Asphalia (as-fay’-li-a): Offering oneself as a guarantee, usually for another.
“You can’t go wrong with me on your team. I’ll work hard to make us winners. I guarantee it. How do I guarantee it. Cheating? Good hard work?” I asked.
“Cheating is my forte, Good hard work is a distant second.” I made the team, and I was made Captain.
Saturday came, it was game time. I put sedatives in the opposing team’s Gator Aid. By the end of the first quarter the entire team was asleep on the playing field. They forfeited the game, and we won. From then out, other teams wouldn’t drink anything when they were up against us. So, I had to resort to Plan B: bribery.
Our sponsors put up the cash, and we would play our hearts out to look like legitimate winners. The referees favored us in all close calls, guaranteeing us the win. but then, the day came when we came up against our nemesis: Holy Crèche University.
They were so good, there wouldn’t be any close calls. They were smart enough to forego liquids. There was one option left: bribe the team. But they were Holy Crèche—a religion-affiliated school. But we had an advantage: their enrollments were in the toilet and they were headed down the tubes. They needed a quick infusion of cash to last past the spring semester.
I met with the President and offered a substantial gift to the University if he would let the team know that losing the big game “would not be frowned upon.”
The big day came—the East Coast Championship Game. We were sure to win—it cost 1 million dollars, but our benefactors (wealthy alumni) could afford ten times as much. We partied on Mimosas before the game and were half-looped when we took to the field. We were sure to win. Holy Crèche did not hold back. They kicked our asses. We lost 42 to 0.
Holy Crèche’s President disappeared the next day, so did our coach, Mr. Rangton. Our new coach, Mr. Strangolia, put the onus on us. “No more cheating,” he said, “Leave that to me. You will practice hard and play hard.” I was demoted to cleat scraper, and the following year we won every game. I like to think that my scraping helped win the championship trophy.
