Category Archives: paraprosdokian

Paraprosdokian: A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase [or series = anticlimax] is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe the first part. . . . For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. An especially clever paraprosdokian not only changes the meaning of an early phrase, but also plays on the double meaning of a particular word.(1)

I was toasting and I wasn’t drinking my ass off and saluting a friend. I was standing in front of a huge fireplace and my boots melted to the floor. I was stuck. I was toasting. My pants were smoking and my hair smelled like it was burning. I was toasting. I could’ve used a drink!

I pulled my feet out of my boots and backed away from the blaze. My boots went up in flames. I ran my hand across my head—it was bald. My pants were still smoking. I watched my boots burn—Blundstones. They cost me over $200.

I was at my friend Princess Argonza’s home/castle. I had never seen a walk-in fireplace before. I didn’t know you were supposed to stay eight feet away from the fire. The servant wore an asbestos suit when he stoked the blaze, throwing the huge logs/small trees from three feet away. Now I know how Argonza’s brother had managed to kill himself in the fireplace. It would’ve been impossible in my 3×4 fireplace. Argonza’s fireplace was 10×12! It’s true that her brother had a petrol-soaked Gucci handkerchief tied around his neck, but he didn’t need it. He was despondent over his acne. None of the anti-blemish cremes worked, so he killed himself. I thought that was a pretty trivial reason for suicide. But who am I? I do not live in his skin. But, I still think he was mentally unbalanced, like his sister.

Whenever I visited, first we’d go to the playroom and ride rocking horses—which were actually real stuffed ponies. We would get alongside of each other, starting slowly and rocking faster and faster until Argonza made little squealing sounds, looked at me with glazed eyes, and jumped off her pony, staggering a little. Next, we would play with paper dolls. All of them looked like Argonza. It was bizarre. She would stack them up and pound her fist on them yelling “Stop looking at me that way!” Then we would burn them in the giant Royal Fireplace. Then I realized one of the paper dolls was an effigy of her brother! It had a cigarette burn through its heart. She folded it carefully and put it in her shirt pocket like a handkerchief, with his head sticking out. After that, we went to the study. She put the folded effigy of her brother between the pages of “Moby Dick.” She looked at me, licked her lips, and told me she liked the word “dick.” It made her want to ride her pony beside me.

It was time for me to go home. I thanked her for her hospitality—the pony ride and the paper dolls. I told her I was sorry about her brother’s suicide. She begged me to stay for dinner. She wouldn’t tell me what we were having, but I agreed anyway. I think it was a mistake. We had “leg.” She wouldn’t tell me what animal it came from. For a second, I thought it might be her brother’s leg, but that was too terrible to believe. or even think about. The “leg” was delicious. It tasted like really tender roast pork.

We had a great time. We rode the ponies again, and I went home. I think I am in love. I can’t stop thinking about Argonza. She’s different.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Paraprosdokian: A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase [or series = anticlimax] is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe the first part. . . . For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. An especially clever paraprosdokian not only changes the meaning of an early phrase, but also plays on the double meaning of a particular word.(1)

“I had a great thyme in my garden, It was six feet tall.” Ha, Ha! That’s funny. I think I’ll use it in my comedy routine. I spend most of my time composing hilarious jokes, like the thyme joke. “What did the rodeo horse say to the cowboy? If I could make a buck, I could throw my rider.” This is high comedy—it has everything: money, violence, revenge. This is a classic, and I wrote it and performed it, and nobody laughed at it. “I walked into a Church and asked a priest where God was. ‘In that book over there.’ He said.” Ha, Ha! This is so funny even the Pope would laugh. God works in mysterious ways! Ha! Ha! Religion is always funny. “What did Judas whisper in Jesus’ ear? You need a breath mint.” My God that’s funny. It teeters on the edge of perfection. “How many Presbyterians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Presbyterians don’t screw in lightbulbs.” Wo! I’m going over the edge. I’m rolling on the floor. I think I’m having a heart attack.

Jim dialed 911. The ambulance arrived. As they were putting him on the stretcher Jim asked, “Will this gizmo make me taller? Stretcher, Ha! Ha! Get it?” Then he passed out and went into what orderlies thought were convulsions, but it was actually laughter. They strapped him down and took off for the hospital. This was Jim’s seventh heart attack induced by inane laughter. He suffered from “Bad Joke Syndrome.” He was a regular in the Emergency Room. Everybody said he was lucky to be alive. He had been admonished countless times by Dr, Bleak to stop with the stupid jokes or he would kill himself. Jim was supposed the be reading “The Scarlet Letter” and discussing it with Dr. Bleak’s assistant Dick Dour. But Jim had been lax—it never failed. He’d nearly die from inane laughter, and then go back to writing and performing his for-shit jokes in front of family and what few friends he had left. One of those “friends” was Red Oxnard.

Red worked in the IKEA warehouse in Newark, New Jersey. He had known Jim since their school days in Morristown, New Jersey. That’s when Jim started suffering from Bad Joke Syndrome (BJS). He would try to make up funny lyrics for the school song, blurt out in class, make up jokes about rope climbing in gym class, and more. When people saw him coming they would yell “shut up!” But Red stuck with him. He knew Jim would gain access to his annuity what he was 45. His parents had died in a “carbon monoxide” event in their garage when Jim was 15. Jim had made jokes about what had happened and he was “sent away” until he was 21. He was released, uncured of BJS on his 21st birthday. Red picked him up, and lauded his joke efforts, telling him he was getting better. But he wasn’t. Actually, he was getting worse.

Red called his girlfriend on the phone to tell her his plan was going well. He was about to worm his way into Jim’s will and then show him “Benny Hill” reruns until he laughed himself to death with another heart attack.

Jim was listening in and recording Red’s phone call. He accosted Red in the hall and said “Ha! Ha! The joke’s on you!” He started playing the recording in Red’s face. Red said, “I was only joking.” Jim started laughing. He laughed so hard he blew his aorta and died. Red’s plan was foiled and per his will, Jim’s fortune was donated to the Henny Youngman Foundation. Jim’s tombstone reads: ”I’m dead. I can’t get you started.”

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.