Monthly Archives: July 2015


Anesis (an’-e-sis): Adding a concluding sentence that diminishes the effect of what has been said previously. The opposite of epitasis.

Fourth of July Oration: 2015

July 4th 1776. Congress actually did something!

It adopted a “Declaration of Independence” that had been declared two days before! It only took two days to move it to and through Congress.

It’s opening hook-line seems worthy of Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount:

“We hold these truths to be self evident . . .”

Sadly, right from the beginning the so-called “declaration” of independence is a ruse.

“Self-evident” was the 18th-Century’s equivalent of the 21st-Century’s “Obvious.” Ha. Ha.

What was “obvious” to people in the 18th century? To be honest the author(s) should’ve written:

“We hold these truths to be obvious: 1. God created people unequal; 2. with birthrights; 3. among these are property, subjugating serfs, and the pursuit libertine activities worthy of high-born gentlemen, to wit, bedding harlots, whipping servants, smoking opium, fathering bastard children and so forth.”

But ‘we’ [?] ‘all’ [?] ‘know’ [?] ‘better’ [?] in the post-obvious 21st century of fly-eyed semiosis, “infinite jest,” and the resurgence of polio, measles, and chicken pox: One person’s something is somebody else’s something else.

So, as we celebrate the Fourth of July today, remember, in July, 1776 our summer feasting would’ve included yummy Jellies! Jellies were the 18th century equivalent of ‘our’ Jello!

Made from boiled calves feet, scraped horns from the hart deer or the air bladders of sturgeon they were sucked up with smacking stained lips! Maybe George Washington would say today: “Oh Martha, add some of those dainty little marshmallows. I am quite confident they will add a sugary finish to these already lovely little calves feet jellies.”

And there was powerful drink too! Our forebears quaffed Rattle-Skull, Stonewall, Bogus, Blackstrap, Bombo, Mimbo, Whistle Belly, Syllabub, and Flip. And they got (according to Ben Franklin) addled, afflicted, biggy, boozy, busky, buzzey, cherubimical, cracked, or “halfway to Concord.”

Well, in solidarity with our forebears I propose that we down a few bits of jellied lamb salad, turkey in aspic, and Californian Prune jello ring. And let’s hoist a Santa’s Butt, Bishop’s Finger, Dogs Bollocks, Polygamy Porter, and 4 or 5 of our BELOVED PBRs. And we, as our forebears did, will get buttered, shit-faced, hammered, spanked, sideways, and, by God, we will GET ALL THE WAY to Concord!!

Have a great Fourth of July.

Try not to blow off a finger, blind you little brother with a bottle rocket, or set your neighbor’s house on fire with rogue pyrotechnics.

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (


Antanaclasis (an’-ta-na-cla’-sis): The repetition of a word or phrase whose meaning changes in the second instance.

Let’s ship it by ship!

What, are you kidding? If you’re shipping mail by ship you might as well be shipping chain mail! How utterly Medieval!

If you want the package to arrive before the end of Twenty-Fifteen, send it out via Fedex before 20:15! It will get there by tomorrow & it will only cost you $20.15!

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