Mempsis (memp’-sis): Expressing complaint and seeking help.
“Help! I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.”
That was old “First Alert.”
This is new “First Alert 2.0”:
“Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up. 62515 Elm Street, Caldwell, NJ.”
The client has a chip implanted on their hand, under their skin. Firmly pressing the chip enables a phone transmission of their emergency to my cellphone. Then, I forward the message to the nearest orderly to the client’s address, and the orderly goes to the scene and sorts it out.
I was located in Mawah, NJ and had orderlies throughout the state. They were equipped with trackers so I could find the nearest orderly to the client on my tote board/map. I would forward the message to them. I paid the orderlies $15.00 per client that they treated. First Alert 2.0 costs $110.00 per month.
But now:
No more single kind of emergency! Help is always on the way!
Currently, I’m working on “First Alert 3.0.” It is targeted toward the Baby Boomers who are aging and make up a significant chunk of the American population. I have messages tailored to their most likely “emergencies.” The base fee is $110 per month, with a fee of $15.00 per call. It includes the classic First Alert messag. Additional messages can be added for $15.00 each with a one-time set up fee of $10.00.
There are five additional messages:
- I can’t get off the toilet. (address)
- I can’t find my cat/dog. (address)
- I misplaced my cellphone/glasses/robe/pajamas. (address)
- I ran out of Huggies. (address)
- I need an enema. (address)
The client presses their chip once for number one, twice for number two, etc. Pressing and holding for 5 seconds opens up the option of entering an additional emergency. For example: once-hold-two would send options one and two.
We’re beta testing 3.0 and should be putting it on sale on the web, at pharmacies, and at doctor’s offices throughout America,
As a kind of lifeline, it is sure to be a winner.
I am pleased to note that President Trump has been granted a free lifetime subscription to our product with all five emergencies included. In exchange, I will be appointed Director of the US Department of Public Health and Human Services.
The Daily Trope 