Ara (a’-ra): Cursing or expressing detest towards a person or thing for the evils they bring, or for inherent evil.
“You are a disgusting excuse for a human being. You make sinners look like saints. Your evil ways are a net that ensnares innocent people. You are so bad your bad is bad. When I think of ‘dastardly’ you come to mind. You make ‘miscreant’ look like a compliment. Your breath smells like sulphur. You love your neighbor in the wrong way. You wear tight pants that bulge in the crotch. In sum, you are Satan’s minion.”
I was practicing my speech for the town’s annual “Vituperation Roundup” where citizens competed by making speeches declaring the evils of unnamed people. The Roundup is held in honor of Elijah Tangle, one of the six founders of Fickleburg, PA where I reside and compete every year. I never won because I was unwilling to go so far as “cannablism” or “bestiality” like some of the other contestants were willing to go.
Tangle founded Fickleburg along with five others who were all so well versed at vituperation that nobody dared go against them. Will Neberg tried, for example, and he ended up being stoned to death for the evils he had allegedly perpetrated on a fly that he had “wantonly” swatted on his kitchen windowpane. Tangle’s ability to twist the swatting of a fly into a capital offense committed by a “heinous psychopath” won him the title of “My Lord” and the undying loyalty of the townspeople who feared for their own lives and reputations.
Last year’s winner was just as bad as all rest. “Brimstone” Bill Doladdy gave his speech on the horrible evil things that horrible evil “Peeping Tom’s” see. His use of vivid imagery and comprehensive coverage of his speech’s central topic were claimed by the three judges to be on point for contest’s aim, as well as the fact that it’s nearly scientific efficacy as an observational exercise was highly stimulating.
Last year, my speech was stopped halfway through and the judges told me to shut up and sit down. It was a speech vituperating the man who cleans our septic tank. I was told by the judges that my speech was about a necessary evil and was unsuitable for the contest, and, although it didn’t name names, it might as well have given the there’s only one septic service in Fickleburg.
This year is different. I am locked and loaded and ready to go.
My speech is about myself!
