Tag Archives: schemes

Hypallage

Posted on August 24, 2021 | Comments Off on Hypallage

Hypallage (hy-pal’-la-ge): Shifting the application of words. Mixing the order of which words should correspond with which others. Also, sometimes, a synonym for metonymy (see Quintilian).

I slugged down a curled shot of vodka, spilling a little drop on my chin. This was going to be another flotsam night, sitting in my underwear, staring at the wall, getting drunk.

I was already looking forward to going to work tomorrow. I work at a pie factory. I specialize in pumpkin. After 14 years at the mixing bowl and oven, I smell like pumpkin spice. I’ve tried everything I can think of to get the smell off, but it won’t go away. The up side is that it smells a little bit like the hypermanly after shave “Old Spice.” It attracts women like a flock of moths to a flame. That’s the down side too. I’ve started staying home and drinking because the women in pursuit of me and my smell are driving me crazy.

I’d wake up in the morning with a beautiful woman and tell her I had to go to work soon. She would start to get dressed, and like all the rest, ask politely for a sniff before she left. If I said no, all hell would break loose—I would be chased around my apartment by a snorting begging woman until I locked myself in the bathroom. You don’t want to know the rest, believe me.

I am so grateful that no women work at the pie factory. I make my pies in peace.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Hyperbaton

Posted on August 23, 2021 | Comments Off on Hyperbaton

Hyperbaton (hy-per’-ba-ton): 1. An inversion of normal word order. A generic term for a variety of figures involving transposition, it is sometimes synonymous with anastrophe. 2. Adding a word or thought to a sentence that is already semantically complete, thus drawing emphasis to the addition.

I went looking for trouble, everywhere. I was always off, a little. I found a handgun in the park when I was 15. It went off accidentally and killed a woodpecker, who was minding his own business pecking on the old wooden flagpole on the village green, blowing off its head. I tossed the handgun into the bushes and picked up the dead woodpecker, still warm. This is where my career as a mortician began—with amateur taxidermy on the accidentally shot bird.

I brought the bird home and laid it on a piece of waxed paper on the desk in my room. As I opened the bird’s chest cavity with my X-acto knife, I felt jubilant as the woodpecker’s insides fell out in a shiny red lump. I picked them up and looked closely at them, holding them in the palm of my hand. After a good look, I threw them out my window. I didn’t know what to do next, so I put the bird in a shoebox and slid it under my bed.

When my grandmother died two weeks later, we went to see her remains at the Burns Brothers funeral parlor. The place was like a church! Grandma looked amazing. She had on a nice dress, her hair was stylishly done, her cheeks looked like blood was pulsing through them. I wondered how big grandma’s guts were, but blocked the thought for fear of becoming a psychopath.

I met Mr. Burns at the funeral parlor door as we were leaving. I asked him what it took to be a good mortician. He said, “Steady hands and a kind heart.” On that note, I knew I would be a mortician someday. As I became a practicing mortician, I learned, in addition to the steady hand and the kind heart, you have to feel no guilt at profiting from loved ones’ deaths. Eventually, I learned to bury my guilt by drinking expensive vodka and buying things I don’t want or need on Amazon.

I still have the dead woodpecker in the cardboard box. When I take it out and view it’s headless remains and still shiny feathers, I smile.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Hypozeuxis

Posted on August 22, 2021 | Comments Off on Hypozeuxis

Hypozeuxis (hyp-o-zook’-sis): Opposite of zeugma. Every clause has its own verb.

They said I was morally bankrupt. Actually, I bet on a losing concept of the good. Aristotle or Socrates, or some other philosopher (maybe Augustine), wrote that people do what they do because they think it’s good, not bad. Why else rob a convenience store unless you think it’ll benefit you? When we thwart a criminal we keep her or him from obtaining a hoped-for good—quick cash, drugs, a plasma TV, food. I think it was Stanley Fish, or somebody like him, who proclaimed “One person’s hope is another person’s fear.”

By the way, this gun is WAY LOADED—17 rounds of sweet little 9mm hollow points. And I have a hope! I hope your toupee goes up in flames. Now, you’re going to stand still while I dribble this lighter fluid on your head, otherwise I’ll shoot you in the stomach and watch you squirm around and bleed on the floor. Ready?

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Hysteron Proteron

Posted on August 20, 2021 | Comments Off on Hysteron Proteron

Hysteron Proteron (his’-ter-on pro’-ter-on): Disorder of time. (What should be first, isn’t.)

“Go! Get ready! Set!” Uncle Harvey yelled. Set what? Go where? Get Ready? Was it a riddle? It was very mixed up. Maybe it was because it was Labor Day and my wife’s family was drunkenly gathered “out at Camp” by the lake. In addition to eating gallons of “special” baked beans (laced with rum and mustard) crystallized “Sugar Bumps,” and a lot of meat—hamburgers, hot dogs, bratwurst, sausage patties, and kielbasa from the grill—every year they went crazy and pushed somebody into the lake to “cleanse” Camp and create a little extra entertainment. Nobody had drowned yet, but odds were that it would eventually happen. That’s why in the past couple of years only elderly family members had been pushed in, due to their existing proximity to death, and the family wager that they’d all die pretty soon anyway.

Now I got it with Harvey’s fractured countdown! He was trying to disorient the elders, catch them off guard, and push one of them in the lake! Too bad it didn’t work. Grampy picked up a rock and threw it at Harvey, missing him and shattering one of Camp’s storm windows. My brother-in-law, a former college football star, ran toward Grampy, tackling him and dragging him to the lake’s edge. Then, he and Harvey hoisted Grampy up, swung him back and forth a couple of times, and threw him into the lake—all in good order, 1, 2, 3. Unfortunately, there was a 4 that should’ve been a 1. They should’ve paid attention to the notorious giant catfish hanging out under the dock: Blimpy. Every Labor Day a few pounds of spoiled ground beef and a gallon of pig’s blood were thrown under the dock to appease him. Blimpy was known to snatch the occasional kitten or puppy off the dock, but he never attacked a person in the water. Was Grampy going to be the first? The meat and blood had been forgotten this year. Danger lurked.

As Blimpy headed for Grampy, we all dashed into the water, splashing and yelling. Blimpy got the message and retreated back under the dock. Grampy’s pacemaker started to malfunction, so we carried him back to camp, gave him a double Bloody Mary, and put him in the most comfortable lawn chair to dry out in the sun.

Everybody agreed: this was the best Labor Day family gathering ever! Well, everybody but Grampy—he wasn’t all that enthusiastic about the family’s consensus. Given that he almost died, we could understand, although Aunt Kay did call him a spoilsport, and Uncle Lowell told him all he had to do was “punch the damn fish in the nose, and it probably would’ve died.”

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Inopinatum

Posted on August 19, 2021 | Comments Off on Inopinatum

Inopinatum (in-o-pi-na’-tum): The expression of one’s inability to believe or conceive of something; a type of faux wondering. As such, this kind of paradox is much like aporia and functions much like a rhetorical question or erotema. [A paradox is] a statement that is self-contradictory on the surface, yet seems to evoke a truth nonetheless [can include oxymoron].

What? Where is this going? To hell in a hand basket? Out the window? Over the rainbow? Or, as usual, to hell and back? You are so predictably unpredictable. Predictable: Endless crackbrained schemes. Unpredictable: Your latest scheme’s intent.

If you think I, or anybody else, will invest in your oatmeal cement, you’re nuts. The catchphrase “Pour a nutritious foundation“ won’t get you anywhere. Why do you keep this up? Mom’s at her wits end with the smells coming from the basement and the pounding. 30 years is long enough for Mom to support you and lie to you about how smart you are—Thomas Edison’s doppelgänger. Mom should win a Nobel Prize for tolerance. I wonder when you’ll win your Nobel Prize? When you’ll be world-famous? When you’ll go out of the house?

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

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Intimation

Posted on August 17, 2021 | Comments Off on Intimation

Intimation: Hinting at a meaning but not stating it explicitly.

You know, when somebody tromps around the house in dirty rubber boots, somebody has to clean it up. Depending on what Mr. Dirty Boots brings through the door, it can take a long time to clean the floor or carpet and may even require toxic chemicals to remove. Breathing chemicals’ fumes can harm a toddler, like that one over there in the playpen—our little Eddie.

I read an article in Guilt-Free Parenting about removing footwear at the door. It made a lot of sense. Start doing it or Eddie and I will go visit my mother forever.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Isocolon

Posted on August 16, 2021 | Comments Off on Isocolon

Isocolon (i-so-co’-lon): A series of similarly structured elements having the same length. A kind of parallelism.

He was drunk. He was angry. He was driving. His pants were wet and he was yelling out the car’s window: “I am the eight ball. You are the wallpaper. Coo coo. Hoo hoo.” He ran over a stop sign, stopped and got out of the car. The stop sign had snapped off at the base and he picked it up. Holding it in front of him he staggered down the sidewalk singing “Stop in the name of love before you burn my tart.” His wet pants fell down, he tripped, and his head made a hollow thudding sound as it hit the concrete. He looked dead.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Kategoria

Posted on August 14, 2021 | Comments Off on Kategoria

Kategoria (ka-te-go’-ri-a): Opening the secret wickedness of one’s adversary before his [or her] face.

Ever since we’ve been political opponents, I’ve had this sneaking feeling that you’ve been pushing legislation for personal gain. Now I know it’s true. Your chain of ice cream stands (Frozen Assets) is riding on the coattails of your bill to make vanilla ice cream our state flavor. The connection between the bill and your potential to make a huge profit is incontrovertible. You will be arrested and charged this afternoon.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

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Maxim

Posted on August 11, 2021 | Comments Off on Maxim

Maxim (max’-im): One of several terms describing short, pithy sayings. Others include adage, apothegm, gnome, paroemia, proverb, and sententia.

“Too much prudence makes you a prude.” Loosen up. Chill out. Tell a joke. Make a silly face. Chuck a moon.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Meiosis

Posted on August 9, 2021 | Comments Off on Meiosis

Meiosis (mei-o’-sis): Reference to something with a name disproportionately lesser than its nature (a kind of litotes). This term is equivalent to tapinosis.

You can take your engagement ring and shove it. It’s a cigar band for bozos. After what you did to me, I’m outta here.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Mempsis

Posted on August 8, 2021 | Comments Off on Mempsis

Mempsis (memp’-sis): Expressing complaint and seeking help.

Stogle Bridge has been falling down for the past three months. It is unconscionable for the town council to let this happen. If that crack widens a little more, and we keep the bridge open, plain and simple, people will die. Please close the bridge, allocate the funding to repair it, and REPAIR it! I need your help. We need your help. Please do the right thing. Thank-you.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Merismus

Posted on August 7, 2021 | Comments Off on Merismus

Merismus (mer-is’-mus): The dividing of a whole into its parts.

Rep. Greene’s trustworthiness can be divided into three parts: (1) Liar; (2) Prevaricator; and (3) Mythomaniac. Yep, she’s three times as full of crap as a mentally stable person.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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Mesarchia

Posted on August 6, 2021 | Comments Off on Mesarchia

Mesarchia (mes-ar’-chi-a): The repetition of the same word or words at the beginning and middle of successive sentences.

I am lost and struggling to find my way. I am lost and hoping to find the trail. I am lost and I look toward the sky to find the North Star. I look, I seek, I hunt, I struggle, all to no avail. Now, I will make a bed of pine boughs and wait for dawn. It is a warm summer night. I will be ok . In the morning I will walk toward the rising sun, eat some berries, and drink from the crystal clear creek. I will survive.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Mesodiplosis

Posted on August 5, 2021 | Comments Off on Mesodiplosis

Mesodiplosis (mes-o-dip-lo’-sis): Repetition of the same word or words in the middle of successive sentences.

I got myself a new set of cookware. Yep, I got a new set of pots and pans. I’m gonna use that new set to make the most magnificent meals. First: canned bean soup with just the right amount of water dumped in. Second: scrambled eggs with milk and sardines. Third: pimentos and prunes. The list goes on! Please stop by and try one of my creative recipes. Tonight, we’re having kale and mashed potatoes with fish sauce, gnocchi, and snappy grillers. Mmmmm!

See you tonight?

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Mesozeugma

Posted on August 3, 2021 | Comments Off on Mesozeugma

Mesozeugma (me’-so-zyoog’-ma): A zeugma in which one places a common verb for many subjects in the middle of a construction.

I was hungry. It was late at night. I went down to the kitchen, did a moon walk across the linoleum floor, opened the refrigerator and grabbed a hard-boiled egg, a bottle of hot sauce, a piece of cheese and 6 anchovies; the makings of my “Midnight Special.” All I needed now was two slices of bread and some cinnamon.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Metabasis

Posted on August 2, 2021 | Comments Off on Metabasis

Metabasis (me-ta’-ba-sis): A transitional statement in which one explains what has been and what will be said.

Now that I’ve told you and everybody else on board three times to wear a mask on this aircraft, if you continue to fail to comply, next, I will tell you to exit the aircraft. That means deplane.

Stop yelling and creating a disturbance Ms. Greene. Out of 100 passengers, you’re the only one not not willing to comply with my request.

I will count to three. If you’re not on your way to the aircraft’s exit after that, if necessary, you will be forcibly ejected. Or, if you put on a mask, fine.

1-2-3.

Marshall, remove this woman from the aircraft. Be careful, she may be in need of psychiatric intervention. I’ll call ahead so medical personnel can meet you and you can take her take her to the airport medical facility for a brief examination.

Please quiet down Ms. Greene. It’s not the end of the world.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Metalepsis

Posted on August 1, 2021 | Comments Off on Metalepsis

Metalepsis (me-ta-lep’-sis): Reference to something by means of another thing that is remotely related to it, either through a farfetched causal relationship, or through an implied intermediate substitution of terms. Often used for comic effect through its preposterous exaggeration. A metonymical substitution of one word for another which is itself figurative.

Your tongue is mightier than the spoon. It’s like there are professional wrestlers doing battling inside your mouth. Who will win? The peas or the carrots? Crazy meal! Your dinner’s but a load of freight packed between your jaws.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Metallage

Posted on July 31, 2021 | Comments Off on Metallage

Metallage (me-tal’-la-gee): When a word or phrase is treated as an object within another expression.

I’m sick of your “I’m sorry” all the time.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Metaphor

Posted on July 30, 2021 | Comments Off on Metaphor

Metaphor (met’-a-phor): A comparison made by referring to one thing as another.

Your hope is a blindfold keeping you from seeing what’s actually possible. Your hope for wealth and fame can’t be realized by hoping. You must have a plan, and the means, and the opportunity and much, much more. Take off the blindfold and do something.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Metaplasm

Posted on July 29, 2021 | Comments Off on Metaplasm

Metaplasm (met’-a-plazm): A general term for orthographical figures (changes to the spelling of words). This includes alteration of the letters or syllables in single words, including additions, omissions, inversions, and substitutions. Such changes are considered conscious choices made by the artist or orator for the sake of eloquence or meter, in contrast to the same kinds of changes done accidentally and discussed by grammarians as vices (see barbarism). See: antisthecon, aphaeresis, apocope, epenthesis, paragoge, synaloepha.

I had high hopes for our romance, but our love has turned into leave. You don’t listen to me. You don’t talk to me. We stay three feet apart. You go out every night. You come home at 4.00 a.m. smelling of gin and cigarettes. We don’t eat together. We don’t go out. No sex. We might as well have separate lives—stupid solo-ites sitting at a bar with a glass full of blues and a bitter heart looking for love again. I am damnfounded as to how it all fell apart.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Metastasis

Posted on July 28, 2021 | Comments Off on Metastasis

Metastasis (me-tas’-ta-sis): Denying and turning back on your adversaries arguments used against you.

Incite? I think you meant insight. This is what I think: Your hearings are doing the inciting. As patriotic Americans hear your lies about the peaceful visitors on a guided tour of the Capitol on January 6th, who were met and ejected from the building by force, by order of Nancy Pelosi, they have become very angry and mistrustful of the federal government’s role in all of this. They might even think the right thing to do at this point is to burn down the Capitol with all the Democrat Representatives, and the two Republican traitors, locked inside.

I’m not inciting anything here today with my remarks, and, by the way, I’m just speculating like you are. You’re running a guessing game, so can I. But my guesses are based in facts. Yours are based in lies about a group of innocent tourists who were violently ejected from the Capitol by overzealous police, who attacked them on orders from Pelosi. She’s the one you should be questioning and charging with crimes against the American people. She’s the one who should go to prison. She’s a disgrace.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Metonymy

Posted on July 27, 2021 | Comments Off on Metonymy

Metonymy (me-ton’-y-my): Reference to something or someone by naming one of its attributes. [This may include effects or any of the four Aristotelian causes {efficient/maker/inventor, material, formal/shape, final/purpose}.]

Palm Beach Fats sat on his golf cart throne surveying his swimming pool, sipping a Diet Coke, and slopping away at a double large breakfast burrito supreme. He held the big burrito with his well-manicured baby-size grippers.

He had told 20 lies already and it was only 9.30 in the morning.

He was warming up for the night’s rally in Virginia with his loyal lump. “They love me more than God,” he muttered as he vigorously scratched his rear end with his smaller-than-average index finger.

Definition courtesy of “Sliva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu). Bracketed text added by Gorgias.

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Ominatio

Posted on July 25, 2021 | Comments Off on Ominatio

Ominatio (o-mi-na’-ti-o): A prophecy of evil.

I say, the world will become a terrible place: Wild-eyed, uncaring, ignorant, belligerent people will go into retail sales at a place named after a River. Their mantra will be “the customer is an ass” as they pack boxes and envelopes and load them on trucks in a filthy windowless warehouse outside Seattle. They will delight in sending empty packages from time to time knowing the vexations it will cause customers who can’t understand the arcane refund policies.

Lo, shopping will become ‘on-line’ and people will be required to have credit cards, ensnared by banks in the cashless internet. “MasterCard” or “Visa” accepted will replace “come on in” as face-to-face commerce fades and the human touch is replaced by filling in an order form and offering your account number to nobody—a bot without a soul.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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Onedismus

Posted on July 24, 2021 | Comments Off on Onedismus

Onedismus (on-e-dis’-mus): Reproaching someone for being impious or ungrateful.

You act like God is a pimp, there to procure whatever you desire. Your prayers are like telling Santa what you want for Christmas. You’re too self-absorbed to ever be considered a person of faith. Stop calling yourself Godly. Reflect and reconsider your life’s trajectory.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.ed).

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Onomatopoeia

Posted on July 22, 2021 | Comments Off on Onomatopoeia

Onomatopoeia (on-o-mat-o-pee’-a): Using or inventing a word whose sound imitates that which it names (the union of phonetics and semantics).

When Trump walked quickly, his XXL adult diaper made a sloshing sound signaling Melania it was time for a change. Given that they were in Florida, she called Gov. DeSantis. “You promised,” Melania said in a threatening tone of voice. “No is not an option for you little man. He stinks and Junior is nowhere to be found. Do you want to stay Governor? Do you want to see sunrise tomorrow?”

DeSantis came in by chopper 15 minutes later—you could hear it’s budda budda budda as it circled Mar-a-Lago. He hopped out wearing rubber gloves and a gas mask and carrying a big plastic bag filled with XXL butt wipes. “Let’s do this” he said as he snapped his rubber gloves around his wrists.

As he walked in, he saw a sleeping Trump laying in his diaper on a large custom-built changing table decorated with gold angels and rhinestones.

“He’s sedated,” Melania informed DeSantis. “Thank God for that!” DeSantis exclaimed as a reached for the diaper’s Velcro tab. It made a scrooching sound as he pulled it open. Then, DeSantis tightened his gas mask and went in. He pulled out one of the baby-blanket size butt wipes when suddenly Trump woke up, and leaving his soiled diaper behind, jumped off the table, and walked quickly toward the swimming pool. His white terrycloth spa slippers softly flip-flopping on the tile floor.

“Don’t worry, sometime he want to clean himself. He uses pool,” Melania told DeSantis.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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