Category Archives: apophasis

Apophasis (a-pof’-a-sis): The rejection of several reasons why a thing should or should not be done and affirming a single one, considered most valid.

After the hitchhiking disaster—trying to hitch from Topeka to Bombay—I decided to do something about my decision-making skills. I didn’t even get out of Kansas on my way to Bombay. I was holding a sign that said Bombay. People blew their horns as they drove by by, some giving me the finger. It was depressing. Somehow I knew I’d never make it to India, but I wasn’t sure why. Then, this weird looking guy driving a vintage yellow Oldsmobile from the 60s pulled up. He was wearing a white turban with a huge ruby pinned to the forehead. His teeth were red and he was smoking a hookah mounted in the middle of the car’s front seat. He told me he was from Bombay, and he would gladly drive me there. I thanked him. After ten minutes he pulled over and kicked me out of his car. He yelled “Om Namah Shivaya” and burned rubber as he pulled away. I was really mad. I gave up on going to Bombay.

That’s when I realized that I needed to contemplate my decisions and think just as hard why I should not do something as why I should do something. It is called “pro and con.”

Hitchhiking to Bombay from Topeka:

Cons:

1. Standing by the road too long
2. Being subject to the weather
3. Crossing the Pacific Ocean
4. Having adequate snack foods

These are all powerful cons. If I had thought of them in the first place I would’ve decided not to go and saved myself a lot of trouble. Worse, I should’ve thought why I wanted to go to Bombay in the first place. In fact, it is not even called Bombay any more. So, I didn’t even know where I was going!

So, thinking of the cons has really affected my decision-making in a positive way! So far, I’ve filed for divorce, given my cat away, and run for office in my district. In each case, I couldn’t think of any cons, even though I tried. My wife is serving time for trying to kill me. My cat is a furniture shredder and a night howler. Being a Representative will benefit my constituents by electing a fantastic decision maker. I call myself “The Chooser” now as a tribute to my pro and con outlook on life.

So, when you’re trying to make a decision, consider both sides. Right now, I’m trying to decide whether to take bribes from rich people who want me to do their bidding as their Representative. I’m considering two-step decision process. One, I take their money. Two, I move to Costa Rica, where I can’t be extradited. Ha ha! This is why I’m called “The Chooser.” See you on the beach.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Apophasis (a-pof’-a-sis): The rejection of several reasons why a thing should or should not be done and affirming a single one, considered most valid.

I was totally excited. I had learned how to make better decisions. Deciding is possibly the most distinctively human thing we do. Making better decisions will make us better humans. All my life I’ve been a conclusion- jumper or a judgment-snapper. I never thought twice. It saved a lot of time, but it wreaked havoc on my life. Here are a few of my fast-choosing outcomes that were pretty bad:

I. I got hit by a car. I wanted to cross the street, I would be late for school. So, I ran across the street. The traffic was heavy. I was hit by an SUV. I broke both of my legs and got a fractured skull.

II. I blinded my little brother in one eye. I was working on my toy trains, using my Lionel train screwdriver. A fly landed on my little brother’s eyelid. Before he could brush it away I went to stab it with my screwdriver. The fly flew away before I could get it, but I got my little brother’s eye instead.

III. I almost killed the family dog, Roofer. I was home alone, and I was supposed to be watching him. He was out in the yard. He was a little dog, but very furry. He was a cross between a miniature sheepdog and miniature Maltese terrier. He was a “She-tese.” It started raining and Roofer got soaked. I let him in the back door into the laundry room. The dryer was running, so I threw him in. I let him run for a half-hour on cotton/heavy duty. When I pulled him out, he was dry and fluffy, but he was unconscious. I thought he might have heat stroke, so I put him in the freezer for ten minutes. When I pulled him out of the freezer, he staggered across the kitchen floor and laid down in his doggie bed.

Well, there you have it. Now, I’ve learned to think of alternatives before act. It takes a little more time, but mostly it keeps me out of trouble. For example: say, I want to get drunk. 1. I could drink a blend of shaving lotion and lemon extract. Yech! Tastes bad. Thumbs down. 2. I could buy a bottle of whiskey at the liquor store. Uh oh! I’m broke. Thumbs down. 3. Go “visit” Dad. He’s a drunk. I could get drunk with him and when he passes out, steal a bottle of whiskey from his well-stocked liquor cabinet. Bingo! Decision made—go to Dad’s

See how it works? It’s almost like logic or something.i am selling this decision-making scheme on the internet. It’s called “1-2-3 be a Jury in Your Head.” The whole course is on one sheet of paper. It has a list of things to decide about (e.g. when to take out the trash), blanks for filling in three different decisions, and a “bottom line” where the final decision is filled in. The course costs $5.00 and comes in a sharp-looking zip lock bag.

Well, it’s time for me to go—to go pee in my back yard.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Apophasis (a-pof’-a-sis): The rejection of several reasons why a thing should or should not be done and affirming a single one, considered most valid.

It’s that time of year! I’m a professor at Dalmatian University, where I am the DeVille Chair of Puppy Husbandry. I am not sure what “husbandry” means. The best I can do is use my relationship with my wife as a foundation for my concept of puppy husbandry, and there’s really not much going on there—not exactly neglect, but very close. For example, I am not taking my wife with me on vacation. .

Being a Professor, I get the whole summer off. I have been planning my vacation for two weeks. I am having a tough time deciding where to go. I’ve done some research in connection with my vacation. He’s my reasoning about my top three destinations:

1. Whiner’s Puppy Mill. It is the biggest puppy mill in the US. All breeds, all day and all night. They have the highest per capita mortality rate in the US. Everything about the place is sub-standard. They should be shut down., but, they provide me with a healthy grant every year to support my research “and other things.” I think the yipping of hundreds of puppies day and night would drive me crazy, so I’m staying away. I get enough of that irritating craziness during the academic year.

2. Dog Walkers. Exercising dogs keeps them from chewing on furniture or other mischief due to being locked inside. Some people can walk five dogs at once, and there is a championship every year in Saratoga, NY, where they yield the race track to the dog walking championship—The Golden Paws—for two days. Dogs are added to each competitor’s clutch after they go around the track. 1 dog is added after each circuit. When a competitor’s dogs get tangled up or otherwise thwart their handler’s attempts to control them, their handler is eliminated. Last year’s winner finished with 44 dogs of various breeds. Some people say he is part dog, and that’s cheating. As much as this seems interesting, I’m not going. My bum hip won’t let me walk very far, so I wouldn’t have the kind of hands-on experience my research demands. There’s only so far you can get with observation without participation. So it’s nix to dg walking.

3. Mocking Bird Acres. This estate is nearly the size of Rhode Island. It has beach front, mountains, a lake, and a river. Golf carts are available for people like me with a hip problem. There are also clothing optional sectors along the beach and up in the mountains. The food is all gourmet—beautiful to look at and wonderful to eat. But the most attractive aspect of Mocking Bird Acres is it’s no dogs allowed policy. I can get away from dogs for two whole months. A hiatus from stinking, barking, whining, crapping dogs, not to mention, squirming puppies.

I don’t know why I settled on puppies in graduate school. But now, they make my life miserable. My main line of research has to do with determining why puppies stick out their tongues when they do. As of yet, after five years, I don’t even have a working hypothesis. But, nobody seems to care, so on I go.

And now, on I’ll go to Mocking Bird Acres.

POSTSCRIPT

Due to budgetary issues, Sumer vacations were shortened to 2 weeks. Faculty were assigned to “Summer Service” jobs—mowing grass, painting, sanitizing the dining hall, cleaning restrooms, polishing the bronze statue of the college’s namesake—a 100 foot tall Dalmatian. Everybody griped, but everybody had tenure. Nobody had been denied tenure in the college’s 200-year existence. Nobody wanted to risk dismissal for cause, for disobeying a direct order from a Dean or the President, so they did what they were told to do without a single complaint.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.