Category Archives: proverb

Proverb: One of several terms describing short, pithy sayings. Others include adage, apothegm, gnome, maxim, paroemia, and sententia.

When I was growing up I had the weird good fortune of a mother who spoke in proverbs, or at least what sounded like proverbs. For example, on my birthday she would say “May you age like a fine cheddar cheese my son.” I had never heard of “cheddar cheese” before, so I went to the grocery store to track it down. I bought a small wedge of “aged” cheddar. I took it home and unwrapped in my bedroom. I sniffed it and it smelled like my butt when I needed a shower. I didn’t want to smell like an unwashed butt as I went through life. I did not know what to do, so I let it drop. It was just a question of butt hygiene. I pursued it assiduously—ha, ha. I made my mother buy perfumed toilet paper and I took two showers per day—morning and bedtime.

Once, my mother said “Let sleeping dogs lie.” First, I was shocked to hear that dogs can talk. And what’s worse, that we should not require them to tell the truth. The big takeaway for me was that they would be asleep when they told lies! I thought my mother had flipped out. Then, I remembered that our dog twitched and whined when it was asleep. He was very sneaky, so he was probably a liar. Mom would yell “Shut up!” at Pindar when he whined and twitched. It was quite possible that Mom knew dog talk, and Pindar was saying distasteful things and needed to be silenced.

When she gambled online, Mom would say “The sky is the limit.” I asked my astronomy teacher if this was true. His name was Mr. Polaris. He was really fat and all the kids called him “The Big Dipper.” He knew about it and liked it. He had Mr. Hammer, the metal shop teacher, make him a giant ladle—he called “My Big Dipper” and hung it above the blackboard at the front of classroom.

Anyway, he told me the sky was not the limit—it was limitless. Poor Mom. She was mistaken. She hardly ever won at gambling. Maybe her misconception of the sky’s limit was the cause of her massive losses. Our car had been repossessed the week before. It wasn’t much of a car—a 1998 blue Dodge: a former police car that still had the police logo on the doors: three black boots standing on a rabbit’s neck. It said “Spindlesplint Police. United We Stand.” So, I told Mom what I had learned about the sky. She yelled “Get out you nitwit.” I was stunned and angered by my mother’s closed mindedness.

I would show her I wasn’t a nitwit. I would clean the swimming pool. “Cleanliness is next to godliness” I said as I looked into the pool. It was full of leaves. I got a garden rake and starting raking out the pool. The ines on the rake tore holes in the pool’s vinyl liner. Water started gushing out of the ground at the end of the pool. The pool drained in about 10 minutes.

I ran away from home to escape my mother’s wrath. I’m living in a dog kennel in Florida. In the little room behind the run, I’m quite comfortable. I have a box filled with straw and a water dish and a food dish. Mr. Boxer advertises the kennels as “Dog-Gone Good Little Homes.” I have a job picking up litter on the “Ringling Estate.” I have a stick with a nail on the end and a big shoulder bag for the litter. I almost lost my job when I stabbed a squirrel.

I am happy here. My parents are glad to be rid of me. By the way, Mom hit the lotto for $1,000,000. I sent her a text message that said “Quit while you’re ahead.” She texted me back “Leave me alone!” Maybe she didn’t understand the proverb I sent her.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Proverb: One of several terms describing short, pithy sayings. Others include adage, apothegm, gnome, maxim, paroemia, and sententia.

I needed to go somewhere in life. All my friends from high school were raging successes—they all invented things.. Ann Banks had invented a wearable vibrator. Busy women used it for convenience sake. Driving to work, sitting in a bar on a barstool, waiting in the checkout line at the super market, at the dentist, etc. You can imagine what a success it was. Then, there was Egbert Flange who had invented the inflatable walking stick. You could deflate it, roll it up, and stick it in your pocket. It had a Co2 cartridge integrated into its design. You pressed a small button the the top and it would re-inflate as you left a theatre or the movies, or other venues where it was better not to have a walking stick in the way. Giles Goatsbreath invented a self-heating Pop Tart, no oven or microwave needed. You just pounded on it with your fist and it would heat up in 3 seconds.

So far, I had not had a successful invention. Everything I came up with was too far-fetched to be made. Like, for example, the flying swimming pool. I couldn’t get it off the ground—literally. I used a helicopter concept, but the helicopter’s prop wash blew the water out of the pool. Then, I tried a blimp attached with cables to the pool. But, the pool was so heavy, I couldn’t find a blimp big enough to lift it. So, I had a giant hot air balloon made. The balloon’s flame severely burned two of the pool’s passengers, so I gave up on the flying swimming pool.

One day, I ran across the proverb “No pain, no gain.” I started hitting myself on the thumb with a hammer, hoping the pain would grant me some gain. The thumb hammering wasn’t working so I hired my podiatrist to pinch me up and down my legs once a week. I got no gain out of that pain either. I was desperate.

I found a woman named Madam Chains on the internet. Here motto was “No Pain, No Gain!” This had to work. Clearly, she was a professional. Her avatar was a rubber SCUBA suit with a belt sander coming out the neck. If I didn’t get some gain out of Madam Chains’ ministrations, I was doomed.

She told me to stand by the side of the road and step out in front of car that looked like it was weaving, being driven by a drunk. She taught me techniques for getting hit by car and being seriously, but not fatally injured. The “drunk” behind the wheel would be held liable and I would garner a huge insurance payout.

I endured a lot of pain, but got a HUGE amount of gain: $2,000,000. I gave Madam Chains 10%. I’ve given up on inventing things. I just travel around with my girlfriend Chrissie and my pet eagle named Flamingo.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Proverb: One of several terms describing short, pithy sayings. Others include adage, apothegm, gnome, maxim, paroemia, and sententia.

“Good things come to those who wait.” I thought it was true. I first ran across this proverb when I was fifteen. It seemed authoritative. It seemed true. It seemed like the easiest way possible to get what I wanted. I tried it with the school bus. All I had to do was wait and it would come. It was a good thing to get a ride to school. It confirmed for me that waiting had a sort of magical power, and the longer I waited, the bigger the prize. Before I had a chance to think of something worth waiting a really long time for, I had numerous lesser experience. For example, waiting for my mother to make me breakfast every day—scrambled eggs and toast show up at my place at the table shortly after I sat down—two scrambled eggs and two pieces of toast, topped by orange juice—4 good things! I was always glad I waited. Then, one time I was standing in line to get into a Kraftwerk concert. It was a huge line and I was around the middle. I had been waiting around two hours, when suddenly, the line surged forward and I was pushed from behind. I stumbled over crack in the sidewalk and grabbed the person in front of me to keep from falling on my face. She spun around and yelled “What the fu*k d you think you’re doing pervert!” I explained what happened and she understood. We sat together at the concert. In this case, I got two good things from waiting—a great concert and my future wife Melanie—Yes! My future wife! I was on a roll!

As I got older, waiting started to lose its reliability as a passage to good things. I first realized this when I started to get a receding hairline. I knew when the waiting was over, it wasn’t going to be such a good thing. In fact, I never went totally bald. Instead I have a pathway of naked flesh going down the middle of my head with a clump of hair on either side.—sort of like Bozo the Clown.

Then there’s my father. He had several heart attacks and I was waiting for him to die. He was very wealthy and I wanted to get a piece of his wealth when he died. I waited for that good thing for five years. I took him shopping, I cooked his meals, paid his bills, all the time waiting for him to die. Finally, he died. At the reading of the will I was referred to as a “smarmy con.” He left me his ride mower. He left my sister $4,00,000. I’m contesting the will, but my attorney says I don’t have a chance. At best, I may be able to get my sister to give me $1,000,000.

I’ve been waiting one year to hear from my sister, re. my proposal. I’m currently looking for a new proverb to guide my life. I’m tending toward “Fortune favors the bold.” I’m thinking of kidnapping my sister’s cat Ramses. He never goes outside, though. I’m thinking of visiting my sister and bringing a gym bag. I’ll coax Ramses up on my lap and when my sister goes to the kitchen, I’ll stuff Ramses in the bag, yell “goodbye,” and run out the front door, leaving the door open. My sister, seeing front door open, will think that Ramses escaped through the door, never suspecting me.

I did it the next day.

When I got home (I took a bus) after kidnapping the cat, my sister was waiting for me. She grabbed the gym bag and pulled out Ramses. she gave me $500 and told me to leave her alone or she would have me arrested. I yelled “Fortune favors the bold!” I jumped in her Mercedes and took off, leaving my home and family behind. I got as far as Delaware Water Gap and was nailed by the NJ State Police. The first thing they asked me was “Ok, Buddy, where’s the cat?” Now I knew I was screwed.

I had played with fire, now I was getting burned.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Proverb: One of several terms describing short, pithy sayings. Others include adage, apothegm, gnome, maxim, paroemia, and sententia.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover.” If I had taken this advice, I probably would’ve married “Plain Patty.” She had a huge vocabulary, knew the meaning of every word, could do algebra, cook, and do laundry. Not only that, she loved me and actually proposed marriage to me. Of course, I turned her down and went for Helen Hotte. She was all cover, no book. She made me drool. She was blonde. She was beautiful. She could’ve been a model. She could dance. The way she said “oh Willy” made my hair stand on end. She wanted things and I gave her as much as I could—mostly clothing and jewelry. And of course, we’d go out to eat at the best restaurants, ordering the most expensive things on the menu. I was up to my neck with a loan shark and was expecting to be knee-capped soon.

Then, I got drafted. The Vietnam War was going full tilt. My loan shark was patriotic and let me off the hook. It was the second most wonderful thing that ever happened in my life. Number one was marrying Helen.

I finished my Army training and shipped out to Vietnam. I thought I was going to die. But instead, I was assigned to a special operations detachment in Saigon. Our job was to “Magnify the American presence” by walking around Saigon, going to the best restaurants, steam baths, and bars, all the time wearing hand-tailored suits from Hong Kong. In fact, my first assignment was to go to Hong Kong and have several silk suits made. The closest I ever came to being killed was when my driver had a leg spasm and crashed our limo into a garbage can.

I got one letter from Helen the whole time I was in Vietnam. In it, she told me she made a new friend named Ed who was “way richer” than me. Then, about 2 weeks before I was due to return to the States, I got a letter telling she had a “little” surprise and that she couldn’t meet me at the airport, and that she has a new address. I was to meet her there.

I pulled up in a cab in front of a mansion in Madison, NJ. I double-checked the address with the driver. He assured me that this was the right place. I told the driver to blow the horn. She came out on the porch holding a baby.There was a lummox standing next to her who looked like a weight lifter soaked in steroids. He had a patch over one eye. I ran up to the porch and grabbed the baby. “Floor it!” I yelled at the cabby. We took off for Jersey City and landed at Plain Patty’s. I pounded on the door yelling “Patty, Patty, Patty! Help me I’ve done something terrible.” Patty came to the door, held out her arms, and took the baby. She said, “I’m sorry Willy, but this isn’t a real baby—it’s a ‘CAREX Lifelike Newborn Baby Doll’ made of rubber. You’ve been tricked!”

I didn’t know what Helen’s game was, and I didn’t care. I loved Patty—she was a book I could read forever. I divorced Helen and married Patty. When we get bored we play catch with the rubber baby and laugh.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.