Diazeugma (di-a-zoog’-ma): The figure by which a single subject governs several verbs or verbal constructions (usually arranged in parallel fashion and expressing a similar idea); the opposite of zeugma.
Like the song, I was bewitched, bothered, and bewildered. I was trying to sell a pair of shoes to her in my shoe store “Bigfoot’s” where I stocked only shoes that were fifteen Triple-E and above. The shoes came in every conceivable style from high heels to “silver-dollar” penny loafers, to glider-tip dress shoes.
She came clomping into the shop wearing an exquisite pair of Amsterdam Woodies. They had little windmills burned into the toes with a waving dutchman in pantaloons standing alongside of them. It was only the second pair I had ever seen. The other pair was worn by Queen Maxima in the annual Wooden Walk held in Amsterdam—competitors wore wooden shoes and walked from the Rijksmuseum to Don Square. There were two rules: walk, wear wooden shoes. Queen Maxima presided over the event. Holding a pair of wooden shoes over her hands like mittens, she clap them together to start the Walk. The grand prize is 50 tulip bulbs and a one year supply of Verkade chocolate bars. It is a very popular events with many towns sending representative walkers, who are professional arm-pumping speed walkers. Amateurs are no match for them, but they compete anyway for the fun of it.
The woman in front of me was wearing a pair of size 18 Woodies. I was enchanted by the wood-burned images, the exquisitely smooth surface of the poplar wood they were made from—not a scratch or crack to be seen. I asked her why she would ever think of wearing anything other than her Woodies everywhere all the time. She told me to mind my own business and bring her a pair of black high heels like the ones in the window. I gasped—they would add at least four inches to her height, making her probably six-foot 4-inches tall! She noticed my consternation, and told me she needed the heels to wear to her sister’s wedding. She was “only” 5’11” tall. My customer wanted to “dominate” her sister on her wedding day. This puzzled me, but I didn’t ask for further clarification, after she had snapped at when I commented on her Woodies.
She tried on the heels and they were a perfect fit—I had took up to her when I told her the price.
She paid the $700 for the shoes and left my shop. I thanked her as she went out the door.
A man came through the door almost immediately thereafter wearing scuffed, beat up gunboats—size 20s at least. The gun turrets were missing from the left gunboat, and the right gunboat had a gaping hole in the bow. He wanted a replacement pair in gray cammo, with rocket launchers. I had just the thing in a size 20–I had guessed his size correctly!
He paid the $900.00 for the gun boats and walked proudly out the door.
I always hoped that the Yeti “Bigfoot” would visit my shop. No such luck yet, though. I would just have to be satisfied with big- footed humans
