didn’t reflect their actual ingredients. Hit and miss use them as topics for dinner conversations. There was Clorox chicken, Windex, Tidy Bowl Tuna casserole, Lysol lamb, Peroxide glazed pork shoulder, Comer sprinkled cod. Dinner time was always great. As we became better acquainted with disinfectants, we learned what it took to survive this filthy germ- and virus-laden hell hole. We knew we hand to be vigilant, armed sponges, paper towels, brushes, rags, and mops. Once a month we would eat off the floor. It would affirm Mom’s vigilance in protecting from the world’s filth. And this where the floor took on deep metaphoric significance eating from the floor symbolizes our desire to be close to the boards under our feet, that keep us from slipping into the basement’s abyss—the tangled mess below.

Periergia (pe-ri-er’-gi-a): Overuse of words or figures of speech. As such, it may simply be considered synonymous with macrologia. However, as Puttenham’s term suggests, periergia may differ from simple superfluity in that the language appears over-labored.


It was obvious to all who beheld Bo Jangles’ tap shoe that it’s well- considered whacking of wooden floors gave us pause and opened our minds to the realization that the floors were instrumental to his success. No floor, no above Jangles, the floor is a sweet metaphor for everything that keeps from falling into a hole or a basement? Your floor could be your car or your mother. Just think how your car is your floor. You come home from work angry and sad because Gorge Ridgly got promoted ahead of you. He escaped the hell of assembling Big Macs,and now, he’s a table wiper. You tell your cat Buffles what happened. Buffles sits there staring you as if you had a sardine in your pocket. This all you need to regain your footing: your cat has shown an interest in you. You Ross hm the sardine and go on to you next adventure—maybe having a beer at the pub around the corner where they’ celebrating Ridgly’s promotion. Damn. I’m staying home.

But Mom threw Dad out for cheating. Her name wasBabs and she had giant breasts—that’s all we about her, and that was enough. We made her favorite Method meatloaf. She was sad, but thar didn’t affect her appetite. At dinner, we talking about the best way to kill Dad, we determined that cleaning products were the way to go. We’re still working on the plan. We invited for next week to “make amends.” I don’t care if anybody gets their hands on this manuscript.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Period

Period: The periodic sentence, characterized by the suspension of the completion of sense until its end. This has been more possible and favored in Greek and Latin, languages already favoring the end position for the verb, but has been approximated in uninflected languages such as English. [This figure may also engender surprise or suspense–consequences of what Kenneth Burke views as ‘appeals’ of information.


I was looking hi and low, far and wide, above and below for my toothbrush. After I tore the bathroom apart, I looked in my bedroom. There was my cat sitting under my bed with my toothbrush between his paws purring loudly. When I reached for it he put it in his mouth—like a dog with a bone. I yelled at him to give me my toothbrush and he just sat there. I got a mop out of the utility closet and tried to push him out from under my bed with it. He wasn’t going anywhere—he kept hopping over the mop when I swept it past him. I went and got his treat bag and dropped a couple of treats in front of him. He would go for treats, open his mouth, and drop the toothbrush. I would grab it.

Backing further under the bed, using the toothbrush like a rake, he dragged the treats and himself out of my reach. I gave up. I would put toothpaste on my finger and use it as a toothbrush. When I stood up, my cat popped out from under the bed and dropped my toothbrush on the floor. I picked it up and went and brushed my teeth.

When I got home, my cat had torn a hole in one of the couch’s cushions and was curled up sleeping in it. He looked so serene, black fur with one white foot. Looking at him, I almost forgot that he had destroyed a couch cushion. But I was getting used to this kind of stuff. He’s started using the kitchen door’s jamb as a scratching post. I’m not sure what’s next, but when he curls up on my lap, he looks at me with his green eyes, and purrs, I feel like I have the perfect cat.

Some friends told me if I get a second cat the two of them will be too busy to make mischief. I had no idea what “keeping busy” would have do with anything., or if “busy” would even factor in to having a second cat. I did what my friends advised.

When the to cats tipped over my plant stand, I realized the new cat would help with mischief involving heavy lifting. For example, as a team they could open my bottom dresser drawer and run wild with my socks and underpants.

I’ve given up. I’ve started trying to beat them to the punch. Yesterday, I pushed everything off my dresser. Tonight I knocked a couple of books out of my bookcase onto the floor. I wonder what they are planning next. Light the house on fire? Invite hundreds of other cats to live here? Find a way to trip me up on the stairs? Maybe I should try to load them up with catnip.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Proecthesis

Proecthesis (pro-ek’-the-sis): When, in conclusion, a justifying reason is provided.


I had a perfectly normal childhood growing up in suburban New Jersey, about twenty miles from New York City. My father was a muskrat trapper. He trapped muskrats in the swamp around the small regional airport near where we lived. He got up every morning around five to check his traps. When he caught a muskrat he would beat it to death with piece of lead pipe. Then, he would drop it in the gym bag that he carried specifically for that purpose. He had gotten the gym bag at the local thrift store and it had the name of our local high school stenciled on each side.

He would throw the gym bag in his car’s trunk and head home to skin and butcher the muskrats. He sold the meat as dog food, mostly to owners of hunting dogs, and to a couple of butcher shops The furs were sold to “Doggy” Norton. He’d gotten his nickname because he had a big black nose like a dog’s and he panted, often with his tongue hanging out. But he was a good guy. He always gave us a touch above market price for our pelts.

To prepare the furs for sale, Dad would make cuts around the muskrat’s tail, and up and down its hind legs.Then I’d peel the skin from around the legs and tail and pull the skin off like a glove, turning the muskrat inside out. Sometimes, when a skin was hard to remove, I’d have to use pliers to get a grip. Anyway, then, Dad would finish up by pulling the skin off over the muskrat’s head and scraping the hide on a board. He would gut and clean the carcass later.

We were a great father son team. Muskrat pelts were with a lot back then, and we made a good living trapping them. There’s nothing in my upbringing as the son of a muskrat trapper and a nearly silent mother (who I have nearly forgotten), that would lead me to believe I would become inflicted with sticky note mania.

Things started getting strange with the invention of sticky notes. I started with simple reminders for myself and others. If I had to make a phone call, I’d put a note on the phone. Ir I had to go grocery shopping, I’d put a note on the refrigerator. Then, it got weird: I learned to write backwards so I could read sticky notes in the mirror, stuck my forehead, maybe reminding me to brush my teeth. Then, I started writing gibberish on them and sticking them everywhere. So, my apartment’s walls were soon covered with sticky notes. Then, my bedspread. Next, the dashboard of my car. I met other people like me. We would get together and plaster each other with sticky notes. After doing that, I decided I wanted to wear sticky notes. I covered my denim jacket with sticky notes. I admit, I glued them on. I looked like a big canary when I wore my jacket. I got numerous compliments. A Hong Kong garment factory named “Spring Luck Tailor, called me. They wanted to mass-produce my “sticky note coat” and would pay me $1,000,000 for my permission to exclusively do so! I love sticky notes. So what? Maybe I can help other people use their neuroses, and even psychoses, to make a lot of money, like Elon Musk or Norman the Lunatic


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Prolepsis

Prolepsis (pro-lep’-sis): (1) A synonym for procatalepsis [refuting anticipated objections]; (2) speaking of something future as though already done or existing. A figure of anticipation.


Fluffy was my cat . I had adopted him from the cat lady down the road. She had about 45 cats with kittens coming all the time. She had a 12×25 foot kitty litter box in her yard. It was heated with an ice-melting ramp that connected to it off the back porch. So, the cats were good to “go” all four seasons of the year. The cats’ water bowl was a kiddie pool, as was their food dish. She fed them “Fancy Feast” canned whitefish pate. The smell of fish was overwhelming. You could pick up the scent a quarter-mile away.

The Cat Lady told me that Fluffy was a little bit “off?” He had been stepped on by the mailman, and now, he staggered a little when he walked. He was black with one white foot—his right-rear foot. He had huge paws and the cat lady said he probably was some kind of Siberian Forest Cat. The big paws make it easy to walk on snow, like snowshoes.

Fluffy was the world’s best cat! We were partners. Friends for life. Fluffy had the sweetest disposition. On the drive home he climbed on my lap and purred. When we got home, I fed him. He gobbled up his food. I had gotten him a kitty bed, but he jumped out each time I put him in. I found a cardboard box. No go. He climbed into my grandmother’s soup tureen that was decorating the center of my dining room table. That was Fluffy’s bed from then on. As a special treat, every once in a while, I would warm the tureen in the microwave. Fluffy loved that.

So, it seemed everything would be fine. When I went downstairs the next morning, all the pictures of my family had been knocked off mantle. The glass was smashed on the floor. But that was the end of it. He never damaged anything again. But, he did develop one bad habit: drinking out of the toilet bowl. As a male living alone, I was really bad about putting down the toilet seat, so it made the toilet bowl fair game for Fluffy. I tried to develop a “seat down” habit, but I wasn’t succeeding.

Then one morning I didn’t see Fluffy around—he usually slept with me and came downstairs with me for breakfast. I had to pee. I went into the bathroom, l lifted up the toilet seat lid. There was Fluffy. His head was stuck under the bidet nozzle and he was drowned. In a panic I flushed the toilet. His limp body just fluttered in the water currents as he was sucked toward the drain, but couldn’t fit down it. He was going nowhere. I had a couple shots of straight vodka and went to the laundry room and got a mesh sock-drying bag. I went back to the bathroom and pulled fluffy out of the toilet by his tail and stuffed him in the mesh bag and zipped it up.

He was soaking wet. I wanted to dry him in the dryer before I turned him to ashes in the incinerator in the back yard. I set him on “Longer Dry,” pressed the button, and waited.

I heard Fluffy yowling inside the dryer. I opened the door and was going crazy trying to claw his way out of the mesh bag. I was shocked and ecstatic at the same time. I just don’t know what to say. I think this falls into the category of the paranormal.

I have purchased a motorized toilet seat cover. It automatically lowers the toilet seat one minute after flushing, or when it detects movement adjacent to the toilet.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Repotia

Repotia (re-po’-ti-a): 1. The repetition of a phrase with slight differences in style, diction, tone, etc. 2. A discourse celebrating a wedding feast.


Ed, here, is in the Guinness Book of World Record for greatest number of marriages in the shortest period of time. He takes pride in the fact he’s called the “Annulment King” and that there’s a country Western song about him titled “Time to Get Married.” The song’s chorus is “I’ve had 22, now it’s time for you. Don’t take a second look, we’re headed for the record book.”

And here he is today, with Joyce, headed for the record book. More than likely, they won’t be married more than a week, won’t consummate the marriage, and will head directly to Billy’s lawyer for the usual turn of events. I asked Joyce why she was doing this and she told me Billy paid her $500 in cash; she was behind on her student loan payments and really needed the cash. She had met Billy in the bus station when she was leaving town for a fresh start. Billy laid out the $500 deal and she took it. They went straight to town hall, bought a license, and made the arrangements for the wedding. And what arrangements they made!

The coolers of beer up and down the aisles, the artificial flowers from the Dollar Store, and Joyce’s wedding dress—the last one in her size on the rack at the Salvation Army Thrift Store. The dress has a story to tell—turn around Joyce. Can you see the small hole with an almost purple stain around it? That’s why they gave the dress to Joyce for free. The previous owner was shot in the back on her wedding day by the guy she had jilted 2 days before. It was a mess, but she survived. Her jilted lover had used a pellet gun and the projectile had barely broken the skin. Take a bow Joyce!

And Billy, you’re about to take another spin in the revolving door of your marriages. I asked Billy; “Why? Why do you do this? It makes you look crazy.” He told me he is ab addict. That he can’t help himself. That he is addicted to weddings. The gravity of the promises made pull him back every time, and the prospect of making them again, pushes him to divorce.” I can understand that Billy—but why don’t you try to stick with Joyce for a week and a half.” That would be a record for you. Ha! Ha!

Well, you two are married now. Let’s toast these two and then grab a hot dog off the grill before they burn. Here’s to you Billy and Joyce—May the hours you spend as Mr. And Mrs. Pracket go by quickly, and may you go your separate ways in peace.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Scesis Onomaton

Scesis Onomaton (ske’-sis-o-no’-ma-ton): 1. A sentence constructed only of nouns and adjectives (typically in a regular pattern). 2. A series of successive, synonymous expressions.


Green camo, brown cam, grey camo, yellow camo. Blah, blah, blah. What is everybody hiding from? I see people posing as bushes, in bushes and under bushes. Great way to spend a Saturday afternoon—underneath a bush wearing clothes printed with photos of bushes. I can see these people because they don’t know what they’re doing and have never really needed camouflage except for turkey hunting, and maybe, deer hunting with a bow and arrow. Beyond that, it might as well be a fashion trend enabled by people who like to “blend in,” but that’s hard to do when you’re leaning against your truck or in the produce section of the grocery store. Standing by a bin of avocados, or in the bakery, you still don’t blend in. It is so funny to see a person squatting by a picnic table trying to blend in. But it’s not funny.

“Blending” is the result of a spineless desire to go with flow and conform, and especially, not stand out. As the Blending movement has grown, it has taken root in social reality as the norm—if you don’t blend in, you run the risk of being ostracized and put in the “Federal Camp for Hippies, Poets, and Anarchists.” Outside the camp, things go smoothly, everybody gets along, but there’s no creativity—nothing new, bold, or revolutionary. When I was a kid, something new and revolutionary came to market almost every week.

How did this happen? It was the 3-D movie “Camouflaged!” it was about these three kids who were skinny dipping and had their clothes stolen by the class bully. To get home without getting in trouble, they had to camouflage their private parts with sticks, and vines, and mud, and grass, and moss, and leaves. Naked and camouflaged, nobody noticed. The kids just walked down the street barefoot. Then Dexter, the smart one, noticed something: “You are all naked and camouflaged, acting differently from what you feel, using euphemisms, even lying, to hide yourselves.” Instead of seeing that as a bad thing, the people saw it was a good thing: no risk, no blame, a tranquil trajectory to the grave.

So, “blending in” has become the highest aspiration. If you can’t or won’t, bye bye. As the movement has gained momentum, the scope of camouflage has been been expanded, and the sphere of blending in has widened—you can be the real quarter panel of a pickup truck, a light pole, a door, a shopping cart, a refrigerator, and a million other things. Life has become complicated. For example, yesterday I sat on the couch and injured my sister’s wrist. She was so well-blended I mistook her for the couch! This quality of blending in is admirable, but, you have watch out what you blend into. Two weeks ago an 80-year-old man camouflaged as a white pine tree was sawed in half by a logger. The logger was wearing mandatory ear protection, so he didn’t hear the man’s screams.

Someday, this madness will come to an end. Until then, I have adopted a clever ruse: I am camouflaged as a person who isn’t camouflaged. I am camouflaged as myself.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Simile

Simile (si’-mi-lee): An explicit comparison, often (but not necessarily) employing “like” or “as.”


It was a lie like the one my mother told me about who my father was. She told me my father was Richard Nixon. They had met at a bar in a Washington, DC hotel when she was there at a meeting of “Mothers in Favor of War.” He seduced her by saying “I’m not a crook” over and over again, dinking gin. My mother was drinking beer and got drunk. They went to her room where I was conceived without her husband’s (aka my dad’s) consent or knowledge. 1 was sworn to secrecy on my patrimony by my mother. If anybody found out I was Richard Nixon’s son, it would mean the end of his career, and possibly, my life.

Then, I found out some things about the story of my conception were only more or less true. She had gotten drunk at the bar, but the rest of the story is a lie. There was no Richard Nixon, there was no sex with Richard Nixon. There was just her wandering through the lobby looking for the ladies’ room and stumbling into the men’s room by mistake. There was a man mopping the floor and he “sweet talked” her. They went into one of the toilet stalls and had a “nice time” together, and then, he went back to mopping the floor and she went to her room and watched TV until she passed out. The last thing she remembers from that night was Johnny Carson wearing a turban.

I was totally weirded out and vowed to find my mop-swinging father. My mother didn’t want me to find him and wouldn’t help me. So, I hired a private detective. His name was Magnuts DI. I paid him the flat missing persons rate: $2,000. Two days later I got a call. He had found my father. He was in prison, sentenced to 200 years for running the most successful Ponzi Scheme in history. He he had defrauded the equivalent of the population of Pennsylvania. He went from mopster to mobster. I did not want to know how. I was through with him. He called me and told me he would double my money if I visited him. I was tempted, but said “No.”

So, here we are. You make my mother’s lies look like passages from the Bible. You make them look like self-evident truths. Your lies are like a ball of poisonous snakes, showing their fangs and loudly hissing. Your lies are like 1,000 farts blown in a car with the windows up. I could go on and on, but the point is, you told me you are a princess and showed me a fake certificate of authenticity on our second date. I found out the certificate was faked when we went to get our marriage license. It was like I was shot in the heart by a large caliber handgun. You lied to me. You deceived me. You won my love by false pretenses. You’re not a princess and you never will be! You’re a window girl at Mac Donald’s. I should’ve known from the smell of cooking oil rising from your skin, like some fast food mist, like you were an x-large order of fries.

Good bye demon woman. If I ever see you again, I will call you names and point at you. You are like a pretty package with a bomb inside. Good bye. Good riddance.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Synathroesmus

Synathroesmus (sin-ath-res’-mus): 1. The conglomeration of many words and expressions either with similar meaning (= synonymia) or not (= congeries). 2. A gathering together of things scattered throughout a speech (= accumulatio [:Bringing together various points made throughout a speech and presenting them again in a forceful, climactic way. A blend of summary and climax.]).


My head is spinning like a roulette wheel. First there was the bucket. Then there was the crayon. Then, the bullwhip. Next, the acorn. If I didn’t know I was thinking about surrealistic art, my head would’ve come off, or twisted like a rubber band. Tomatoes. Tornadoes. Trains and berry tarts. So much comes together that does not “belong” together—cows on roller skates, bongos with wings, flaming peach pits, mentos scattered on a bedspread out in a field during a hurricane.

I had inherited a collection of surrealistic paintings from my father—he died of a heart attack while he was chasing his dreams. They were all so quirky and out of reach that they killed him. We lived in California and he wore jogging clothes all the time. He’d get up in the morning and tell us he’d be chasing his dreams. The beach was one of his favorite places to chase dreams. He said it was the smell of the sand that prodded him. One morning he went chasing his dreams at the town park, and boom, he was gone. The doctor had warned him that running around beaches and parks at 83 years old was a little dangerous. Dad didn’t listen. I thought he was like Don Quixote, “dreaming impossible dreams.” But actually, he was more like Little Orphan Annie on a “tomorrow” treadmill. But, he lived to be 83.

The paintings he left me were pretty much worthless. I kept them hanging on the wall out of respect. Being surrounded by surreal painting had started to affect my sanity. Being surrounded by depictions of dreams and random collisions among unrelated objects had made begin to doubt the reality of reality. If it can so easily be manipulated with colored oil and acrylic, and pastel, it could be that everything that seems to go together does not—in the fullness of time we have forgotten its absurdity, and the randomness of what seems to go with what in natural order, and the conventional connections of social order. Think about it! To me, a duck sitting on a couch is normal. A tree growing out of the ground is a cruel joke or a hallucination.

The glue has come undone. The world is coming apart. My feet have turned to rubber. Is that possible? I guess it is. It is happening to me. It has put a spring in my step. Boing. Thank God I don’t have to leave my house. I can just wander around, reveling in my walls. Oh, there’s a cat hovering like a helicopter over a swimming pool filled with lollipops—red, green, and yellow.

My nephew Ned delvers my groceries. He tries to take care of me in every way possible. This morning, he gave me a little red supplement pill to “enhance” my thought processes. I took it right after he left.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Synthesis

Synthesis (sin’-the-sis): An apt arrangement of a composition, especially regarding the sounds of adjoining syllables and words.


Rough roads killed my truck. Traveling the outback of West Virginia collecting taxes from tax resisters who are members of the “Death Before Taxes” movement. They raise their middle finger and give a hearty “fuc*k you” to the federal government. They reside in hills and hollows in a corner of West Virginia. They partake of no Federal amenities. They live in waterproofed, fireproofed, insulated, and windowless refrigerator boxes strung together like trains. Supposedly, they are modeled on the homes of their 18th-century Scottish ancestors who settled in the hills and hollows of West Virginia when they were given the boot by the Scottish lairds. Since they’ve been living in close proximity to each other for hundreds of years and intermarrying, they all look alike, almost exactly alike. Half of them have the same first name, so it’s a nightmare tracking them down. They all have a common birthmark: a mole shaped like a turtle on their left cheek, right below the eye. Over time, they have all taken the last name “Turtle” naming themselves after their common birthmark.

Since they need only food, clothing, kerosene, and sundries for their crafts, all the Turtle men work for money. None of them have a car, so they walk everywhere they go. One of the Turtles works as a lawyer after passing the bar exam, by sitting to the law and acting as an apprentice to a notoriously crazy judge. Another Turtle man makes walking sticks for personal defense. They are studded and “accented” by spikes at the end—made to defend. Other Turtles work at the applesauce factory, dumping apples into the cookers and seasoning and stirring them. The applesauce is named “Eve’s Treat” and is popular throughout the Southeast. A small number of Turtle women work in local car washes, drying off the cars. They wear no bras and let their t-shirts get wet. This strategy pulls in huge tips and makes the women among the wealthiest Turtles.

I have to go door-to-door because the Turtles have no electricity and no addresses. Every April I risk my life trying to collect a few dollars from the Turtles. I fail every year because they go and hide in the woods. They yell “Watch out tax man or you will die of lead poisoning.” This year one of the women stayed behind. I recognized her immediately as the girl who had dried off my car two weeks ago when I was plotting out this year’s trip. She had injured her foot helping her uncle k-Mart Turtle making walking sticks. I told her I would take her to the doctor and she pushed me into the ravine running through her front yard. I sprained my ankle, crawled out of the ravine and limped my way back to my broken truck. I batted zero on collections again this year. I called Turtle’s Towing on my cellphone. They refused to help me because I’m a “tax man.” Nobody would help me. So, a US Army tow truck was dispatched to bring my government vehicle to Wheeling for repairs—the muffler had been ripped out along with the brake line.

All I could think of on the ride to Wheeling, was the car wash girl who had pushed me into the ravine. Right before she pushed me, I think I had caught a glimmer of affection in her eyes. I was going back next week to have my car washed again, and confirm the spark of love.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Synzeugma

Synzeugma (sin-zoog’-ma): That kind of zeugma in which a verb joins (and governs) two phrases by coming between them. A synonym for mesozeugma.


The temperature was climbing and so was I. I was in Peru, it was jungle-hot and I was inching my way up a sheer cliff. It was at least 600 feet to the top and I was only 200 feet up of what was called by its grid coordinates: 13.1632° S, 72.5453° W. I was starting to think I wouldn’t make to the top. Downclimbing was out of the question. I had to make it to the top or my sponsor would withdraw its support and I would be left in Peru with nothing. I was half-way out of water and was hearing music—a sure sign I’d gone around the bend. It was coming from above me. I kept climbing.

I came to a vine-covered entrance to a cave. The music was coming out of the cave—it was one of those Peruvian flutes. It playing Creedence Clearwater’s “Proud Mary.” I thought I was surely going insane. Then, a man stepped out of the shadows and greeted me: “Welcome to the Machu Picchu Flute Academy. we work to prepare Peruvians to play the flute on street corners, plazas and bus stops around the world—from Iceland to New Zealand, from Poland to Portugal we play haunting music. Let me show you around.”

In addition to flutes they made ceramic guinea pigs clutching bricks of money. These were sold to tourists in Lima, along with lower quality flutes. The mountain’s stone interior had been hewn into classrooms and dormitories, a library, and a restaurant named Hard Rock Diner. The students came from all over Peru. There were two North Korean exchange students who were there to “improve the aesthetics of the Motherland’s cultural regime.” I thought this was pretty cool. Maybe North Korea isn’t so bad after all.

There was a well in the center of the school with delicious water, and a flight of stairs carved out of that exited at the top of the cliff I was clinging. So, I had an order of ceviche at the restaurant and said “Goodbye” to my host. My plan was to climb the stairs and use my satellite phone to call in a chopper to pick me up. My hose said, “Wait. Before you leave you must swear on this master flute to never disclose this place’s location or mission upon penalty of death. All the students do likewise as the price to pay for learning how to make and play the Peruvian flute. I thought nothing of it and readily agreed—mainly because I thought it was a load of BS.

POSTSCRIPT

After I wrote this account of my experience in Peru and published it on my blog, things haven’t gone well. I cut off my finger peeling a peach. I got severe food poisoning from ceviche I are at a local Peruvian restaurant: The Hard Rock Diner. I should’ve known better. Now, my pet Guinea pigs, Moe, Larry, and Curly have gone feral and are eating my feet as I type. I don’t know what will befall me next, but I fear it will be the end.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Systrophe

Systrophe (si’-stro-fee): The listing of many qualities or descriptions of someone or something, without providing an explicit definition.


So many qualities. So many characteristics. So much to see and marvel at. Plump. Stiff. Pointing toward the sky. It’ll always be one of my favorite things. I harvested it and put it in vinegar in a jar. I have it on my mantle, backlit by a candle, sitting on a saucer my little sister made in her pottery class at the community college. I love how the jar and the saucer provide an aesthetic temper to the floating vice. I can’t help but see it that way—as a vice—given the sensual distraction it provides from my otherwise useless life.

I work at the airport picking up trash in the grand concourse. I have a scoop with a handle and wheels and a trashcan with wheels. I make my way through the concourse over and ver in a checkerboard patter so I don’t miss any floor. Somebody else empties the trash by the seats. My job is “random litter” decorating the concourse floor. The weirdest thing I ever found was an artificial leg. It was leaning up against the wall outside the men’s room. I looked inside the restroom before I harvested the fake leg. There were no one-legged people inside the men’s room, so I took it. I noticed it had a tag glued to it. It said: “If found, call Tim Small at 409-222-3434.” So, I called the number and Tim asked if I’d bring the leg to him. I said I would and he gave me the address. It was in the ritzy part of town. When I got there, I was impressed by his mansion. There was a fountain and statues on the lawn. There was a Tesla parked out front as well as a golf cart.

I rang the doorbell. It played the chorus from Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear the Reaper” with excellent sound quality. The door opened and Tim introduced himself. He had two legs! I sad “What the f*ck is going on here?” He said he should’ve told me and profusely apologized to me. He handed me an attache case filled with twenty-dollar bills. Then, he tour me his story: The leg had belonged to his father who had lost his leg in the Korean War. They were a team, begging on the streets for NYC. His father would roll up his pant leg, and he would hug the leg and cry and say “My daddy sacrificed his leg for you.” They made tons of money. He invested their earnings in hula hoops and bobby socks and made millions. He believes his father’s leg is a lucky charm, and also, it comforts him to hug it, like he did as a child.

I was completely amazed and the attaché case filled with 20s helped me believe his story. This experience was the brightest spot in my whole life. It kept me from diving out my apartment window. Now I have my “light in the forest” shimmering on my mantle. It brings me joy. It’s just one of those things.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Tapinosis

Tapinosis (ta-pi-no’-sis): Giving a name to something which diminishes it in importance.


They are a piece of crap, a waste of space, a symbol of oppression. the Crown Jewels of England. Worn by beheaders, adulterers, bad tennis players and overweight slobs. When I see the Queen wearing the crown, I want to run up and push her down. But what good would that do? I would be packed off to the loony bin and disappear into meds and electric shocks. So, that’s why I’ve gotten a job in the Tower of London where the Crown Jewels are displayed. The crown is taken out of its showcase once-a-month for dusting. That’s when I will strike. I will work my way up to crown duster. Then, instead of dusting it, I will run away with it.

After three years I was promoted to Duster. As planned, I absconded with the crown. I ran out a side door with it under my arm like an American football. Strangely, nobody chased me or even yelled. I checked into the first hotel I came to. I sat on the bed and looked at the crown, imagining ways I could destroy it. I thought fire was my best bet, but throwing it out a window or running it over with a steam roller were pretty good options too.

Then I noticed it said “Barbie” on the inside rim. The crown on display was from one of those life-size Barbie Dolls! I had to find the genuine crown so I could lay it to waste once and for all. Then I remembered: Nick Knack. I had served with hm as an altar boy back in the day. We pilfered communion wafers and sold them to the Satanic cults flourishing in London at the time. We got mixed up with some pretty crazy people, one of whom taught Nick how to turn into a house plant and spy on people. He was willing pose as a philodendron in The Tower of London to see if he could get the lowdown on the crown’s whereabouts. His friend posed as a florist and dropped him off. It didn’t take long.

Nick heard them talking and heard them say the crown was disguised as cake topper in Harrod’s pastry hall. It was sitting atop a “permanent” wedding cake. I jumped in a cab and headed to Harrod’s as fast as I could. I climbed up on the showcase where the cake was displayed. I reached for the crown, and a nicely manicured hand with a handcuff attached to the wrist shout out of the cake and shackled me. She stood up and was wearing a maid’s costume. It was like the girl popping out of the cake at a bachelor party. But, it was no party for me. No lap dance. The oppressor had won again.

I am in prison. I am writing a book: “Try to Have a Plan.” It is based on my experience.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Tmesis

Tmesis (tmee’-sis): Interjecting a word or phrase between parts of a compound word or between syllables of a word.


Bi-buckin’-cycle. Damn. Thump. Bump. Bam. Boom. It was near the beach and the road was paved with pretty big rocks—like turtle shells sunk in the tar. This was the annual “Kiss Your Ass Goodbye Bicycle Torture Run.” The “Run” went for 80 miles along the Rhode Island coast. It was brutal. Nobody had ever finished it. There was a $10,000 prize, so, for me, it was worth competing in it year after year and learning all I could about the terrain and what kind of bike it takes to traverse it. The first time I tried, I rode a normal English racing bike. I got 10 feet and was picked up by junkyard magnet and dropped in the ocean. After that, I switched to a zinc alloy bike. I had had the bike I was riding custom made out of steel. I did that for durability, not magnetic properties! Flying through the air on my steel bike was something I never anticipated. Live and learn.

This year’s bike is zinc alloy and weighs in at 50 pounds. Both wheels ride on springs made of cuckoo clock works. When I hit a really big bump they cuckoo! That’s classy. The handlebars are Texas Longhorn steer horns—at 8 feet wide, they keep other riders from passing until I can throw my special nails on the ground behind me. the special nails are like jacks—it doesn’t matter how they land—there’s always a sharp point sticking up. My tires are molded rubber. They can’t be punctured. My spokes are made of extruded stainless steel—indestructible. The seat is made of goose down and is lavender-scented with a built-in dispenser. The pedals are made of hand-carved birch by Scandinavian master craftsmen. The headlight is halogen and is designed to blind other riders. It can be taken from its bracket and pointed over my shoulder. I think this is the most effective means of staying in the lead.

Although nobody has ever finished race, I’ve come close. Last year, after completing Turtle Shell Road, I came to “Jimmy Cliff,” a 50-foot drop to a pit filled five-feet deep with broken Narragansett beer bottles. But I was ready. I was wearing my custom made Kevlar bike suit with my sponsor’s name emblazoned on it: “Narragansett Mental Health and Refurbished Lawnmowers.” I never bought a lawnmower from them, but I’ve been taking their “Rainbow Pills” for the past 10 years. I try to live my life like Noah, looking for rainbows and having a big boat.

Anyway, I held my bike over my head and waded through the broken glass—it smelled like beer. It reminded me of my mother’s smell when she tucked me in as a kid. That was an inspiration. I came out the other side of the pit of glass and there was a muddy field filled with Rhode Island Red chickens. They had added this feature when it became popular to keep chickens as pets. The field was about a half-mile across. The chickens had been fed steroids and were very aggressive. They pecked at rider’s legs, especially if they had gotten stuck in the mixture of mud and chicken shit making up the field. The riders’ screaming was disconcerting. Their mangled calves were shocking and disgusting and provided me an incentive to get through the field without getting stuck.

On the periphery of the field was an Porta-Potty. That was great. I had to pee something fierce. I parked my bike outside, went inside, and locked the door. When I was done, I couldn’t get the door unlocked. I heard what sounded like Russian laughter. Suddenly, the locked door unlocked. I went outside and my bike was gone. That did it. The end for another year’s bike racing failure. I’m certain the thieves will return my bike. When I get it back, I’ll have it fitted with a hack-proof burglar alarm. Also, I’m going to have a chicken wire chicken shocking skirt installed right above the pedals.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Topographia

Topographia (top-o-graf’-i-a): Description of a place. A kind of enargia [: {en-ar’-gi-a} generic name for a group of figures aiming at vivid, lively description].


I was alone. The house was empty. It was quiet. I sat there in my bathrobe and thought about what had happened, trying to figure out why it had happened. Well, I actually knew. After 20 years of being happily married, my wife had become insane. She thought I was a menace to humanity—that I made bombs, spread diseases and drowned kittens in the pond behind our house. She became fixated on killing me. I, like a fool, let her get away with her attempts.

One afternoon I was sitting in my easy chair. I had just given our dog Mike a bubble bath in the upstairs bathroom. He had followed me back downstairs and was trying to hump my leg. I kept kicking him off with my free foot. He was like a jackhammer from hell. Then, there was a great big “boom.” My wife had shot Mike with my deer hunting gun. It was loaded with .12 gauge slugs. Mike died instantly—a quarter-sized hole in his back. My wife dropped the gun to the floor. She said “I missed.” I thought nothing of it at the time. She was always complaining about Mike, so I thought she was reacting to her irritation and carrying out her anger. Killing Mike was a little extreme, but I could live with it.

About two weeks later I was taking a bath. I had the bathroom door locked. I liked privacy when I took a bath. Suddenly, there was a loud banging on the bathroom door. “Let me in! Let me in right now!” she yelled as she pounded. I said “No. Leave me alone.” She said, “Ok fat ass, I’ll be right back.” She was gone for about two minutes. I heard her outside the door starting my chainsaw. She sawed a hole in the door big enough to walk through. Then she picked up a space heater off the floor and threw it in the tub. Nothing happened. The space heater wasn’t plugged in. Just as I was wondering why she didn’t go after me with the chainsaw, she picked it up but couldn’t get it started.

I should’ve had her arrested, but instead, I used my health insurance to put her into therapy. I didn’t want to send all our happy years of marriage down the drain. The first thing the psychologist told me was that my wife is a homicidal maniac, and eventually, she would succeed in murdering me. “She hates you. Maybe if we could figure why, we could help her,” he said. I was clueless. Sure, I played jokes on her and teased, but that shouldn’t induce homicidal urges toward me. For example, one time I told her that her mother had burned alive in a train crash. The look on her face was priceless. She stopped sobbing when I told her it was a joke. No harm done.

Anyway, one evening I was watching TV and she crawled up behind my chair and pulled a plastic bag over my head. It was one of those cheap eco-friendly bags and I was able to poke a hole in it over my mouth. That did it. I called the police. She was arrested, tried, and convicted of attempted first degree murder.

Now, she has a guaranteed life residence for life—out in the high desert with coyotes and cactus and wind. Where the armadillos play and the sun shines all day and the prairie dogs dig holes all over the place.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Traductio

Traductio (tra-duk’-ti-o): Repeating the same word variously throughout a sentence or thought. Some authorities restrict traductio further to mean repeating the same word but with a different meaning (see ploceantanaclasis, and diaphora), or in a different form (polyptoton). If the repeated word occurs in parallel fashion at the beginnings of phrases or clauses, it becomes anaphora; at the endings of phrases or clauses, epistrophe.


The porch was big. The front door was big. The house was big. It was where Grammy and Grampy lived. They liked everything big. When I say “big” I’m not kidding. Their front door was rwelve feet tall and five feet wide. The door knob was the size a a hubcap and they key weighed three pounds. They had ladders to climb up on the couch and arm chairs. The pile on the carpet was one foot deep and was patterned with dancing ducks and chipmunks. The television was the size of a ping pong table hanging on the wall. The kitchen stove was like a smelter. I wasn’t allowed in the bathroom, but there was a normal size guest bathroom I used when I visited,

Grampy had made billions in the “Advice” business. His advice was always on target for the people he gave it to, whether it was good or bad.”Escalate the bombing” was among the worst. He gave that advice to Henry Kissinger at the height of the Vietnam War. Then there was the Falklands War, and more. The best piece of advice he ever gave was to Santa Claus. Rudolph “with his nose so bright” had been permanently disabled playing in the 1989 Reindeer Games in Iceland. Grampy advised Santa to get a GPS so he wouldn’t get lost. He also advised Santa to get a pair of LL Bean Arctic Adventure Insulated Boots. Santa had lost 2 toes the previous year, and now, with his circulation affected by his age, he needed to do something. I don’t know, but maybe Grampy saved Christmas.

All the “big” in Grampy and Grammy’s lives is the result of a neurosis that can’t be managed with medication. They tried Ketamine but got the sensation they were melting into the floor. After drinking 4 cups of black coffee, the sensation went away and was replaced by a sort squeaking sound and a soft breeze coming out of their ears. It went away on its own after four hours. We ere all relieved, but it did not affect their perception of being big.

Grampy and Grammy suffered from Megalo Psevdaisthisi: Size Illusion. It stems from an unwarranted fear of Goliath—the giant killed by David in the Bible. The victim “has to be big” in the event Goliath comes looking for them. It is highly unusual that husband and wife both suffer from Size Illusion, but Grampy and Grammy were in a Bible study group when they were children. They read David and Goliath and both still remember being terrified, Still, the name Goliath triggers tremors and feeble cowering. It is disconcerting.

Being surrounded by oversized things comforts my grandparents. I often wonder what it would be like if they couldn’t afford the big things. I sought out a husband and wife who who suffered from Size Illusion and could not afford big stuff. I rang the doorbell and there was panicked screaming from inside. The door opened and there was the husband aiming a slingshot at my head. Husband and wife, whimpering, backed under the dining room table. At that point I had had enough and I left. How sad.

My grandfather had some big chairs stored in his garage. I sent one to the people I had visited. I hope it helps them cope.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Tricolon

Tricolon (tri-co-lon): Three parallel elements of the same length occurring together in a series.


I laughed. I cried. I choked. It was my mother’s birthday and laughing, crying and choking are the most vivid memories of the time we spent together. Laughing was rare, but crying and choking happened every day. I would cry because of what she had done to me and she would choke me and tell me to shut up. If I didn’t shut up she would hit me with a spatula and pour ice water over me. if that didn’t work, she would stick pins in me—she called it voodoo acupuncture. As you can imagine, none of those remedies worked—they actually made things worse. So, she would leave me out on the sidewalk until I stopped.

I had a giant wingtip shoe for a bassinet. My father had worked for a shoe repair shop. The shoe hung from a sign outside that said “Shoe Business.” It was a play on “show business” that nobody got, but we got the shoe when the business closed. When I was 12 I could still fit in it comfortably. I polished it once a month and kept the laces limber by tying and untying them twice a week. Dad subsequently got a job as a shoe salesman. He said he liked “looking up north” when he was fitting a shoe on a woman. I don’t know why he told me that. I was only six. Two days later, he left for “The Land of Lincoln” and never came back.

Anyway, there I was on the sidewalk. A very tall woman pushing a baby carriage came along. She picked me up and put me in the carriage. I had been hoping to be kidnapped ever since my mother started putting me out on the sidewalk. Suddenly my mother appeared on the front porch. She was waving a potato masher and yelling: “Go ahead and take him, he’s nothing but a little pain in the ass!” The women yelled “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone!” Off we went down Grove Street headed to my new home. It was a giant mansion on the hill at the end of the street. I had gone sleigh riding there a few times in the winter, but that was it. My new mother’s name was Mary Garlitz. She was Don Garlitz’s sister—he drove a drag racer.

The house was so big, Mary got around via skateboard. She gave me a skateboard when I moved in. It had Spider-Man painted on it. She got her friend Tony Hawk to teach me how to use it. He actually skateboarded on the ceiling! You’d be watching TV and all-of-a-sudden he’d go rolling by and circle the TV room’s ceiling light like nothing happened.

Mary and I travelled the length and breadth of New Jersey soaking up its history and beauty. At one point we met up with Bruce Springsteen. I tagged along as Ruth and “The Boss” reminisced as we walked down the beach at Asbury Park. I think Springsteen’s song “Mary Queen of Arkansas” was inspired by Mary.

The best fun I had was visiting the “Great Swamp National Wildlife Refuge.” When I was really young, me and dad would go there. We would catch leeches and put them in zip-Lock bags. Dad loved to “fool” mom with them by putting them in the bathtub when mom was taking a bath. She would see one crawling up her leg and go crazy. Dad would laugh and say “It looks like your ugly mole is moving!” I wish I was allowed in the bathroom to see, but seeing mom naked was strictly prohibited.

When Mary and I visited the swamp, we marveled at the flowers, the turtles, the frogs, and the water snakes. I saw a raccoon laying on its back and panting. I poked it in the stomach and it snarled and bit my hand. Mary drove me to the emergency room where it was determined that I needed rabies shots. I had to get four shots, but that did not diminish the fun I had at the swamp.

While we were at the hospital, Mary told me my mother was there. She had a giant inoperable boil on her chest. It was three feet in diameter and weighed around 80 pounds. I told Mary that I didn’t want to see my mother. Mary said “Ok” and we left. That very night mom’s boil exploded and propelled her through her room’s wall and killed her. They had to call in extra orderlies to clean up the mess. Fox News ran a story about it titled “Pus Tsunami.” The on-site newsman said “She went out with a bang.” And “She made a big splash.”

I couldn’t wait to have my mother cremated so we could dump her ashes in a can and shove her in the ground. The cemetery won’t allow me to have the epitaph I wanted to have on her gravestone—they said it would offend a lot of people. I see it as a free speech issue. I am filing a lawsuit next week. My attorney, Rudy Giuliani, assures me it is a slam dunk. Mary told me he has been disbarred and shouldn’t be practicing law. I guess I’ll have to fire him.  I hope he gives me my $200,000 deposit back.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Acervatio

Acervatio (ak-er-va’-ti-o): Latin term Quintilian employs for both asyndeton (acervatio dissoluta: a loose heap) and polysyndeton (acervatio iuncta:a conjoined heap).


I was mad and glad, and wild, and riding my battery-powered bicycle to the mall. It made a humming sound and the bumps were like they were clear puddles of water with worms floating in them—casualties of rain, when the puddle dries they’ll look like brown shoelaces. Jeez. There I went again. Staying focused had become nearly impossible for me since getting hit in the head by a croquet ball at my brother’s birthday party. Here I go again! Things just keep occurring to me while other things fall by the wayside. I was mad—I was mad because of the big sale at the mall which made me happy and wild: ready to load down my bike with cheap crap. What, mad? I was headed for the edge. But, it was on the way to the mall!

Suddenly. I couldn’t remember where the mall was. I sat and started crying, sitting on the curb. A man pulled up on a yellow and black electric bike. He was wearing a red suit with a flashing light on each shoulder, clearly “for safety.” I told him I got lost on the way to the mall. He told me to look behind me . It was the mall! We rode together. His name was Roger and sold canoes at Dick’s Sporting Goods. That day, they were 75% off. We parked our bikes and went our separate ways, but not before he asked me out for a drink. I told him “No.” I had to go to work at “Zippy Lube” where I worked the night shift. He made some kind of noise and stalked off. I took off for “Tippy Toys” to buy the giant stuffed bear I had had my eye on for nearly a year waiting for the sale. I picked it up and pretended to dance with it. I was dancing in my head to a song from “The King and I.” Then the salesgirl yelled “Put the bear down, slut!” I flipped out and threw a Chucky doll at her head and ran out of the store carrying the bear and running. When I got to my bike I realized I couldn’t fit it on my bike. I put him on my rear fender. He put his arms around me and said “Go baby!” I went! I peddled, peddled, peddled like a maniac. I swear, my tires were smoking all the way. When we got to my house, we ran inside and he became a normal stuffed bear—he just sat there with his arms outstretched.

Then, the front doorbell rang. It was the canoe salesmen with the police! He was disgruntled because I would not have a drink with him. What a creep. I turned to say goodbye to the and he had vanished. The cops searched the house and found nothing, and they admonished the canoe salesman as they went out the door. I closed the door and turned around and there was the panda sitting on the chair. I wished he could talk and almost instantly he said “You wish for too much” and that was it.

About six months later the canoe salesman called and asked me out again. He said we’d go down by Lake Hopta Beach and bring a blanket and a bottle of wine. I thought his plan was to get me drunk and confess to stealing the bear. I didn’t. I had not had sex for over a month! The last time I had done “it” was with my little brother’s friend. He was barely 18, but it did the job. Now, I was on the beach by the lakeshore with a total idiot. I knew where we were headed. We had taken off our clothes when the bear came running out of the woods. He said to me in his deep bear-voice “You don’t need this. Lt’s talk when we get home.”

He was there when I got there. He told me he can take on a human form. He stretched out his paws and clapped. There was a red spark and he turned into Rod Stewart c. 1966.

Life with Rod is a dream come and true. Unfortunately, when he ran away naked from the lakeshore, the canoe salesman jumped in front of a dump truck and was killed on the spot. He looked like a human pizza and, due his death, was never able to get anybody to believe his stolen bear story.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Adage

Adage (ad’-age): One of several terms describing short, pithy sayings, or traditional expressions of conventional wisdom.


“If you can’t stand the heat, don’t move to Florid.,” This is one of my favorite sayings—layered with meaning and steeped in wisdom. My father was a weatherman on Channel 26–local cable access TV . He made up the saying after taking a trip to Florida and suffering heat stroke when he was on the beach with a college professor from New York who was studying sand with a grant from her college. She had a little tin bucket with pictures of sea horses on it. Dad told me she would fill it with sand, walk ten paces, and dump it out. Then she would measure the degree to which the sand retained the shape of the bucket and its fitness for utilization in the building of a sandcastle.

Dad had gotten heat stroke when he and the professor were exercising on an isolated stretch of beach. They were doing push-ups when dad’s symptoms overtook him and he started shaking all over, and then, collapsed face down. The Professor was able the fill her bucket with water and throw it in Dad’s face. The bucket of water may have saved him. The paramedics rolled Dad into the ocean and cooled him down. He was as good as new, except he had misplaced his bathing suit. The paramedics wrapped him in a wet towel and he was able to walk down the beach to his hotel. The Professor was waiting in his room, holding his bathing suit. She joined him in the shower to help him wash off the salty residue from the seawater.

As Dad’s story unfolded, it became clear that he was trying to gloss over an affair he had had. When confronted, he denied any wrong doing. Since Mom was involved with Nick, one of the black jack dealers at “Sunrise Sunset” casino, she didn’t push it.

As a kid, my parents’ cheating was a real benefit. Separately, I swore to both of my parents that I wouldn’t rat them out. I got trips to Florida and my own giant room at the casino. The Professor had a daughter named Margarita. She was a little older than me. She would accompany her mom on her Florida trips. She told me her father was Dean of Faculty and was on leave due to embezzling charges. We laughed and lit another joint. Then dad’s saying occurred to me: “if you can’t stand the heat, don’t move to Florida.” After coming to understand the sordid details of his life, I think I understand the saying’s metaphorical import, and how he was mocking Mom whenever he said it. Mom had her own saying: “We cannot change the cards we are dealt.” I think she was somehow talking about Nick—her dealer/lover.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Adnominatio

Adnominatio (ad-no-mi-na’-ti-o): 1. A synonym for paronomasia[punning]. 2. A synonym for polyptoton. 3. Assigning to a proper name its literal or homophonic meaning.


John. Just plain John. “Hey toilet, how’s it going?” “Have you had a flush lately?” “Don’t forget to close your lid.” “Can you make that whooshing sound!” I was ten years old and my friends had figured out to make puns and tease, and hurt my feelings. I tried “Carl the car” on my friend Carl and he just laughed and held his nose and laughed and said “You smell toilet boy!” I had to find somebody with a name I could effectively make fun of. I looked in the phone book.

I found a person named Gooey Binsky. They lived down the block. I made up a taunt: “Are you gooey? Are you sticking with it?” A woman wearing a bathrobe answered the door. She looked really tired and sad. I asked her”Are you gooey?” “Yes.” She replied. “Are you sticking with it?” She said, “I’m trying my best. This skin condition will be the death of me. I have a skin condition that makes my skin gooey. When I have an outbreak, I need to be wrapped in gauze bandages and sit by a warm oven. “Gooey” is me nickname. I hate it, but my dead father gave it to me. He thought it was funny. I’ve kept it to honor his memory. He died in prison for racketeering.”

I felt sick. This poor woman’s life was messed up, and I might have made it an even bigger mess. I ran off her front porch and ran home feeling guilty and remorseful. I went CVS and spent my life savings on gauze bandages. I left them on Gooey’s front porch, rang the doorbell, and ran away. I felt a lot better and did not care any more if people teased me about my name.

Then, the next week Gooey was on the front page of the local newspaper. The headline read: Local Woman Hangs Herself With Gauze Bandages.” She had a note pinned to her; “Thanks to the little boy who gave me these bandages and gave me a way out of my miserable life.”

I felt really bad. I didn’t know what to do. The CVS clerk had identified me and the police had questioned me. They told me I was a “suspect” and not to leave town. Eventually, it was determined that I hadn’t done anything wrong.

People still made fun of my name. I didn’t care any more. In honor of her memory, I had taken Gooey’s nickname and made it my own. There was a lot of teasing focused on it, but the reason behind the nickname was like armor protecting me from the insults.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Adynaton

Adynaton (a-dyn’-a-ton): A declaration of impossibility, usually in terms of an exaggerated comparison. Sometimes, the expression of the impossibility of expression.


“Impossible! You actually made a friend! It’s like Jefferson Davis and Abraham Lincoln dancing together in the Capitol Building to “Born in the USA.” It was still impossible. I had paid a homeless man $5.00 to come home with me and and act like my friend.

I was 22 and still lived at home and had never had a friend. In fact, I’m not sure exactly what a friend is, but my mother told me I’d “be out on the street in one week” if I did not make a friend. Mom was obsessed with me having a friend because of the Carole King song that made having a friend very desirable. Also, Mom had number of “friends” who came over when Dad was out of town on business. They would watch TV with Mom in Mom and Dad’s bedroom. We were sworn to secrecy, or else. Mom would hold up Dad’s hatchet when she said “Or else,” and follow up with “don’t stick your necks out my little chickens.” We were terrorized. My sister Belle wanted to run away from home. I convinced her that Mom would come after her and chop off her head. So, she stayed.

My “friend” told me his name was Bill Gates. He said he made “electrical” things until Jimi Hendrix sucked all juice out of his wires and made him homeless. He said the last electrical thing he made before he was made powerless, was a magic wand that could produce fresh vegetables, and also, be used a a weapon to fight for the “American Way.” I asked him what the “American Way” is and he told me it may be “Way up north to Alaska” or maybe the “way to San Jose.” I never should’ve brought hm home.

Mom asked me what made me and Bill friends. I told her we were men, manly men, men to men, men doing men things together. We picked blueberries, we ran over squirrels, we kicked smaller people, and chased women all over town. Bill raised his hand and said “It’s a lie. We’re not really friends. Your son paid me $5.00 to be his friend. Mom said, “Wait a minute” and abruptly left the room. I could hear her rummaging in the kitchen drawer. She came out holding Dad’s hatchet. She said, “Bill, take a shower and meet me in that room over there. Son, take your fat little sister and get the hell out of here. Come back when you have a friend—preferably male and 6’2”.

It was inevitable. I don’t want or need friends—it’s impossible for me. I guess Belle is sort of a friend, and she had friends too. We lost touch with Mom and Dad. Hen, I saw Mom on “America’s Most Wanted”. She goes by the name of “The Hatcher Waver.” She randomly shows up at bus stations waving a hatchet and yelling “Come home you little bastards, Mommy wants to chop off your heads.” This terrorized the bus patrons. I was thinking about how insane mother had become, when I heard somebody chopping a hole in the front door. It was Mom. She stuck her head through the hole and yelled “Come home!” I ran into the kitchen and grabbed a cast iron skillet. I ran back to the front door and bashed Mom in the forehead. It was over. Sirens screamed as they took her away. That same night they found Dad’s headless torso. They found his head on his car’s dashboard wired into the built-in satellite navigator. I suspect Bill Gates had a hand in that.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Aetiologia

Aetiologia (ae-ti-o-log’-i-a): A figure of reasoning by which one attributes a cause for a statement or claim made, often as a simple relative clause of explanation.


Mr. Rammer: I’ll tell you why I said that! It’s true! That’s what it is: true, true, true! Why would I lie about stealing a box of Pop Tarts? Where is it? In my pocket? Stuffed in my pants? Look in my shopping cart! I went through check-out and paid for all that stuff with my credit card. How dare you follow me to the parking lot with your baseless accusation? I don’t even know what Pop Tarts are. I’ve never even seen a Pop Tart! Get out of my way.

Hannaford Security Guard: Sir, you are lying. I saw you stuff a box of Pop Tarts in your ecologically correct shopping bag. When you saw me following you out of Hannaford’s, you dropped it in the horticulture display over there. You can see the box sticking up from behind the blueberry bushes. If you pay for the Pop Tarts, all will be forgiven. Stolen Pop Tarts cost $20.00, paid in cash to me, or to Rose the geriatric check-out lady. Also, if you prefer, you can pay in scratch-off lotto tickets.

Mr. Rammer: What? Are you crazy? This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of! You big bastard. You want to know why I called you a big bastard? Because you are a big bastard, you big bastard!

Hannaford Security Guard: I tried to solve our problem—well actually—your problem. You’ve committed a crime. You have stolen food from the only nexus of sustenance for miles around. We will donate the stolen Pop Tarts to the food bank, which will help compensate for your crime. Don’t make any false moves. The police are on their way. You are going to jail for “tart-lifting.” Ha ha!

POSTSCRIPT

I was arrested, booked, put in jail, and let out on $400,000 bail. I said it was too much and the judge laughed and reduced it by $1.00. That was a bad sign. I was convicted of shoplifting with a weapon—I had my Swiss Army knife in my pocket. I was also convicted of evading capture by dumping the Pop Tarts. When I had mentioned the $20.00 bribery attempt, I was charged with contempt of court and fined $20.00. I was convicted and sentenced to five years of community service. I wash the jurors’ cars once a week, baby sit for the Prosecutor, trim vegetables at the Hannaford produce stand, and date the Mayor’s disgusting daughter. She is so ugly that dogs whine and put their tails between their legs when she walks by. I am working with a public defender to get my sentence commuted. He calls himself a “public offender.” He thinks I can get off if I go back and pay the $20.00 bribe. It would take us back to “square one” and all will be forgotten. I’ve decided marrying the Mayor’s daughter will fix everything. I asked her. She laughed with her chipmunk sound and told me if I brought her a Pop Tart, she would say yes. She knew that one of the terms of my “lenient” sentence, was that I was prohibited from handling Pop Tarts. 25 years would be added to my already ridiculous sentence. I thought about it and came up with a plan. I went n the dark web and ordered a “fake” Pop Tart. Technically, it would not be a Pop Tart, because fake! It cost $100 and arrived in two days.

I gave it to Rotteta. She said “Mmmm.” as she bit into it. “Yes, yes I’ll marry you” she said. The police burst in: “We’ll take that Pop Tart for analysis.” It was analyzed and found to be counterfeit. I was charged with dealing in counterfeit goods. Those charges were dropped when it was determined that the Pop Tart was a gift to Rotteta.

Once I married Rotteta, all of the charges were erased and my conviction was commuted. Rotteta does the grocery shopping and I run a used car lot in the parking lot of a defunct hair salon. I have kept the salon’s name “Big Rollers.” It suits a car lot, and sales are very good. With my special 2-day bumper to bumper warranty I rarely get stuck.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Allegory

Allegory (al’-le-go-ry): A sustained metaphor continued through whole sentences or even through a whole discourse.


I am toothpaste. I live in a tube on Oak Street. My cap is tight. Squeeze me and you’ll be rewarded with white minty goo. Roll me up at the bottom as I get old and my goo is all squeezed out. Throw me in the trash with used tissues and dental floss.

Now, you will serve to reincarnate me. My soul is already at CVS waiting among the brands—“Icy White,” “Mint-A-Dent,” “Gummer,” and “Mental Dental.” That’s me: “Mental Dental.” You can’t just buy me over the counter. You need a prescription. Dr. Leary (yes, great grandson of Timothy) prescribed it to you after your mother brought you in for a consultation. You were eating newsprint and refused to brush your teeth. It was easy to get you to quit eating newsprint. We soaked it in Habanero sauce. One bight of one shred was all it took. Remember? Your mother tied you to a lawn chair and rinsed your mouth with a garden hose for a week. That was the end of that. You haven’t bitten into a front page for months. But, the teeth were something else.

I needed to be called in as a remedy. Dr. Leary and your mother tied you to the seat of your Troy-built ride-mower. As a distraction, they started it up. You looked down at the choke and Dr.Leary smeared a dollop of “Mental Dental across you lips and teeth. You struggled, but your struggle turned into a smile with you pupils dilated, staring intently at your hand. You quoted James Brown: “I feel good.” You freed your hands and backed the mower out of the garage. You pulled it into zero turn and spun in a tight circle singing “You spin me right round like a merry-go-round, right round.” You kept going until the mower ran out of gas—almost a half-hour. Then, you got off the mower, took off all of your clothes and ran into the woods. You came back later covered with Deer Fly bites and told use about the six-armed goddess you had met when you let her out of a beautifully painted jar you had found on the ground in the woods.

It was clear that I had done job. “Mental Dental’s” ingredients had done the trick. You’ve probably guessed, psilocybin is my main ingredient, followed by morphine. Psilocybin induces hallucinations while the morphines does something else that I’m not sure of.

Anyway, the flood of drugs projects the truth of fiction through the plasma screen of your mind, it does not matter if it’s a lie about toothpaste or God. Its vivacity leaves you awestruck and invites you to read, and act out, the saga of your mind.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Alleotheta

Alleotheta (al-le-o-the’-ta): Substitution of one case, gender, mood, number, tense, or person for another. Synonymous with enallage. [Some rhetoricians claim that alleotheta is a] general category that includes antiptosis [(a type of enallage in which one grammatical case is substituted for another)] and all forms of enallage [(the substitution of grammatically different but semantically equivalent constructions)].


She opened up to his prodding. It was their wedding night and the time was right for doing so. If the truth was not made available on this night, it would be too late. She had told him many lies as she seduced him. Now it was time to share her spleen with him.

Now, a little tired out, Timmy lay there with a silly little smile on his face, partially from the MD-40 and partially from what they were about to do. She said “Wait! There is much I must tell you before we seal the deal.” He said, “Go on my dear. What could possibly go wrong? We are in love!”

I thought to myself “Everything could go wrong!” as I prepared to tell all. I told Timmy “I am not related to George Washington. The wooden teeth were not my ancestor’s idea. Martha came up with the idea when she was chopping parsley. I am just from a regular family residing in Maine who digs clams and sells lobster rolls by the side of the road. It’s called “Good Time Rolls.” They make a modest income during the summer months, and nothing at all during the winter. My sister Sally helps out by walking around the harbor making friends. Father is addicted to Indian Pudding. To stem his urge, he drinks molasses from a hot water bottle he keeps disguised under their bed. It is pitiful to see him in the morning with his lips stained brown and nearly stuck together. Sometimes I take a swig of molasses so he does not feel alone. When it touches my lip I know I could be cursed with the same addiction, inherited from my father. Oh Timmy, is this too horrible to bear?” “Far from it my dear! I find it intriguing and look forward to meeting your family, especially your sister Sally!”

Now it was time for the big one, “Timmy, I made love to 860 men before I met you. I never took any money, just baubles. I have a chest full of wedding rings, signet rings and pocket watches. They are my dowry—yours to do with what you will. I’ve only cheated on you 5 or 6 times. It was probably a mistake, but I couldn’t help myself. The gold watch and rings overpowered my trepidations.”

Timmy looked at the floor and then up at Nell with a beaming smile. “My mother was a whore! My father was addicted to Camembert cheese! We are one and the same, more or less. We will revel together eating Camembert, lettuce, bacon, and tomato sandwiches with Indian Pudding for desert. Think of it Nell!”

Nell thought of it. She needed a shot of molasses. but, she needed to still her longing for the sweet gooey liquid. Already, Timmy was on the phone setting up a “meeting” with her sister. She didn’t count on this, but it was no worse than anything she had ever done.

After he got off his phone, Timmy proposed they move to Maine. She agreed. After their wedding night, they packed their van and headed north. They pulled in at a rest stop in Massachusetts and Nell marched into the men’s room, sat down on a toilet and yelled “Next!” Meanwhile, Timmy was “taking a ride” in the van in the parking lot with a Swedish college student who was touring the US.

When they were through with the rest stop, and got in the van and merged onto the Mass Pike, they both burst out laughing.

POSTSCRIPT

Good marriages are built on firm foundations. Timmy’s and Nell’s was built on their shared inability to control their impulses. This is not a firm foundation. They agreed to have their marriage annulled but live together and share their exploits on a blog called “Fornication Nation” where they enjoy themselves in rest stops and parking lots across America. Clearly, this is a despicable way to live. At some point all of Nell’s baubles will be sold and the “fun” will be over. Timmy told me he’ll get a job in a parking garage. Nell wants to work at a rest stop in California. But, the worst is yet to be known,

Timmy and Nell contracted the same venereal disease, most likely from each other. The disease is extremely virulent and there is no cure. It is fatal.

POST-POSTSCRPT

Tmmy is lying in bed covered with pustules the size of croquet balls. His eyebrows have fallen out. His lips are dripping pus and his urinary tract feels like it is paved with shards of glass. His feet have fallen off, one of his eyes has exploded., and he has grown sizable breasts. Nell is marginally better. She is covered with small pustules that won’t stop itching. Her fingernails have fallen off and her legs won’t stop twitching. Her hair has fallen out and it has been replaced by a giant purple boil that looks like a watch cap pulled onto her head. Her teeth have fallen out and there is a nearly constant flood of foul-smelling ear wax pouring from her ears and running down her chest.

There is a lesson here somewhere. It isn’t “trust your lust.” I am Timmy and Nell’s son. They died disgusting deaths. They were disgusting people. I don’t love them. If you pity them, you are mentally ill.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Anacoloutha

Anacoloutha (an-a-co’-lu-tha): Substituting one word with another whose meaning is very close to the original, but in a non-reciprocal fashion; that is, one could not use the first, original word as a substitute for the second. This is the opposite of acoloutha.


I made my bed, I smoothed my mattress. I was getting up, unready for another day. My head felt like a rusted pitchfork was poking it over and over. Yet, I had to go to work. If I didn’t, I would lose the roof over my head, I wouldn’t eat, my sartorial splendor would whither and die, and my love would become a raging tigress and scratch out my eyes. We were set to be married “pretty soon” and I needed to maintain my solvency. As a cruel and misguided bastard, my plan was to put her to work as a streetwalker and go on permanent vacation. If she sad no, I was prepared to become a rent boy, although I had just turned 33. If I wore makeup, I was pretty sure I could pass for 20. Maybe we could team up!

Anyway, my job was odious. I worked in a laundromat named Bright Linens.” We washed “linens” that had obtained skid marks due to illness, overindulgence, merrymaking, or fear. Our clientele consisted of upper-class sons of royalty: n’er do wells—sons Lords, Dukes and Barons, and scion’s of business.

I was a linen scraper—my job was to scrape the skid mark to prepare the sullied underpants for laundering. My scraper tool looked like a teaspoon. I would brush the scrapings into a barrel alongside my workbench. Once full, the barrel would be taken to a French bakery where it was ground into powdered and made up the principal ingredient of “Merde Buns,” an almost impossible to obtain delicacy, selling for outrageous prices to French emigres and Francofiles.

I resolved to steal a bag of Merde Buns and sell them on the black market. I would be wealthy and I could escape the city with my new wife-to-be. To hell with scraping! The buns were made and ready by 6.00am every day. I went into the bakery disguised as a Kure vicar and grabbed a bag—the Merde Buns Were still warm. I ran out the door and headed to the Black Market. It was a place where stolen and illicit goods were sold. Some of what was sold was the result of robbery and murder. I stood by a guy selling stolen wigs—stolen off the heads of titled women. They had tags like “Princess, hardly used.” I told him I had Merde Buns and he edged away from me shaking his head.

Suddenly, Viscount Flamboo jumped out of the crowd. He had a satchel filled with cash. He had been banned from buying or eating Merde Buns. He had fed one to his neighbor’s auk after it had delivered a ransom note announcing the kidnapping of his hamster Reginald. The auk died almost ss immediately. Over the years, Flamboo had become addicted to Merde Buns. He would die for one. “Give me the buns, and I’ll give you the cash!” He shouted. I handed over the buns, he handed over the cash.

That was it. Now that I was rich by (peasant standards). I got married. As I had hoped, my wife became a streetwalker, but she kept walking one night and I never saw her again. She left behind our little Ned, who works as a street waif, dancing jigs and collecting money in a wooden bowl.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Anamnesis

Anamnesis (an’-am-nee’-sis): Calling to memory past matters. More specifically, citing a past author [apparently] from memory. Anamnesis helps to establish ethos [credibility], since it conveys the idea that the speaker is knowledgeable of the received wisdom from the past.


“Back in the good old days.” What made them good? Like Plato said in his dialogue on interest free loans: “Daracmagoras,” “if it’s old it isn’t true.” He argues that truth is unchanging and timeless and can only exist in your head. Ironically, it makes you believe that it exists “out there.” It’s a lie, and so is our talk about it, which is more of an illusion than a lie. We are persuaded that things are true and we disagree about what is true—it’s all a dream, but it works.

The used car salesman told me: “It has a little rust on the body, but under the hood it’s like a new born baby.” It smelled like it needed its diaper change. I looked under the hood—it looked like it had been used as a kitty litter box. The salesman said he would knock $500 off the price and get it cleaned up, and also, it came with a five-day warranty covering the tires and trunk lock. That reminded me: I looked in the trunk. There was a homeless man eating a peanut butter sandwich and pan handling. I gave him a dollar and told him to go somewhere else. He shook his head and climbed out of the trunk. He thanked me. He had been stuck in the trunk for two days. He said “men with guns” had pushed him into the trunk when he skipped two car payments. The car salesman raised his hands and shook his head, “No, no, no, that’s not true! If it is true, they pushed him into the trunk of the wrong car. I’ll knock another $200 of the price, for all your trouble.” I heard a voice in paint saying “I’ll pay! I’ll pay” from behind the showroom, along with a rhythmic whacking sound.

So far, I had a $700 discount and a warranty on the table. I told the salesman he needed to knock another $200 off the price. He said he couldn’t do that, but he’d could clean the windshield with a special formula and make sure the horn worked properly at no extra cost. I told him it sounded like some kind of scam. He backed off and gave me another $100 discount and a lace-on steering wheel cover, and a toy black cat that went in the back window, and whose eyes were directional signals. That sealed the deal!

The car broke down as I drove it home. The blinking cat had short circuited and started a fire in the trunk. We didn’t have cell phones, but the fire department showed. By that time, the trunk was a blackened smoking mess. They sawed it off. As the sparks were flying from the saw blade, I thought, “It was the damn cat, not the car that caused all this mayhem.” That helped. AAA arrived and towed my car away to “Nutty Putty Collision Repair.” I was close enough to home to walk. As I walked along, I saw a black kitten sitting on the sidewalk. It meowed as I walked past. It looked like the blinker cat who had burned to a crisp in my car’s back window. It followed me home. I let it in and kept it. I named it “Smokey.” He changed my life. I believed I loved him—everywhere, all the time, the same.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.