Ecphonesis (ec-pho-nee’-sis): An emotional exclamation.
“Jesus Christ! Where the hell is my cider press?”
He had “lost” everything from a gold-plated mustard seed to a Rolex wristwatch. It was painful to watch his response, vacillating between crying and cursing and punching the walls—which had become dented, and in some cases, cracked.
Grandpa was flipping out again over losing something he never had in the first place. He had this condition where he “lost” things pretty much all day every day. This had been happening since his budgie Peeper flew the coop two years ago and would fly past the window on a regular basis taunting him.
How do you help somebody who loses things they didn’t have in the first place? I was starting to think an overdose of Abilify was the best I could do. Grandpa’s anger and sadness would come in for a smooth landing on the wings of a drug-induced death. It was a great idea, but I didn’t want to risk prison for murder. Instead, I would give suicide a try.
I checked “The Sorrows of Young Werther” out of the library—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe’s novel where the protagonist (Werther) commits suicide because he can’t have the girl of his dreams. My plan was to read a chapter from “Sorrows” to grandpa every night until he killed himself. I realized early on, though, that I needed to find him an “unrequited love” for my plan to work.
It was Friday and grandpa was lamenting the recent loss of his Rolls Royce—stolen from our driveway. That was when I introduced his new helpmate, Babycakes. She worked part time as a lap-dancer at Nicky Bad’s Men’s Club. I met her there when she was on my lap in a back room for $85.00. I could feel myself starting to fall for her and I was sure grandpa would go head over heels. She had big breasts—that was a favorite of grandpa. He was a part of the “greatest generation,” an ensemble of men who really liked giant knockers and fought in WW II.
The moment Babycakes walked into the living room, grandpa calmed down and did a wolf whistle. He was instantly hooked. I didn’t anticipate it, but he stopped losing things he didn’t have in the first place. Babycakes would give him a free lap dance whenever she came to visit him. Then, after a few weeks, Babycakes told him she had gotten engaged to Sal Zucchini and they were going to be married in December. Sal ran the produce section of the grocery store.
After Babycakes left, grandpa started crying and punching the walls and asking what the hell had happened to his airplane. He was super agitated and said he had seen it “clipped” from the back yard where he had parked last night. Clearly, Babycakes’ announcement had kicked in the “Werther effect.” His suicide was nearing!
But then, Babycakes came over the next day. She told grandpa that she actually loved him and had broken off the engagement with Sal. Grandapa was ecstatic and started jumping around and whooping. He tripped on the carpet and fell out the window.
Grandpa’s death was sad, but not that sad.
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.
The Daily Trope 