Category Archives: heterogenium

Heterogenium

Heterogenium (he’-ter-o-gen-i-um): Avoiding an issue by changing the subject to something different. Sometimes considered a vice.


You want to know where I was all night last night? You keep asking me that question. What is it with you? You remind me of my mother. When I was in high school I’d stay out all night from time to time. I walk in the door at breakfast time and sit down at the kitchen table and ask her to make me scrambled eggs and sausage. She threw a glass of orange juice at me and hit me over the head with her iron skillet.

It knocked me out. She called 911 and an ambulance took me to the hospital. I was in a coma for a week and when I woke up I had a serious case of amnesia. I didn’t know where I was. I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know anything. I was lost. I wandered around for five months. I spent a lot of time at the playground sliding down the sliding board over and over again. Then suddenly, when I was eating a slice of pizza, everything came back to me in a rush.

I actually remembered my name—Vinny—and my favorite baseball team and what my mother had done to me. It made me mad—real mad. I had been living on the edge of hell—a cipher without an identity or a purpose. I took the skillet out of the cupboard. I was going to bop my mother over the head so she would know what it was like to be a zombie. Then, I remembered.

When I stayed out all night, she never asked me where I was. I didn’t have to explain. She didn’t like that I stayed out, but she didn’t care where I was. That saved her from a skillet over the head.

Do you get my drift honey?


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Heterogenium

Heterogenium (he’-ter-o-gen-i-um): Avoiding an issue by changing the subject to something different. Sometimes considered a vice.


Her: I could kill you, you feckless excuse for a man! Why don’t you do something aside from playing your stupid electric trains?

He: “Feckless?” Wo, that’s a good one. You never called me that before! It’s one of those hoity-toity words that projects a degree of sophistication reserved for the tastes of the over-educated. I applaud you on your choice of words. If I had a glass of champagne, I’d toast you thusly; A picture is worth a thousand words, but sometimes, a word is worth a thousand pictures.” Voila! Feckless!

Yes, it’s all about my electric trains. They endlessly shuttle my nightmares in circles, in boxcars bulging with the remnants of my hope packed in crates of misunderstanding. And then, carrying nothing nowhere—always looking new, wheels polished, lights shining in the dining car, a headlight cutting through darkness searching for the Plastic Ville Station, where they never stop, unless I turn off the power.

ONE WEEK LATER

Her: You’re still feckless, but now, you’re a source of pity rather than anger and frustration. I’ve found an organization that was founded to help people like you. It is called “Model Trains Anonymous” (MTA). It is an organization like AA for people with a model train problem. It was founded by the family of Casey Tomes, a 19 th-century railroad engineer who was “hooked” on his model trains. He was killed in a train wreck due to being distracted reading “Model Train Aficionado” when he should’ve been paying attention to the tracks ahead. He rear-ended a disabled train on the track ahead. He was killed. He was buried in his engineer hat, with a small model train set circling his body in his coffin.

As an MTA member You will be required to abstain from model trains. You will be able to talk about your abstinence and your struggles with it. If you don’t start attending MTA, I am leaving you. “Salami” Manelli has made me an offer that I’m struggling to refuse.

He: This is shocking. Especially the Salami thing! He’s a big fat mobster. It is rumored that he clubbed a punter to death with his penis. That’s totally disgusting, not to mention the logistics of doing so. God! What have you done to yourself? Let’s go to Vegas for a couple of weeks and shake this shit off. We owe it to ourselves to be happy honey. I love you.

Her: Ok. Viva Las Vegas! I’ll go on Orbit and buy our plane tickets, and Hotels. Com for a room with a jacuzzi.

He: Yeah! I have to clean my tracks before we go. Thank you for your patience. I love you.

POSTSCRIPT

She went down to the garage and got the chain saw. She would clean the goddamn tracks!

She went back inside, she started up the chainsaw, and sawed up his model trains, the tracks and the terrain—including Plastic Ville. As her husband fled, she called Salami asked him to have her husband hit by a train. Salami laughed and said “That’s ironical. Can do,”


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Heterogenium

Heterogenium (he’-ter-o-gen-i-um): Avoiding an issue by changing the subject to something different. Sometimes considered a vice.


Honey, you say I lied, but my dog Chrono is wagging his tail rapidly. If we could teach him to measure increments of time he would make an excellent metronome ticking and tocking musical beats. His tail is like a whip. When I’m wearing shorts and he gives me a wag on the leg, ouch, it hurts! So, we must harness his wag power; put it to use for the good of humanity and the well-being of my household.

I pondered the wag. Chrono’s tail pointed in the wrong direction for stirring. But then, I realized I could make him a sling and turn him upside down over pots and pans and say “Good boy” and he would start wagging/stirring. After the sling was ready, we mounted him up over a pot of green pea soup, which was rather thick and needed vigorous stirring. I said “Good boy” and Chrono went at it. His tail hit the sides of the pan and made a ringing sound. Quickly, the soup was so well-stirred it became frothy.

I removed Chronos from his sling and poured a bowlful of pea soup for each of us. My wife was first to sample it, and she spit it out. “This tastes awful!” I tasted it and spit it out too. I had never tasted a dog’s tail, but the soup was suggestive of wet dog—of bath water left in the basin after a dog’s bath. Disgusting!

Why wife’s brother was “Inflato the Clown.” He was fairly famous around Toronto birthday circles. He could make a balloon into any shape—from pirate ships to tigers, or, apples to zebras. From certain activities I engage in with my wife, I got the idea of putting one Inflato’s balloons over Chrono’s tail, shielding whatever he was stirring from the taste of dog’s tail. Inflato had the perfect ballon. He used it to make wiener dogs, blimps, and torpedos

The balloon was easy to install: stick the tip of Chrono’s tail in the opening at the end, roll the balloon up Chrono’s tail, secure it with a wire twisty. Voila! The soup is protected from the tail’s foul flavor. It was time to try it out. We put Chrono in his sling, affixed his balloon, and lowered his tail into the soup. I said “Good boy.” Nothing happened. I said it again. Nothing happened. I suspected why he would not wag, but I did not say anything. Instead, we put Chrono to work stirring non-edibles without his balloon, mostly washable paint and lithium grease. We’ve also taught Chrono to be a metronome which is a much more effective use of his wag than stirring.

We rigged him up with a ticktock generator and he works for a piano teacher right in our town. He sits on the piano, marking time, a skill he has learned through extensive operant conditioning: with dog biscuits, petting, and endless good boys.

Two days ago, I was listening to music and working on my lawnmower in my garage. Blue Oyster Cult’s “Burnin’ for You” came on the Bluetooth player. Chrono stood up, looked around, and started dancing. He circled, and dipped, and jumped and dragged his butt across the floor. I was stunned. I’ve hired a dance coach with the intention of putting Chrono on tik-Tok. He is a remarkable dog. I hope you’ve found Chrono’s “tail” entertaining.

After I told “Chrono’s Tail,” my wife forgot she had accused me of lying, and we went on with our happy life. Chrono wagged his tail.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Heterogenium

Heterogenium (he’-ter-o-gen-i-um): Avoiding an issue by changing the subject to something different. Sometimes considered a vice.


The police officer asked me if I knew how fast I was driving through the School Zone I had just passed through. I told him “If I studied hard, I could probably learn.” I though I was really funny. The cop didn’t. He said, “Ok wise guy, out of the car.” I got out of the car and stood there waiting to be shot or beaten up. The cop asked me: “Are you taking drugs?” I answered, “Sure, what are you giving?” The cop put his hand on his gun. “Get in the police car,” he said in a very angry voice. I said, “Ok, do you want me to drive?” He pulled out his gun and pointed it at me: “Get in the fu*king car shithead.” I promptly got into the car. Sitting in the back seat behind the wire mesh, I said “Your police car smells real good, like my mother’s perfume.” He yelled “shut up!”and turned on sire ..

Getting back to what had started my trip to jail: I did know how fast I had been driving in the School Zone. I had been crawling along at 15MPH—the speed limit. So what’s going on here? I am a “Goader.” I drive people in authority over the edge. I employ the strategy of being “passively annoying” focusing on the relational dimension of communication (verbal and nonverbal) with those people in authority who invite goading. I guess you could say, I’m disrespectful of authority. That’s why I became an anarchist.

It all started with Bob Dylan and “The Times They Are a Changing.” The world was turning upside down. I was experimenting with Lucky Strikes and nudy-nudy magazines. I found them perfectly acceptable, although people in authority told me they would ruin my life—make me into a coughing sex fiend. I thought to myself, “So what? What’s wrong with that?” When my mother found my magazines, she rolled one up and beat me with it. I pretended I enjoyed it and she beat me even harder. I had goaded her. I found that power and control are a two-way street. The tables can turned by acting like you don’t care—that you are unaffected, that your response may be irrelevant, like laughing at being spanked,.

Once, when my boss asked me “When are you going to get off your ass and do something?” It was probably a rhetorical question—he wasn’t expecting a response. This is fertile ground for a goad! I answered: “I stand for lunch. Your treat?” He tried fire me, but he couldn’t because I had photos him and Ms. Strabo in the basement, and they weren’t taking inventory, unless you do it naked laying down. The boss’s wife would surely maim him if she found out. Anyway, my response sent the boss to flip-out-ville. He was about to throw a stapler at me and I yelled: “A picture is worth a thousand words.” He knew exactly what I meant and dropped stapler.

I’ve started running workshops for powerless people. The workshops are titled “Golden Goads.” I’ve been quite successful teaching my students how to briefly turn hierarchies on their heads. No matter how brief they last, they let their overseers know that hey are vulnerable—that power is granted, not achieved.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

An edition of the Daily Trope is available on Amazon under title The Book of Tropes.

Heterogenium

Heterogenium (he’-ter-o-gen-i-um): Avoiding an issue by changing the subject to something different. Sometimes considered a vice.


He asked me what I was doing in a place like this. I told him I owned it and he told me he was from Yonkers. Then he told me the snow outside was beautiful. I told him he was full of shit and probably wanted to talk about his new living room furniture, or some thing like that. I asked him if he wanted a drink and he told me the bar stool was very comfortable. I asked him if he knew how to give a straight answer. “I could ask you for a job,” he said. I told him I might have a position. He told me he was lonely and wanted to spend time with me outside the bar, in the parking lot, in his car.

He was cute. Black hair, tall, thin, blue eyes, nicely dressed, trimmed beard. But I thought he was crazy—the way answered questions, or should I say, didn’t answer questions. I could imagine if I asked him if he loved me! What would he say? “I had fish ‘n chips for lunch.” But, he wants me to go out in the parking lot and get in his car with him! I am a little crazy, but I told him there was no way I would go outside with him to his car, besides, I was in charge of the bar and couldn’t leave it. I also told him I wouldn’t do anything like that with anybody anyway. I had a reputation to maintain at “Prima Donna’s” if I was to keep packing in the customers.

He told me he had a “relevance” problem that he picked up when he was working for the government. He was trained to give irrelevant answers to all question. This was for national security reasons. “Irrelevance” was a key tactic for maintaining secrecy and thwarting the United States’ enemies from obtaining sensitive information. Since he couldn’t tell who were friends and who were enemies, irrelevance soon became a ubiquitous feature of all of his speech. As a consequence he became alone and isolated, unable to build a conversational bridge between himself and everybody he met. All of his relationships ended in catastrophe after 10- or 15-minutes. Some ended worse than others. One time, a date he met on “Woo Woo!” asked him whether she should park in his driveway when she got to his house. His answer was “I had fried eggs.” At first she was confused, so she asked again. He said, “My dog’s name is Pete.” She became angry, pulled in the driveway, got out of her car and hurled the bottle of wine she had brought through the front door’s storm door window. He went running outside, shook his fist, and yelled “My tropical fish need feeding!” His date did a lawn job, peeling across his front yard, leaving two deep ruts and torn up grass behind her as she sped away. He chased her and ran into a stop sign on the corner of his street, doing $2,300 damage to his car, a used Tesla that he’d flown all the way from Massachusetts to California to buy.


Now he is in the process of trying to get disability compensation for his condition—for his “irrelevance syndrome.” The “Syndrome” it is, for all practical purposes, impossible to treat. First, there is no record of “irrelevance” being induced in any government employee, including CIA. Second, with his condition as it is, no progress whatsoever can be made, because everything he says is irrelevant to any questions that are asked by medical doctors and psychotherapists. He is best at angry monologues that are prompted by medical personnel sticking pins in his hands. But Still, although coherent, they are irrelevant—ranging from bird watching with his mother to watching “Magnum P.I.” reruns in bed.

A mild breakthrough has been made recently. Getting him drunk and giving him a pack of Marlboro 27s enable him to capture brief moments of relevance. For example, two days ago he was asked what two plus two equals. In a drunken voice, he said “I don’t know what for.” His use of the word “for” is a homophone for “four.” The Doctors and Psychotherapists say this is a clear bridge to relevance. They will be jointly authoring a research paper titled: “Building Bridges with Nicotine and Alcohol: The Case of Government Agent X.” Agent X is nearly always drunk and smokes three packs of cigarettes per day. I have taken pity on him and will be hiring him at Prima Donna’s. It is probably a stupid move, given his malady. I’m going to have him in work in the basement shining beer, wine, and liquor bottles. Maybe some day he’ll snap out of it and we meet in his car in the parking lot.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

An edition of the Daily Trope is available on Amazon under title The Book of Tropes.

Heterogenium

Heterogenium (he’-ter-o-gen-i-um): Avoiding an issue by changing the subject to something different. Sometimes considered a vice.


A: Where did you get that watch?

B: I’ve been at it all day. Watching birds. I saw seven species. The best was the pileated woodpecker. I don’t know what pileated means. I bet it is important. They are gigantic and they sound like a jackhammer when they’re banging on a tree. I love birds, except for pigeons.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

An edition of the Daily Trope is available on Amazon under title The Book of Tropes.

Heterogenium

Heterogenium (he’-ter-o-gen-i-um): Avoiding an issue by changing the subject to something different. Sometimes considered a vice.


You ask me why I “insist” on lying, lying, lying all the time. First it’s not true, and second, you are the one who’s lying.

The only things I do “all the time” are eat, sleep, poop, and urinate. And I don’t actually do those things all the time. I just do them every day, night, and morning.

Talking about eating, nothing beats a good meal (and a couple jumbo cups of Diet Coke) at great restaurants like MacDonald’s or KFC. Every time I eat a Big Mac with cheese, and a jumbo order of fries, I feel like I’m ascending to heaven—I can hear angels singing “Have a second order of fries.” And KFC! The 16 piece meal, including 4 large sides and 8 biscuits, supposedly feeds 8. I can put it away with a couple of Diet Cokes in five minutes. That’s no lie, ask Melania.

I have to pretty much take her by gunpoint to my fast food favorites. She says they smell like Slovenia and remind her of the unpleasant things she had to endure to settle in America. By the way, I wish people would leave her alone about the beautiful garden she made at the White House. The rumors that the flowers keep uprooting themselves and dying—committing suicide—rather than remaining planted in the garden, are hard for us the live with. We cry together watching the FOX News reports about all the dead plants. Melania thinks it is Democrat-trained groundhogs, possibly equipped with military grade stealth technology, making them invisible. She says they probably have battery-powered chips in the backs of their fat little necks that send vision-blocking rays at our eyeballs.

Anyway, I’m glad I could be here today. I enjoy talking about myself, and also, about my perfect wife. See you at the voting booth in 2024. Help Make America Great Again, again—with Rudy, the My Pillow Guy, newly implemented voting restrictions, and all the wonderful militias, we can do it!


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

An edition of the Daily Trope is available on Amazon under the title The Book of Tropes.

Heterogenium

Heterogenium (he’-ter-o-gen-i-um): Avoiding an issue by changing the subject to something different. Sometimes considered a vice.

News Reporter: Most people believe you took your sweet time getting emergency measures up and running to deal with the Corona virus. Nobody that I’ve talked to has seen it any other way–even your staunch allies on Fox News. They say it was like you were standing in cement waiting for it to dry. What happened?

Donald: Well, being President is like playing golf–you want to make the fewest swings possible on your way to the final hole. I am an avid golfer, as you know, and I am committed to taking as few swings as possible. So, if I can just do one thing to go from point A to point B, I am doing what I think I should be doing: hitting a hole in one.

I’ve only hit one hole-in-one in my life. It was beautiful. My first child was conceived that night. I wanted to call him “Player” Tump after Gary Player, but my wife wouldn’t hear of it. We named him Eric after some soap opera star she adored at the time, and incidentally, who she had an affair with. It broke my heart, but provided me with a whole new supply of insults coauthored on gin laced weekend with Howard Stern–brilliant man. He’ll be wearing a Medal of Freedom soon!

News Reporter: Ok, I understand. I don’t know what to say. You make about as much sense as a drunken duck.

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

There is a print edition of “The Daily Tope” available for $9.99 on Amazon under the title The Book of Tropes. There is also a Kindle edition available for $5.99.

Heterogenium

Heterogenium (he’-ter-o-gen-i-um): Avoiding an issue by changing the subject to something different. Sometimes considered a vice.

News Reporter: Some people believe that having Steve Bannon on your staff is a sign of your tacit support for his his “alt-right” politics which have been characterized as a sort of white-supremacist nationalism. Given that, and recent events in Virginia, are you considering terminating him?

Donald: I have a “right” (he ha) to appoint–where would I be if every appointment in my administration had to be vetted and approved? I’d be alone up here and the government would come to a standstill!

Now, somebody ask me a question really worth answering.

 

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99.

Heterogenium

Heterogenium (he’-ter-o-gen-i-um): Avoiding an issue by changing the subject to something different. Sometimes considered a vice.

News Reporter: Some Republicans say you’ve built a wall between yourself and the rest of the Republican party. What’s your take on that?

Donald: There are walls and there are walls. Let me tell you about the wall I know the most about! It’s a big tall wall along the Mexican border. It will keep out the illegal immigrants, drug smugglers and gang members that are wreaking havoc all over this once-great country of ours.

After I win the election in November, the first thing I will do is build the wall. And you know what? Mexico is going to pay for every inch of it–from San Diego, California to somewhere in Texas, they’re going to pay for every inch! Believe me!

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

There is a print edition of “The Daily Tope” available for $9.99 on Amazon under the title The Book of Tropes. There is also a Kindle edition available for $5.99.

Heterogenium

Heterogenium (he’-ter-o-gen-i-um): Avoiding an issue by changing the subject to something different. Sometimes considered a vice.

Old Liberal News Reporter (Olnr): Now that you’ve lost the primary election to a college professor, are you considering reading a book or maybe getting an honorary degree somewhere so you’ll have a better chance of winning an election when you come out of hiding in a few years?

Erik Kant (E.K.): Well, Olnr, watch me on TheBlaze TV! 1.00 pm right after Pat & Stu. My program’s called “Still Snooty.” I’ll be doing in-depth analyses of the rise and decline of the American Empire.

Olnr: Isn’t that line of analysis begging the question E.K.?

E.K.: Well Olnr, if you don’t want to end up begging in the streets, call Goldlined Gold Mine today and order your Mind Your Own Business Medallion! Made of five ounces of 100% genuine pure Yellow Lustrium®, the obverse of the medal features a fairly accurate profile of the soon-to-be Emperor of the Republic of Idaho Maximus Convalle Innuo.* The reverse features an image of a plucked eagle and the inscription: “Reparo Aurum.”

Olnr: Hmmm. Uh, well um, we wish you . . .

E.K.: . . . a Merry Christmas? Ho! Ho! Ho! Don’t forget to watch me on Still Snooty! Do yourself and your other self a favor, and order up a bagful of Mind Your Own Business medallions! And whatever you do, don’t tread on me, or thin ice, or the Beltway, or dog poop. Eat lots of red meat and Caesar salad! Stock up on toilet paper, canned goods and roof racks! Reparo aurum! Wear a toga.

Olnr: Uh, ok E.K., whatever you say.  Hey, I hear  sirens coming our way, so I guess it’s time to bring this segment of Left Wing Moderate Brainwash to a close. Any last words for the viewers before you’re “assisted” by our friendly team of Médecins Sans Frontières medics who’ll safely render you to the quiet solitude of the United Nations basement where you will enjoy a brief all expenses paid drug induced coma topped off by a one-week “trip” courtesy of Dr. T’s Learycillin® and a private one-to-one meeting with Noam Chomsky?

E.K.: Well a big YO to all you Frank Buck Power Rangers out there! Until our next incarnation, totsiens and don’t ever forget that SHE wore blue Velveta® gloves and carried a diamond studded Slim Jim® between her teeth. And for that . . .

*Loosely translated: Supreme Glen[n] Beck[on]

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

Heterogenium

Heterogenium (he’-ter-o-gen-i-um): Avoiding an issue by changing the subject to something different. Sometimes considered a vice.

Friend: Well Mark, it looks like Facebook took an about face for the US government and turned its back on my privacy!

Mark: Well, there’s privacy and then there’s privacy, and, on that note I’d like to make something  public right here and right now! Priscilla lost five pounds on the Facebook weight-loss program!

Friend: Weight-loss program?

Mark: Yes, that’s right! It’s an exciting new Facebook feature that is rolling out next week. We’re calling it “Friend your way to a new figure!”

Friend: Wow! I can hardly wait to tell my all my friends!

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

Heterogenium

Heterogenium (he’-ter-o-gen’-i-um): Avoiding an issue by changing the subject to something different. Sometimes considered a vice.

Question: “Are you for or against ‘stand your ground’ laws?”

Answer: “I’m for fair and balanced discussion. Let’s talk about what ‘fair and balanced’ means.”

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

Heterogenium

Heterogenium (he’-ter-o-gen-i-um): Avoiding an issue by changing the subject to something different. Sometimes considered a vice.

Was I at Roxy’s last night with your wife? That’s beside the point–your wife, my wife, anybody’s wife–I can’t believe how hard it was to find a place to park! You know, long-term, I think we need more parking–free parking–all over the city. That’s what I’m going to push for in my reelection campaign–free parking! Now, let’s grab a beer and talk about my campaign.

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

Heterogenium

Heterogenium (he’-ter-o-gen’-i-um): Avoiding an issue by changing the subject to something different. Sometimes considered a vice.

You want to know why I forgot your birthday? That’s not the right question. The right question is: Who ran over my golf clubs in the driveway? They’re destroyed!

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)