Category Archives: asteismus

Asteismus (as-te-is’-mus): Polite or genteel mockery. More specifically, a figure of reply in which the answerer catches a certain word and throws it back to the first speaker with an unexpected twist. Less frequently, a witty use of allegory or comparison, such as when a literal and an allegorical meaning are both implied.

A: “I’m going to church today. How about you?”

B: “The only place you’re going is to Tipples to get drunk like you do every Sunday. I, on the other hand, am going bowling with Barbara-Jean, my one true love.”

I knew he’d be crocked by 10:00 a.m., bragging about his PhD in Russian literature. His dissertation, which barely passed, was titled “Vodka in Lermontov.” In it he argues that in “A Hero for Our Time” if the soldiers had drunk vodka instead of champagne, and didn’t play with guns, the story would’ve ended differently. That’s a pretty safe bet for a thesis! His dissertation committee at Miles Standish University thought his thesis was a little thin and made him rewrite the final chapter three times. They say money changed hands on the day he successfully defended his dissertation.

He got a tenure track job at Small Town Community College after a series of one-year appointments at private religious colleges with cult affiliations, and also, teaching in prisons. He was elated with the tenure track job. He worked hard writing unpublishable essays on obscure topics only he cared about, and teaching like Socrates, asking only obscure questions, humiliating his students, and leaving them wondering, with all the questions and no answers, what they were supposed to be learning.

Tenure and promotion time came around and he was denied. He was told to pack up and “get the hell” off campus by the following morning. He was furious. He went to the library and peed on the reference section—where there were only six reference works. He was arrested and escorted off campus by the local sheriff’s deputies.

That’s when he started drinking and moved back to his home town, which is my home town too. I encouraged him to go live someplace else, but he refused. He got a job bussing tables at “June’s Spoon.” June loves him a takes care of him. Nobody can figure out why. They’re due to be married next month. Maybe he’s “The Beautiful Loser” Bob Seeger sings about, but more likely, he’s “Nothin’ But A Hound Dog.”

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Asteismus (as-te-is’-mus): Polite or genteel mockery. More specifically, a figure of reply in which the answerer catches a certain word and throws it back to the first speaker with an unexpected twist. Less frequently, a witty use of allegory or comparison, such as when a literal and an allegorical meaning are both implied.

A: Do you like my new boots? They’re made out of bullhide.

B: If I was you, I’d hide them in my closet and never take them out again, and that’s no bull!

A: That’s bullshit. You remind me of the man who had no feet. He lost them in a gasoline-powered weed trimmer accident. He was doing yard work barefoot, clearly a stupid choice. He cranked up the weed trimmer. The trimmer-head malfunctioned and trimmer string shot out and garroted his feet off. He tried to get a settlement from Weedy Chop, but he was judged negligent in his use of the trimmer due to his bare feet, even though the weed trimmer malfunctioned. Accordingly, he couldn’t afford prosthetic feet. Instead, he has a pair of rubber knee-boots stuffed with modeling clay. When he goes out (which is almost never) he wraps duct tape around the top of each boot to hold it on. He’s trying to get the boots patented under the name “Clay Feet,” but he can’t find a patent attorney willing to work pro bono for a free pair of Clay Feet.

B: What the hell is the lesson here? How could I possibly remind you of this poor guy with no feet? What’s the point?

A: That’s one point for you for asking! Why are you like the man with no feet? You take stupid risks like he did, like telling me to hide my bullhide boots. You don’t even realize saying something like that could sever our friendship. I’m basically fed up by your clever little insults. Like I say, “Let’s take trip,” and you say sarcastically, “Trip on a crack?”

B: How is that an insult? You’re an insult! I’m going home.

A: Oh, you have a home? Ok. Don’t go. Stay, and we can work this out if we just talk some more. We always do. We’re both pushing 70 and we’ve been friends since we were twenty. Remember when we used to race our Corvairs at the drag strip on Family Days? I beat you every time, but you didn’t seem to mind.

B: I minded enough to let the air out of your tires a couple of times. You didn’t beat me every time. I even won a couple of trophies while you were refilling your tires! Truth be told, I should be asking why you stopped wearing rubber boots all the time. I always thought it was a little quirky, and I made fun of you countless times. Like, boot boy, shake your booty, boot it up, bootleg, bootlick, and more. You still walk funny, but I guess the bullhide boots help a little. Are you the man with no feet?

A: Yes, that’s true. All these years I’ve kept it hidden from you for fear you would steal my “Clay Feet” patent, if I ever got one. You see, you’re the worst friend I ever had. I’ve stuck with you because you’re the only friend I’ve ever had. But hey, look here. I’ve put grommets in my pant legs, and shower curtain hooks attached to my boots to hold them on by hooking them through the grommets. No more duct tape! I’m calling them “Clay Feet Deluxe.”

B: Ok. Sounds good. Maybe I’ll see you around again someday in a few years. Bye bye Booty Boy.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

Paper and Kindle versions of The Daily Trope are available at Amazon under the title The Book of Tropes.