Martyria (mar-tir’-i-a): Confirming something by referring to one’s own experience.
I was a Boy Scout. I took the oath. I won some merit badges—for orienteering, for whittling, for catching a live chicken and making it into a chicken salad sandwich, for hiking five miles in the rain.
“Be Prepared” was our motto. We carried toilet paper in our knapsacks. We packed bug spray and bandaids and Neosporin everywhere we went, even if it was only to the kitchen. I was never without a poncho to the thwart rain and sunglasses to thwart the sun’s dangerous rays. When I got older, I carried a 9mm Beretta, just in case.
But now, harkening back to my “Latrine Digging Championship,” from 2006 National Boy Scout Jamboree held at the Summit Bechtel Reserve, I competed against 27 other Boy Scouts who had won regional competitions. We had twenty minutes to complete our latrines. Our latrines were judged by stringent criteria such as uniform depth, width, diameter, and beauty. We all had to give a speech on the history and health benefits of the latrine, and finally, our latrines were tested by five urinators and two poopers each. I had decorated my latrine with wildflowers—that’s what pushed me over the top, and that’s when I decided to be a septic system technician. That was ten years ago.
And here I am now to service your septic system. I am eminently qualified to ensure your septic system does not continue to “runneth over” or continue to smell like a puddle of poopy. I founded “Proven Pumper” to provide people with emptied septic tanks and peace of mind that I’ll be at their command at any time, day or night in the future. Scout’s honor..
Thanks for listening to my little spiel!
Now, let’s get started pumping this baby dry. Please stand back while we uncap it and get the hose down there.
The Daily Trope 