Parabola

Parabola (par-ab’-o-la): The explicit drawing of a parallel between two essentially dissimilar things, especially with a moral or didactic purpose. A parable.

“The sun will not shine your shoes—wingtips, moccasins, pumps, ballet and all the footwear under the sun. You are but a a square-toed Frye boot unwisely coursing the sands of futility wearing holes in their soles.” This is one of those deep and wise parables that you think about for days. My brother said it to me.

I was at the beach with my brother Swami Piraña. He files his teeth to points and wears a turban made of deadly nightshade. He has a following of nine committed, or ought to be committed, acolytes. He holds weekly ZOOM meetings with his “congregation” dancing to the dervish-like strains of “YMCA.” Sometimes the service goes on for ten hours. Then, when his congregation is delirious from dancing, he asks for money. Then, he gives a sermon in a sarcastic tone on the evils of materialism and the “shark eat shark” perils of capitalism. Then, he rebukes them for eating of the tree of “false tomatoes” (deadly nightshade), and asks for more donations to the cause of uprooting it “once and for all from the landscapes of your minds.”

So, there we were—broiling on the beach. I asked him what the hell he meant with the shoeshine sun thing. He leapt up and pointed at me—“You will burn,” he yelled. It was true. I had forgotten my SPF 90 sunscreen and was already turning red. I ran to the concession stand and bought some sunscreen and smeared it on. I covered myself with a towel and lay down by my brother again. I asked what the shoes signified in his parable. He said he didn’t know, it was too mystical, even for his divine consciousness. He thought for a minute and said “Maybe the shoes are your soul, and I’m telling you you must ‘shine’ your own soul with the shoe polish of God’s wisdom in the Bible. The Bible is the Gucci of the Lord.”

My head was spinning. God, shoes, Gucci. It was too much for me to understand. So, I forgot about it, put my sunglasses back on, and ran into the ocean. I heard somebody yell “Shark!” It was coming toward me. It stood up! It was my brother wearing a strap-on fin. He raised his arms and yelled “Behold! I am not a shark, I am an imposter: You are betrayed by your senses, follow your heart.” He was arrested for impersonating a shark and causing widespread beach panic.

As a result of his stunt, and its coverage in the news, his congregation grew to 50,000. He is now known as an influencer on TikTok where he hosts “Free Range Wisdom” once a week on Fridays. He sells plastic “Trees of Wisdom” turbans to his viewers for $29.99 and is getting rich.

This week’s sermon it titled “God is a Stamp Collector.”