Category Archives: affirmatio

Affirmatio (af’-fir-ma’-ti-o): A general figure of emphasis that describes when one states something as though it had been in dispute or in answer to a question, though it has not been.

“I know you all want help believing what you should believe: there is a twist in life’s plot. You go through life eating cake, riding your expensive lawn mower and cheating on your wife—the “holy grail” for normal, well-balanced males. I know you want it. I know you need it. I know you love it. It’s no lie: you men have running tabs at “Humps” the premier cheatareia out on Rte 22. You can’t fool me. I might see you at the liquor store with a woman waiting in your car. In fact, I did see you at the liquor store with my wife in your car: YOU! Joe Smeezewap!”

Things started to heat up—all the blabbing so far was a preface. Mr. Melanon was going to blow—no more hiding behind hypothetical meandering clap-trap.

Melanon: “What the hell were you up to with my wife at “Humps” Smeezewap?“

Smeezewap: “None of your beeswax.”

Melanon: “See this? I’m going to taser your ass until it goes up in flames!”

Smeezewap: “Not so fast asshole! This pen can poke you full of holes—one for each time I plugged your wife at Humps. Ha! Ha!”

They fought hand to had—taser vs. pen. They grunted and pushed back and forth. The taser wasn’t charged and was useless. Smeezewap poked Melanon several times with his pen. He had gotten from Stateside Savings and Loan when he bought his new car. He had no idea of the utility that the pen afforded beyond writing and stabbing. Now, he was already thinking that it would make a great mini-rolling pin or even a powdery substance shorter.

He shoved the pen in Melanon one last time and took off. He was going to run home to kill his cheating wife before the police showed up looking for him. The time was right for the long-postponed murder of his wife who he knew had been cheating with the flea laden dog Melanon. When he got home his wife was already lying on the floor dead with a bleeding dent in her head. Mayor Dimford was standing over her in his underpants holding a bloody fireplace poker.

Smeezewap: “Mayor Dimford! You’ve killed my wife.”

Mayor Dimford: “You’re damn right. She knew too many secrets. She had to go. Now it’s your turn! Bye bye Smeezy!”

Smeezewap: “The hell it is Dimshit!”

Smeezewap shoved his complimentary pen straight into Mayor Dimford’s heart. It sprayed blood all over him and he ran upstairs to take a shower. That’s when the police showed up. They pulled him out of the shower and asked him if he had killed anybody. He said “No” that he had been taking shower since 8:00 am and didn’t hear or see anything aside from water running and the soap and washcloth slopping around. The police told him to finish his shower—he was off the hook. His alibi was “watertight.” Ha Ha!

People wonder why Smeezewap has his complementary pen framed and sitting on the fireplace mantle.

His wife’s #3 boyfriend was charged with the murders. He was extremely jealous and was seen brandishing a complimentary pen at Home Depot inscribed with the “Humps” logo, signing a sales contract for a snow blower. He was arrested, tried, and convicted of murder. He pointed the finger at Smeezewap, but everybody just laughed, including the judge.

Smeezewap bought Humps and enjoyed ruining peoples’ marriages.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Affirmatio (af’-fir-ma’-ti-o): A general figure of emphasis that describes when one states something as though it had been in dispute or in answer to a question, though it has not been.

“I would never do anything like that, even for all the money in the world, or all the tea in China, or all the tomatoes in Italy, or all the ice in Iceland, although it’s not worth much.”

Everybody knew this was just another one of his ploys to blabber about his righteousness. There was always a lurking suspicion that he was a miscreant, although nobody had the nerve to actually accuse him.

He was surrounded by so many so-called accidents he had to be an insurance company’s nightmare. His house burned down ($500,000). His wife lost both her hands in a near-fatal lawn mower accident ($125,000). He lost a foot in an unprecedented golfing accident ($100,000). His daughter accidentally lost both her eyes in a boating accident ($1,000,000). He had killed his son by accident with a handgun deemed “unreliable” by a jury ($1,000,000). Most recently. He was run over by a hit and run driver. He hasn’t reached a settlement yet. “Somebody” had removed the stop sign from the intersection where he was crossing and he’s suing the town for $2,000,000 for “negligent signage maintenance.”

I’ve been a private eye for 25 years investigating insurance scams. Nobody’s accusing anybody of anything, but this guy is just too accident prone to be true. The insurance investigators have been lax, and might be getting kickbacks for turning a blind eye—ha ha. Blind eye.

I just got a phone call—a bookshelf loaded with books landed on his head, fracturing his skull. I’ve decided to tail this guy to see if I can get something on him.

After a month, I think I might have something. I saw him doing something with a saddle cinch at the riding club. His back was turned to me so I couldn’t see exactly what it was. Before I could confront him, he saddled up and rode out of the stable and onto the bridal trail through the woods.

Later that day, I got a call telling me he had hit a low-hanging tree limb at full gallop and died instantly when he was decapitated. After that, I didn’t bother to check the saddle cinch. He was gone. But I heard his wife was already calling her lawyer, before his body was even cold. There’s going to be hell to pay by the riding club for the low-hanging limb that knocked his head off.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Affirmatio (af’-fir-ma’-ti-o): A general figure of emphasis that describes when one states something as though it had been in dispute or in answer to a question, though it has not been.

Me: What do you mean “The Earth is round?” Why even bother to say it? What’re you a letter-day Columbus? Are we going to go sailing “around” the world?

You: I said it to call out your recalcitrant stupidity. There are so many ideas you insist on holding that are bogus, and that you use to guide your life into disaster. For example, when you told Barbara that it is a proven fact that men are better than women, you got what you deserved. The metal mixing bowl probably put a dent in your head, but it did not change your mind. Barbara’s gone, and she’ll never come back.

How do things become scientifically proven facts that are totally bogus—at best they’re urban legends, at worst, tokens of your insanity. I’m at the edge of unfriending you.

Me: Who’s the know-it-all? If you could hear yourself you’d be embarrassed. I state things as scientifically proven facts to help them struggle with their uncertainty, maybe achieving closure on something that has been vexing them all of their life. After she assaulted me, Barbara regretted what she had done and realized something important. I don’t know what it was, but it warranted her hitting me on the head. Let me just say, it was in the nineteenth century that men’s superiority to women was scientifically proven. So there! Know it all. There are a lot of facts people stopped believing, like the vapors and hysteria. It was political pressure from rich do-gooders that tipped over the apple cart and sent the apples flying. You don’t have to talk to me about the earth being round! I am a proponent of common sense just like you. You know you shouldn’t swim after eating. This will save your life, and probably has saved your life.

You: The eating/swimming thing has been proven wrong.

Me: By who? Burger King? When your body’s cramped up and you’re going down for the third time, you’ll regret your naïveté as you suck in water and die. Meanwhile, I’ll be waiting the required 30 minutes, and then, enjoying my swim.

You: How did you live this long with a head full of misinformation?

Me: It is a scientifically proven fact I read in “Believe it All Magazine” that eventually everything is disproven—that’s how science progresses. So, the earth isn’t really round. It has been proven to be pear-shaped. After that, what’s next? If I get a fever, put a leech in my armpit. You can get them on the internet and they are approved for human use. They’ve available on Robert Kennedy Jr’s website. His children raise them.

You: Ok, that does it. Bye.

Me: Ok, if you want to talk about being descendants of Chimpanzees, just give me call. We can share a banana.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.