Eucharistia (eu-cha-ris’-ti-a): Giving thanks for a benefit received, sometimes adding one’s inability to repay.

Thank-you so much for the comb.

Hair is a many-splendored thing. If you wash it, it shines and smells good. You can curl it so it bounces and shimmers. That brings us to combing the hair. Ever since I used my comb last June in Panama to fight off a man who invaded my hotel room in the middle of the night, I’ve been without a comb. I stabbed him in the stomach with it and he ran out the door, leaving a blood trail to the fire stairs.

It was a beautiful tortoise shell comb, with a special pointed handle. It goes easily through airport security and nobody’s ever the wiser.

This comb you’ve given me today is beautifully crafted and beautifully functional. The built-in GPS is a stroke of genius as are the tear gas dispenser and hand sanitizer. It is more than a replacement. It is a new horizon of self-defense and good grooming. I am sure it will save my life someday—maybe in a hotel room in Panama. Ha ha.

When your birthday comes, I‘m going to have a hard time measuring up. The electric hard-boiled egg peeler I gave you last year is a tough act to follow—we’ve been eating hard boiled eggs every day for the past year. I’m thinking of a tattoo gift certificate for you this year. Maybe you could get that ugly rat bastard Kelly’s face on your butt. I’m pretty sure he’ll get to look at it whenever he wants. What do you think?

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (

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