Accismus

Accismus (ak-iz’-mus): A feigned refusal of that which is earnestly desired.

We all have something to be grateful for, but offering me a drumstick goes far beyond what I merit, which is probably a wing. We both know that the drumstick is my favorite part of the turkey, but I can’t accept it. What have I done to deserve it?

I paid to have your roof replaced and hand grips installed in your tub. I paid for Dad’s cremation and bought you a new car and fishing boat for Little Timmy.

But none of these things merit the drumstick. I have lots of money and I’ve spent lots on you. None of my spending is any kind of sacrifice for me—a key criterion for judging the merit of deeds, and their reward. If I had given you my kidney when you needed one last fall, that would be meritorious. But I had to go on a business trip to Thailand with my secretary. Instead, Little Timmy was your kidney donor. When your cat Mew-Mew died, I didn’t lift a finger to help you replace him. I hated Mew-Mew. In fact, I hate cats in general and always hoped that Mew-Mew was in the driveway when I backed out my car. I have no merit. I don’t deserve that beautiful golden brown Turkey limb. Give me the wing! Keep the drumstick for Little Timmy. He is so much more deserving than I. He should have the drumstick and a pile of white meat too.

But, on the outside chance, with the odds 100-1, if you can summon the rhetorical power of Abraham Lincoln, and the forgiveness of Jesus, and the compassion of Mahatma Ghandi, and insight of Albert Einstein, and the moral compass of Plato, and try t persuade me, I may bend my beliefs and allow myself to accept the drumstick, eat the drumstick, and feel blessed.

POSTSCRIPT

He grabbed the drumstick and ate it like it was his last meal. Everybody at the table thought he was a puffed-up self-absorbed jerk. His “Drumstick Acceptance Speech” went on so long that the mashed potatoes got cold.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu.

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