Monthly Archives: April 2022

Mempsis

Posted on April 6, 2022 | Comments Off on Mempsis

Mempsis (memp’-sis): Expressing complaint and seeking help.

Since I started getting old, my butt has started shrinking. It used to be like a big baked ham. It provided a cushion to sit on no matter where where I was—on the rocks by the ocean, at a wooden picnic table, on a bar stool, on a park bench. Since my butt has more less disappeared, sitting on any of those hard surfaces has become uncomfortable, almost to the point that I’d rather stand. Shore rocks are especially difficult, as well as quarried blocks. I’ve taken to carrying a small round pillow that belonged to my mom and held a prominent place on our living room couch. She left it to me in her will with a cryptic message: “Don’t fear the surface.” Evidentially my butt-shrink malady was hereditary. Although the pillow is great, there’s another shrunken butt problem that I think I’ve solved.

When my butt was like a baked ham, it provided a sort of shelf for my pants to rest on. Now that my butt has diminished, the shelf is gone and my pants have started falling down. When I bent over or squatted my butt crack showed. For example, a few weeks ago, I squatted down in the grocery store to grab my favorite cereal off the bottom shelf. I felt a cool breeze and a woman started yelling at me, covering her eyes, and calling me a “dirty old butt flasher.” A crowd gathered and somebody threw a loaf of Italian bread at me. It was humiliating, and painful too.

So, I tried tightening my belt three notches, but all that did was cut off the flow of blood to my kidneys. I also tried smaller pants—they were uncomfortable, especially on my man parts: if I moved the wrong way, it was like I got shot in the crotch. Besides, my pants still managed to inch their was down my hips and I couldn’t pull them up because they were too tight. Here’s my solution: suspenders! I always wondered why people wore them. Now, I know why: to gracefully manage the symptoms of the terrible physical condition I relentlessly suffer from: Dwindling Butt Syndrome (DBS). The suspenders will keep my pants up. I made this discovery last Christmas when I took my granddaughter to the mall to see Santa Claus. When he got up to get a drink of water, I noticed he had diminished butt. I saw that he had a big pillow on his Santa Throne. I understood that. But what I didn’t understand was how he kept his Santa trousers up in the face of his case of DBS. So, I asked. He said, “Ho, Ho, Ho, son. See these babies?” He stuck his thumbs behind his suspenders, pulled the suspenders out, and snapped them. “Get yourself a pair of these, and your pants will stay up like your butt has regenerated.” Santa smiled and handed me a little candy cane, and gave one to my granddaughter too.

Well there you have it. Santa gave me a tip for life that was the best Christmas gift I ever got. Even though I am deeply grateful to Santa, I’m considering having my butt cheeks pumped full of collagen.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Merismus

Posted on April 4, 2022 | Comments Off on Merismus

Merismus (mer-is’-mus): The dividing of a whole into its parts.

Not every whole has parts, but can you call something a whole if it does not have parts? What about Moses parting the Red Sea? Or, me parting my hair? Then there’s the bomb that blows things apart. Dividing a whole into its parts implies that it has parts in the first place, and the division is of concepts or entities that are correctly construed as the bound-together ensemble ‘making up’ a given whole.

In discourse, there are many good reasons for dividing wholes into parts. And also, from a different perspective, assembling parts into wholes, like an IKEA adventure, or a Christmas dollhouse, or stringing beads onto a necklace. But that’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about wholes. Their division makes things easier to remember, for speaker and listener. It gives a discourse the sense that it’s going somewhere as each part lapses and fades into the next. In addition, the part/whole division gives the discourse a suspenseful aura by building in the anticipation of what’s next by proffering previewed parts. Let me demonstrate:

This is an orange. It is spherical, and guess what? It is orange. Ha ha. It has four parts: the skin, the fruit, the seeds, the stem. I’ll be covering each part in the order I just listed them. So first, the orange’s skin. . .

If you think about it, you can divide just about anything into parts, even if it makes you bitter, angry, and depressed. Take my first marriage, for example. It had three parts: 1. We got married, 2. She cheated, 3. We got divorced. See, I don’t even need to go into detail to give you a clear picture of what happened. Now, let’s look at my most recent business catastrophe: 1. I took out a government-backed small business loan, 2. Nobody wanted popcorn coconut smoothies, 3. I went bankrupt, 4. I am in debt up to my ass until 2030.

Well, there you have it. You know the old saying: If you have the parts you have the whole. This in itself can be a further employment of the part/whole strategy: you can deter people by showing them they don’t have the parts: If your shoe does not have laces, you can’t go for a comfortable walk. So, forget it. Oh, I can sell you some shoelaces. How badly do you want to go for a comfortable walk? A lot? Not much? Not at all?

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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Mesarchia

Posted on April 3, 2022 | Comments Off on Mesarchia

Mesarchia (mes-ar’-chi-a): The repetition of the same word or words at the beginning and middle of successive sentences.

I started lifting weights. I started lifting my spirits. I started lifting myself! I made a contraption like a swing on a pulley. I would sit on the swing and pull myself up by the swing’s rope. I called it “Joey’s Pull-a-Muscle.” I got to the point where I would time each pull, trying to break my own record each time. In order to increase the challenge, I decided to put on weight by eating cake and pie and three large double-cheese Domino pizzas per day, with sausage, bacon, meatballs, and smoked shad toppings. After 6 months I went from 220-340 pounds. I bought a 5x spa towel and made Tick Tok videos of myself when I wasn’t lifting or eating. I got 600 likes for my “Seduction” video—in the video I slowly lifted the hem of my spa towel while wagging my finger and shaking my head “No.”

Then I met a girl on Tick Tok. She said she had been watching me and would love to come over to my apartment and pull my rope some afternoon. What she said sounded slightly sexually suggestive, but I was game for anything. So, I invited her over the following day at 1:00 pm. I would try to take a shower in preparation. Unfortunately, I got stuck in the shower. I stood there, wedged in, all night long.

Then, at exactly 1:00 pm there was a knock on my door. I yelled to her to come in. I guided her to the bathroom with my yelling. When she arrived at the bathroom door, I was stunned. She was wearing one of those inflatable a sumo wrestler suits, fully inflated. She pulled me out of the shower. I put on my spa towel and we sat on the couch. By the way: she was quite attractive: black hair, brown eyes, nice ears, straight teeth, small feet. That’s all I could see with the sumo suit covering her up.

“Would you let me pull your rope now?” she asked. Then it hit me—I had seen her face in the newspaper! Her name was Beth Grisley and she was being sought in connection with the brutal stabbing and dismemberment of the professional wrestler Two-Ton Tommy Tompowski! I stood in front of the open window and yelled “Come and get me!” She grabbed a steak knife off the coffee table and came running at me. At the last second I stepped aside. She would’ve flown out the window, but the inflated sumo suit wedged in the window. I called 911 and soon everything was settled.

As the dust settled, I thought to myself, never again will I invite a stranger over to my apartment to pull my rope. Never again will I make Tick Tok videos. As soon as I lose 100 pounds, never again will I get wedged in the shower.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Mesodiplosis

Posted on April 2, 2022 | Comments Off on Mesodiplosis

Mesodiplosis (mes-o-dip-lo’-sis): Repetition of the same word or words in the middle of successive sentences.

I started making plans a month ago. I am making this banquet a spectacular event. You’ll be making it even better if you come! The tablecloth alone is worth it. I took a cooking class at the community college. Although I only got a C- my professor told me that my cooking is “interesting” and if I want to be a fast-food chef, I would probably “ have an impact.” I asked her what she meant by that and she told me that “many people would feel the effects” of my cooking. Using the famous MacDonalds two-sided grill, I will be cooking eel, alligator, and free range Urban Pigeon. The pigeon will be marinated in olive juice and stuffed with popcorn and bread crusts. The eel will be wrapped around a short length of 1” pipe and secured with bread package twisty closures. The eel will be slow roasted and basted with a mixture of maple syrup, gin, tomato sauce, pounded anchovies and raw clams run through a blender. The alligator will be kept intact. We’ll need 6 grills to cook it. Mmm. Imagine the smell. The alligator will be stuffed with Taylor Ham, peeled hard-boiled duck eggs and blue cheese. As a humorous touch, I’m putting an expensive running shoe in the alligator’s mouth. For eating utensils, everybody will get a foot-long switchblade knife. In addition, everybody will receive a glow in the dark bib. You may be wondering “What’s for desert?” Well, nothing special. Just a ten-foot high tiered cake with four small chocolate escalators ascending the cake’s pyramid-like sides. The cake will be topped by an ancient magic lantern holding some of the essence of the goddess Hebe— the Geek goddess of youthfulness. When the lantern is lit everybody will look younger and a wild time will ensue. A perfect ending for a perfect banquet.

As soon as I get out of the hospital, I’ll be sending out detailed invitations. I was bitten by an alligator while I was foraging in the Everglades for fresh organic food. My gun jammed and the alligator took a piece of my hand and swallowed my Glock, which went off in his throat and made him mine. He’s a 12 footer. He may be though, but I’m tougher.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Mesozeugma

Posted on April 1, 2022 | Comments Off on Mesozeugma

Mesozeugma (me’-so-zyoog’-ma): A zeugma in which one places a common verb for many subjects in the middle of a construction.

I thought I was a Pharaoh —I was aways posed in profile with a snake sticking out of the front of my hat, a pleated skirt, hippo skin sandals, and the good old crook and flail—indispensable accessories for the ruler of this world. I live in Florida, outside Miami. The climate allows me to exercise my Egypto-hood without freezing in the winter time like I did up in New York. I had to wear a bulky down coat that made me look silly by covering my torso but leaving my snake-hat exposed. I looked like Eddie Bauer on his way to a costume party. But now, I’m running for mayor of Surfside. I’m running on the platform that we should build pyramids as a tourist attraction and a Yul Brynner museum and library, devoted to his career as an actor, and also a research facility devoted to the study of (not cure of) male pattern baldness. We know this much: Mr. Brynner found his way trough life when he shaved his head at the onset of his own baldness. Since then, countless balding men have shaved their heads, not knowing that it was Yul who paved the way, making head-shaving a normal practice for middle aged men, making it attractive, manly, and shiny.

Anyway, when I win the election I will institute Egyptian rules, but we won’t have slaves. The citizens of Surfside will pay me monthly tribute and loan me their legal age daughters for weekend trips to Miami. I think I will make a good ruler, benevolent, but not a pushover, really nice but not a weenie. Wish me luck! Please don’t mention this to my neighbor Moses. After the election, I hope he leaves Surfside and gets off my back once and for all.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99. A Kindle edition is available for $5.99.

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