Tag Archives: rhetoric

Chiasmus

Chiasmus (ki-az’-mus): 1. Repetition of ideas in inverted order. 2. Repetition of grammatical structures in inverted order (not to be mistaken with antimetabole, in which identical words are repeated and inverted).


Truths are lies. Lies are truths. Good is evil. Evil is good. I could go on and on with every word paired with its dialectical other. We are caught in a cultural trance. The inversion of goods is a consequence of years of unbridled free speech. When anybody can say whatever they want to say into the internet to be circulated repetitively and globally without the citation of it source, in the guise of reporting a conspiracy, it passes the truth test among masses of people, and motivates collective action among them to act out of fear and anger to put the conspirators down.

The internet is a garbage bump. It is not a clear and rippling reservoir. It may harbor more lies than Hell. Whenever you dip your brain into it, you run the risk of filling it with toxic waste. But how do you distinguish the poison from the cure? Many actual insights garner ridicule and even banishment to their proponents. The Earth is round? Ha ha! Lunatic! Lock him up. Burn him at the stake! What did it take to get “round” certified as the shape of the earth? I’m sure the story is told somewhere, but I don’t know where. Do you? The roundness certified by the view from a spaceship? That’s my point of reference, but who knows for sure? Is it a Hollywood stunt? Some people think so. Are they a paradigm case of healthy doubt, or totally nuts, or both?

Now we come to flat-out lying. Almost daily, some politician is caught lying. When I was a kid, lying politicians would be censured, appear crying on TV, apologize, and tearfully resign. Now, they just tell more, and usually bigger, lies. Or, they admit everything, and don’t resign, and are not censured by their political party. Lies don’t seem to register in public consciousness like they used to. Why? I don’t know.

The right is dominated by zealotry, and frequently engages in righteous indignation. The left has little zeal, even though it avows an interest in resolving significant social issues freighted with moral import. Liberals need to weigh in with more exuberance and less smugness. They need to elect a greater number of liberal yellers—enraged actors, with their own brand of righteous indignation, and an unwillingness to capitulate under any circumstances.

Who are the liberal firebrands? I don’t know. Since nobody readily springs to mind, I conclude there are none. I am probably wrong. Am I irresponsible? Ill-informed? A crypto-conservative? A nit-wit?


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

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Climax

Climax (cli’-max): Generally, the arrangement of words, phrases, or clauses in an order of increasing importance, often in parallel structure.


Me: My foot. My leg. My God! My eye! What about my hand? My ear? What about one of my testicles! Here I am strapped to a table. Here you are laughing and waving a scalpel and a meat cleaver. I never should’ve agreed to come over here and show you how to make beef stew. Why are you wearing that stupid hockey mask? You look like a fiend from a horror movie. I don’t get it. I know who you are, why cover your face?

Answer me!

Fiend: Oh, come on. We both know you can’t be a proper fiend without a gimmick. I know the hockey mask isn’t a new idea, but it gives me a horrific aura based on the intertextuality of the original and my co-optation of its bloody project. Between the two there is an aura of suspense gesturing toward dismembering you, making you into a stew and eating you with French fries, buttered bread, and deep-fried Almond Joy. I had that at the state fair last year, and really enjoyed it. In order to be tidy about this, I will feed the table scraps to my pet pig Melania, named after my Savior’s saintly wife.

Me: What the hell happened to you? And why me? Why am I your victim?

Fiend: What happened to me? Who’re you trying to kid? You know damn well. I was studying to be a priest at St. Plagarismus Seminary in in Rhode Island when I had the vision. I saw myself driving to heaven in a Land Rover packed with naked angels. We were somewhere in North Carolina when I swore at some guy who was going under the speed limit in front of me. I tried to pass, but I couldn’t. One of the angels called God on her cellphone and reported me for swearing. I was “raptured” out of Land Rover and returned to the seminary. When I awoke, there was a naked angel hovering in the corner of my chambers. She was real. She told me that my behavior had earned my expulsion from St. Plagarismus. I was devastated, all I ever wanted to be was a minion. Now, I was nothing, less than nothing, less than less than nothing. So, I decided to become a fiend, and here we are.

Me: I don’t follow you. Your story doesn’t hang together. It’s narrative fidelity is lacking. It characters are undeveloped. From a literary standpoint it is shallow, illogical, vague, and slightly insane. I think you should rethink your story’s trajectory. I think you should free me and we should go to the mall. This would be a more credible consequence of all that’s happened. We can hang out at Starbucks and further discuss your so-called story.

Fiend: Hmmm. Ok. But I’m going to hang onto my meat cleaver just in case.

Me: Ok. Sounds like a plan. Let’s go.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (www.rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Coenotes

Coenotes (cee’-no-tees): Repetition of two different phrases: one at the beginning and the other at the end of successive paragraphs. Note: Composed of anaphora and epistrophe, coenotes is simply a more specific kind of symploce (the repetition of phrases, not merely words).


I was going grocery shopping damnit. I got a cart. I looked at my shopping list. I started to roll. First stop, produce. A bunch of bananas. Iceberg lettuce. Carrots. Potatoes. Baby spinach. There was one avocado left. I turned my cart and headed for it. I felt somebody coming up behind me. I turned around and there was a middle-aged woman rushing toward me. She yelled: “Get back shithead, that’s my avocado. You touch it and you’ll have my shopping cart up your ass!” “Sorry, my avocado!” I yelled. The woman yelled obscenities at me as I took off, almost running, toward breakfast cereals. I’d let nothing deter me.

I was going grocery shopping, damnit. I was not going to let the avocado incident affect my resolve. I’d made it to breakfast cereals. There was a whole aisle stocked with cereal—from Alpine Muesli to Zebra Grunts. Unbelievable! I started looking for my brand: “Uncle Joe’s Organic Grass Clippings.” I looked for fifteen minutes and couldn’t find them. So, I pressed the help button. A teen aged boy came around the corner. He looked at me and said, “We here at Roscoe’s Horn of Plenty are dedicated to feeding you what you like and making sure your cleaning products are where you need them, when you need them..” I asked him where the “Uncle Joe’” was. He told me they had discontinued stocking it because it was determined only one customer was purchasing it. He gave me a gift certificate for “Mover” bran flakes. I tore it up and threw it at him, I grabbed a box of “Organic Sugar Bombs’ and headed for the fresh fish counter. I’d let nothing deter me.

I was going grocery shopping, damnit. “I’ll have a side of cod.” The fish monger said, “There’s no such thing. A cod is a fish, not a cow.” All the fish mongers behind the counter stated laughing and making mooing sounds. I pressed the help button and the same teenager showed up and started spouting the “Horn of Plenty” credo. I jumped over the counter, grabbed a salmon, and slammed it across the wise ass monger’s face. I ran out of the grocery store, taking the avocado with me. I’d let nothing deter me.

I was going grocery shopping damnit. I was on line. Everything was there. It would be delivered to my door. “E-Food” was my new grocery store. I’d let nothing deter me!


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Colon

Colon (ko’-lon): Roughly equivalent to “clause” in English, except that the emphasis is on seeing this part of a sentence as needing completion, either with a second colon (or membrum) or with two others (forming a tricolon). When cola (or membra) are of equal length, they form isocolon.


Me: I am obliged, obliged to tell you. Somebody spray painted their anger on your dog. A snow-white American Eskimo makes a perfect blank canvas for a painted display of ire.

You: My God! What did the miscreant paint on my little Pandora? I can’t imagine what the motive would be. She’s never seriously injured anyone. I muzzle her when we go for walks. She growls and yips, but to no avail, I keep a tight rein. Oh, but she managed to slip her collar yesterday for a few hours when I couldn’t find her. I should’ve mentioned that.

Me: Well, somebody else found her, and they paid for it, I think. Surely, the frank messages on her sides indicate there was an unpleasant encounter, and when she was netted, I am told she growled and wouldn’t let go of the piece of bloody denim in her mouth. On her right side it says “Please euthanize me!” On her left side it says “Beware, I will tear you to shreds!” I was told you may pick her up at the dog pound.

You: I don’t believe it. This a cruel prank impugning my little Pandora’s character. She is a purebred! She bathes every week. She eats gourmet dog biscuits. She is groomed once a month. There are genuine Swarovski crystals mounted on her eel skin collar. Her nails are painted red and she wears a black bow on her head. How could anything so royally treated and beautifully arrayed be such a biting ripping monster?

Me: Wake up! I don’t suppose you remember the time she bit me on the hand when I reached down to pet her. They had to sew my hand back together in the emergency room. It looked like Chucky Doll’s face for a month. I still can’t make a tight fist. I probably should’ve reported Pandora.

You: What? I can’t believe you really said that. Pandora is a happy little fluff ball.

Me: I don’t think so. I think it’s high time you considered putting her to sleep.

At that moment Pandora pranced into the living room, returned from the dog pound. She jumped up, and sat on the couch directly across from me. She was staring at me. She wasn’t wearing her muzzle. The painted slogans were still on her sides.

You: That’s insane—you are no friend of mine. Pandora! Eat him!

Me: Pandora flew off the couch like fighter jet. She was heading straight for my face. I didn’t know what else to do. I pulled out my tactical pen and stabbed her in the throat just as she was going to tear my face off. She gasped and landed in a heap on my lap.

POSTSCRIPT

The police took my used-to-be friend away in handcuffs. Pandora recovered and is currently in a rehab center for homicidal dogs. I have visited her a couple of times. She wags her tail and licks my face—a far cry from tearing it off. My never-again-friend is serving 7 years for attempted murder-by-dog. I don’t visit him.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Commoratio

Commoratio (kom-mor-a’-ti-o): Dwelling on or returning to one’s strongest argument. Latin equivalent for epimone.


Who else is trying to figure out what is happening in American politics, or maybe in American culture in general? We want to be galvanized by truth, instead we are doused with lies, up to our knees in lies that we know are lies and seemingly unable censure their purveyors. People who deserve respect are disrespected. People who deserve disrespect are respected. Racists, misogynists, xenophobes, adulterers, tax cheats, epic liars. They stand in line at the Republican Trough. They wait for their share of the spoils—their loyalty earns them power, and their power makes a difference. What has happened? It has always been this way? What about Civil Rights legislation? The truth prevailed. What about Women’s Suffrage? Truth prevailed. What about Social Security? Truth prevailed. Vietnam? We withdrew.

Now: 2023

Right to abortion? Gone. 70 (or more) people shot dead in public places since January 1. Assault weapons banned? No. Censorship in public schools? Yes. Student loan forgiveness? No. Never.

Blah, blah, blah. Same old crap, right? No. I was there when segregation fell. I saw truth and goodness prevail. Evil’s veil can be lifted and evil put in full view of people of good will; and there are people of good will.

But, you know, one person’s hope is another person’s fear (Stanley Fish). We make choices because we think they’re good. It is good to rob Cliff’s. So reasons the robber. So, the backdrop for all that’s happening consists of conflicted concepts of what’s good and the dialectic of hope and fear. I guess I this isn’t big news. The big news is that change is inevitable. Somebody will win. Divide and conquer.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Comparatio

Comparatio (com-pa-ra’-ti-o): A general term for a comparison, either as a figure of speech or as an argument. More specific terms are generally employed, such as metaphor, simile, allegory, etc.


He: I don’t want to be your patent leather dress shoe. Do you know what I mean? Ever since I’ve read Metaphors We Live By I’ve been spewing metaphors to live by. Think about it: “patent leather dress shoe.” It is too complex to consider now. Perhaps we can consider it the next time you’re treating my like a mouse with cognitive difficulties. Why do you call me your “scallion stallion?” I know I like onions on everything, but I don’t know where “stallion” comes from. It’s a male horse. In that vein, I’m more like Mr. Ed.—like a wise-cracking palomino with a really deep voice.

She: “Stallion.” My college English professor told me it is a metaphor for sexual prowess. Regarding you, it’s not true of you anyway—you’re more like a timid turtle. Many of the girls called my English professor “Popeye.” I don’t know why. Maybe he ate a lot of spinach.

I’ve never read Metaphors We Live By, so, generally speaking, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Would it be like “You’re as dull as a butter knife?” Or, “Hey melon head, why do I waste my time with you?” Oh! Wait! I think I’ve got one: “My boyfriend is a bird brain.”

He: That’s right! The explicit comparison of two unlike things. You compare a bird’s brain to me. You’re talking about a very smart bird—probably a parrot or a magpie.

She: No. You’ve got it backwards: I’m comparing your brain to a bird’s brain—even if it’s a parrot or magpie, you’re supposed to be smarter. Basically, I’ve insulted you, and you’re too stupid to get it; proving my point. is this “living by a metaphor?”

He: Oh. I guess so. What am I supposed to do now? Put on my ramblin’ shoes? Take a hike? Fly away? Pack it in? Get shit-faced and crash? Follow the yellow brick road?

She: Get out of my apartment. That’s not a metaphor. Come back when you’re not such a dripping stalactite. Maybe we can watch a movie.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Comprobatio

Comprobatio (com-pro-ba’-ti-o): Approving and commending a virtue, especially in the hearers.


Life is always more complicated than we want it to be. You are my sheep. My flock. My ensemble of groveling dupes, perfectly situated for exploitation—even as I say it, I know you don’t know what it means, and you’ll do anything I tell you to do. If I had enough red Kool-Aid I could prove it right now. I would put on my special Jimmy J. Sunglasses, tell you to drink, and you’d flop down on the floor, gone to meet your maker.

But we’re not here to test your loyalty to me and your faith in the Big Guy upstairs, rather, we are here to exploit your virtuous desire to do my will in other aspects of our lives. Your pliancy is admirable. Your collective idolization of me is surely the will of God. As long as you take these little pink pills, you will follow, enlightened zombies stumbling along the path to salvation. Please, keep your robes on! Today, we have more important thing to do.

Tomorrow, collectively, by our power and glory, and in the fullness of time provided by Sunday morning, together, all 205 of us will swarm Wal-Mart! We shall remove Satan’s playthings, load them on the trucks waiting outside, and bring them back here to be sorted and sold to sinners on EBay. We will have a modest triumph over Satan, temporarily depriving him of income. You may rightfully ask:

“What will we do with the proceeds gathered from the swarming to further our collective journey on our spiritual path?” Yea, I say unto thee, I have heard the lord’s voice, and he has said: “Build a giant hot tub in the basement Pastor Blotch, and fill it with love.”

Upon hearing this command, I prostrated myself on the floor and sister Louise joined me, and together, we showed our passionate desire to comply, as we rolled about uttering cries of thanksgiving, truly possessed by the divine spirit.

As we swarm WalMart tomorrow, fill your shopping carts and dump them outside by the waiting trucks as fast as you can. Think of the hot tub and the sustenance it will provide here on earth to your carnal body and how it will teach your soul patience as it awaits eternal life. May your virtue prompt you as you do his will. Be compliant. Be unquestioning. Be dutiful. Be swift. Now, go and prepare yourselves to meet Satan’s imps at WalMart and vanquish them with faith-based robbery. May your shopping carts overflow and your harvest be abundant.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Conduplicatio

Conduplicatio (con-du-pli-ca’-ti-o): The repetition of a word or words. A general term for repetition sometimes carrying the more specific meaning of repetition of words in adjacent phrases or clauses. Sometimes used to name either ploce or epizeuxis.


Row, row, row your boat somewhere else! This is a private dock. Time to go sailing, sailing, over the bounding main to the other side of the lake—to your home, home on the shore, where you belong, along with your piece of crap pickup truck. Hurry, before I light your flimsy rowboat on fire and send you to the bottom on the lake like some kind of Viking looser.

My family built this camp in 1779. They had sided with the Redcoats. As known Royalists, they were harassed everywhere they went. So, they built this camp as a getaway. They named it “King George’s Rest” and fished for Walleye, and made Walleye pies, and put on disguises and sold them in the nearby village of Constantia. The men dressed and spoke as women, and the women dressed and spoke as men. If they were caught, they would be hanged. One of my ancestors refused to shave off his beard. He was caught, but the magistrate spared his life after he convinced the magistrate he was an unfortunate sufferer of “Pandora’s Hair,” a malady she picked up working with Tory women when serving them meals in a Continental prison camp. What luck!

My ancestors also made fishing lures and would sell them to punters out on the lake. They made the lures out of small tree branches, sawn straight at either end, and painted to resemble frogs or minnows. The women would paint the lures and attach the hooks. The hooks were made of sewing needles, curved with pounded tips making barbs. My ancestors also invented what has come to be known as the “spinning reel,” a device allowing longer casts, out to where the fish are. The first spinning reel was a was a sawed off musket. The fishing line would be coiled loosely, around the end of the musket’s barrel, the musket would be lifted back over the shoulder and then, holding on, flung forward toward the water, almost like bringing it down like a rake, but not putting it in the water.

Ok, rowboat man, it’s time to turn, turn, turn, or it’s gonna be boom, boom, boom followed by smoke on the water and fire in the sky. Git.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Congeries

Congeries (con’ger-eez): Piling up words of differing meaning but for a similar emotional effect [(akin to climax)].


Me: Liar! Selfish! Deceptive! Bastard! Prince of prevarication! What else can I say? I know you took my puppy Fontana. Give Fontana back now! If I can’t have Fontana, I don’t want to live. This may look like a bundle of dog biscuits, but it’s a bomb. Hand over the puppy you heinous anus.

Ed: You have truly flipped out. I always wondered when it would happen, but I never imagined your stupid puppy would play a role.

Me: Bullshit. Stay close while I search this dump. What’s this in the cabinet under your sink?

Ed: I don’t know what it is.

Me: There you go Mr. Liar! It’s “Purina Puppy Chow”—Fontana’s favorite. Come on, what’s going on here? My BIC is itching to light the biscuit bomb. Tell me what hell is going on, or you’re coming with me to my next incarnation.

Ed: You’re scaring the hell out of me. Today, I don’t want to be blown up. Maybe tomorrow. Ha ha? We’ve been friends since our sandbox days. You’ve always been a bit unstable, but this takes the cake.

Me (lighter lit): 10, 9, 8 . . .

Ed: Ok ok. Look in my bedroom.

I opened the door. There was Fontana with a bow on her head, beautifully groomed, wearing a new rhinestone studded collar, curled up in a new doggie bed, gleefully wagging her tail. My girlfriend Stella was sitting alongside her. I asked Stella what this was all about as I put the BIC back in my pocket.

Stella: It was Fontana’s first birthday and you were supposed to be at work. I have a key to your house. You weren’t there, so Ed and I picked up Fontana and took her to the groomer for her birthday grooming, and then, we went gift shopping at the adjacent pet store. We wanted to surprise you at home. We stopped here on our way back to your house, you came home early, and you showed up here unexpectedly and “caught” us. I’m not sure what Ed wanted to do at his place, although he squeezed my butt cheek yesterday. I thought he was just kidding around—he went “honk honk” when he squeezed it. Anyway, don’t you just love the way Fontana looks?

Me: I wasn’t listening. I was thinking about the bag of puppy chow under Ed’s sink. I felt my BIC in my pocket and looked at the biscuit bomb in my hand.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Consonance

Consonance: The repetition of consonants in words stressed in the same place (but whose vowels differ). Also, a kind of inverted alliteration, in which final consonants, rather than initial or medial ones, repeat in nearby words. Consonance is more properly a term associated with modern poetics than with historical rhetorical terminology.


Dog. Hog. Log. Blog. Fog. Bog. Jog. Duck. Deli. Drawing. Dolphin. Dread. Dare. Drop. Dodge. Ah! The beauty of random words collected together solely for their sound. Somehow, they may provide a platform for creative writing or thought, which of course can be combined, not to mentioned being said out loud.


The dog and hog held a party by the log, lugged up from the beach. I entered this observation in my blog, bowled over by their cooperation. I wondered if they could communicate with each other clearing the fog floating between them there on the bog, beautiful in its own right. I knew there would be something in this to jog joy and circulate happiness around my brain. I picked up my duck David and headed to the deli, defamed and cursed by the vegetarians, who had spray painted a drawing, driven by their anger, of a submarine sandwich holding a dolphin drowning in mayonnaise on a split baguette, with tears in its eyes. I was feeling dread driven by the vandalism, but I had to dare, driven by my hunger, to enter the deli. I was ready to drop down and thank Mr. Mangle for keeping “Meat Masters” open in the face of the protests. Then, I asked if he could make a Dolphin on white with mayo. I was joking. He didn’t get it. He threw a handful of pickles at me. I never had to dodge dill pickles before!

I apologized profusely and paid for the pickles. He made me a Reuben that tasted like it had fallen from heaven. All was well.


There you have it. A really meaningful little story, driven by identical consonants generated before the story’s writing. It helps me a lot to write this way. I have no very good ideas of my own, so the words write me, after I’ve generated them. I read somewhere that James Joyce used this technique when he wrote “Moby Dick”—the story about the giant ape living on an island who was captured and taken to New York City and got involved in the extortion rackets with James Cagney. The ape would punch holes in buildings to force tenants to give him and Cagney all their money. I remember reading it back in ‘68 when I was totally stoned, before I became a medical doctor. I lost my license for gross malpractice, transplanting a mouse’s kidney by mistake. The size of the kidney should’ve been a tip off, but I had lost my glasses and could hardly see. When I dropped the mouse kidney on the floor, it came into focus and I realized what I had done, it was all about my daughter’s school science project, but I shouldn’t have brought the kidney to work where I mixed it up with a human kidney. I told this to my staff and they laughed like it was the funniest thing they ever heard. Luckily, the patient survived. Now, as I said, I’m a writer and part-time laundromat monitor (which I didn’t mention).


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Correctio

Correctio (cor-rec’-ti-o): The amending of a term or phrase just employed; or, a further specifying of meaning, especially by indicating what something is not (which may occur either before or after the term or phrase used). A kind of redefinition, often employed as a parenthesis (an interruption) or as a climax.


Him: Let’s get this straight before we get married (not after) and take it as seriously as humanly possible: your crazy mother will be unwelcome in our home. Her looney ideas are dangerous. Even if you don’t think so, her constant references to love, peace and happiness belong at Woodstock (where she spent “three days of peace and love” back in the sixties), or at a Buddhist commune sitting in a weird position on the stone floor, eating cold rice, chanting, and drinking water. There’s no place for any of this in our lives. Not in our living room or at our dinner table. She keeps trying to make us into Hippie vegetarian renegades—turning our backs on our heritage. Don’t forget, I am an officer in a Militia—Paul Revere’s Night Reapers. We stand for everything right! Intimidation of Minorities! Injustice! Eating meat! Smoking cigarettes, and more!

In addition to everything else, your mother’s wealth is also a corrupting influence. She’s got so much money she can’t count that high. Her hobby seems to be to try to persuade us out of our well considered beliefs—beliefs that are distinctly Conservative and project our absolute right to stand up for the Right and it’s well-considered rejection of tax-payer funded social programs and its regard for the marginalization of educational funding and censorship. We believe in increasing military spending and building more jails. We believe that illegal immigrants should be put to work on chain gangs. We also believe the Christian faith should become the official religion of the United States. Your mother just wants to sing “Puff the Magic Dragon” and love everybody—to condemn our basic beliefs and will probably try to turn our kids into bomb-throwing Commie dupes. We don’t want that, honey.

And last, the way your mother dresses (no matter where she’s going) is totally inappropriate. Although she’s a billionaire, she shops at the Salvation Army Thrift Store. When she goes out, her clothing choices look like a puzzle where somebody pushed pieces together that don’t fit. Like, the other day she was wearing a tiger print blouse, a turquoise square dance skirt, yellow tights with a carpenter ant pattern, and fluorescent orange running shoes. It’s like she’s trying get people to make fun her in some sort of masochistic quest.

So honey, I hope you can see what a lost soul your mother is, and how far off the tracks she’s strayed. We need to figure out how to keep hew away and still have access to her wealth—a real challenge. What do you think?

Her: I can’t believe I ever agreed to marry you. It’s like you concealed your beliefs until you thought I was at the point of no return. Well, I’m not—what I am, is shocked and angry beyond belief.

I think what you just said about money sums it up. You must’ve forgotten that she is my mother. She raised me. She loves me. She has a beautiful soul. And what gives you the right to espouse your crackpot and cruel ideas as if I share them? I can’t believe I ever wanted to marry you, you pompous closed-minded ass. Mom used to sing me to sleep every night with “Puff the Magic Dragon.” I love that song.

So, after your stupid monologue, I’m done with you. There will be no wedding—you are banned from my life you worthless twerp. Please leave.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Deesis

Deesis (de’-e-sis): An adjuration (solemn oath) or calling to witness; or, the vehement expression of desire put in terms of “for someone’s sake” or “for God’s sake.”


For God’s sake, can’t you just tell me where my chrome-plated paper clips are? I got them in Japan on our last trip. It was also her last trip anywhere. I told her not to eat the pufferfish, but she was an adventurer—the kind that end up dead before their time. God, what a catastrophe that was! Especially getting her through airport security. I had to take everything out of my suitcase to to fit her in. You remember the ruckus when she showed up on the luggage screener.

The security person said, “I see you have a dead body in there.” He called his supervisor over and a crowd started to gather. “How did she die?” he asked. I told him she was my wife and she died from eating a pufferfish. He said, “Oh your wife. How tragic and sad. Tell us the name of the restaurant where she ate this illegal dish and you may go ahead.” I told him it was called Fish Bar. He made me pose with you and Mom for his Facebook page. It was gruesome, but we got out of there. Our arrival at Kennedy was uneventful. God only knows why. So please, for the love of God, where are those paperclips? Today’s what would’ve our 26th anniversary. I was going to set a place for her at dinner and decorate her empty plate with the paperclips. Sometimes, she would rather string her paperclips together than eat. Her pride was the hula skirt she made. Boy! Could she hula! Her big joke when we were alone was “Come on I wanna lay you, the grass hut open.” It was in poor taste, but what the hell. When she did the hula, I felt like my life was complete.

May god be my witness, I warned her about the pufferfish possibly being poison. She said, “Honey, if it was poison it wouldn’t be on the menu.”

We’re going to start our anniversary with her two favorite songs: “Tiny Bubbles” by Don Ho and “Crazy Train,” by Ozzie Osborne. At that point my daughter started crying. She said, “I was such a bad daughter. I never told her I loved her.” I reminded her that she was six months old when went to Japan and she couldn’t talk yet, so she shouldn’t feel bad. I told her that at least she didn’t cry during the funeral. I think I’m going to put mom’s urn in the middle of the paperclip circle. It is so pretty with the angels playing accordions on it and the orange flames around the bottom.

We are having a special dinner in Mom’s memory. I got two pufferfish that were prepared to eat by a guy named Stew at the fish market. He said jokingly, if we died, he’d give me a refund. So, I don’t think there’s any risk. My daughter said I was “insane” and she wouldn’t touch “that shit.”

Well, I had a wonderful memorial dinner of pufferfish. My daughter had Raison Bran. I got sick and became paralyzed. I survived and I ‘m perfectly ok now.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Dehortatio

Dehortatio (de-hor-ta’-ti-o): Dissuasion.


Me: “You’ve got to stop with the cannolis. You make me eat two every day at fork point. I know you’d never kill me, but the look on your face says you might. Just because you found out your great-great grandfather was Sicilian there’s really no reason to pump out cannolis every day and make your husband, aka me, eat two every day. The first ones were delicious, and they still are, but they’re making me fat. I’m starting to look pregnant. I’ve got a cannoli bump and it isn’t funny. Don’t worry, I’m not going to give birth to a cannoli.”

“I’m all stopped up too. I haven’t pooped right for two weeks, even though I’m taking Miralax every night and setting off a toilet bowl explosion in the morning, I long for the old non-laxative mornings—I can hardly remember. For my sake, can you quit with the cannolis?”

“Wait! I have an idea! There’s a woman who just opened a store front offering seances! Let’s if we can summon your great great grandfather and ask him what to do.

Wife: “Sure stupido! I’d try anything if you’d just shut up and eat your cannolis.”

We arrived at Madam Stoli’s Friend of the Dead around 9.00 pm. We were ready to get a yes or no from Vincenzo, my wife’s great great grandfather. We gave madam Stoli the required $200 cash and the lights went out. We heard accordion music moving around the room. We were scared half to death. Madam Stoli asked “Are you Vincenzo?” The music got louder, clearly, a yes. Then Madam Stoli set things up: “Vincenzo, your great great granddaughter is here (the music rose). Since she found she is of Sicilian heritage, she started making cannolis and making her husband eat two per day.” The music’s volume dropped substantially, clearly signifying disapproval. “How about 1 every two months?” my wife asked. The volume of the music increased, with added exuberance, clearly signifying strong approval. I felt so relieved!

As we left Madam Stoli’s, I slipped her a hundred-dollar bill and thanked her. Our ruse had worked. I told her I thought the accordion was a brilliant touch, and asked how she did it.

Madam Stoli told me: “I don’t have an accordion or an accordion player, or even a recording of accordion music. Tonight, Vincenzo was here, and he was very helpful.”


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Dehortatio

Dehortatio (de-hor-ta’-ti-o): Dissuasion.


Me: “You’ve got to stop with the cannolis. You make me eat two every day at fork point. I know you’d never kill me, but the look on your face says you might. Just because you found out your great-great grandfather was Sicilian there’s really no reason to pump out cannolis every day and make your husband, aka me, eat two every day. The first ones were delicious, and they still are, but they’re making me fat. I’m starting to look pregnant. I’ve got a cannoli bump and it isn’t funny. Don’t worry, I’m not going to give birth to a cannoli.”

“I’m all stopped up too. I haven’t pooped right for two weeks, even though I’m taking Miralax every night and setting off a toilet bowl explosion in the morning, I long for the old non-laxative mornings—I can hardly remember. For my sake, can you quit with the cannolis?”

“Wait! I have an idea! There’s a woman who just opened a store front offering seances! Let’s if we can summon your great great grandfather and ask him what to do.

Wife: “Sure stupido! I’d try anything if you’d just shut up and eat your cannolis.”

We arrived at Madam Stoli’s Friend of the Dead around 9.00 pm. We were ready to get a yes or no from Vincenzo, my wife’s great great grandfather. We gave madam Stoli the required $200 cash and the lights went out. We heard accordion music moving around the room. We were scared half to death. Madam Stoli asked “Are you Vincenzo?” The music got louder, clearly, a yes. Then Madam Stoli set things up: “Vincenzo, your great great granddaughter is here (the music rose). Since she found she is of Sicilian heritage, she started making cannolis and making her husband eat two per day.” The music’s volume dropped substantially, clearly signifying disapproval. “How about 1 every two months?” my wife asked. The volume of the music increased, with added exuberance, clearly signifying strong approval. I felt so relieved!

As we left Madam Stoli’s, I slipped her a hundred-dollar bill and thanked her. Our ruse had worked. I told her I thought the accordion was a brilliant touch, and asked how she did it.

Madam Stoli told me: “I don’t have an accordion or an accordion player, or even a recording of accordion music. Tonight, Vincenzo was here, and he was very helpful.”


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Dendrographia

Dendrographia (den-dro-graf’-ia): Creating an illusion of reality through vivid description of a tree.


When my wife and daughter, and I moved into our newly built home around 20 years ago, we had a lot of treeless land. The property where the house was built was an old cow pasture—not a tree-friendly use of the land. Although surrounded by forest consisting of maple, linden, white pine, aspen, and tamarack, the field looked treeless. But, there were some tiny trees that had started to grow, since the field hadn’t been plowed for years. They were mostly pig nut hickory born from the giant trees across the road, planted by squirrels and forgotten, and swamp maple with its pretty saw-tooth leaves that turn dark red, almost maroon, in fall. There was also a walnut tree. The deer loved to eat the saplings, but I was determined that they grow.

I found out about deer repellent at Lowe’s. It comes in a gallon jug with a hand-squeeze pump. It’s primary ingredient is rotten eggs. Deer definitely don’t like it. So, I diligently sprayed my little trees. Some of them didn’t make it, but must of them did. Now, they are around 20 ft. Tall. The hickory are the first to change colors in the fall—a nice yellow color. They are still a little spindly, but their ancestors across the road are massive. They’ll get there!

The wnd here blows hard from the west, causing deep snowdrifts in our driveway, making our already difficult winter worse. So, my wife and I planted 20 white pines on the Western border of the property. There were around six inches tall and we got them from the New York State Department of Conservation, as I recall, for hardly any money. In addition we planted a sugar maple, 5 oak trees and 4 hawthorns. Now they are mostly 20 feet tall. They’ve made a micro forest that deer like to sleep in, and at least once, give bath in. The driveway drifts are pretty well remedied, but the trees have provided so much more—like the smell of the pines, the muffling effect of their needles on the ground, the blazing autumn colors, the perching birds—from grosbeaks to hawks, to kingbirds and more.

We have kept planting trees. We have a small apple orchard that yields a few gallons of cider and quarts of applesauce per year—a father-daughter activity that has no parallel in the universe! Trying out different recipes for applesauce is special fun. There is nothing better than an apple tree laden with red ripe apples—truly ornaments: visible signs of the trees’ fulfillment of their end. In addition, we’ve planted birch trees, red bud, balsam, and magnolia, and this summer we planted paw-paw, catalpa, peaches, and chestnuts.

In addition to everything else, our trees mark time. I look out the window, or walk among them feeling the 20 or so years that have passed since we first brought them home, or received them in the mail. So much has happened as they’ve quietly grown, transforming a field into a forest. They’re in no hurry. Neither am I.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Diacope

Diacope (di-a’-co-pee): Repetition of a word with one or more between, usually to express deep feeling.


I am lonely—too lonely—abysmally lonely. I feel like a cactus with ten-foot spines. I wonder how I got this way, surrounded by idiots, fools, and nitwits. Take Allen, for example. He hadn’t shined his shoes for weeks. I called him irresponsible and told him if he didn’t have them shined by the next time I saw him, I would kick his ass up and down the street. Shoe hygiene is at the top of the pyramid of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, alongside self-actualization. I never saw Allen again. He’s probably wearing his disgustingly scuffed shoes and shaking his styrofoam cup for quarters on a street corner somewhere. Bye bye Allen the stain.

Then, there’s my former girlfriend Shiela. I told her if she got another tattoo, I’d throw her out on her ass. She got another tattoo, so I threw her out on her ass. It was a picture of me that she got off my Facebook page. I didn’t care. Enough is enough. She didn’t do what I told her to do—she didn’t do what’s right. How do you have a relationship with a disobedient little twit. She called me and told me we were going to have a baby. I told her “Good. Get my picture tattooed on it.” She started crying. I hung up.

My latest “friend” Arnold wanted to eat at “Lobo’s Steak House.” He really irked me “I’m a vegetarian you cretan!” He replied “We’ve just met. Sorry, I didn’t know.” Then I gave him what he deserved: “You should’ve asked you piece of crap. Get the hell out of here—go eat your damn meat with some other blood-stained creep.” He slammed the door as he left.

You can see from the examples that I have principles and take a zero-tolerance approach to their employment. Maintaining my integrity trumps everything. It is paramount. Being alone and lonely are tributes to my moral authority, no matter how miserable I am. I don’t think Socrates had any friends and he is a pillar of Western morality. Do you think he was happy? Ha ha! He drank hemlock—a poison that killed him. I’m no Socrates, but I can smell a rat, the the rats that keep coming into my life are just that, rats—big rats, stupid rats, shifty rats, rats.

Loneliness is the price I pay to be me. Always right. Never wrong. A pillar of perfection unsullied by unworthy human beings. Some day I will connect with somebody just like me. We will mesh. My “Yes” will be their yes. My “No” will be their no. We will be parts of the same string on a violin. We will both say “potato.”


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Dialogismus

Dialogismus (di-a-lo-giz’-mus): Speaking as someone else, either to bring in others’ points of view into one’s own speech, or to conduct a pseudo-dialog through taking up an opposing position with oneself.


Me1: Me me me. Ha ha! How do I address you, Me? I’ll just give you a number—you can be Me2, I will be Me1. We better not do this out loud. It could appear like a symptom of something. We are clearly divided into 1 and 2, but I don’t think that’s a problem. The basic idea is for you, aka Me2, to disagree with me, Me1.

Me 2: Why do I have to disagree with you?

M1: Because your disagreement tests what I think, forcing me to find good reasons to back up what I think. There may be something hidden that Me1 can’t see, but Me2 can see. This isn’t a simple literary device as dialogue was for Plato, where his Me2 is set up as an idiot to further his purposes. Look at Polus in Gorgias! Total idiot who Plato authored to strengthen his own case. Yet, for a time these dialogues passed for transcriptions of actual conversations! In some circles they still do. Most people who believe that rhetoric is “mere” and plays on the emotions, is some kind of linguistic seduction that “sweetens” speech’ so the sweetness is gobbled up—so the speech is swallowed with no regard for its truthfulness, affect the concept of rhetoric Plato presents in the Gorgias. This idea has been operative in Western thought since it first became Western. But, no matter the outcome, under a more expansive idea of rhetoric, all of Plato’s dialogues are rhetorical—they want to persuade you. What do you think M2?

M2: Bullshit. Plato is pursuing truth using dialectical hair-splitting to knock his opponents down and make them look like fools. It does not matter that the “characters” he presents are his own creations. They are representative of “types” we are all too familiar with—especially, the wannabe tyrants haunting contemporary politics.

And, you know—I’m getting bored with this asinine dialogue thing, and especially being designated as Me2–like Me Too, and as the Grateful Dead sang, “set up like a bowling pin.” I mean, this is all taking place in a single head. At best, it’s wondering, at worst it’s you making a learned display of yourself, but solely in your own head. There’s at least another 50 Me’s you could conjure to play this dumb-ass game. When you’ve satisfied your hope and Me1 is through, having arrived at insights worthy of a philosopher, what are you going to do with them? How will you wind them around your soul and ensure your actions accord with truth, justice and all the rest? Is it knowledge that will make you straight? Or, is it belief? You may know something is wrong, yet you’ll do it. On the other hand, belief mobilizes caritas—affections: hope, fear and a pointed sense of the future and it’s contingency. It may invite decisions drawn around consequences that are uncertain, unlike knowledge that stops at certainty, bereft of consequences, vested in being right as a substitute for being good.

Me1: Your wig has flipped Me2. It is time to shut this auto-conversation down. it frightens me that there is such incoherent drivel resident in my head. In fact, you frighten me, especially if you aspire to trade places with me!

Me2: Maybe I should. Here we are working at the “Golden Bubbles” car wash in Reno, Nevada. Remember, you were dismissed from the University of Maine for padding your travel expenses and selling counterfeit parking permits to undergraduate students. We have been hitch-hiking ever since. All this academic navel gazing is going to get us nowhere.

Me1: Maybe we could become a pimp! Prostitution is legal here and I think we could make a good living.

Me2: You are hopeless. Whatever it is, I’ll ride it out with you, but I’m done conversing. Don’t talk to me. I won’t answer. Why don’t you find an actual human being to talk to, or check into the Washoe County Mental Health Treatment Center, or both?

Me1 (yelling out loud): Traitor! Sophist trickster! What will mother say? Where the hell are you? Those parking permits were planted in my briefcase! Damn you Me2!

Postscript: Former Professor Wilde was led away from the car wash in handcuffs, yelling at an imaginary person. He was admitted to the Washoe County Mental Health Treatment Center.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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Dianoea

Dianoea (di-a-noe’-a): The use of animated questions and answers in developing an argument (sometimes simply the equivalent of anthypophora).


Where are we going? Where have we been? Someplace? No place? A place with a name? A country? A state? A city? A desert? A beach? A river? A canyon? A restaurant? A theatre? A library? A cemetery?

There are millions, of places and things with names. I would go so far as to say that everything is named—half of knowing something is knowing it’s name, at least we may think so. But without a name it is almost impossible to meaningfully share—“this thing” and “that thing” accompanied by pointing at “it” is vague, and for abstract concepts it is impossible to point, so we make up definitions. They are good, but not as good as the shorthand saying of a name provides. I mean “good” here in terms of economy and clarity. And maybe there’s a difference between the definition and the meaning of a word. Also, we may derive meaning from our unique experiences, contributing to the chaos of human conjoinment which requires shared understandings. This is where understanding comes into play, where agreement is not sought—but “seeing a another person’s point of view the way they see it, without agreeing with it.” (or something like that)

Maybe the keyword that drives humanity is love. I think, if there is a hierarchy of goods, that love is at the top. There’s Justice, honesty, and a whole constellation of other goods, that love includes, and in some ways props up love as much as it includes it. But, at times they may enter into conflict with their others. For example, I would lie about my wife’s whereabouts to save her from a maniac bent on murdering her. So, so much depends on circumstances and the hierarchy of goods as it is particularly deployed—lying trumps telling the truth where the truth would facilitate murder. But we all know our situation is encircled by innumerable points of decision where the road to choosing is blocked by “what if” and all its variations as obstacles to projecting a livable future—a future that can only be imagined until the decision is made.

But no matter what, in due time, everything is contestable. That does not mean we should contest everything, but we should bear in mind, as Stanley Fish said “One person’s hope is another person’s fear.” There’s no getting around conflict. In genuine relationships it’s inevitable, and it may rightfully lead to ending a relationship, or to deepening your affection, or a billion other things.

No matter what though, love should shimmer on your life’s horizon like the Northern Lights. When you have the chance, you should move toward that beautiful horizon with every step you take.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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Diaphora

Diaphora (di-a’-pho-ra): Repetition of a common name so as to perform two logical functions: to designate an individual and to signify the qualities connoted by that individual’s name or title.


Me: Billy, Billy, Billy. You old Billy goat. Meh! That’s your call, as you hunt for deposit cans and bottles along the road shoulder. I remember when you were somebody, and we went down street side by side. We started college together at the newly inaugurated community college. You had been hanging out since we finished high school. I was a Vet. The government paid my way to college. You had dodged the draft, but your parents agreed to pay for school. More power to you I thought—you didn’t have to go through the shit that Vietnam afforded. But after one semester, you dropped out. You said it was boring and you were too old. I forged on, all the way to a PhD and became a professor at a pretty good university. I raised a family, I lived a good life.

Now, here we are, rounding the bend to the end of our sojourn here on earth. I have a pension and a paid-for house and vacation home. My daughter went to College and lives in San Francisco now. My wife is a professor, she writes books, and smiles at me and cooks us amazing meals.

And here you are are, 76 years old, trolling for deposit cans and bottles like some weird hobbyist rounding out your collection. But you’re not a hobbyist. You’re what they call a “homeless man.” It’s winter, and you don’t have a warm coat. Instead, you wear 2 sport coats over your faded Iron Maiden t-shirt—it must be 40 years old! You live under a pile of blankets and comforters stuffed in the refrigerator box, dragged from behind Home Depot, that shelters you until it falls apart and you have to replace it—maybe every two or three months.

What the hell happened Billy?

Billy: You sanctimonious piece of shit. You think you know me better than I know myself. Look, life is complicated. I had a pretty good job driving a fork lift at the Best Buy warehouse. I was happy. I had a girlfriend and we were saving up to buy a home and get married. One night I saw a guy I worked with loading 70” plasmas into his van. I confronted him and told him I would inform on him if he didn’t put the plasmas back. The next day they found 3 plasmas in my car. The guy I had caught had planted them there.

I was sitting on my forklift when he and the boss came toward me and stopped in front of my forklift. The thief pointed at me and nodded his head. I raised my forks and roared toward them. I impaled them both in one shot. I was convicted of involuntary manslaughter. I served 12 years in prison. My life was over, completely shattered. When I got out of prison I couldn’t get a job. So, I became an ‘independent contractor’ working with discarded ‘redeemables.’ I live on the margin. I have no savings or friends, although I have a pet raccoon named Leila who curls around my head at night, keeping my ears warm.

End of story.

Me: Holy shit! You should consider becoming a monk! You get free housing and food, and all you have to do is pray a lot and make beer or jelly. You get a free monk suit, including sandals. Beyond that, I don’t what else there is, like television, arts and crafts, etc. If you’re interested, I’ll drive you to the monastery in Carmel and I’ll take your raccoon off your hands too! What say? My car’s parked up the street.

Postscript: Billy hit me in the forehead and knocked me out. When I awoke there was a 20-something mugger standing over me with his foot on my chest. He demanded my wallet. When I reached for it, it wasn’t there. I crawled back to my car. As I was getting in, I saw Billy. He was wearing a new black overcoat. He saw me and came over and apologized. He gave me back my wallet, and nothing was missing. He told me he took it for safekeeping. I asked where he got the coat. He said, “I stole it from the Salvation Army Store.”


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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Diaporesi

Diaporesis: Deliberating with oneself as though in doubt over some matter; asking oneself (or rhetorically asking one’s hearers) what is the best or appropriate way to approach something [=aporia].


“Think about it.” My father said that about pretty much everything I said. I’d say “Please pass the mashed potatoes.” He would tell me to think about it. When I got older, I told him I had a girlfriend. He said, “Think about it.” I told him I needed a new winter coat and he told me to think about it. Once I asked what what “think about it” means and he told me to think about it. As you can imagine, it drove me crazy, but I couldn’t tell him or he would tell me to think about it.

If I treat my father’s “think about it” charitably, it is an invitation to contemplation; to wonder about nearly everything, and that, in turn, might make me a philosopher. It might also make me crazy, deliberating with myself, which, is, in a way bizarre. It means that there are multiple me’s that may be in conflict with each other. Do I have an integral self? How do I integratemy being, or am I doomed to a cacophony of voices competing for primacy in the play of my thoughts? Or, is this what my self is? The conflict coordinator? But, as coordinator, my self must have an aim, or is the aim to cultivate conflict. Think about it.

I had developed the habit of locking myself in my room and thinking about it. I would come down for dinner. One evening, my mother asked what I was up to and I said “Think about it.” My father glared at me and said “You think about it.” I said “No! You think about it.” He stood up and kicked over his chair. I did likewise. We stood there glaring at each other for around two minutes. I had to pee, so I turned and started toward the stairs, toward the upstairs bathroom. He yelled “Think about it!” as I climbed the stairs.

I yelled “I’m not thinking about anything you pitiful bastard! Oh wait! I am thinking about something—I’m thinking knocking you on your ass and kicking you until your internal organs explode. But, don’t worry, it’s just a thought.” I made my way upstairs, back up to my room, and I thought about it. Then, I tried to light the house on fire with my gas-powered lighter that I used to light my bong. I got a nice little blaze going in my wastebasket. Then, I thought about it. I carried my wastebasket into the bathroom, put it in the tub and doused it with the hand-held shower.

Now, I’m a resident in “Rugged Mountain” in-patient mental hospital. My therapist, Dr. J. Locke, has told me to think about it. I told him that’s what got me here in the first place. He said, “Ah ha! Think about it!” I can’t find a way to stop thinking about it—no matter what it is. I just wish I could shut up the voice in my head. I blame my father for my mental woes. They’ve asked me to participate in testing a new drug that has great promise for curing what I have. I’m thinking about it.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

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Diasyrmus

Diasyrmus (di’-a-syrm-os): Rejecting an argument through ridiculous comparison.


I was minding my own business, sitting on a park bench with my index finger in my left nostril, trying to dislodge a particularly stubborn booger. I had never experienced something like this before. Two days of the squeaking sound my nose made when I inhaled. I tried everything—blowing my nose, spraying my nostril in the shower, a dinner fork, a screw driver, a knitting needle, Japanese chopsticks, a coat hanger, a toothpick: everything I could find to stick up my nose. On day four, I made an appointment at the ENT Clinic. I was going to see Dr. Nosifer, winner of the 2000 “Nosy,” an award given to the Rhinologist “most devoted to ending mouth breathing.” He was top of the line.

I had come to the drastic conclusion that I should have my nose amputated, so I would be free of the booger. I figured I could wear a Groucho Marx glasses disguise to cover up, and conceal, my missing nose. I had tried a pair on at Spencer’s Gifts in the mall. I felt like they made me look like a man of mystery. “Bond, James Bond” I said as I adjusted them.

The nurse called me in to Dr. Nosifer’s office. As we greeted each other and shook hands, I was freaking out. He was wearing Groucho Marx disguise glasses. He made no attempt to explain them. He said: “I see you want your nose amputated to remove the recalcitrant booger lodged in your left nostril. I can tell you, this is like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Ha ha! You idiot! It is like jumping off a building as a shortcut to the first floor. Ha ha! It is like spilling toxic waste so you can clean it up. Ha ha! It is like walking across broken glass barefoot to save your shoes. It is wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong!”

Me: “So, what should I do then?“

Dr. Nosifer: “Ha ha! Now we’re getting someplace!”

He reached in his shirt and pulled out a very small silver spoon on a delicate silver chain. It’s handle was elaborately decorated with an entwined art nouveau vine motif. He reached in his pants a pulled out a similarly decorated vial. He popped open the vial’s lid. The vial was filled with white powder. Dr. Nosifer scooped out a level spoonful of the white powder. He told me to tilt my head back and, without warning, thrust the spoon with its white powder up my left nostril where the criminal booger resided, and at the same time, punched me in the stomach.

The booger made a popping sound as it flew out of my nose. Dr. Nosifer yelled: “Now put your finger on your right nostril and make an inhaling snorting sound with your newly cleared left nostril!” I did as he told me. Suddenly, I felt euphoric, energetic, talkative, mentally alert, and hypersensitive to sight, sound, and touch. It was amazing. I took off my clothes. I ran around the office naked. Dr. Nosifer yelled at the nurse to take me downstairs. I fell down the stairs. When I got up, I saw that I was in a well-furnished room and I wasn’t alone. The nurse told me, “This is the recovery room for the Doctor’s patients.”

I spent about 2 hours “recovering.” Then, I went home with a clear nose and a clouded conscience.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). 

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Diazeugma

Diazeugma (di-a-zoog’-ma): The figure by which a single subject governs several verbs or verbal constructions (usually arranged in parallel fashion and expressing a similar idea); the opposite of zeugma.


I went out the door, down the steps, across the sidewalk, and down the street to the corner. The parade was coming. I was sure of it, but I was the only one there. I was always the only one there, but I knew if I kept hoping and believing, some day the parade would come.

I had a clear picture in my head of what the parade would consist of: the Mayor in the lead, antique automobiles, fire trucks with firemen throwing candy, drummers, police with rifles pointing in the air, clowns in little cars, farm implements, snow plows, people dressed in silly costumes, like ducks, ghosts, candy bars, baby bottles. And there would be military veterans, school teachers, doctors and dentists, and lawyers carrying copies of the US Constitution, a swimming pool with a mermaid, skate boarders, hippies smoking drugs, a cage full of raccoons, and finally, a full-sized scale model of the atomic bomb that was dropped on Hiroshima.

Then I heard a bugle! Surely this was the parade’s herald. I ran up the street toward the sound. It was a homeless man struggling to play “Taps.” It sounded more like “craps.” I thought I was pretty funny, then I noticed his legs were missing. I put 25 cents in his styrofoam up and said “Thank-you for your service.” He yelled: ”Yeah I lost my goddamn legs for no goddamn reason. Save your thank-you for your mother when she passes the mashed potatoes you ignorant prick!” I apologized, but he hit me on the head with his bugle.

The blow knocked me out. I woke up in a big cardboard box under a thin smelly blanket. I had amnesia. I was lost. I do not remember a single thing except waking up. My amnesia was mild, my memory came back almost immediately and I crawled out of the box, stood up, and headed home, or at least where I thought my home was. It was frightening when a woman answered the door in a pink bathrobe with giant curlers in her hair. I asked her how to get to the police station so I could report myself as missing. She offered to take me and she invited me inside while she got dressed.

As soon as I got through the door, she opened her bathrobe like giant pink bird wings, and flapped them. She was naked. “Do you want some of this?” She asked. I said, “Yes.” I never got to the police station. She’s a little older than me, but we get along really well. I hope I never remember where I lived.


Definition courtesy of Silva Rhetoricae (rhetoric.byu.edu)

A paper edition of The Daily Trope, entitled The Book of Tropes, is available for purchase on Amazon for $9.99 USD. It contains over 200 schemes and tropes with definitions and examples. There is also a Kindle edition available for $5.99.

Dicaeologia

Dicaeologia (di-kay-o-lo’-gi-a): Admitting what’s charged against one, but excusing it by necessity.


My wife bought me a bidet for Father’s Day, or I should say the downstairs bathroom. It is made in France. Somebody told me that “bidet” means “crack spritzer” in French. I doubted that crack spritzer was true, so I took the time to look it up and found out it means “spincter fountain,” although it cleanses the entire crotch—anus and genitals. Anyway, I prefer to think of it as the “Dream Sprinkler.”

My bidet has a remote control. a heated seat, a blow dryer and a turbo washing option. The heated seat has driven me to spend an inordinate amount of time on the bidet. The temperature is just right—not too hot, not too cold. It reminds me of sitting on a warm sidewalk, in the summer, growing up in New Jersey where everything was beautiful and I had yet to get involved in crime—that happened when I was twelve when I sold stolen merchandise that had “fallen off a truck.” Yes, we actually said that as part of the sales pitch. At any rate, the warm sidewalk feeling was overpowering. I felt like a kid again.

When I got up early in the morning and the house was cold, I headed for the bidet and the heated seat—the sweet heated seat. I would pull down my pajamas, get centered and slowly sit down. Ahhhh. Just right! I had a TV and bookshelves installed in the bathroom. I would read or watch TV while I waited. Sometimes I would have a cup of coffee to help things along. Then, if things were moving really slowly, my wife would bring me breakfast, usually bran flakes, and serve it on a TV tray table.

Finally, there would be a windy trumpet blast, things would move, and I’d be done, except for the turbo rinse, the pièce de résistance. Picking up the remote control with a trembling hand, I press the turbo button. The bidet makes a whirring-clicking sound, and let’s loose with a steady powerful stream of warm water. Yes! Warm water! Seeking out and hosing away the fragments of excrement left by the main event. Now, it is time to activate the blow dryer. The bidet makes its whirring-clicking sound again. Then, the warm swooshing breeze begins. It’s like riding with your head out a car window on a hot summer day, like you did when you were a kid, before they started making rear car windows that only go down half-way. I put the remote on the stool by the bidet and sit and enjoy the warmth of the seat for another half-hour.

Some people say I’m crazy for spending so much time with my bidet. I admit that’s an easy conclusion to draw, but when I am seated on the heated seat, I am riding in a maelstrom of memories, making new memories of the sensual pleasures experienced every morning by the bidet’s glorious fulfillment, which are only partially fulfilled by a standard toilet and the barbaric and disgusting practice of cleaning yourself with a piece of paper. Who wouldn’t spend four hours every morning in the bathroom, taking heed of the warm enchanting call of the bidet? Surely, I would die without my beloved bidet. Please try to understand. I will not go quietly you paper-wiping oafs.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

A paper edition of The Daily Trope, entitled The Book of Tropes, is available for purchase on Amazon for $9.99 USD. It contains over 200 schemes and tropes with their definitions and examples. There is also a Kindle edition available for $5.99.

Dilemma

Dilemma (di-lem’-ma): Offering to an opponent a choice between two (equally unfavorable) alternatives.


Boss: Making choices is what we’re all about. I say yes. You say no. I say maybe. You say certainly. I say, you better agree with me or I’ll kick your ass. You say, you and who else. Look, you can have your ass kicked, or find a job somewhere else. Look at me—i work out every day from 7:00-11.00. My biceps are bigger than your thighs. Your arms are like broom sticks with hinges. Mine are like tree stumps with fingers. I will pound you into the ground like a tent stake and use your head as a swivel stool. You better just run away to your mommy baby boy and hide behind that stupid baggy dress she wears all the time. There she is over there, coming our way, waving her cast iron skillet. She should be in the kitchen with that thing. She is too stupid for words.

Worker: I’m gonna fight for my job, Cold-hearted Boss. You know damn well there aren’t any jobs within a thousand miles of this place. Even though I work here, I’d rather work somewhere else—making mop handles 12 hours per day 7 days a week makes me want to puke, but it is a job. The income is meager, barely enough for my family to afford one meal per day, and a bad meal at that: a bowl of cabbage soup and a crust of bread. My children are all bowlegged and my wife is saggy and cranky all the time. Our younger son, Milo, fell off the back of a wagon and was run over and killed by Lord Helmsly’s speeding carriage—he was late for his weekly poker game. He blamed my little boy..

I learned Karate when I was in the Queen’s service stationed in Japan. It is deadly. Most likely, I will kill you with two or three blows. Or, my mother will whack you with her cast iron frying pan, leaving you with a cracked skull and dimwits. Step over here to this level ground and we shall commence our fighting.

The fight: Boss started toward the level spot to fight his worker. The worker’s mother jumped out from behind a tree, whacking Boss on the side of his head, cracking his skull and turning him into a drooling idiot. Boss became the mop handle factory mascot and would grovel for bits of candy carried by the workers in their pockets.Worker kept his job. His mother was sentenced to one month in jail for “over aggressive self defense.”


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

A paper edition of The Daily Trope, entitled The Book of Tropes, is available for purchase on Amazon for $9.99 USD. There is also a Kindle edition available for $5.99.

Dirimens Copulatio

Dirimens Copulatio (di’-ri-mens ko-pu-la’-ti-o): A figure by which one balances one statement with a contrary, qualifying statement (sometimes conveyed by “not only … but also” clauses). A sort of arguing both sides of an issue.

Protagoras (c. 485-410 BC) asserted that “to every logos (speech or argument) another logos is opposed,” a theme continued in the Dissoi Logoiof his time, later codified as the notion of arguments in utrumque partes (on both sides). Aristotle asserted that thinking in opposites is necessary both to arrive at the true state of a matter (opposition as an epistemological heuristic) and to anticipate counterarguments. This latter, practical purpose for investigating opposing arguments has been central to rhetoric ever since sophists like Antiphon (c. 480-410 BC) provided model speeches (his Tetralogies) showing how one might argue for either the prosecution or for the defense on any given issue. As such, [this] names not so much a figure of speech as a general approach to rhetoric, or an overall argumentative strategy. However, it could be manifest within a speech on a local level as well, especially for the purposes of exhibiting fairness (establishing ethos[audience perception of speaker credibility].

This pragmatic embrace of opposing arguments permeates rhetorical invention, arrangement, and rhetorical pedagogy. [In a sense, ‘two-wayed thinking’ constitutes a way of life—it is tolerant of differences and may interpret their resolution as contingent and provisional, as always open to renegotiation, and never as the final word. Truth, at best, offers cold comfort in social settings and often establishes itself as incontestable, by definition, as immune from untrumque partes, which may be considered an act of heresy and may be punishable by death.]


I was floating in a tube down a river in Texas, near where there’s a pig that dives into a spring-fed lake. Aquarena Springs is where Ralph the pig makes his dive to the great delight to those who come view him, some from 100s of miles away. Some say Ralph is very smart, even saving his earnings in a pension fund. Some say that the pension idea is insane—they yell “He’s a pig for Chrissake!” There’s a fact that could easily resolve the dispute: Ralph’s bank and pension account statements.

Ralph’s master is very strict about money. He adamantly refuses to make any kind of financial disclosure whatsoever. Many people are comfortable with not knowing how much Ralph makes. They say “It’s none of our business.” Other people say, “I am paying this pig. We are told that his salary has a significant impact on our community—not to mention the park that is built around him.” Other people ask, “What gives you the right to dig into the pig’s personal business?” Then, as the conversation developed, it came up that maybe Ralph’s master had something to hide. After all, he was Ralph’s spokesperson. It was curious that we never hear directly from Ralph, it’s always through his master. Then, a pig farmer from Dime Box chimed in: “Y’all are missin’ an important fact: Pigs can’t talk. Mostly, they make a snofflin’ sound that has come to be known as ‘oink oink’.”

Now we were really suspicious of Ralph’s master. All along he was fooling us into believing he was passing along what Ralph had said. Having been duped, the crowd became very agitated and began calling out Ralph’s master. Some of the older people in the crowd wanted to “shoot him in the gizzard” or “hold a necktie party” in the mall parking lot on the outskirts of town.

Things were getting out of hand when Ralph’s master stepped out of the shadows. He had Ralph on a leash, and a .9 mm Beretta in the other hand. He looked drunk. “How’d you like me to make Ralph into ham, bacon, and pork chops you bastards?” He pointed the gun a Ralph. Buck Jones jumped out of the crowd and tackled him. The gun went off when he hit the ground, and he shot himself in the thumb. He dropped the gun and got up, bleeding and still holding Ralph’s leash. But Ralph pulled himself free and took off running toward the bridge over the river. He was going to dive!! Clearly he would die on the rocks below.

Ralph’s master ran to the bridge yelling “No, no, no!” Ralph backed away. His master knelt down. He was talking to Ralph and Ralph was nodding his head in agreement. The crowd stood there awestruck with their mouths hanging open, silent. They were witnessing a miracle. Not only could he dive, but he could actually talk too.

Ralph’s master told the crowd: I have reached a agreement with Ralph regarding the disclosure of his finances: After deductions, last year Ralph made $5,000, all put in his retirement fund. Ralph started shaking his head “No” and jumping up and down, and angrily oinking. His master cracked: “Ok, he made $500,000 last year and I took it all, and I don’t give a shit. With that, the crowd surged forward and the pig farmer from Dime Box asked Ralph if he wanted to eat his master. Ralph vigorously nodded “Yes.”


Definition and commentary courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text by Gogias, Editor of Daily Trope.

A paper edition of The Daily Trope, entitled The Book of Tropes, is available for purchase on Amazon for $9.99. There is also a Kindle edition available for $5.99.